With Me As I Go
Author's Note: Qui-Gon is amazing, and so commonly written out of character, and I feel like he's very under-appreciated by the fandom. And after Tales of the Jedi, I'm really starting to adore his relationship with Dooku. 3
~ Tirana Sorki
This was written for hayam on ao3 for the Disaster Lineage Appreciation Exchange. I'm so sorry that it took you so long to get this, but we had to fill in for the person who was originally going to do it. I hope you enjoy the story! :D
~ Amina Gila
He wants to stay on Naboo, with Obi-Wan, with Anakin, but from the moment Qui-Gon feels himself dissipate into the energy fields of the Force, he knows there's someone else who needs his help far more. He can feel it, and Qui-Gon does not like what he's feeling.
"Master," he tries calling, for the tenth time or so, watching with numb horror as Dooku fights Yaddle. Qui-Gon has always feared for his master. He has always been afraid that his master would be tempted by the Dark Side enough to lose himself over the edge, and now? That's precisely what's happening, and Qui-Gon is powerless to stop it.
It was his time to leave the physical realm, and nothing anyone did could have stopped that. It won't be so easy for Dooku or Obi-Wan – or even Anakin – to understand that, though.
"Killing her will change nothing," Qui-Gon tries telling him. Dooku twitches, but he doesn't look at him. Can he even hear? Qui-Gon doesn't know. All he knows is that he's here, watching. And there's nothing he can do to stop this.
He tries again, and again, but in the end, there's nothing he can do but watch as his master kills Master Yaddle, as he pledges himself to the Sith Lord forever.
This was Dooku, his master, and Qui-Gon has always known that he can be very dark at times, but he never expected him to fully embrace the Dark Side like he has. Not to go so far as to join the Sith, and it makes him feel a smothering level of guilt, because once, it was always Qui-Gon who held his master back from the Darkness. Then, he became a Knight, and Dooku left the Order, and it feels like he ought to have noticed something.
Even if he isn't responsible for his master's choices and the things he's done.
In the end, all he can do is go to Master Yoda, because he was Dooku's master. He would know what to do, how to get through to him. His master needs help, before this gets worse, and if he couldn't see Qui-Gon, most likely, the only person who can is Master Yoda himself.
"Master Yoda," Qui-Gon calls when he finally finds the Jedi Master walking alone through the Temple halls.
He stills, both in the real world and in the Force.
"Master," he tries, "It's Dooku. You must help him." Desperation is clawing inside him, demanding that he does something to try helping the man who raised him, who cared for him, saved his life more times than he could count. Dooku had never been short of kind to him, even if he could be strict on occasion.
Yoda twitches, ears drooping, radiating sorrow into the Force. As one with the Force, with no physical form, Qui-Gon can feel it far more acutely than he ever has in the past. It's an ache of emptiness, of loneliness burning deep inside him. "Imagining things, I am," Yoda says, and keeps walking. "Dead, you are. Real, this is not."
"Master, wait," he protests, following, but Yoda doesn't respond again. But for whatever he wants, Qui-Gon cannot make anyone notice him. They won't see him unless they're willing to and are trying to, and it's something he doesn't believe will happen, at least not in the near future.
**w**
He had known he was going to die, he accepted it, but that doesn't mean it's easy to sink into the currents of the Force, still watching the living. That doesn't mean it's easy to watch Obi-Wan grieve for him alone. Or Anakin. The boy just lost his mother. He's in a world completely different from what he's used to already, and now, he's even more alone.
Qui-Gon's second greatest regret is that he never did have a chance to properly apologize to Obi-Wan. He knew he hurt him but he was too distracted between the return of the Sith, Anakin, and the Council's stupidity – again – for them to sit down and talk about it properly. He knows Obi-Wan, and he knew it was best to let him calm down and take some time to think it over before they talked, and Qui-Gon never truly considered that it may be too late.
He preserved his consciousness, but he knows his knowledge is far from complete. He doesn't know if he's able to interact with living yet, and the not knowing is harder.
Anakin becomes Obi-Wan's padawan, an arrangement neither of them are particularly happy about. If Qui-Gon had been more assured about the Council's agreement to train Anakin, he wouldn't have requested Obi-Wan do it. It was a promise he knew his padawan would never refuse, regardless of the cost. But in the end, Qui-Gon had felt it in the Force – they were meant to be together, for better or worse.
It hurts watching and being unable to comfort either of them. He hovers by their side, always watching them, but they don't know it. They can't see him. He tries to talk to them, but they can't hear him. They can't even hear him as much as Master Yoda did that once, though sometimes, Anakin does feel him. The boy is brilliant in the Force, and he latches onto Qui-Gon's presence whenever he's meditating if he can reach him.
There are times that he almost suspects Anakin will tell Obi-Wan that he feels him, but he doesn't. He never has, and Qui-Gon can only wait for that, too – though he can't blame Anakin for not mentioning it.
Anakin has no one, and it hurts to see him so lonely. Even though he's a Jedi, it's obvious how glaringly out of place he is. Obi-Wan is doing his best to help, but it's not enough. Watching Anakin from outside reveals so much more about him. Qui-Gon doesn't know any of what he went through on Tatooine, but he can speculate. He's endured far more in a nine-year life of slavery than most people have witnessed in their entire lifetime.
It takes a long time, but eventually their grief lessens. They start growing closer. Through the shadows of pain, they have moments, moments they actually look like family. These are his children. He only wishes he was alive to be with them.
Anakin is adventurous, and a streak chaotic, which isn't something he's surprised by.
And maybe it's that, coupled by how he never fit in at the Temple at all – it hurts to watch, because there's nothing he can do about that, either – that lead to Anakin deciding to leave the Order.
Qui-Gon can see the emotions warring on Obi-Wan's face, his desire to demand that Anakin stay, because his padawan will always do whatever he's outright ordered to – as a side effect of his upbringing, which is also natural – but he doesn't.
Master Yoda sends them on another mission before Anakin leaves, and Qui-Gon hovers nearby.
"This is Anakin's choice, Obi-Wan," he says, sitting in the co-pilot seat beside Obi-Wan, even if his former padawan can't see him, and probably can't hear him, either. "You can't make the decision for him."
Obi-Wan twitches slightly, and that's the first time he's reacted at all to Qui-Gon talking to him.
"It's not a failing," he continues, because he has to hope, even if it will change nothing. "Perhaps he belongs elsewhere, outside the Order." It isn't much, but it's all that he knows to say. Qui-Gon has no idea how he would feel if Obi-Wan left the Order, and it's not something either of them would ever have done. The Order is all either of them have ever known, after all.
And as always, his former padawan doesn't respond.
**w**
Watching never lets him stop wanting to talk to them, to help them. He watches Obi-Wan on Kamino, when he sees the clones Dooku spoke of so long ago, before the disturbance in the Force draws him back to Anakin's side. Normally, they're together, and that makes watching them easier. Anakin is the one who needs help, who needs guidance and support, even if Qui-Gon would just as much like to stay with his own former padawan. But Anakin is the Chosen One, and if he loses himself, the entire galaxy could be at stake.
And Qui-Gon is there on Tatooine, with Anakin, when he finally finds his mother again. It had been so hard for him to leave her years ago, and their separation was hard on him. Qui-Gon hadn't wanted to take them apart, but Anakin's destiny was important, and it wasn't something he could afford to let slide. It was too important, and leaving Anakin there wasn't something he could do for... any number of reasons.
And he watches as Shmi dies in her son's arms, her presence slowly fading away into the Force.
Qui-Gon touches Anakin's shoulder, in a failed effort to soothe him, but he's not physical, and Anakin is in too much turmoil to notice.
The Force is whipping up in a violent storm around him, and Qui-Gon knows something terrible is about to happen.
He sees it, feels it the moment Anakin's pain turns to anger, the same anger that gave Obi-Wan the strength to kill Maul. It's of the Dark Side, and this is Anakin. They cannot lose him to the Darkness. The galaxy needs him at his best.
"Anakin, no," Qui-Gon calls after him as he stands, stalking to the door and igniting his lightsaber.
He doesn't stop. He doesn't even hesitate, sending no hint of recognition into the Force. At that age, if Qui-Gon saw his master die like this, he would have lashed out, too. And those who did this deserve to be brought to justice, but not like this. Not by Anakin's hand, by something that will push him into darkness in so much the same way Dooku embraced the Dark.
And as always, there's nothing Qui-Gon can do to even try and stop it.
They have to make their own choices, and he just has to... wait.
**w**
The Sith's plans are picking up with Geonosis, the start of the war.
Qui-Gon has been trying to find a way for Obi-Wan and Anakin to meet Dooku, because even with the dangers it could lead to, they could just as well help each other through the grief of losing him. He knew they would encounter each other, that he would probably be helpless to watch as they hurt each other, too, because Dooku is a Sith, and the others are Jedi.
They're enemies.
"Master, what are you doing?" Qui-Gon demands of him.
Dooku hurt both of them, and Anakin irreparably. He was going to kill Obi-Wan. And war or not, that makes it no less difficult to watch. Dooku flees after Master Yoda arrives, and Qui-Gon follows. It's pointless, of course, because it will change nothing and he knows it, but after seeing what Dooku has done, he can't.
"How could you have done this?"
Dooku is so much more than this, can be so much more than what he's doing right now, but he doesn't know what to do. Qui-Gon knows that people are far more than their actions, and the same is certainly true about his master who had cared for him and Rael so much. But now, his master started a war. He's not just hurting people passively anymore – he's doing it actively, and it's against everything he's ever stood for.
"Why are you doing this?" he asks again, knowing how audible his hurt would be, if Dooku could actually see him. "You're hurting people, Master. You hurt Obi-Wan – you said you wanted to meet him. That you would care for him. And Anakin is just a boy." He might be skilled, powerful, but he's still young.
Dooku settles back in his seat, visibly worn, though saying nothing.
**w**
The war rages on. Anakin is a Jedi Knight now, with a padawan of his own. Ahsoka will never know Qui-Gon, but he knows her, watches as she trains and grows and changes just as much as he has seen Anakin and Obi-Wan.
He got through to Anakin and Obi-Wan for the very first time on Mortis, because of the strength of the planet, and how they weren't as closed off because of the strangeness on the planet already.
Qui-Gon had felt it when he stood by Obi-Wan as Satine died, and he knew that this was just the beginning of something much... worse.
With time, he knew the Sith – that Palpatine – would find a way to get Ahsoka.
But the Sith are framing her for bombing the Jedi Temple, something Qui-Gon knows she would never do, even if he hadn't seen the entire thing happening.
"You can't trust her, Ahsoka," he tries as she contacts Barriss, her friend, and also, the real bomber. He can understand Barriss's anger, but that doesn't justify the steps she's taken, trying to make her point.
Ahsoka doesn't even know who he is, though, and even if she did, she wouldn't have been able to know to see him.
Ahsoka is walking into a trap, and there's nothing Qui-Gon can do to stop it, to help her, but he watches, anyway.
This is right where everything could start falling, and he knows it. Without his padawan, Anakin will be struggling again, the same way Dooku was after Qui-Gon was Knighted. They won't be able to stay together forever, obviously, but Anakin needs her right now.
Qui-Gon stays with her throughout the trial and until everything is over, because he knows that's where Anakin would want him to be – it's Ahsoka who needs his help, even if he has nothing to offer.
She isn't alone through any of it, but that's not something she will ever know.
And Anakin wasn't alone, either, as he watched his padawan walk away from the Order and from him, in much the same way Dooku himself had done so long ago.
**w**
For years, Qui-Gon has been present and watching. He's used to it, and he's long, long since accepted his role in how he can't actively interfere or change anything. There's not much he can do, and he's accepted that it's what it is.
Or at least, he did, until the duel on the Invisible Hand, because he will not – cannot – watch as Dooku is killed, not for all that his master has caused suffering for both Anakin and Obi-Wan, or even the entire galaxy.
Even as one with the Force, Qui-Gon has been able to learn more of it. He's trying to learn to materialize himself, but in the end, he can only do it if the Force truly allows it. But now, he has to try.
And so, with every bit of the determination he can manage, he tries to appear again.
The fight just ended, and Anakin is standing over Dooku now, blades crossed at his neck.
"Good, Anakin, good," praises Palpatine. Qui-Gon knows who he is, but there's nothing he can do about it. Even if he can find a way to interact with the living, he can't tell them things they don't already know. "Kill him. Kill him now."
And that's all it takes for Qui-Gon to throw every last bit of effort he can behind willing himself to appear. He has to. He can't –
Anakin, Dooku, and Palpatine all freeze in unison, turning to look at him.
"Anakin, don't," he says, urgently.
"Master Qui-Gon?" Anakin asks, first to find his voice. Given that he saw him on Mortis, it's not surprising.
Dooku looks like he's seeing a ghost, literally. Which he is, technically.
"I'm here," he confirms, suddenly nearly at a loss for words himself. He's been trying to appear to someone for so long that he long since gave up hope it would ever happen, but now, it... is. He's finally talking to them. He's finally changing something.
"How?" Dooku demands, voice strained – likely, for multiple reasons. It's not easy to see him like this.
This isn't something Qui-Gon wants to discuss in front of Palpatine, but he doesn't have much choice. Besides, he doesn't know that the Sith could exploit something like this, anyway. "I found a way to preserve my consciousness after death," he explains, "I have always been here, watching you."
"That's why I always sensed you," Anakin realizes. He looks surprised, and slightly happy.
He nods. "I tried to speak to both of you before, but I wasn't able to appear until now."
An explosion rings out suddenly, the floor trembling beneath them, a sharp reminder that they're all in the middle of a battle. "You need to get off this ship," Qui-Gon urges, "And you should take Dooku with you." It's probably the only way he won't end up dead here. And... taking Dooku to the Republic could easily end up with him dead, too, but there's no other way this can go. The Republic won't let him go, and after everything he's done, maybe they... shouldn't. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to know that they may have to forcibly contain his master.
Would Qui-Gon still be able to get through to him?
"This is dangerous, Anakin," Palpatine warns. He wants Dooku dead, and Qui-Gon doesn't miss the sharp look of betrayal on his old master's face.
Anakin wavers for just a moment, glancing between him and Qui-Gon. "It's not the Jedi way," he objects quietly, deactivating the lightsaber.
Qui-Gon breathes out a sigh of relief – not that he can breathe, but the idea is the same. His master will be alright, for now.
He fades out to let Anakin focus, knowing that this time, when he wants to, he'll be able to appear again.
**w**
Qui-Gon doesn't appear again until Anakin and Obi-Wan are on the way to the Temple with Dooku. Qui-Gon is... admittedly afraid of what's going to happen to him, but at least he's alive. (For now.)
"Master?" Obi-Wan asks, eyes widening. Anakin already told him what happened, but he clearly wasn't actually expecting to see Qui-Gon. "How is this possible?"
"Perhaps someday I can teach you, but not right now," Qui-Gon replies, smiling at them warmly. They're his... children, and for all that he's watched them for years, he's grateful to finally have the chance to actually reunite with them. Even if he knows everything about them, they haven't even known he was there all along.
And maybe someday he'll teach them about becoming Force ghosts, too, but they're too young to need to worry about it right now.
"I missed you," Anakin says, an obvious longing on his face as he looks at him.
"I know," Qui-Gon replies, "It was my... time to go, but I wish you hadn't had to face that at the point you did."
"You knew before?" Obi-Wan asks. This obviously isn't the easiest topic for him either, but he actually looks happy, which is generally rare unless he's fighting.
"I sensed it coming. And in the end, you two were always meant to come together the way you did."
They exchange a glance. "We were?" Anakin asks curiously. He looks happy about it, though.
"Yes, I know you struggled with each other in the beginning," Qui-Gon replies. And sometimes still do, because he's seen the difficulties Anakin often has with how Obi-Wan is. "But you have come far from then."
The look they give each other is... clearly fond, even on Obi-Wan's part. "Yes," he agrees, finally, "Though I often wished I could have had your guidance, at first."
"I think you did fine," Anakin offers, almost shyly. Though even if he didn't think so, Qui-Gon knows he would never say so.
"I'm proud of what both of you have become," Qui-Gon tells them firmly, and he means it, despite all the mistakes he's seen both of them make over the years. "You are both great Jedi, far more so than I ever became."
Obi-Wan actually smiles at that – which well, is very rare. He just doesn't usually do that.
Anakin smiles at him almost shyly, looking more than a little overwhelmed, as though it's the first major praise he's... ever had. To be fair, it's not entirely untrue.
"There's someone else I need to speak to," Qui-Gon says, finally. They're getting close to the Temple now, and he's running out of time.
"Dooku," Obi-Wan realizes, and he nods.
"But if you want to talk to me again, I'll be here. You only have to call for me." He fades out at that, glad to see that they both seem more content than they have in... a long time.
**w**
Dooku is secured in the back of the transport, surprisingly still conscious, when Qui-Gon materializes next to him. He starts in surprise, and even though his expression rarely changes much, Qui-Gon grew used to reading it years ago. He can see – and feel – the guilt and grief, along with... a tangled mess of other emotions.
"Qui-Gon," his once master says, quietly.
"Master," Qui-Gon replies. There are so many things he wants to say to his master, and he doesn't know where to start. He doesn't fully know what Dooku wants him to say, either. "I don't know if you've sensed me before, but I've... always been here." He doesn't know where else to start. It's been so many years since they last spoke, that day right before he left for Naboo. He had the feeling something was off with Dooku, but he didn't have the time to think about it. He was too taken up with finding Anakin and dealing with the return of the Sith, and then, everything was too late. That doesn't mean that, as he'd walked away, he hadn't been hit with a strange feeling of finality.
"I may have... once or twice," Dooku admits, after a long pause, "I believed I imagined it."
How does he even approach this? He's never had a hard time talking to his master after the first couple years when he got used to him, but now... he's a different person entirely. "I couldn't expect anything else," Qui-Gon assures him finally. "You knew I was dead. Survival beyond death isn't something we learned about."
"Then, how did you find it?" Dooku inquires. It's difficult to read his tone, but Qui-Gon knows him well enough to know that his presence here is... hard for him to handle. Not as if he could have expected anything differently in that regard, either. He'd be surprised if it was any other way.
"I studied some of the secrets of the Ancient Order of the Whills."
For a long moment, they stay together in silence. He misses the days he could be with Dooku in person so much sometimes.
"I wish I had seen what was wrong sooner," he says, finally.
Dooku looks up sharply. "This was my choice, Qui-Gon. The Republic and Jedi were falling, and I saw no other way to stop the galaxy from collapsing completely." He's always been passionate about whatever he sets his mind to, and this is certainly no different.
"I think you've seen the destruction this has... caused, as well," he replies, slowly, "I know you only wanted to help, but Sidious twisted that, used that for his own gain."
That look of betrayal is back again. "I should have seen his betrayal coming," Dooku answers, bitterly, "I expected it, in time, but I thought I could make my move before he did, if it became necessary."
"You can still make some of this right, Master," Qui-Gon asserts, quietly, "You can tell the Council what you know. There may still be a chance to stop Sidious' plans from finishing." He doesn't know what they are – being in the timeless currents of the Force doesn't mean he knows everything about the future, even if he sometimes sees things – but he knows it's something disastrous.
"It's too late. And if the Council knew his identity, they'll act irrationally and only play right into his hands."
"Then warn them of everything. If they know all the ways this could go wrong, they'd be more cautious." And maybe it would also mean a chance that the Republic won't execute Dooku.
Dooku is quiet for a long pause, obviously considering it. "I will tell them," he concedes, finally, "But it may be too late for the galaxy to be saved."
Qui-Gon smiles sadly. "But at least you'll have done what you could to stop it." He can't help thinking there's other things Dooku could have done in the past, too, probably, at least, but he... doesn't need to tell him that. His master already knows that. His actions in the past are likely half of why he feels like he can't stop, because he can't believe it's been for nothing.
There's another long pause of silence. Dooku seems to be warring with himself about something. "I should have warned you about Naboo," he says, voice tight and layered with pain, "I never thought it would go so far."
It's jarring to think that his once master was allied with the very people responsible for Qui-Gon's own death, but his death was something he accepted long ago. And it's not as if Dooku was the one who did it. He didn't want it to happen, even if it still hurts on some level. "You did warn me," Qui-Gon points out, but making light of the situation will change nothing, "And I know it's hard for those still living to accept, but it was my... time. If that was what the Force deemed it as, it would have happened regardless of the way."
"You died because of me. I knew what you were walking into that day, and I never warned you."
Maybe it's true to a point, but even if Dooku had, Qui-Gon doesn't know how many others would've been sent. And he could still have ended up dead. But trying to convince his master otherwise won't help when this is part of what's likely haunted him for years. "If it means anything, I still... forgive you for it." It's not as easy to say the same about how he hurt Anakin and Obi-Wan and the entire galaxy, but when it comes to himself, he's entirely willing to let it go. "I'm only asking that you try to make this right."
Dooku heaves out a sigh, something weighted and distant in his gaze as he stares out at the passing traffic for a moment, before glancing back to him. "I will, Qui-Gon."
There's so much more they could say to each other, but maybe right now they both need the moment of quiet together, for the first they're truly with each other in over a decade. The most Qui-Gon can do is silently offer his constant presence to his former master, and hope that it will be enough.
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