Rising From the Ashes
Chapter 2 - Things Fall Apart
Rated: T
Chapter Summary: Clive was finally awake. A cause for celebration to be sure but just because he'd come back to her in more or less one piece did not make Clive's new handicap, as well as his insurmountable grief, any easier to deal with.
Thanks for all the love on the first chapter! I'm shooting for only around 5 chapters so hopefully I'll finish this before I run out of steam.
Clive also may seem OOC in some parts of this chapter but this man is not faring well after everything he's had to deal with so be warned. As off as he seems, he'll be sure to get his act together fairly quick. Also get ready for more angst because apparently, I can't seem to stop writing it. The next chapter is nearly done and it's a lot more upbeat so that's something to look forward too.
Hope you enjoy!
As wonderful as it was to have Clive finally awake, the following days were anything but.
It hurt Jill's heart to admit, but it was apparent that the fight with Ultima left Clive painfully weak and rather volatile like a cornered injured animal.
Muscles and movements stiff, his entire body aching horribly even if he did his damnedest to not show it outwardly. Covered with bloody gauze and plasters over bruises and healing cuts littering his flesh from the fight did little to deter her from noticing the pale parlor of his face. The skin under his eyes bruised an alarming dark violet in pure exhaustion yet he forced himself to climb out of bed soon after he awoke from a nine day coma. A mask of stoicism allowing him to act as if he wasn't the main participant in a battle to the death in order to save the entire realm from utter destruction a little more than a week prior.
Not to mention, Clive was also in a horrid mood.
And at first, Jill said nothing. Allowing himself to work through his own difficulties without pushing or hovering over him too much to get him on the defensive. Clive had always been a stubborn arse at the best of times so hoping to deter him from getting back any sort of independence was not going to help anyone. Least of all, Clive, so Jill allowed it for now.
Byron was so happy at Clive's improvement. His older uncle eager to have his nephew up, awake and seemingly back to normal. Yet as the days progressed, there was a fatherly concern lacing those eyes as Clive jumped right back into the role of fearless leader as if he never left his post.
Gav was over the moon to have Clive awake. Remaining eye swelling with emotion as he hugged Clive tightly when he'd joined the mess to partake in the morning meal with the rest of the Hideaway's residents. Yet Gav pulled back quickly upon feeling the man's barely hidden flinch of pain from that action alone. Happiness soured into worry in Gav's green eye even with Clive's assurances of merely being sore. The way Clive acted as if absolutely nothing was amiss only made Gav all the more concerned.
Mid was super cheerful once Clive was back to his feet. Cid's daughter merrily began ordering Clive around to do her bidding just like old times. The relief in her eyes at having her item-fetcher back to her aid began waning though when even the energetic girl began to recognize how quickly Clive grew tired from even the smallest task. Her thin blonde brows furrowing in anxiety at how the man took to leaning on her drafting table when she'd talk an isle-a-minute about her new airship project.
Tarja, on the other hand, didn't bother hiding her disappointment at Clive's blatant refusal to obey her strict order of bedrest. Infuriated when Clive had even managed to tear open a few stitches doing menial tasks around the Hideaway. Even as she bandaged him closed again, threatening to hogtie his arse to the bloody bed until he was fully healed, Clive had disappeared from the infirmary a mere hour later.
From Jill's perspective, it was obvious Clive was dealing with equal parts exhaustion and grief weighing heavily on his over-burdened shoulders.
Yet Clive never let the mask of fearless leader falter.
Clive, not wanting to appear weak, never gave himself time to adjust to his lack of Eikons he relied on so heavily over the years. Not to mention the loss of one hand, which upset his very balance; she could only fathom how it was affecting his battle stance and use of the sword even if it wasn't his dominant hand he'd lost. But of course, being the stubborn arse of a man he tended to be, Clive began almost immediately pushing himself past the brink. Over-exerting himself by taking on jobs he wasn't near well enough to perform yet. Small tasks like fetching rare items on the cliffs of Sanbreque soon became monster hunting in the war torn fields of Rosaria. Fights that wouldn't even have him breaking a sweat before his fight with Ultima were now bringing him home with horrid wounds and Clive dragging his feet, nearly on the brink of collapse.
It went on a week like this.
Jill merely bit her lip as she'd fall asleep nestled by his side yet wake up to ice cold sheets when he'd always been the one who tended to sleep in past sunrise. At first, she assumed it was because he'd slept for over a week straight upon his return, but Clive's lack of sleep now became plainly apparent by his so few hours of actual rest. The man running on artificial energy supplied by him ingesting more potions and elixirs as the days trudged on, taking them merely to keep himself on his feet and moving.
Sluggish and exhausted but doing his damnedest to hide it behind his stoic facade, Clive pushed himself to the brink of fatigue. It was only a matter of time before it was easy for anyone to see that it all was becoming too much for Clive to handle yet no one in the Hideaway had the heart to tell him to stop.
Other than Jill that is, and after yet another close call on the battlefield, she'd had quite enough of his ridiculous behavior…
"This isn't healthy, Clive. You need to stop." Jill stated with all the pomp of a duchess.
Arms crossed tightly over her chest as she glared down at him where he sat alongside Gav pouring over maps marked with lines and circles of charcoal showcasing new monster hunts and hoards needing to be dealt with. Dressed in all his regal red and black armors with his faithful sword Invictus sheathed upon his back used to be such a welcomed sight, but the fact he was knocking on death's door only a dozen moons ago made it anything but.
The fresh blood stained plaster attached to his swollen, reddened cheek from a close call with a King Goblin wasn't helping his image either.
Gav went utterly silent at her sudden interruption. The utter relief that flooded his worried face at her intervention thankfully didn't garner Clive's attention.
Clive instead glanced up from the map to look at her with a wrinkle between his furrowed brows, "What are you going on about? Stop what?"
The genuine confusion in his eyes would have been adorable and made her back down a week ago, but now it only infuriated her at his pigheadedness. "You need to stop participating in the monster hunts," she stated firmly.
"What?" Clive looked at her incredulously, "Are you serious? Why would I not? These monsters need to be dealt with immediately, Jill! They're already pushing past the barriers in the Imperial Markets. It's only a matter of time until they break through the soldier's stronghold and destroy the entire town."
"Let the Cursebreakers and the Guardians of the Flame deal with it. You yourself stated they were more than willing to fight for the cause."
"...So what am I supposed to do? Just stay here and do nothing to help?"
"Yes," she stated with all the seriousness of a heart attack.
Clive let out a bark of laughter of pure bewilderment, "You want all these people to die? The monsters that are attacking can't be trifled with and most of the Cursebreakers are not ready to deal with their overwhelming numbers."
"Then have Wade and the remaining Shields start training them."
"With what time? They could be invading the town as soon as two sunrises from now based on the latest report Gav received."
"Well, that's plenty time to gather more reinforcements. I could help send out more missives and Lord Byron's connections are more than willing to send a few of their own men. They could make it in time before they even closed in on the town." Jill offered.
Clive let out a sigh, his face showcasing his pure bafflement yet Jill didn't back down even when he outright glared at her, "Jill. Seriously. What the bloody hell brought all this on? You can't keep me from helping my men. Who do you think you are, my mother?"
A layer of Shiva's diamond dust felt warmer than the chill that suddenly scattered over the silent room.
Instead of lashing out, Jill let out a long breath to try and taper down the anger and hurt knowing in her heart Clive would never say such a thing before all this shite went down with Ultima, "Gav, will you please give me a moment alone with Clive?"
Gav nearly tripped upon his own two feet from getting up too fast. "Of course! Ya know, I think Tarja needed assistance with a new poultice she'd been working on! I-I'll be back later to help you finish this up, Clive! See ya 'round, Jill!" he said with a sloppy salute before he took off out the doors like the fire of Hell was nipping at his heels.
The door made a loud thunk as it slammed behind Gav's retreating form.
It was the first time she could ever recall Clive looking upset at her, the purple bags that looked like fresh bruising under his shadowed eyes was even darker than it was yesterday. Eyes bloodshot and hand shaking as he placed the quill back in its inkpot. Shoulders hunched and tense as if expecting a fight even if he was safely in their chambers at the Hideaway.
Jill's anger waned. Clive looked awful…
The man in question lowered his head in shame, biting his lip before opening his mouth, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean that last part, I swear it." he apologized in a soft wavering voice after Gav's retreating steps faded.
Jill didn't reply, merely crossed her arms tighter across her chest where it felt like her heart just shattered in its confines. He sounded so broken.
Gathering his bearings, Clive let out a quick breath before his displeasure returned to his expression in the midst of her silence, "My apologies, but Jill, I would never…" he tapered off for a moment before looking at her with a determined visage, "I'm sorry but you don't understand. We need to get this done immediately! It cannot wait or the entire town could be turned to akashic if this problem isn't resolved! The world isn't going to save itself."
Jill's arms fell. Fists clenching at the stubborn lit of his voice and, using the most dirty trick of all, weaponizing Cid's words against her. She couldn't help her voice from rising in her ire, "And what about you?"
Clive looked bewildered and that merely pissed her off, "What about me? This is my duty, it needs to get done."
"But you're hurt! You are in no condition to be dealing with such matters!" Jill's voice nearly turned shrill, heart hammering and she wanted nothing more than to physically throttle this stubborn arse of a man in hopes it would push some damn sense into him.
"It doesn't matter about my condition! I'm still breathing so I might as well make myself useful, right? I will get this done regardless of what you may think otherwise." Clive looked away from her before speaking the last part.
Standing to his full height, Jill instantly noticed how he swayed a bit to the left before correcting himself by placing his only functional hand firmly on the desk. The other stoned appendage at his side, the gray parlor of his hardened skin hidden away in a newly fitted leather glove Blackthorne had crafted for him to hide his affliction.
Jill's hands shook, "Oh really? You want to fight hoards of akashic when you can barely stand up without assistance? Even if me and Gav and all the others are there to help you, all it takes is one moment of distraction to end a life. Why risk it?"
Clive sighed and the exhaustion and even worse, acceptance, laced his dark blue eyes, "Jill… Please. I'll be ready to fight. I've been doing this most of my life, should you forget. I'll be fine. I'm merely tired is all."
"That's not it and you know it!" Jill hands furiously tightened, nails digging half moons in her palms as she tried to damnedest to fight back the burning of tears growing in the backs of her eyes. Looking up at him, she stared into his exhausted face before continuing, "I swear, Clive, if you keep this up, I fear you'll do irreversible damage not even Tarja can fix! You can't keep pushing your body this way!"
Clive bit his lip before putting back on his mask of stoic leader and stating firmly, "I'm fine, Jill."
"No, you're not!" she screamed in frustration, fists trembling at her sides as her eyes sparkled with tears.
Clive's expression pinched at seeing her tears but he still replied, "Yes, I am. Now, this discussion is over. I need to get prepared to leave before the hoards gain more ground. Gav and the Cursebreakers need my instructions and get their weapons saw to by Blackthorne before we depart for Dhalmekia. So, if you'll please excuse me…" Clive tried to brush past her but Jill refused to let him go.
Shiva's Dominant jumped back in front of him. Her hands grabbing the cloth covering his chest as she completely fell apart, "Clive. Don't. Please." Jill's screaming turned into a pitiful sob, hating the burn of tears finally slipping down her cheeks as she pulled angrily at his leather armor as if her physical touch could make him simply understand.
"Come on, Jill…" Clive's voice sounded so resigned.
"Please, let me send out missives right now to ask for help. I'll go in your place while you stay here," Jill begged, staring up at his face as Clive continued his refusal to meet her eyes.
"No, Jill. I'm going." Clive grasped hard to the mask he tried to keep to fool everyone but it didn't work on her. There was a crack in the stoneware that only she could see, yet he clung to it, forcing himself to accept the role of leader that he never should have been forced to take.
"Clive, please, I…" Jill's face crumbled as she wailed out, "I-I don't want to lose you! I can't…" she sobbed, her head leaning forward to rest on his sternum. Fists trembling as they grasped at his shirt as she pressed her ear to his heartbeat. Forced to recall those 13 years when she believed he was dead and just a few weeks ago when Metia flickered out and she feared she'd lost him again, this time for good.
Yet he came back as he promised and now here he was ready to leave with the readiness of one who might not make it back, especially going to fight in his piss poor condition his body was in.
"You're not losing me, Jill. I'll be back by tomorrow night. I promise." Clive's voice trembled ever so slightly as he gently grasped her hand, ever so carefully removing her hands one at a time from his clothing and as much as Jill fought to hold on, they fell back at her sides.
Clive let out a long sigh, his warm breath caressing her cheek and that only made her sob harder. "Please, don't leave…" she begged.
"Jill, I promise, I'll be back." he swore even if his voice wavered. Clive reached with his good hand towards her, fingers so gentle as they brushed away her tears. Leaning towards her, he kissed away the tears on her cheeks before he chastely kissed her mouth, "I love you," he whispered against her lips before simply walking away.
Clive was headed towards the door when Jill could simply take it no more and shouted at him, "Do you really believe this is what Joshua wanted!?"
Everything halted, Clive's hand frozen atop the door handle.
It was the first time anyone had spoken his brother's name since the day he died…
Jill couldn't be stopped in her righteous anger, "Joshua gave up his power, his life, so that you could live! And now it's as if you're in a rush to die! Ready to martyr yourself at the first opportunity! D-Do you really wish to join him that badly, Clive?" Jill whimpered, hand fisted in front of her lips as she could do nothing but stare at the wooden planks beneath her feet as molten wet tracks made their way silently down her face. "Even if it means leaving everyone behind? …even me?"
All was completely silent for a long time. Jill stood there, hands covering her mouth as tears leaked in rivers down her face. Clive was akin to a statue before she saw that facade crack when he finally turned around.
Clive Rosfield looked back at her for only a moment before, like a puppet whose strings were suddenly cut, his legs folded underneath him.
Instantly, Jill sprung to his side as he collapsed into a heap with his back against to the closed door. "Oh Founder! Clive, are you alright? You didn't hurt yourself, did you?" she whimpered, shaking hands running over his body to check for any injuries.
Upon finding none, and questioning why Clive wasn't answering her, she finally looked at his face only to see trickling tears leaking in small rivulets from his bloodshot eyes. The bloody plaster upon his cheek sodden and ruined amidst his salty tears and yet he remained utterly silent.
The sight ripped her heart in half.
"Oh, Clive…My love… My darling, please…" Jill muttered as she reached out to him, fingers brushing back his hair as she gently wiped his tears that didn't seem to stop.
Clive didn't respond. Lip wobbling as his mask of stoicism shattered and the grief that he'd pushed back since he awoke returned with a vengeance. Clive's chin fell towards his sternum, he curled up on himself yet Jill wouldn't have it. She pressed herself bodily between his legs and held him as tight as he would allow. His tears soaked her shirt, pooling in her collarbone as his grief became too much for him to bear.
"I'm so sorry, Jill… I'm sorry, J-Joshua…" he wailed and Jill could do nothing but cry silently with him. Her fingertips weaving through his locks and the other rubbing circles into his heaving back in what she hoped was comfort.
Clive's head rested on her shoulder as he began voicing his sorrows into her throat, "I know my body is weak. I know I physically can't do this now. I just - I j-just feel so fucking u-useless, Jill! I'm supposed to be strong! That's all I've ever had that anyone cared to see in me. It's all I've known! All I've been my entire damn life. A Shield, a soldier, a killing machine…a fucking monster. Now I don't have any of that…" Clive pulled his face back up and looked at her. His expression was laced with pure misery, grief and he looked so damn young - so utterly lost. "Now what am I?"
Jill gently cupped his handsome face in her hands, being careful not to press too hard into the plaster on his healing wound. Thumbs brushing the tears that continued to leak down his face before she answered him.
"...You're Clive…" Jill whispered with the softest smile. "And that's all I need you to be and ever want you to be…You don't need to be anything else and I'm sure Joshua would agree… I know he would."
As if answering the call, a sudden flickering light drew Clive's attention to the mantle Jill had placed the Phoenix Feather upon his return. Its ethereal light glowing brighter as if in agreement before it suddenly flickered back to its original state.
All was silent before Clive whispered, "Joshua…Oh, Joshua… I'm so sorry…" before burying his face in her shoulder.
Jill she said nothing as his tears soddened her shirt. Merely held him close as she allowed him to fall apart, to finally allow himself to grieve and hopefully allow himself to live out his life like she knew Joshua would have wanted him to.