This chapter is from Amber Run - I Found

Riftan couldn't sleep no matter how hard he tried. Each time he closed his eyes his mind forced him to think back to each moment with her. Over analyzing each shy glance and accidental touch as though he was preparing to go to war. How long had she been trying to secretly court him? Could the picnic be the first instant or was it her interest in his poorly told stories? The kiss on the cheek? The necklace? Perhaps even when he carried her as her fingers kept grazing against his skin on 'accident'.

After he ran out of the banquet, he felt himself start to panic at the idea of being able to court her. He should be happy, something that he thought would never happen was becoming real, but he had to be wrong. He was sure that this was some made-up arrogant delusion twisting their friendship into something more. He kept repeating that like a prayer until he fell asleep, a wall now seemingly fully put back up in place around his heart.

Sighing, Riftan turned to the side and looked over at the table next to his bed. The necklace sat there along with a gift that he had received earlier that day. A gift that, despite its delicate nature, fractured that wall.

They met up the day after the picnic. Both spent the time telling each other different stories, hers of the Romeian fairy tales she used to read as a child while he seemed to have completely captivated her by the simple mentioning of snow. Part of him wished he had Gabel's skill for story telling but even the younger knight might find it difficult to make ice seem interesting. Yet, the more he had described the glacier he walked over in Balto the more enthralled she seemed.

As they sat and talked Riftan could swear that she could read his mind, sense his denial of their feelings and the lady seemed determined to prove him wrong. She smiled even more around him, her body leaning towards Riftan and her hand occasionally brushed against his. Hells, when that damn cat came up towards them and rubbed up against Riftan she giggled and gave him a look that chipped away the newly formed wall and pulled at his heart.

When he kissed her hand to leave, he wanted to hold on to her, to ask her why but before he could she held out another small handkerchief folded up for him. She didn't even give him a chance to react to the gift before she fled back to the castle.

Unfolding the cloth showed a small, pressed flower. He had smiled despite himself while brushing the soft petal with his thumb. It was one of the same flowers she had used before in the flower crown. In an instant she had nearly destroyed the walls he had spent all night building back up. He had to come to terms with the fact he wasn't delusional.

Riftan knew she had thought about him, he just never would have dreamed she would feel some sort of affection towards him. He should have been thrilled by the idea, and he was. Part of him wanted to tear down what was left of that wall himself and find her, hold her, spill his soul out to her and never let go but his heart felt grounded by the reality of the situation. Even if by some miracle that the duke would allow them to court it wouldn't be right for her. He wasn't right for her. Friendship was one thing but this... Maximilian deserved more than Riftan could ever give her. She had the blood of the Roem Empire in her veins while no title or land could ever change him. He would always be a half breed bastard of a knight that foolishly got himself killed and a woman who...

His stomach instantly twisted as the memory of that night came flooding back. As a lump formed in his throat Riftan shot out of bed and quickly dressed himself before leaving his room. His steps echoed throughout the empty halls as he hastily made his way out of the castle, stopping only when he was met with the cool night air. Closing his eyes tight, he took a deep breath to clear his mind and wash away the nausea that had built up.

As his heart started to calm down, he slowly continued walking all while focusing on his breathing and not on the cold chill creeping up his back. Eventually he found himself on the edge of the castle grounds. Closing his eyes, Riftan smiled at the soft smell of the flowers being carried in the breeze and the sounds of insects singing out. The serene night was a complete juxtaposition to what he was feeling. Eventually he moved to sit down to watch the night sky. He remembered a time when he was young and had nearly spent the entire night outside. He couldn't even remember what had frustrated him so much that he didn't want to return home, just that he spent most of the night trying not to cry while watching the stars.

Time passed by as he continued to watch the sky while playing with the stone around his neck. Riftan knew he would have to turn her down, lead her away from the foolish notion of courting him, but each scenario he thought up felt more painful than the last. She would hate him for this, almost as much as he would himself.

But what's the point of wanting something we can't have?

As dark clouds started to slowly engulf the stars above him Riftan let out a painful chuckle. It was strange to think that his stepfather's words not only would have protected Riftan from feeling miserable but Maximilian as well.

The clouds that had rolled in that night brought in a heavy rain that was unusual for the season. At first many thought it would only last until the afternoon but on the third day it left everyone in the castle feeling cooped up. Triton was quick to forbid them from doing any training in the rain due to potential injury and had even threatened several to be confined to their rooms if he dared see another knight sneak off with some blushing lady or maid.

During that time Riftan began avoiding the banquets despite how much Triton pestered him. Nothing his commander could say would force him into the same room as her. Sleep also continued to elude him, still struggling with his guilt as he spent his nights thinking of what he would say to Maximilian. He was dreading it, part of him wishing the rain wouldn't stop until they had to leave, just so he could avoid hurting the one person he cherished the most.

Snapping out of his thoughts, Riftan's attention turned towards the sound of a door quickly opening and closing. He easily spotted a maid sneaking out of a room farther down the hall he had been slowly walking down. She didn't seem to have spotted him, too busy making her escape.

Letting out an irritated sigh, Riftan made his way towards the double doors the maid had snuck out of. He had half expected to see one of his knights quickly getting dressed as he pushed open the door. Instead, he was met with a room filled with books.

Riftan slowly closed the door behind him as he scanned the room. The shelves holding the books looked to have been built using the most exotic woods and the place was lit up by extravagant chandeliers hanging from the high ceiling while rain pelted the expensive glass windows lining one of the walls. Yet, despite all the luxuries the library had been built with, it was smaller than the one in Anatol.

It made him want to laugh. If he did it right, Anatol could have something the duke didn't. Riftan suddenly didn't mind all the books Ruth insisted on buying. Stepping a little farther in he carefully ran a hand over the spine of a book before pulling it out to look it over. Frowning, he flipped through the pages, unable to read the text but quickly recognizing it as the same ancient text Ruth had in some of his books.

When he placed the book back his head snapped towards the sound of wood creaking deeper in the library. Letting out another sigh he started to walk down the rows of books, searching for the unfortunate knight. Halfway through the library he peered down the aisle he was sure the nose came from expecting to see a man. Instead, he found Maximilian.

The lady didn't notice him as she finished climbing up the rolling ladder. It was a little comical that she needed to use one, he could probably reach the top shelf while keeping his feet planted firmly on the ground. While the poor lady needed the ladder to reach the highest shelf to pull out a rather heavy looking book with one hand while the other held on tightly to the ladder.

Riftan nearly started to walk up to her until he remembered what he would need to tell her and quickly stopped himself. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, he slowly took a step back and began to move away until he noticed from his peripheral the lady taking her hand off the ladder to help pull free the heavy book.

It took him only a second to fully register the danger she had just put herself in. Without a moment's hesitation, Riftan swiftly moved to stand behind her with his arms out to catch the lady. Sure enough, as soon as she pulled the heavy book free the weight of it tilted her back too much, making her lose balance. However, instead of landing on the hard ground or the corner of a nearby table, she fell into Riftan's arms. It would have been seen as romantic if it wasn't for the sharp anger he was feeling.

"What the hell are you doing!" He felt her jump in his arms as he raised his voice and instinctively held her tighter. One of her hands came up to hold onto his wrist, the simple touch made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

"S-sir R-Riftan?"

"What if I hadn't been here?"

"I-I-I'm s-sorry." Riftan continued to hold onto her for a few seconds longer before gently lowering the lady back onto the ground and slowly unwrapping his arms from around her. His heart was still hammering away in his chest at the thought of her getting hurt in such a careless way. Sighing, he placed his hands on her shoulder to spin her around.

At least I got a chance to hold her, even if it was only for a moment.

"Damn it, ask for help next..." his voice trailed off when his search for any signs of an injury led to his eyes locking with hers. They looked a little red, as if she had been crying.

He hesitated before reaching out to run the back of his fingers across her cheek, as if to brush away the tears that were no longer there. Maximilian's hold on the book tightened and he felt her lean into his touch before he abruptly pulled his hand away, as if being burned. As he pulled away, she seemed to understand his action and ducked her head down.

"I'm j-just...t-tired." Her voice was so faint, but he still heard the lie. He had seemed people break down from exhaustion, but his gut told him that wasn't the reason for her tears.

I am.

Deep down he knew avoiding her would hurt her, but in some selfish way he had hoped creating some distance would make his next step easier. Riftan moved away and cleared his throat to keep his voice steady, but it did no good as he couldn't even find the will to say the words he's been dreading.

He continued to watch as she stared down at the floor, the tension growing between them and weighing down on him as he tried to speak up again but still nothing came. Turning his head away from her he tried to focus on something else, he'd feel like a coward for not looking her in the eyes but if it would make him speak then...

Riftan's mind stopped as he noticed two books sitting on the table beside them. Taking a step closer he noticed one was small and worn out while the other looked to be one about Balto. Turning back to look at her, he noticed the one in her hands looked to be an atlas.

"What are you looking for?"

She visibly flinched at the sound of his voice. It made him feel almost as bad as when she lifted her head to show she was tearing up.

"P-pardon?"

Clutching his jaw, he walked up towards her and effortlessly took the book from her hands and started to flip through the pages. He needed to focus on something else instead of her tears.

He repeated his question and Maximilian seemed to finally realize what he meant as she let out a shaky breath.

"Oh...um...Anatol."

His movements stopped. A big part of him continued to feel sick with guilt while the other, the one screaming at him to hold her, felt excited. The fact that she was showing such interest in Anatol, his land, made him want to build up his home even more. Even if she was to never see it.

"You could have asked." mumbles a little embarrassed while moving back towards the table. The book landed heavy on the expensive wood before he started to flip through the pages. When he found the one on the southwestern end of the continent he stopped. Smiling a little he pointed down at the small peninsula that jutted out into the Isirian Sea.

"There."

Maximilian moved to stand beside him and hovered over the book. Looking away, he tried to keep his heart steady as he felt her lean up against him and her hair grazing over his arm.

"Oh...y-you're so f-far...a-away."

She sounds disappointed.

Giving into his curiosity, Riftan turned back and watched as Maximilian's finger slowly traced a path from Croyso to Anatol. She lingered over his lands before pulling away with a sad sigh.

"Not necessarily." he spoke without thinking, surprising himself as she turned to look up at him. Clearing his throat, Riftan took a step away from her warmth despite how much it was slowly killing him.

"Depending on the weather I could ride here in two weeks." He stated while closing the book before handing it back to her. He didn't know why he was telling her this, why he was giving her some hope he would visit. Her hands just barely touched his as she took the book from him while smiling again, as if everything was back to normal. At this point he was just being cruel to her, to them both.

Closing his eyes, Riftan focused on the tapping of the rain on the window as he steadied himself. He had to do this now. Clenching his fist tight he took a deep breath before opening his eyes to look at her.

"My lady ar-what the hells are you doing!" Maximilian turned to face Riftan, wide eyed and wobbling with the heavy book as she started to climb back up the ladder.

"What did I just say!"

Is she doing this on purpose to punish me?

"I-if I...don't p-put it a-away...it n-needs to go b-back."

Muttering a few choice words under his breath, Riftan quickly made his way over to her and snatched the book back out of her hands. "Let me do it."

"B-b-but y-you don't -" Riftan wasn't sure if it was the look he gave her that cut off her words or the fact he easily placed the book back where it belonged with little effort. Regardless, he was surprised to see her starting to look rather cross with him.

I wonder if she knew how cute she looked while angry.

He tried to ignore her adorable pouting and warmth of his own blush as he moved to pick up the other two books.

"Where do these go?"

She didn't answer him but pointed to a spot on the shelf that was at least at a lower part. As he moved to place the second book on the shelf, she started to play with her already messy hair. He wasn't quite sure why she was so nervous until he asked about the third book and was met with silence.

"My lady, you said these need to go back. Where does this book go."

Maximilian shuffled her feet a little as her shoulders sagged. She continued to remain quiet as she slowly led him towards the end of the library where the shelves lined the back wall looked to be about 4 meters tall. (Roughly 13 ft)

If she had been pointing at one of the bottom shelves, he would have been fine, no issue, no reason for his blood pressure to rise, but she didn't. The lady who he had just witnessed moments ago falling off a ladder that was, in all honesty, not that high up, was pointing at the very top of the massive bookshelf.

"My lady..." Riftan tried to keep any anger out of his voice, but it was hard to do when picturing her carelessly pulling out books from such a height. It didn't help that Maximilian was looking at everything but him as she continued to pull at her hair.

"How often do you carelessly climb these ladders?" he asked through gritted teeth as he moved to tower over her.

For just a moment there was a flash of fear in her eyes, but it quickly turned back into anger. She took a delicate step back and moved her hand from fidgeting with her hair to holding the book in a more lady-like fashion.

"Th-there's...no n-need to p-p-patronize me. I've...s-spent my ch-childhood...in th-this r-room."

Though she was trying to give off an air of nobility, her eyes gave her away. The way she held herself made her seem vexed but hidden in her winter lake eyes was a look of loneliness. It reminded him so much of how her eyes looked ten years ago. Was she truly lonely all these years? She had a little sister to play with, a father that seemed to dote over her and maids that wouldn't leave her alone. So, why did it feel like she had such a lonely childhood?

His expression softened as he reached out to gently pluck the book from her hand.

"I know I have no right to make demands of you, my lady, but I will still ask for you to be more careful next time."

He didn't step away from her, waiting for her to make some sort of agreement or protest his words. She stayed silent for a moment, before nodding. That part of him he was trying to ignore wished she had taken a little longer to answer him. Despite her taking a step back he was still close enough to smell her perfume and notice the fact her eyelashes were a darker shade of red to her hair. He wasn't sure why, but he found that little detail about her beautiful.

Maximilian's front seemed to slowly crumble under his gaze as she began to blush while her hands started to play with her long bell sleeves.

Feeling a little too warm, Riftan cleared his throat and created some distance between them before turning towards the ladder. As his hand reached out to start climbing, he stopped when he heard her whisper something. He sighed and turned back towards her while giving the lady a questioning look. Though she was still blushing, the annoyed look was back. It made him smirk a little.

"Is something the matter?"

"Y-you're t-too...tall."

Riftan continued to give her a confused look while ignoring the heat in his stomach at the memory of what happened the last time she said that.

"So you've said."

"A-and I m-mean...it. H-how...did y-you get so t-tall?" She pouted while taking a step towards him.

Chuckling, Riftan crossed his arms and leaned back against the bookshelf.

"Do you wish you were tall as well, my lady?"

She continued to pout a little at the question as the pulling on her sleeves seemed to increase. It looked as if she was seriously contemplating his teasing.

"It w-would m-make it...easier t-to get...the books I w-want." she mumbled.

"If you wish to be taller, I could carry you on my shoulders?" he continued to tease, his goal of breaking her heart slowly being forgotten as a small part of him liked the idea.

Maximilian let out a small giggle and smiled at the joke. She had to be doing this on purpose, giving that part of him he's been trying to ignore more power. He never imagined he would feel such turmoil in a damn library.

"Th-that w-would be...i-inappropriate."

"And you being alone with me isn't inappropriate?" he asked without thinking.

She quickly shook her head no; it made him feel a little too happy.

"Why not?" Another question that slipped out without thinking, he would have expected it to make her embarrassed but instead she simply smiled.

"You w-wouldn't h-hurt me." she said in such a soft voice it could have easily been drowned out by the sound of the rain.

Hearing her say that should have made him elated but that way she was looking up at him gave him pause. It felt as if she was waiting for him to answer an unspoken question. It pulled at his heart, because he knew why she might feel the need to ask. His teeth started to hurt as he clutched his jaw. He would have to hurt her, all because he was too selfish to let her be. Because he wanted more of her time, wanted to hear her laugh, wanted to see her smile, wanted to hold onto the lonely girl in the garden.

Whatever willpower that had been holding up that fractured wall broke as he gave into the urge he had held in for years. Riftan quickly stepped up towards Maximilian and pulled her in close. The lady let out a small gasp but didn't move to pull away or yell at him; she only rested her head against his chest as he placed one hand on the small of her back and the other over her shoulder.

Riftan wanted to swear to her that he would never hurt her, that he would kill anyone or anything that would dare harm her but the lump forming in his throat prevented any words from forming. Instead, he pressed his lips against the top of her head while gently tightening his hold on her. The reaction it earned broke his heart. He felt her hands pull on his tunic as she tightened her hold on him, and her shoulders started to shake.

He had wanted to do this for a decade. To hold onto the girl who looked as lonely as he felt. Riftan had always hoped she would hug him back as they both smiled and laughed. He never expected her to break down and cry or for him to hold back his own tears as he felt her arms move to wrap around him.

He wasn't sure how long they continued to hold each other all he knew was that he wouldn't stop until she wished it. Until that happened, he would continue to rest his cheek against the top of her head as his thumb slowly moved back and forth over her shoulder. When her sobbing eventually stopped, he heard her start to apologize, but he quickly hushed her. Riftan silently waited for Maximilian to pull away, but she never did.

Everything about this moment was starting to feel surreal, as if the world outside of this little section of the library no longer existed. All that consisted of his world at that moment was the rhythmic tapping of the rain against the window, the warmth of her hands against his back and the smell of old books mixed with her perfume. The moment was so peaceful, more so than any illusions Ruth could have ever created.

Eventually she stirred a little in his arms and moved to look up at him. Her eyes were redder than before and still wet from her crying. The way she looked at him and the feeling of her fingers playing with his tunic only seemed to play into his feeling of being in a dream.

Riftan moved his hand to gently wipe away some of her tears before cupping her cheek. Slowly, his thumb brushed over the dusting of freckles that he adored so much. He wasn't sure if it was the look in her eyes or the fact he could feel how fast her heart was beating against his hand on her back, but something gave him the feeling he could lean in and brush his lips against her cheek. He could taste the fallen tear as he continued to kiss down the side of her face, feeling her breath tickle the side of his face when she let out a small gasp. Slowly, he continued to kiss her cheek while moving closer to her lips. His lips just barely brushed up against hers when he felt her body shudder and her hands tighten their hold on his tunic.

That reaction snapped Riftan out of his trance and he quickly pulled away from her. He continued to hold her at an arm's length while they stood there in shocked silence. His guilt grew with each beat of his racing heart as she stared up at him with wide teary eyes. Why would he do that? This isn't what he needed to do; it was beyond cruel.

Dropping his hands from her, Riftan gave her a bow, making sure his head stayed down. He didn't have the courage to keep looking at her hurt expression.

"I beg your forgiveness, my lady, for taking up so much of your time." His voice was unsteady and with each word he spoke he could still feel the ghost of her skin on his lips and the taste of her tears.

Quickly, Riftan Turned on his heel, determined to leave before he made things worse when he heard the small wavering sound of her voice.

"I-I'm s-s-sorry."

No no no no .

Someone ripping out his heart would be less painful than her apologizing for what he did. She shouldn't blame herself, she should hate him, blame him, curse his name for this.

Riftan was just barely able to notice in time as the door to the library opened. Biting down hard on his lip he quickly spun back around and pulled her along with him to make sure no one saw them. It was bad enough he was doing this to her, the least he could do was ensure she wasn't seen as ruined by being caught alone with him.

As the stranger entered the library Riftan felt Maximilian pulling on his sleeve. Looking down was painful, her eyes were full of panic and guilt.

"I-I-I'm so-so sorry." she whispered in a shaking voice. Against his better judgment, Riftan reached down and brushed away her tears again. He couldn't leave it at this, he needed to know she would only blame him.

"My lady, are you still here?" a feminine voice called out, making both flinch. She didn't sound that far away from them.

"Tomorrow." he whispered in a low tone so that the intruder wouldn't hear.

"Meet me in the garden."