Chapter 7

Well—the director was, in fact, not feeling generous that day. The wishful thinking that they might get an early dismissal instead turned into an opportunity to film additional pick-up shots, leaving the Stray Kids men scrambling to quickly change in and out of various wardrobe pieces to suit the director's whims. By the time Han made it back to his bedroom, he felt like his legs were jelly. He groaned as he flopped onto his bed, glad to be finally off of his feet for the first time in hours.

There was one small respite, however. Since they were ahead of schedule, there ever-amiable leader Chan had negotiated a longer break period in between completing this shoot and starting the next music video. If all continued accordingly, they would be able to enjoy a full two-day break in between filmings. That's when I'll do it, Han thought to himself. That's when he would try to resolve things with Minho, once and for all. For the sake of the team. For the sake of his own sanity.

Han sighed and stretched, resting his forearms on his forehead as he gazed upward at the dark ceiling of his room. Now he had a timeline, but he still did not have an exact plan. He had already tried to appeal to Minho once, and that had of course gone very differently than he expected—but even Minho did not appear to be fully committed to complete avoidance. After all, he was the one who came to support Han through his anxiety attack on the first day of the shoot, and they both seemed to perform better on set once they had each at least acknowledged the other.

He allowed his eyes to slide closed, but even though his body was exhausted his mind continued to race. What would he say to Minho? What would the end outcome be? If there was an easy resolution, they would have already figured it out by now, but everything was more complicated now that he knew…

Minho had feelings for him. Romantic feelings.

Han rubbed his face with his hands, trying to alleviate the growing tension in his temples. He was disappointed in his own naivety. He had never foreseen this, but was it truly that shocking? He had spent the last eight years of his life training and working and building his entire career working around other men, all of them well-built, handsome, and talented. One would have to be willfully ignorant to believe that all of them were straight, and he knew for certain of a select few that definitely were not. He genuinely did not even care about other's inclinations. He believed Love is Love. It's just that, among the Stray Kids, it had never come up. Once they debuted, it was made clear to all the members that relationships were completely forbidden, regardless of orientation. They were not to participate or even discuss romantic involvement, because their entire livelihood was completely dedicated to the success of the team. No distractions could be tolerated, and to his credit, Han had been so focused and devoted to their work these last many years that he truly did not have any partialities that he could recall. He was happy just living his life as a Stray Kid.

Han furrowed his eyebrows. Now that he thought about it, why wasn't there more sexual tension amongst the men in his group? Maybe not between each other, but assuming they were all attracted to women, shouldn't there have been more frustrations over the years? They almost never got to interact with women privately. They spent nearly every waking moment, every single breath, with each other. The most the interaction Han ever had with the opposite sex (outside of scheduled appearances with other idols) was if he maybe exchanged smiles with a woman at a tea shop, or an admiring glance at a pretty woman walking along the street—but oddly he never felt like he… craved female attention. But shouldn't he…?

He crossed his arms over his chest, trying to imagine what aspects of romantic desirability he was missing. The main draw of having a relationship was, of course, physical attraction. Well, he was surrounded by beautiful people all the time without concern. He was fully aware that all of his team members were incredibly attractive. They all regularly complimented each other about it. What else did a relationship offer? Companionship? Well again, he had seven best friends whom he felt he could trust with almost anything. He was never truly alone, right? Beyond that, relationships provided physical comfort—well, Han already got that, too. Minho had been his primary source for physical affection, but all the Stray Kids men regularly touched, hugged, or cuddled each other. It was completely normal behavior.

Han rolled on his side and pushed himself up to seated position, still wracking his brain. Based on all this, maybe Han had never felt the desire for a relationship because so many of those needs—attraction, companionship, physical touch—were already met. The only one that wasn't was…

Sex.

Heat rose to his face at the thought, and he was immediately grateful for the safety and solitude of his dark room. Even to think about sex made him feel nervous. Their group never talked about sex, at least not seriously. It felt too inappropriate, even among friends. The only times sex was ever mentioned was always in jest, especially in moments when they would playfully flirt or goof off, the same way they teased each other about things like marriage or dating. It was always just a joke—

Until it wasn't. Until Minsung became real.

Han swallowed thickly, feeling a familiar flutter twisting in his stomach. He thought about Minsung and all the pain it had caused them in the last many weeks, but he still felt so indignant. Nothing he and Minho had ever done was overtly sexual, and even if there was romantic undertones, there was still nothing wrong about it. Maybe Minho was right. Maybe their company was secretly homophobic…

Frustrated, Han grabbed his phone from his nightside and laid back down. The bright glow of the phone screen burned his eyes at first. He opened a browser tab and began to type in the characters:

M…

i…

n…

s…u…n…g

He stared at the completed word for a moment, feeling stupid that he was lowering himself to even doing this, and then he clicked, 'Search'.

His page was quickly flooded with results, including dozens of videos and several more blog threads on various sites. He scrolled for a minute, carefully previewing the titles and tags until one video caught his eye. It read:

"MINSUNG Moments that will make you say 3AWW3"

That one seemed innocent enough. He felt too bashful to click any of the more provocative titles just yet. He hesitated a moment, still feeling self-conscious, but then he clicked the link. The video was simple, just alternating clips of himself and Minho in various situations: during interviews, at concert performances, and segments from variety shows. Though he cringed watching himself, he watched the small video Minhos carefully in each clip. He found himself chuckling at moments when it depicted Minho laughing or the two of them goofing around together. He smiled at a clip of Minho handing him a water bottle on stage before taking one himself. The clips also depicted Han doing kind things for Minho, as well, like rubbing his shoulder during an English interview where Minho felt uncomfortable, or Han running over to congratulate Minho on a successful basketball toss. Han remembered all of these moments dearly. How could the producers think poorly of this side of Minsung? All it depicted were sweet moments between best friends.

As that video ended, another popped up in the cue: "Minsung being a Married Couple for 3 minutes Straight"

He scoffed at the title as the autoplay started. Unsurprisingly, it contained many of the same clips from the previous video. Han once again found himself irritated that the producers seemed so caught up on this nonsense.

This is dumb, he thought bitterly, until a video tag at the edge of the screen caught his attention: "Lee Know trying to get Han Jisung's Attention (NSFW, LeeKnow Bias, Minsung)"

Trying to get my attention…? The 'NSFW' tag was suspicious. He shifted in his seat nervously and glanced at the door, making sure it would not somehow traitorously swing open and expose him. He felt stupid for even checking and looked back at his screen, but after a moment of consideration he groaned and stood up, swiftly crossing the small room to lock the door. Just in case, he told himself.

Settled back on his bed, he stared at the small video thumbnail curiously. It showed a tiny little Minho smirking directly at him. With a breath to steady his nerves, he clicked… and then in two seconds nearly threw his phone across the room.

"Argh!"

He covered his eyes in embarrassment, while images of Minho thrusting suggestively at the camera continued to burn on his retinas. In the background he could hear the sexualized music of the video still pumping, mocking him as the video continued to play. He felt fluttery in his chest and his cheeks burned, but finally he peeked between his fingers. The phone was still laying, screen up, with taunting, colorful images illuminating the dark room. Flustered, he righted himself and picked the phone back up, willing himself to calm down. This was for research, after all.

This time, knowing what to expect, Han restarted the video. He wanted to know what the depth of Minsung had become and why the producers seemed so threatened by it—but as he watched the video play on, he realized he did not seem to play any part in this particular edit. There was no Han Jisung to be found, only darkly edited images of Minho dancing, walking, and moving in slow motion. The clips would fade to black and then reemerge, with Minho doing different sorts things each time: biting his lip, rolling his hips, stretching his neck to eventuate his strong jaw line—

Minho grabbing his inner thigh while thrusting…

Minho gasping from a strenuous dance as sweat rolled down his chest…

Minho staring at the camera, his shirt gaping open…

Minho licking his beautiful pink lips…

The video continued on and on. Han slowly felt his eyes glaze over watching each new cut. His mouth became dry and his jaw went slack, just as it had that afternoon when he was watching Minho dance on the viewfinder. He really was such a beautiful man, and damn but those edits were well done. Han blinked several times while the images continued to fly past. He could feel a tightening sensation in his abdomen as his chest flutters swirled into a frenzy. Self-consciously, Han glanced down, nearly scared to even check… with his phone still suspended in one hand, he gently reached his other hand down below the waist of his sweatpants.

He was hard.

"Oh fuck…oh Fuck!"

This time he stopped the video and slammed his phone face down, sending the room back into silent darkness as he clasped one hand over his mouth, suddenly terrified of his own body, what this reaction must mean, and what consequences it might have. He stood, feeling the strain of his erection pressing against the fabric of his boxers as he paced the room willing it to go away. He hadn't had this happen in years, more or less since he was a teenager. Even on his occasional experimentation with masturbation, he had always assumed he was straight. The pictures, videos, or imaginings he used to stimulate the experience always tended to include a fictional woman partner but this… he could not believe it. He was hard as rock from watching not just man, but his very best friend. What did this mean?

Okay, he thought, it's okay. Its normal, totally normal. It doesn't matter… but Lino? His mind drifted back to the moment in the dance studio, the moment when Minho slammed him against the wall. He remembered how hot Minho's breath was on his neck, how he could feel Minho shivering against him. He remembered how Minho looked in his eyes as he pressed his cock against Han's open legs—

Han let out a strangled grunt and bit his lip. He clutched himself and leaned over his desk, trying to make the memories go away. He could not think straight with his dick suddenly ready for launch at the mere thought of Minho. How could Han make up a plan, much less face the man in this state? He stood over his desk, both hands laid flat on the tabletop while he drank in slow, deep breaths. Eventually, he felt his body begin to calm. He stood slowly, ran his hands through his hair, and then lumbered back to his bed where he retrieved his phone. The small screen mockingly asked 'Continue Watching?'

"Absolutely not," he answered it and clicked to exit the video. He was ready to completely abandon whatever stupid mission he had set himself upon until a new, more curious video title popped into view:

"TRUE LOVE Part 1: The way Lee Know looks at Han"

Still wary after his last reaction, Han hesitated, measuring how provocative he thought this new video might be. The 'true love' tagline had snagged his curiosity, now that he knew how he felt about Minho. What evidence might this video have on Minho's feelings towards him? Finally baited into it, Han clicked the link and this video was… different. He sat up slowly, turning his phone into landscape position to get a larger view. The tiny screen seemed to be showing very specific moments of exactly what it advertised: moments where Minho was caught looking or staring at Han, often when Han was speaking during an interview or talking with another teammate. Han recognized where most of the clips came from, but unlike the other video clips of him and Minho together, his memories of these moments were very different from what the video seemed to show. While video-Han's attention was elsewhere, video-Minho was completely enthralled watching him. Clip after clip rolled by, and each time Minho's expressions were the same: his usual stern expression seemed to soften, his eyelashes dipping as his gaze roamed over Han's profile. Often a small, sweet smile would play on his lips but disappear quickly if he caught someone else's eyes, as though he had to suddenly remember his surroundings. Han watched every clip carefully, trying to remain objective but finding himself unable to… it just looked so much like watching a romantic drama, where the male lead is shown staring fondly at the female protagonist. The way his eyes sparkled gave him away, and the way he instantly became so shy every time Han looked at him was both adorable and… kind of sad. Han sighed. Some of the video clips were several years old, clips spanning from as far back as before Stray Kids' debut. How long had this been going on without him realizing? How long had Minho been harboring these secret feelings and always suppressing them, living in fear and pain of damaging their friendship—or worse, their career? Han gazed sadly at his friend on the tiny screen, wanting to hug him, hold him, comfort him.

The video faded to a close, momentarily shading the room in darkness again before the next one cued popped up on the screen: "TRUE LOVE Part 2: The way Han looks at Lee Know"

Han's eyebrows stretched upward. He hadn't expected this video, but a quiet voice floated into his mind, something Chan had said earlier… what was it again?

"Hannie, between you and me, I can tell just by how you were looking at him…"

Han gave a shuddering breath, still not fully trusting himself to remain calm. How was he looking at Minho earlier? What did Chan mean when he said that? What did had he seen in Han's eyes?

Han allowed the video to play, his curiosity too strong to ignore. Just as the previous video, he watched carefully clipped images of a little Han watching a little Minho. He watched himself carefully this time and found himself reliving those moments, looking at Minho with adoration or amusement or deep investment, hanging on his every word. Some clips showed him watching Minho while he danced for fan meets or looking for Minho amongst the group so he could find and be near him. Han swallowed the lump that was steadily forming in his throat. It became harder and harder to watch moments of himself when he was happier, when he was able to just exist with his Minho without fear of retribution. This past version of Han seemed so innocent and unaware and happy. As the video title suggested, his eyes seemed to gaze upon Minho with nothing but real, true love.

And then Han froze. His arm slowly drooped, landing limply in his lap. A tremor rattled through his body from his scalp to his toes as he sat, still and silent, in the dark, quiet room.

So, it was love after all. He did love Minho…He was in love with Minho.

He had not realized it until now, but in many ways he had been in love with Minho for all these years. Minho was always more to him than just a friend, he just did not have words for it, so he managed with other familiar words: he called Minho his boyfriend, his husband…

His soulmate.

And now, after weeks of being separated from him, the full weight of those words crashed over Han. Minho really was his soulmate, and Han did not realize just how much he truly loved him until he was gone. Not only did his heart ache for this man, but he found his body now ached for him, too. The lightness in his head, the flutters in his stomach, the heat in his cheeks. It all came from one source. It always secretly had.

Han sat for a long time in the dark, his legs drawn to his chest, his chin resting on his knees. Everything felt so different now, different in a way he could not describe. He was still the same man he was yesterday, and yet somehow, he wasn't that man at all. He thought about everything that had happened in the last month, every late night he spent worrying about Minho, every early morning he woke thinking about him but trying not to. He thought about how elated and relieved he felt when they finally hugged for the first time in the studio. He thought about Minho's tragic expression as he apologized to Han for his feelings. He thought about the sad, sweet smile Minho gave him when he encouraged him on the film set. Han thought about all these things, as well as memories from their many years together. Minho had always been there through everything. He was Han's biggest ally, his most comforting companion, his sounding board and his confidant. When Han was angry with one of the other members, it was Minho he turned to. When he was feeling panicky or nervous, it was Minho who could recognize it before anyone else. He was always there to jump in with a joke to distract Han and make him feel better, make him laugh.

Han missed those moments. He missed his Minho. He would not be able to move forward until they somehow found a solution to exist together. It was not enough that they could just love each other… the life of an idol would not allow that, at least not easily, and Han did not know what he should do.

After several long moments—maybe they were hours—Han stirred from his position. He switched on the lamp on his desk, opened the drawer beneath, and pulled out a notebook and a pen. Perhaps he did not know yet what he would do about everything he had realized tonight, but at least he knew how to process through it.

He would write.