Well, it's nice to see you are sticking with this despite everything. I know it's hard...I did kind of warn you...
Tori: I know, I guess not writing them for a bit had this effect on me... Stay strong!
Tonya: why, thank you!
Now, a little bit of answers for you, and maybe some apologies...
Gillian had forgotten she had put her phone on silent when arriving at the hospital, and it was a while before she could take a look at it and find the numerous missed calls from Zoe and Emily. Not that she planned to ignore them, but then the last message from Zoe informed her that they were about to board a flight back to DC. Gillian wasn't surprised, neither by the calls nor by their travel arrangements: understandably, there was only so much stalling and radio silence one could take when it comes to a loved one, and they had probably decided that no matter what news she would have for them eventually coming back to Washington was the best thing to do anyway.
There was no good way to do it, to communicate something like that, so Gillian had chosen her words carefully and crafted a message to let Zoe know where to come and find Cal once they arrived back in Washington. It was a long way from California, but looking at the time of the message compared to when she had seen it Gillian estimated that they were nearly halfway by then. Still a long way to go, but she had a feeling the two women would have come to the hospital straight from the airport so, after having seen Cal, she made herself as comfortable as possible in the waiting room and tried to focus on mundane but necessary things.
It was Sunday evening, meaning in only a few hours the group's offices were going to be busy again with employees and work to be done, and she had to get a headstart on that. Preparing the message for Zoe had been hard, and somehow putting together the one for the company turned out to be even more difficult. With Zoe she had not much place to hide, which was oddly a good thing, but with the employees she had to balance her words and what she shared. Then she checked the agenda, made calls and moved things around, and called the company's lawyer.
Somehow time passed with her barely noticing, if not for her body occasionally reminding her she needed nourishment and to move her muscles, going sore because of the uncomfortable plastic chair, and when Zoe and Emily stormed into the small waiting room of the intensive care unit, huffing and puffing and dragging their luggage with them, she felt strangely ready for the confrontation.
"Gillian." Zoe sounded contrite in her greeting, but to her credit Gillian recognised that the tension wasn't towards her but rather the whole situation.
"Zoe, hi." She replied, then looked over at Emily who had already started to come closer. "Hi Emily, how are you doing?"
It was a stupid question, at least on the surface, but Emily was mature enough for her age to know that she really meant more something along the lines of 'how are you holding up" and gave the older woman a quick and tight hug in response.
"What's going on?" Zoe asked then. "I understand you couldn't share much in a message but-"
"Where's Dad?" Emily cut in with no hesitation, folding her arms and barely containing the strong emotions in her voice. "What is wrong with him? I want to see him."
"I think you should talk to his doctor first."
Gillian felt the need to try and impose a more quiet pace and volume to the conversation, talking directly to Zoe. She loved Emily and she understood why she looked like she was going to burst into tears any minute, but that was definitely a matter her mother should deal with first, or at least have the final say over. Also, unlike them she has had hours to adjust and absorb at least part of the impact of the news, and she knew that going at it at full force wasn't going to help them.
As if on cue, Dr Schultz appeared at the end of the corridor and spotted the female trio, exchanging a quick distance look with Gillian before coming over. Despite now being late in the evening, once he had found out Cal's family was coming he had decided to wait for them: Dr Foster seemed like a nice and understanding person, more than capable to deliver bad news with her professional background, but after seen what the revelation had done to her it had been even more cleat that it was his responsibility.
"Miss Landau, I'm Dr Schultz," he introduced himself, politely but not over the top, then gave his hand to Emily as well. "Emily, I presume."
"Dr Schultz, we flew hours to get here without knowing what's going on. Please, just tell us what is wrong with Cal."
Nobody was surprised or judgmental of Zoe's straightforward approach, and the doctor nodded in understanding of her urgency before motioning them to take a seat for a moment. They all sat, abandoning the luggage in the middle of the hallway, and Gillian had to admire the apparent calm showing on Schultz's face despite the eager women looking at him.
"Cal came to me about three months ago, lamenting headaches and other kinds of symptoms, including troubles with his vision." Instinctively, Gillian threw a quick look at Emily and recognised the shocked and pained expression she must have had on her face when she had been told the same thing a few hours before. She knew exactly what was going through the young woman's mind: how did I miss it? How come I didn't know anything about it? "We ran some tests and did an MRI, which revealed a small mass between the occipital and temporal lobes."
"A mass?" Emily asked with a trembling voice, shifting on her chair to get closer to her mother.
"A tumour, but the biopsy revealed it was benign which meant that with the right therapy we could expect a full recovery." The doctor took a moment, perhaps realising his choice of words could have been better. "Since it was benign we could have tried a more conservative approach to begin with, but Cal wanted to remove it surgically."
"You mean brain surgery?" Zoe nearly squealed as she spoke, unable to keep it cool even for Emily's sake.
"Yes. The size and position of the tumour allowed for a relatively easy intervention. We were going to remove it entirely, with clear margins, then follow up with regular scans to monitor the situation."
"But you didn't," Emily interjected again, rightfully considering that if everything had gone as planned they wouldn't be having that little sit down. "What happened? What is wrong with my dad?"
"There was a complication during surgery, some swelling in the brain. It's not usual and we fixed the problem quickly…however in recovery a different problem emerged."
It was at that point that Gillian couldn't take it anymore, despite already knowing what Dr Schultz was about to add. Or perhaps it was exactly because she knew what was coming that she had to stand up, looking away from Zoe and Emily. In a way she meant to leave them the discreet space and time to deal with it, but she didn't quite account for the fact that her reaction was likely going to make things even worse for them. Because if the usually balanced and composed Gillian Foster couldn't deal with it, how were they supposed to do it?
"The swelling on the brain returned in post-op, probably caused by an infection. Cal hasn't recovered yet-" Schultz stopped and traced back, understanding the time had come to be direct. "He's been in a coma since Friday evening, after the surgery. His vitals are stable but at the moment there is no spontaneous breathing, so we are keeping him on a respirator while we fight the infection. If we can get that under control and reduce the brain swelling he should wake up."
"Should? He should wake up?" Tears finally arrived in Emily's eyes as the full picture dawned on her. "What- Gillian, why didn't you tell me anything? How could you!"
"Dr Foster wasn't aware of any of it, not until today."
God bless this man! Gillian thought while sucking in a sharp breath, because even after years of having to occasionally lie to Emily for her father's benefit she still had not learned how to cope with the looks of pain and betrayal the girl could throw at her.
"I don't-" Zoe babbled and shook her head, confused and afraid. "I thought you were Cal's emergency contact, how could you not know?"
"Apparently Cal didn't inform anybody. In oncology we always want to make sure the patient can prove that they have a good support system to help them through recovery, he listed all of your names and contact." Schultz sighed and removed his glasses to massage his nose, a gesture Gillian had already learned to read as a sign of mental and physical strain. "But he did provide specific instructions before going into surgery. He was really clear that in case of complications he didn't want anybody to be notified."
Gillian cringed inwardly at those words, wondering if it was his heightened sensibility as a specialist in that dire area of nearly assured death that made Dr Schultz twist around the fact that it was really only her that Cal had blacklisted. Then Emily started to shake her head slowly, trying to stand up but immediately going down again, likely experiencing the same dizziness Gillian had become kind of used to.
"What about us? He- You weren't going to tell us anything, to his family?"
The fear and sadness were now mixed with mounting frustration, as much as a generally happy and positive person like Emily could pack.
"With regards to that, Cal's instructions were to notify you and your mother after a week, in case of a scenario like the one that actually developed."
"You mean that he prepared for this? For the worst possible outcome?"
As the words left Zoe's mouth she seemed to immediately realise that yes, being Cal they were talking about that might have easily been the case. Cal wasn't necessarily a cynic or a pessimist, but he was a practical man who liked to get things straight and think two or three moves ahead; after all, he was the same man who kept guns and a paternity test in his safe, just in case.
"Obviously we discussed all possible outcomes about the surgery, it's my duty as a doctor to make sure the patient understands all the risks. Cal…he liked to be prepared."
"Prepared? He's known about this for months and didn't tell anybody. He wasn't going to tell us unless things went horribly wrong! What-" Adrenaline and fear won over the fatigue for a long day and Emily sprang to her feet, pacing the small circle the four of them had inadvertently formed as they spoke and raising her voice. "What was his plan? Check in here on Friday, have brain surgery and then come back to work on Monday? It's a brain tumour, how could he-" Her neck suddenly snapped, her eyes glaring at Gillian with an intensity her father would have been proud of. "How could you let him do it? How could this get past you?!"
The second and final question was the one that nearly undid Gillian. For hours she had literally sat on the news and its many ramifications, asking the very same thing to herself in a number of variations and increasing levels of desperation. She had missed it, not the tumour itself perhaps but the fact that something was so horrible wrong with Cal. She knew why, at least in part, and really it didn't make things any better.
"Emily, that's not-"
"You're his best friend, you care about him." Emily went on, cutting off her mother's attempt at calming her down and pulling away from her as Zoe tried to hold her arm. "All this reading and studying and analysing and you didn't know? You didn't see it?"
Gillian didn't know what to say, how to explain why she had failed without adding to the girl's pain and disappointment; for a second she thought about explaining to Emily the concept of the line between her and Cal, why it was there and what was its purpose, but it was clear by the raw emotions erupting from her that no answer in the world would have helped. Then Emily seemed to realise that, microexpressions or not, she might have not been in the righteous position to call her out on it: she lived with her father, had breakfasts and dinners with him, went groceries shopping, watched movies together…he was her dad and she had seen nothing.
The thought eventually made her legs weak and Emily slowly sat down again, with her mother immediately wrapping her arms around her to lull her gently. They all welcomed the silence for a few minutes, feeling like things got worse and worse every time someone spoke, and after a while Zoe looked up at the doctor.
"Can we see him?"
The more than reasonable request sent a small shiver of disgust down Gillian's spine, remembering how much she had wanted the same and how much she had come to regret it. But of course Zoe would ask, of course Cal's daughter would want to see him no matter what, and Dr Schultz knew it as much as she did.
"Of course, but I just want you to be ready." He explained, motioning them to follow him. "As I said he's on a respirator, meaning that he has a tube in his mouth to help him breathe. Then of course his head is still bandaged, and we had to put a sterile patch on his left eye."
Walking a few steps behind them Gillian flinched, bracing for the inevitable question to come.
"Why?"
Emily got there first, and Schultz stopped just a few steps short of the ICU room where Cal had been accommodated after the surgery.
"The post-op swelling extended to the eye duct and we needed an access point to release the pressure."
Gillian was grateful that neither Zoe nor Emily felt the need to ask for clarification, and sincerely hoped it was because they were too overwhelmed by the bigger picture and not because they already knew what the physician was implying and didn't need further explanations. She had made the mistake to ask, not to stop and think about it first, and that was how she had had the questionable pleasure of learning how skilfully inserting a needle through the pupil would help to release the pressure behind it.
The image of how that might have worked came back to her mind as they stopped outside the room, and maybe it was for that reason that she stopped before getting too close to the door.
After all, she'd have enough of seeing the haunting ghost of a broken and seemingly dying Cal once.