Disclaimer: I don't own Genshin or any of its characters, nor do I have experience or understand anything about the justice system of Liyue or real life. This is just meant to be a crack fic that I thought of within the past... couple of hours.
Hu Tao's Completely Normal Day
In her defence, the esteemed 77th Director of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor did start off the day normally.
No matter what time Hu Tao got up, she would start her morning dental routine by gargling heated salt water while sprinting down the harbour with a novel in hand. Though on some days if Zhongli was already up and about the funeral parlour, she would use tea instead.
During said run, Hu Tao would check if Wanmin Restaurant was open, if yes, she would enjoy a quick feast instead of the leftover prawn dumplings from last night's dinner. She'll pop in to wake Xiangling if applicable, pet Guoba, before continuing on her day.
By the time she finished her breakfast, Hu Tao would clean whichever coffin she chose to sleep in the night before, a process she developed to make sure that all of her clients would be comfortable in the afterlife. As the 77th Director of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, it would be a major blow to her reputation if any corpse came back to life because their coffin was too uncomfortable.
After cleaning each coffin in stock, she would then check the inventory, restock anything that was necessary, and then give Zhongli his allowance for the day. The rest of the morning would comprise of door-to-door sales, getting kicked out of the Civil Ministry of Affairs, sneaking back into the Civil Ministry of Affairs, and then getting kicked out once more with threats of a restraining order. Hu Tao would make sure to buy some fish for Whiskers and Mittens outside and would eat whatever leftovers remained from that endeavour.
At this point in time, it'll be midday. After checking to see if Xinqiu was in town, she would have lunch and drink tea with the writer while discussing the latest trends and light novels to have come out of Inazuma. If Xinqiu wasn't in town, she would have lunch and drink tea without the writer while discussing the latest trends and light novels to have come out of Inazuma with whoever was around.
Once full, if she ate too much, Hu Tao would then proceed to run up and down the harbour while reading a book. If Hu Tao gets a stitch from said running, she'll drag herself to Bubu pharmacy, and try her luck at convincing the boss that his zombie employee defies the natural order and would need to be put down. Sadly, no matter what business deal she promises, the little zombie child still moves.
Hu Tao spends the rest of the afternoon addressing any appointments, performing any ceremonies, or standing outside the parlor to advertise her services at the top of her voice. When the end of the business day occurs and people are returning home, she would politely follow potential clients home to ensure that they know about the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor.
At this point, Hu Tao would be mentally tired, so she would relax by honing her skills with her spear, running up and down the harbor, and reading her latest novel in hand until around dinner time. After a quick shower, she would have to drag Zhongli around to have dinner because he keeps forgetting to eat for some reason, Hu Tao would have the rest of the night off to have a calm stroll around the harbor before returning to have a peaceful night's sleep.
And that's where we come to her current predicament.
The 77th Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor was enjoying her nighttime stroll when she came across a piercing scream. Curious, Hu Tao followed the sound of the scream, finding herself around the empty shipyard. There didn't seem to be anybody around the area that could have screamed apart from the hooded figure who was crouching over that dead body in that corner over there.
"Hello," Hu Tao chirped, waving to the hooded figure. "Did you happen to hear that scream?"
The hooded figure didn't respond, instead barreling past the girl as if a demon were chasing him. There wasn't one, Hu Tao checked, eyes narrowing suspiciously around the area. Seeing nothing, she moved to the dead body. A young girl, long black hair in a ponytail, pale-skinned, around her age and younger. Hu Tao cursed, most likely not a client then. What a wasted opportunity.
The dead body was currently still bleeding out on the stone ground, pooling around her chest. Wow, what a clean stab! It was very difficult to get such a clean pierce through the chest, especially if you consider the strength necessary to do it. Hu Tao started to search the corpse, seeing if she could find any identification on her, only to hear a series of loud footsteps arriving behind her.
"Move away from the body, and keep your hands in the air!"
Spears were drawn as Hu Tao straightened up, hands thrown into the air. "I didn't do it! She was already like this when I got here!"
Thinking back, Hu Tao probably could have said something less suspicious now that she thought about it.
In her defence, the esteemed 77th Director of Wangsheng Funeral Parlor didn't think that her day would end differently.
The kamera flashed, and Hu Tao flinched, holding up her placard towards the lens.
"I need your face in the shot dear," the old lady said in a gravelly voice.
The girl lowered the placard so it didn't cover her face.
"Alright, that's good," the old lady said as the kamera flashed once more. "Now face the left."
Hu Tao shuffled around.
"My left."
Hu Tao shuffled back the other way.
"That's better deary," the kamera flashed for the last time. The old lady grinned. "There, all done."
"Thank you for your time," the Millelith guard bowed politely to the aging woman, sliding the door open to let her leave.
"Any time deary," she gave a warm smile. She began to shuffle out of the room slowly. The three guards and Hu Tao waited with bated breath as she finally left. Once the door was shut once again two of the guards immediately hoisted Hu Tao by her arms and escorted her out of the room and down the corridor to her cell.
In Hu Tao's defence, she could have acted better.
"Consultant Zhongli!" the girl wailed as she threw herself at the man as he entered the room. Her wooden pillory however crashed into the bars between them, sending her sprawling.
"Director Hu," Zhongli greeted as if nothing was wrong. He eyed the wooden chair that had been set out in front of her cell. The man then took a seat, crossing his legs over each other.
The girl picked herself up from the ground, once more moving towards, though this time stopping before the cell bars. "Consultant, you must help me find a way out of this mess."
"Yes, I intend to do so," Zhongli nodded, golden eyes peering into her crimson ones. "Worry not, I have the matter handled. You will be free in no time."
"Sir, just a reminder," the guard behind him piped up. "Unless you have evidence to provide, attempting to physically free the suspect while the investigation is underway would result in your arrest."
"Worry not," Zhongli waved the warning away. "I have no intention of going against an existing contract. I'm simply here to check on my employer before submitting some evidence."
"You have evidence?" Hu Tao asked, hope began to swell in her chest. "What is it?"
"My word," her consultant replied seriously. "I know for a fact that you would not have killed somebody without good reason, and I plan to share this with the rest of the Millelith."
Both Hu Tao and the guard stared at the absolute confidence in the man's voice as if he saw nothing wrong with his reasoning.
"Sir, you can't do that," the guard said. "Truly, I respect that you have that much faith in your employer, but your word about an individual's behaviour is not enough."
"It isn't?"
"No. Unless you were present at the murder and you saw what actually transpired, in which case that would be a witness statement."
"Curious," Zhongli crossed his arms and closed his eyes to think. "Sadly I was not present at the time of the murder. So it appears, that we are at an impasse. Worry not Director Hu, I will find a way to prove your innocence, you have my word."
Sighing, he opened his eyes at the miserable sight of his employer in jail. "It appears, that I must speak with some old friends. I'll see myself out."
And with that, he stood and quickly left the room with purpose.
"Uh sir," the guard called out, following behind. "Consultant Zhong! You still have 57 minutes!"
Hu Tao was starting to get restless in that cell of hers. She already counted the number of ants crawling up the wall and did a few minutes of sit-ups and jumps even with the pillory in the way. But she was starting to feel bored. It was momentarily alleviated when Xingqiu came to visit and read to her for a while, but aside from that, the silence of her cell was starting to get at her.
"Mister guard sir," she asked weakly from the floor, head lifting slightly off the ground to look at the Millelith guard. "How long… have I been here for?"
"Just under two hours miss."
"Gah," Hu Tao exaggeratedly laid her head back down, rolling about on the floor.
And then, the beautiful sound of the door opening occurred once more to save the girl's sanity.
"Ah, hello? Is this the holding cell of one Director Hu?" a soft melodic voice asked.
The girl couldn't have been older than Hu Tao was, with long blue hair cascading down her back, tied together in a single ponytail. She dressed well, which told her that this person was in some sort of high position. The red horns, however, told her a completely different story.
"Secretary Ganyu!" the guard saluted, standing up straight. "It is a pleasure to meet your acquaintance. What can I assist you with mam?"
"Oh, it's alright, you don't have to stand to attention," Ganyu waved the pleasantries away. "And um, I was told by Cloud Retainer to come here to assist a Director Hu of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor?"
"Yes! That's me! Please save me!" Hu Tao begged from her cell. "I've been here for ages and my sanity can't handle it anymore!"
"Oh um… I'm sure I can assist you somehow. What have you been arrested for exactly?"
"Director Hu has been arrested as the number one suspect of a murder," the guard stated.
The Qilin blinked.
"Oh uh… I apologise," Ganyu bowed towards Hu Tao. "I don't know how I can assist in this matter."
"Noooooo," the other girl whined, tears in her eyes at the injustice.
"I might know someone else that can assist you. Whether they are available currently though…"
No one was expecting the Yuheng to walk into the room a couple of hours later. For one, Hu Tao was already resigned to her fate and was playing chess with the guard through the bars, before the purple-haired enforcer burst into the room.
"I'm looking for a prisoner," she clicked her tongue, annoyance written all over her face.
"Who?" Hu Tao asked.
"Tao, yes," Keqing sighed. "My… friend asked me for a favour to see if I could help out her associate. So, if you could point me towards Director Hu."
"That's me," the brunette said, hopping to her feet, carefully not to fall over.
"Ah, good," the Yuheng nodded. "If you can tell me about your predicament, I can see what I can do."
"Okay!" Hu Tao chirped. "Well… uh…"
She turned to look at the guard who had still had to take his turn.
"Director Hu is currently the only suspect in a murder that occurred last night. We've still yet to find any other individuals around the time of the murder."
"And what other evidence is there to keep her detained?" Keqing asked.
"There wasn't a murder weapon, but Director Hu has confirmed to be a vision holder, thus the whole… summonable weapon. Plus we currently have multiple statements attesting to Director Hu as a…" The guard turned to look at his charge's documents on the floor. "Murder happy individual, as she has apparently threatened or attempted murder previously."
"I see," Keqing's migraine was visibly growing more painful. "And the motive?"
"As the 77th Director of the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor, she stands to gain a decent amount of mora," the guard continued. "The Wangsheng Funeral Parlor has been reported to have been in the red for the past couple of months."
"And I keep telling you, Consultant Zhongli is a big spender!" Hu Tao groaned.
"I see," Keqing looked at the other girl, who stared back with wide hurtful eyes, begging to be released. With bated breath, the Yuheng sighed. "I can't help you. But I know someone that might be able to help... maybe."
Hu Tao was already bored of chess and was instead sprawled out on the stone ground, wondering where she went wrong in life. How could she fulfil her duties while trapped in this cage?
"Director Hu, you have another visitor," the guard entered the room once more with a tray of steamed fish on the plate. The brown-haired girl stared at it longingly, droll escaping her mouth.
Her new visitor though, she had no idea who they were. They looked to be around her age, with salmon-coloured hair. Dark shadow rings around her eyes, her skin was extremely fair. There were antlers protruding from the side of her head and Hu Tao wondered if she was a Xiezhi. Though what garnered her attention was the stack of books that the girl appeared to be carrying.
"Thank you, I can take it from here. I won't be more than a couple more minutes," the girl said, proceeding to move closer to the cell bars.
"You are Director Hu I presume?"
Hu Tao nodded quickly.
"I'm Yanfei, a Legal Adviser and I was told that you…" she pulled out a letter from her stack of books, quietly reading through it. "You potentially might be innocent of a murder that occurred yesterday… with no evidence… plenty of witness statements against your character…"
Yanfei flipped the page. "And potential monetary motive… and lastly being the only person placed at the scene of the crime…"
"Yup," Hu Tao chirped. "I'm completely innocent though."
Yanfei stared blankly at the letter, then back to Hu Tao. The lawyer felt her soul leaving her body.
In Hu Tao's defence, it was supposed to be a normal day.
A/N: So yeah, just had this random idea pop into my head, and I had to get it out before I got back to other stories. It's not edited, but hopefully it's still enjoyable.