September, 2187 - About One Year After The Reaper War
Go home, they said. If Jane Shepard had it her way, she could have spent another three hours at the Office of the First Protector. It was not that she was obsessed with work, well, as far as she knew. She was simply uncomfortable with her new diplomatic role, a quasi-honorary role combining public functions with actual executory power to keep the peace between Council Space, the newly formed confederation of the Terminus Systems, and the "wild frontier" of the Attican Traverse.
Just this past week, Jane spun in a whirlwind of meetings, press briefings, proposal screenings, and endless calls. Though it was an honor to be name the First Protector of the Milky Way, it was not a role that felt natural to her. Who was she? A soldier. The pristine offices in the Presidium was a million lightyears away from the military barracks Jane had spent the past decade-and-a-half in. Although Jane knew she had a natural knack with her fellow soldiers and even combatants. They were not her fellow soldiers or even enemy soldiers who respected the informal rules of the battlefield. Instead, they were politicians, diplomatics, community leaders; a whole new breed of sparring partners who spoke a language Jane had not yet learned. All of them, stepping over each other; vying for her attention to request that she prioritize their interests over the next person's. These problems were so abstract, so theoretical... it wasn't something she could sweet talk her way out of... or just punch.
It was not that she wanted to run away from her new duties. She welcomed the challenge with the way it forced her to process everybody's requests touching upon all the major novel issues facing the galaxy with vigor and enthusiasm. Weighing the pros and cons of all the courses of action with her advisors and consultants, many of them she suspected were just as overwhelmed as she was despite their many years experience in forming public policy and wading through the space mines of intergalactic relations, allowed her to exercise her brain in a new, even deeper way. In fact, it was within the buzzing energy of this beehive of constant activity where Jane felt most at home.
However, it was in this relaxed silence in this space that was supposed to be her home where felt most out of sorts. Her mind raced as it juggled the heavy balls of problems facing the galaxy, searching for a way to not drop any. Jane heaved a sigh, her gaze lingering on the delicate threads of Cashmere that surrounded her. The blanket cocooning her in luxury that she wasn't sure she deserved or even wanted. It was suffocating.
What would the nuns back at the foster home think of her now? An orphan growing up in the mean streets of Brooklyn within the Empire Megalopolis, she never imagined that she would sit in the lap of wealth and luxury. Throwing biotic punches and breaking jaws on the streets to defend her fellow foster sisters was a far cry from sitting in her penthouse apartment overlooking the exclusive Silversun Strip of the Citadel, the center of the entire galaxy. What a world away from the spartan military barracks that had been her home for so many years.
As she shifted her gaze around the room, searching for any traces of herself, she took in the glossy sheen of the mahogany bookshelves, desk, and Captain David Anderson's chaise. Eyeing his medals, the scrap metal from the first ship he commanded, and multiple diaries documenting his life — all preserved as if it were a museum to an illustrious past. It simply felt wrong to exorcize the ghost of the mentor she had held with such reverence.
She rocked her head — no — that was not why she hesitated to convert his home into hers. She had never known what it was like to have a home, so how could she begin to make one now? How could she make one for him?
Though never having a home to call her own, a wave of homesickness washed over her anyway. What was it for? Was it for Earth? How the warmth of the sun-ray hit her face, how the cool breeze blew through her hair, or how the beaming faces of the nuns and her foster sisters met her lonely stare? Here, in the Citadel, as the most famous being in the entire galaxy, she feared she would no longer experience those familial sensations.
As she lay, tension filled the air as guilt of carrying burdens she was not equipped to carry weighed heavily on her thoughts. Her bones ached with exhaustion as her mind swirled doubts as if a tornado had ravaged it, leaving nothing but fear and shame behind. How could she complain? There were entire planets in ruins, people with no homes, refugees paralyzed by grief of losing countless loved ones... and here she was; wrapped up in the most expensive fabric known to the galaxy. How could she complain about feeling a little restless?
Taking a deep breath, she reached for her OmniPad, and scrolled through agendas of the various meetings she had scheduled for the week.
Moments later, the familiar sound of sliding front doors pricked Jane's ears. Like Pavlov's dog, she knew what to expect. Her N7-trained eyes keenly honed in towards the entrance. Despite her military-grade discipline, she felt her smile grow broader than she would have ever imagined possible just a few years ago. Leaning forward, the beating of impatience busted the snare drum inside of her. Before she knew it, Jane vaulted over the couch and ran into Kaidan Alenko's open arms.
Kaidan met her embrace with a soft, warm chuckle. "I'm glad you're still excited to see me," he said as he wrapped his arms around her. Jane took in the refuge in his squeeze as his tight clutch on her body providing the warmth and comfort she did not receive from that cashmere blanket. His hot breath stiffed the flames inside of her. His hard chin rested on top of her head, providing her with a comfortable weight she wanted to carry. He then punctuated that gesture with a pointed kiss.
Jane stroked his sharp jawline and gazed upwards, admiring his chiseled face. Fingers ran through his dark hair, the texture of which was hard to describe. Not rough, but not smooth, thanks to the biotic static charge that kept it up just the way she liked it.
"Hey, now!" Kaidan chortled as she cupped his face into her hands.
"Let me just soak you in," Jane commanded, needing to squeeze his Adonis-like face into her hands. He was to have and to hold.
Kaidan's dark and yet soft expressive eyes softly laid on her. Despite feeling flushed, she would not break this stare; as cliched as it sounded, she needed to peer into his eyes as those beautiful brown eyes truly were the windows into his soul. Oh, she could read those eyes like a hawk. It was how she would know what he was thinking before he had to say a word. They were the same ones who pleaded with her to stay with him during the battle to take back the Earth three years ago.
Almost one year ago - October, 2186.
London.
Commander Spectre Jane Shepard expected London to be rainier and crisper in the fall, just like the last time she'd been. She remembered the trickles of icy, heavy rain against exposed skin, a soft scarf muffling her breath as she clumsily held onto her umbrella, but now?
Yes, London was still drab….. Like before, all the leaves were brown, and the sky was grey. However, now, a peculiar kind of grey covered not just the sky but the city. The kind of grey that represented death, destruction, and macabre all around.
Gone were the sounds of a dizzying array of voices from people of all walks of life. Gone were the smells from the smokey kebabs and pretzels from nearby street vendors. Gone were the feel of the vibrations emanating off the skytrains and sky cars zipping by. And gone were the sights of the juxtaposition of English gardens and urban trash. All she saw was death where there should have been life. All of this was too much of a reminder that death was looming. Jane Shepard had often flirted with death, and though she fought with every fiber of being to not succumb to its charms, the truth was she never cared much about that dance until now… now that she had someone whose death would pain her more than her own.
She knew that sooner or later, she would have to face this reality head on. Swallowing her fear, she marched towards Kaidan Alenko, the love of her life.
"Hey, Kaidan." She kept her composure cool and controlled, the trained commander that she was. That was the only way she'd get through this.
"Hey, there you are!" Kaidan responded, sounding shockingly cheerful, as if he could not contain his excitement upon seeing her. Out of all the men who had captured her attention before, she had no idea she'd fall in love with such a puppy.
Kaidan took a short break from going over formations and strategies with the biotics division he had trained prior. He relaxed his stance as he joined her for what neither of them would openly acknowledge as their possible final one-on-one.
Determined to keep her emotions in check, Jane, in her best trained officer's voice, asked, "You ready?" She followed her question with a brief, determined nod in order to exude cool confidence, as she was taught.
"Absolutely, for anything. Bring it on," he said hastily. She surmised he was ramping himself up. What a change from how severely in-control and stoic he was when she had first met him three years ago.
Trying to keep things distant, Jane added, "And the Biotics Division? Your students?"
He chuckled and relaxed his stance even further. "More than ready. Eager. That's youth for you." The quasi-casual tone of his speech made this all seem like a drill, as if this was another day and another test. This calmed her as she always aced her tests. Jane nearly cracked a smile.
"I guess we're old soldiers, eh, Shepard?" Kaidan offered another soft chuckle to lighten the mood.
"Old?" Jane thought to herself. They weren't even close to it, and how unfair it was that they may never grow old together.
Instead of admitting her true feelings, Jane answered, "Yeah, I guess we are…" Still maintaining a professional tone, her soul was screaming to tell him she only hoped that they could grow even older together after all of this ended.
"Comrades-in-arms. We know the score." Kaidan's tone deepened, and his splash of jovialness dissipated.
Jane felt herself soften at this.
Kaidan broke his gaze from Jane and eyed the ground then. She wondered what was going on in that mind of his. If only she could gaze into his eyes, then she'd know.
Then, returning his gaze to her, his eyes shined as they welled up. "We know this is goodbye."
How much fear and sorrow had he been holding back for her sake? All this time, she had been focusing on her own burdens and need to protect those she loved most; she forgot they must have been doing the same for her. Seeing Kaidan in this state, she came to understand it absolutely.
It took everything in Jane's power to not break down as well. "When this is over, I'm going to be waiting for you. You'd better show up." Her voice rattled in a near whisper. She stepped closer.
"Don't get me wrong," Kaidan then said in a near whisper, "I'm going to fight like hell for the chance to hold you again."
Taking a small step back, Kaidan continued, "But listen, there's... things I want to say." His voice quivered as he peered into her with the most loving eyes that had ever laid on her. With welled up tears accompanying his gaze, her heart nearly shattered. "And looking back, I have a few regrets, but not many. That's pretty damn amazing, right?"
Kaidan turned his head towards what the Reapers had left of the London skyline, prompting her to do the same. "Messed up kid that I was, never would have dreamed of the life I've had. And I owe a lot of that to you, you know."
Remembering what he had shared with her, the abuse and torture he suffered at during his teenage years at Biotic Acclimation and Temperance Training or BAaT. How she wished she could turn back time and transport herself to that forsaken "Brain Camp" and kill that Vyrnnus herself to save Kaidan all those years of pain… so he could live freely and not with the heavy burden she knew he carried on his shoulders. Oh how vividly she could picture his young self quaking with a tornado of hurt, rage, fear, and confusion even though she hadn't been there to experience it for herself.
However, this was not the time. She swore she was going to beat the Reapers and then she would have all the time in the world to clean his wounds and mend his scars.
Unsure of whether she could hold it together if she looked at his openly loving face for a moment longer, Jane turned away, and offered a curt, "It's been quite a ride." She was afraid that she would see the same suffering young man — no, the boy she'd see when Kaidan looked particularly pained.
"It sure has." He moved back in front of her, lovingly staring at her straight-on, as if storing every part of her face in his memory.
Jane offered a gasp before straightening up and remembering her training.
Kaidan's soft, loving expression did not change. "How are you doing? Scared?"
Was she scared? "Damn straight, I'm scared." With a surge of undaunted courage, not the absence of fear but the will to confront it, Jane's tone changed from detached to one of pure inclination and resolve. "But that fear will keep me alive long enough to strike these bastards right through the heart." Fear was something she could handle. Heartbreak, not.
Kaidan offered a warm smile and an encouraging fist pump. "Yeah, exactly."
Resolved with the need to carry this new wave of tenacity through, Jane hastily began her exit — not wanting to linger out of worry that more time with him would leave her a total wreck.
Eyeing the ground, Jane said, "So…" before stealing one last look. "Take care, Major." Her eyes fixed on him for a moment longer than she intended.
As she stepped towards his right to move on to the next party member she needed to check on before the siege began, Kaidan's hand delicately caught hers. It was not sloppy or aggressive, but graceful; a gentle hold, like one of a dance partner who could predict every move you were going to make and timed themselves accordingly in a tightly choreographed ballroom routine. Placing his other hand on her cheek, he kissed her intensely. The touch of his lips was like a soft flame exuding comforting heat in the dread of a looming nuclear winter… This was what home must have felt like.
She did not know how long they had kissed or who had seen them, but she did not care as her mind was too distracted by the feel of water dropping upon her cheeks. They weren't her tears.
With tears streaked down his cheeks, his voice trembled. No longer holding back any pretense of discipline, Kaidan confessed, "I can't lose you again."
He kissed her forehead and studied her as if he was taking his last look. Who needed a smile when the tears from the darkness of his eyes were full of love?
Before she could say or do anything, he stepped back. "Well," he said with a lighter tone of voice — somewhat forced. "I should find the rest of my squad."
"Yeah." Jane responded as she steadily backed away from him. She had to get out of there as soon as she could before she crumbled.
Looking around what was left of London, Jane thought about all the other megalopolises the Reapers had destroyed. Right now, that didn't matter as there was nothing she could do about the destruction that had already occurred. The only thing she could do now was destroy those monsters. Afterwards, she, Kaidan, and all the people of the galaxy can salvage the wreckage and build their homes.
The Present
The bitter memory flashed before her. The sensation of pushing Kaidan's resistant body towards their teammate Liara nearly froze her in place. It took everything in her power not to clutch her throat as she felt that lump when she ordered Liara to take him back to the safety of the Normandy. The way those gleaming, sad eyes coupled with the down-turn of his lips that begged her to stay with him forced her to turn and run towards what she thought would be her demise, right to the Reapers. What propelled her stride was running away from the pain she felt from him, the way she could feel it as her own.
No, she would never forget that look and vowed to herself right there amid the chaos of battle that if, miraculously, she would make it out of there alive, she would never make his eyes plead that way again.
Hating to dwell on such a painful image, Jane knocked it out of her mind by taking a bite at the tip of his nose. Responding to the slightest of flinches, Jane whispered, "Welcome home."
Luckily, any hesitation on her part went by unnoticed by him, as he lifted her head and forced her mouth open in a hot, ravenous kiss. Jane's toes curled. As Jane prepared to be carried off back to their bed, Kaidan suddenly dropped her.
Hands on her hip, Jane cocked her head, demanding to know why he halted.
In response, Kaidan smirked and nodded towards the dropped grocery bags on the floor. She hadn't even noticed.
Olive oil, butter, and garlic sizzled in the air of their kitchen. Kaidan moved to the beat of a neo-space R&B track. Jane watched as the 808 drums accompanying the smooth melody commanded his hips to sway in a way she thought only she could. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight of his arm muscles flexing each time he flipped the potatoes in the skillet.
From the nearby counter, Jane shook her head and grinned. "You know, when you described yourself as a simple beef, bacon, and beer kind of guy —"
"—I never said 'simple'," he interrupted, with a sparkle in his eye.
With a stern cough, she leaned in, not breaking her fixed stare. "I didn't imagine this was the kind of music you were into." Her lips curled into an amused smile.
"And just what kind of music did you think I was into?" Raising his spatula in time with his confused shrugged shoulders, Kaidan's brows knit together as he focused in on her.
Images of Canadian Moose wading through the pathless wood, burly men and women log rolling on a skyline-silver lake, and a fleet in flannel frolicking at a barn raising filled Jane's mind. "I thought you were into lumberjack music."
Kaidan dropped his spatula in shock, perfectly punctuating her statement.
Jane shrugged and took a sip from her beer bottle, allowing the icy liquid to soothe her now itchy throat.
"What is lumberjack music?" Kaidan raised his eyebrow.
The high pitch of the Alien Formerly Known as Earthling's voice hit an E-sharp chord.
"Well, not this!" Jane threw her hands in the air.
Shaking his head, with a brief blast of biotic blue, Kaidan lifted two plates of New York strips and levitated them down softly onto the counter top to rest. Peering at her with a befuddled expression, Kaidan stated, "I think you forget I'm from Vancouver sometimes."
Jane eyed the steaks, hungry to have them now, but knew that Kaidan was such a stickler to his studied cooking techniques. He could be such a "rule follower". With the itch of restlessness burned onto her skin, she played with her wedding band, feeling the engraved letters in the inner-ring against her left ring finger. His cough brought her gaze back to him. Did she just offend him?
With a mischievous grin, Kaidan said, "It's true what they say — that New Yorkers see nothing west of the Hudson River."
Jane chuckled before responding with feigned indignation: "Hey, I saw Newark, New Jersey just fine, thank you!"
With a hearty laugh, Kaidan answered, "Point taken. So anything past the Jersey Turnpike is just inhabited by barbarians living in mud huts, right?"
"There's corn, hippies, and movie stars."
Kaidan ran full-speed towards her, crashing like a wild animal. Roaring out a primal Tarzan yell, he pounded his chest and let out a furious grunt. Lurching forward, he shouted with ferocity, "I, Kaidan!" He clutched onto her.
She let out a delighted shriek as he tightened his hold. Lifting her off her feet, the suddenness of his embrace heightened the excitement in her veins. Their faces were now only inches apart. Jane ran her fingers through his dark hair, the texture of which was hard to describe. Not rough, but not smooth, thanks to the biotic static charge that kept it up just the way she liked it.
With a single, daring move, she planted a kiss on the nub of his nose. Her heart raced as she felt his heated breath on hers. She laid her eyes on his, those sad dark eyes that could communicate whole essays with just one glance.
He pressed his face into her skin and breathed in, as if inhaling her scent. His lips lingered on the side of her face, and he fervently whispered, "And you, Jane… sweet Jane." His words sang in her ears as his intense stare held hers.
If they continued this way, they'd have yet another late dinner. She cleared her throat, loosened her own grip on him, and asked, "So what's it like out there in the Pacific Northwest?" before returning to her stool.
Kaidan's eyes lit up as lips curled into a smile. "Funny because Vancouver is in the Southwest of Canada."
Jane rolled her eyes, and he chuckled in response.
Eyes now lit up, Kaidan stood in front of her, gesturing animatedly as he spoke. "Vancouver is not like any other city. It has woods and rainforests! It has a brilliant rustic charm mixed with vibrant nightlife and culture you'd expect from the most worldly of cities."
"Uh, huh…" Jane responded, beckoning Kaidan to continue with a nod.
"And craft breweries, the best in North America, not to mention the best whiskey …." He paused for effect. Jane leaned in, knowing he was about to hit her with his best shot.
"And the food! Talk about a place for foodies." Then, with a challenging keen stare, Kaidan added the triggering statement. "Did you know Vancouver has the best Chinese food outside of China?" He arched his eyebrows, the upper right corner of his mouth moving sharper upwards as he smirked.
Despite navigating this well-worn minefield, Jane fell into the trap. "Hey now!" Jane pounded the counter. "You've never been to Flushing, Queens. And Manhattan was the second-ever Chinatown! Hell, Cantonese-American cooking was invented there!"
"Believe what you want, but you can't change absolute truths." Kaidan shrugged, as if he had just hammered down the winning argument.
"Fuhgeddaboudit." Jane brushed him away and offered a friendly single finger in response.
"And the best part?" Kaidan raised his eyebrows pointedly. With a sly smile, he continued. "Vancouver is full of people from all over the world, and yet we're all friendly and willing to help any tourist because we're Canadians!"
Jane waved him away. Canadian friendliness was overrated. So passive-aggressive, just like Kaidan's spiel just now; just shoot your shot.
"Okay, Jane, now tell me what's so great about New York."
Jane harrumphed. As if he had never been; as if he hadn't heard already.
"Come on…." Kaidan swung his arm around her shoulders. "Tell me about it."
Jane's eyes shone as she talked about New York City. Kaidan's eyes crinkled as his smile grew wider as he listened to her describe all the ways the Big Apple contrasted with Vancouver and was, therefore, superior.
"So we New Yorkers may not be polite by Canadian standards, but we're kind in the real way, alright? We may curse you out while saving you from being run over by a speeding hover bus, but we'll save you, alright?"
Kaidan nodded slowly.
"We are kind!" Jane stomped her foot in response. "If we're short-tempered, it's only because we're busy and you slowed us down!"
As Jane went on and on about New York, Kaidan shook his head in disbelief at how easy it was to get her so riled up. Imagine that same Commander Shepard who coolly led the Normandy crew, patiently listening to everyone's worries and carrying the entire weight of the galaxy. The moment he first met her seemed like it just happened yesterday. How would he have known that his disbelief in the idea of "love at first sight" would have been challenged. Though he knew he had not fallen in love with on first sight, whatever he felt sure was close to it.
2183 - Four Years Ago
With his hands clasped behind his back, Kaidan Alenko walked from the bridge to the co-pilot's console in the cockpit of the SSV Normandy. Kaidan had been on enough Alliance ships to know that a ship was truly a world of sound. From the echoing clacking of the military school-trained steps of Alliance soldiers, to the hushed murmurs of conversation of crewmates at their designated consoles peppering in gossip among the ship-related communications, the heavy whooshing sound emanating off over Navigator Pressley's galaxy map, and the various beeps coming from the consoles where each pitch communicated a different signal. It all blended into the sounds of a ship in working order. If only all of that gently caressed his eardrums.
Hoping to calm the overwhelming sensations, he stared out into the vastness of space. He needed to concentrate. As Staff Lieutenant and head of Marine detail, it was his duty to ensure that this unprecedented experiment in cooperation between humans and turians went off without a hitch. If it did, this crew might secure peace between two warring races for decades to come. Making peace happen between the humans and the turians… yes, Kaidan had to make that happen.
Knowing this, he forced himself to concentrate on the screen in front of him despite the orange glow causing a migraine to throb against both his temples. Eyes fixed on the dossier of "Jenkins, Richard L.", he scrolled down the screen to see nothing but a sterile biography section and a list of accomplishments and commendations. A bitter chuckle escaped his lips.
Having no access to his own dossier, Kaidan had to imagine what picture it must have pictured of him — one of a superlative soldier with a spotless record, one fit to serve as an officer of this most important ship. His body tensed at the idea that the higher brass had reduced his entire being to nothing more than a list of accomplishments and commendations.
Of course, maybe that was a good thing. Kaidan shuddered to think what this "Jenkins, Richard L." or anyone else would think if they knew what the important higher-ups at the Alliance had left out of their lieutenant's dossier.
He wondered how much Captain David Edward Anderson knew about him, or if Anderson had only read his credentials before selecting him for such an important role.
Kaidan did not want to know. This ship was supposed to be his new sanctuary, one where he would be free from any intrusive memories of his past. He was a new man now, wasn't he?
Kaidan pressed against the solid L2 implants underneath his skin, and rubbed vigorously, as if hoping to shake the ghost of Vyrnnus away.
"Hey, Lieutenant!"
The Germans have a word to describe one who possesses a punchable face, backpfeifengesicht. Kaidan preferred the French expression, tête à claques, as was popular back home despite other British Columbians' views of anything Quebecois. Well, if this pilot had anything, it was a voix à claques.
"Yes, Moreau?" Kaidan asked, eyes still fixed on the dossiers.
"Man, I told you, call me Joker!"
Kaidan rubbed his temples even harder. "I'd like to, Moreau, but as Staff Lieutenant, I —"
"—come on, it's easy, Lieutenant!" Joker leaned back, widening his Cheshire cat smile.
The pilot smirked, and the blue and orange glow emanating from the cockpit's panel illuminated his face. The infinite space laid silently beyond as a backdrop to the scene. It's not that Kaidan wanted to eject this pilot out onto that backdrop, but knowing that there was no sound in space appealed to him right at this moment.
"It's not that hard; you just call me Joker and I'll call you whatever you want." The pilot raised his eyebrows.
"Again, as —"
"What would you like to be called?" The pilot's fixed on Kaidan's Lt. insignia on his Alliance shirt. "Skipper?"
"Moreau, that's quite enough. As officers of the Alliance, we need to act with —"
"—hey, if you prefer the Professor or Mary-Anne, I'm down with it." Joker peered at Kaidan, as if testing his ability to command this ship, to command this crew, to command him.
Kaidan held his breath for a moment and carefully considered his response. He had already read the dossier for "Moreau, Jeff". He knew all about how he went from being a shuttle pilot for the turian General Invectus to becoming the Normandy's helmsman and flight lieutenant. Even if Kaidan did not approve of hijacking a multi-quadrillion credit intergovernmental space ship while being chased by station security, had he been called "a cripple" too, Kaidan might have changed his mind about that.
Softening his face, Kaidan offered a warm smile. "Alright, Joker."
With a hint of an upward movement on the corner of Joker's upper lip, Joker said, "Thank you, Lieutenant."
"You can call me Alenko or Kaidan." Suddenly feeling exposed, Kaidan coughed. "I mean, if you want," Kaidan added with a shrug.
Joker punched the air with a "woohoo" before returning to face the controls of the cockpit.
Maybe Kaidan wasn't cut out for a position of authority. After all, an effective leader would have pushed back when Joker attempted to undermine him. Perhaps he should have taken control and asserted his authority in that situation. Wasn't that what being a commanding officer was all about after all?
And yet, the tension in Kaidan's body seemed to seep away like water from a sink. He closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath of relief.
Water...
Kaidan waved away that intrusive memory.
Instead, he gazed out the front shield of the cockpit, watching as the Normandy sliced through the glittering night sky. A part of him wished the ship could freeze in time, just for a moment, so he could take in the stillness of the stars. But Kaidan had long since relinquished any romanticism of outer space.
The truth was, for the past fifteen years, Kaidan Alenko warred with the night sky. Before joining the Alliance, with his feet planted firmly on the soft, safe soil of Earth, his neck would ache from the hours it spent craned up with his eyes fixated at the clusters of stars twinkling against the vast amethyst backdrop, as if they beckoned him to come.
Beckoning? More like mocking.
Where others saw an infinite vista stretched out, full of endless possibilities and hope, he only saw death. When one had been confronted with the stark, harsh truth that the only thing the universe had lying within its dark blanket was more of the same ugliness that was found on Earth, how could one marvel at its beauty? There was nowhere in the galaxy where one could escape it. No refuge; no sanctuary.
A week later, the Normandy docked in New York City harbor. As Captain David Anderson left to round up the last of the crew, Kaidan stayed behind to make sure every detail of the ship was in place. Tasked with taking attendance of all personnel on board, reviewing the troop training exercise, and drafting out a roster for each crew member's duties, Kaidan worked to keep his focus despite the hammering in his head. He feared the demanding responsibilities that came with his position would crush his skull into shattered shells.
Placing his palm against his forehead, he gripped onto his arm rest. A migraine pulsated along to the rev of the nuclear energy flowing through the ship. Inhaling slowly and exhaling with purpose, he bathed in the warm illumination emanating off his holo-screen. It was what he could do to not let the pain overwhelm him. His new position on this special ship was too important to allow a mere headache to stop him from ensuring those he commanded were in the most capable hands.
To his left, Joker had been talking non-stop since they reunited, sharing one jest after another. Although Kaidan had been ready to put his fist through the man's face when he first heard it, now, the sound of Joker's voice brought a sense of solace from the pounding pain hammering against his skull.
The sound of the sliding ship's doors opened, and Captain Anderson's voice boomed through the cockpit.
Jerking his head behind, Kaidan saw the looming figure of Captain Anderson. However, he could not quite make out the captain's companion. All he saw was that the figure was more slender than Captain's, but was still strong and sturdy.
"It's a woman!" Joker whispered, raising a brow.
Kaidan pursed his lips at Joker, telling him to keep quiet as he readied for an introduction.
Rather than sticking around to introduce the newly appointed commander to his subordinates, the Captain whisked her away into the communication room. Unfortunately, with their view obstructed, they couldn't get a good look at her features. She could have been anyone for all they knew.
With a sigh, Kaidan turned his chair back to face his console.
"Gee, I wonder if her highness has more important things to do than greet us peasants." Joker scoffed.
Kaidan turned towards Joker and narrowed his gaze, to which the pilot raised his palms up in defeat.
"Alright, alright, I won't be so judgmental."
Kaidan offered a slight nod of approval.
"So soon." Joker added, with an arched brow.
Kaidan responded with a swaying shaking of his head.
Kaidan's eyes darted rapidly over the data screen as the seconds ticked away, his finger fleetly tapping at the keypad. Suddenly, a sharp voice echoed in his earpiece, and Kaidan froze. He felt a rush of adrenaline, but quickly worked to regain his composure to respond crisply to Captain Anderson's orders; as expected of an Alliance officer.
"Lieutenant Alenko, please come to the Comm Room."
Kaidan answered his captain's call with a controlled "affirmative". Chin up, chest out, and shoulders back, he marched through the Normandy's narrowed halls. Walking through the dimly lit corridors of the Combat Information Center, his steps seemed to echo off the metal walls. Alliance cadets stopped their stride and saluted Kaidan as "Staff-Lieutenant Alenko". He bowed his head in acknowledgement, but felt like a fraud. Despite having outranked them, uncertainty swallowed him whole.
This was supposed to be his chance to restart his life anew. To finally find his home. Who was he kidding? A ship could never be a home.
With his heart racing as he stepped into the communication room, Kaidan readied himself to meet her highness. He swallowed, trying to control the unease bubbling in his chest. What if this new X.O. sized him up and figured him out? What if she knew more than what his dossier had shown?
Kaidan's body tensed as he stared ahead towards the broad-shouldered figure of Captain Anderson. However, he gathered his strength. Eyes narrowed, Kaidan was determined to face his new commanding officer head-on.
As he stepped closer, all his worry about the X.O. dissipated. Was there a slight twinkle in Anderson's eye? A whisper of a smile at his lips? He wanted to tilt his head in confusion, ask questions, but he stopped himself — it wouldn't have been appropriate, and he wasn't about to disrespect the man with such a showing of indiscipline.
Still, his mind was racing. What was making Captain Anderson so relaxed? All Kaidan could make out was a slightly slacked female figure from behind, and her wild, gesturing arms. Her voice was commanding, but not dry or battle-weary. Rather, it was full of spirit. Reacting to her sound, he gulped.
As if caught by an unwanted peeping Tom, Anderson's face turned a degree or so more sober. "Ah, Lieutenant Alenko," he said with a bit too much commanding officer emphasis, "meet Commander Jane Shepard."
The name struck a chord in all of Kaidan's veins.
She was joining the Normandy? Though he found it strange that the Alliance hadn't yet sent him the dossier of the incoming X.O, he did not expect the secrecy would be because it was her.
Rumors of the infamous Shepard ran rampant throughout the Alliance ranks. Privates and officers alike spoke of her with an almost fabled reverence. Kaidan was eager to lay eyes on the woman behind the myth.
Oh, the stories he had heard. First, how she had risen from the streets of New York City as an orphan and escaped the street gang life to become a member of the Alliance. Then how her sheer talent and discipline led to her graduating from the Alliance's unforgiving, back-breaking N7 program two-years after her officer's training at university. Of course, she went to university. And of course she went to Yale. Kaidan shook his head at how much he knew about this famous figure.
If one thought the stories of her academics and training were impressive, they were nothing compared to what she did afterwards. Now, the stories of her youth, education, and training were dwarfed by the tall tales of her on the field — of how she had embraced the dangers of the galaxy with a fierceness and a drive rarely seen. Some had said that, in battle, she showed no signs of fear or caution. Recollections of her boldly plunging into danger in order to protect entire planets spread across the Alliance canon.
And how could they not? If a tenth of these stories were true, then she was already a war hero. How could she not be? She pretty much single-handedly repelled an attack by batarian slavers on Elysium, earning the Star of Terra for her effort.
And that wasn't even her best story. Shortly after Elysium, she was sent on what would be a survivor mission, where she narrowly escaped as the sole survivor of a thresher maw attack that slaughtered her entire unit on Akuze. Surviving that intact, she then dived head-first; mission-after-mission with colleagues and witnesses waxing poetic about her dedication to ensure that every member of her team survived. "No casualties ever" was her motto, apparently.
Kaidan nearly rolled his eyes. Though she sounded too good to be true, Kaidan did not doubt the facts of the story. Instead, he wondered if her heroics made for the best commanding officer. She seemed like the type to flirt with danger, a trait Kaidan did not admire as he felt military types glamorized the soldier playing her own rules personality too much to the point of recklessness.
He would have scoffed, but did not want her mistaking his gesture as one of ridicule as he would have never. Despite his personal feelings regarding her battlefield style, he respected her. Rather, he wanted to scoff at the frenzied fanaticism surrounding her, pushing her onto an unreachable pedestal. He knew all too well the dangers of being built up just to be torn down. He wished that no one, especially one who sounded like one hell of a soldier and officer, would ever go through that.
Commander Shepard slowly pivoted to face him, and offered a friendly, yet slightly cautious, smile.
Kaidan felt his face flush and stopped himself from gulping. The image before was a storm for his senses.
With her potent posture, she had the body of a warrior. And yet, something about her seemed delicate, so open, but not obviously so. Most would mistake her secure, unwavering stare as commanding, but Kaidan saw a sparkle behind her clover-green eyes, one of pure child-like curiosity.
Suddenly self-conscious that he may have been staring too long, he coughed, causing her to tilt her head in response, revealing a long, swan-like neck. He watched as her unruly, saturated ruby hair spilled down in a wild, razor-cut bob that danced around her shoulders. Black-painted lips curved into a broad smile.
As his gaze finally met her gleaming eyes, encircled by smokey eye shadow, a dynamite of desire silently exploded with each breath he took. As she approached him to shake his hand, the sensation of her calloused skin sent electricity through his veins, jolting his heart, and causing it to jump. Kaidan hoped his stoic stance, neutral face, and careful speaking hid the fireworks that shot up his spine.
Keenly focused on him, she said, "I look forward to working closely with you." She did not mean to sound flirtatious, he knew that — but flirtatious she was. He wondered if she was conscious of how the sound of her voice sent a shiver down his spine. There was something so full and comfortable in her voice. There was a depth of sound but a warmth that just made you want to listen to her. That was when he realized he no longer suffered from a migraine.
As she leaned in a few inches more towards his face, Kaidan, doing his relaxing breathing exercises, caught a whiff of her smell. That was it. Sweet but balmy, with notes of citrus and jasmine that left him wanting more. The empty hearth deep inside of him that he had not dared to light for more than a decade was now blazing with a healthy, hearty flame.
Walking side-by-side along the Normandy's halls, Jane Shepard — no Commander Shepard, Kaidan had to remind himself — peered forward with an inquiring gaze. Her ruby hair bobbed as she tilted her head upward and listened as he introduced her to fellow cadets and parts of the ship. He wanted nothing more than to pin his gaze on her, only to find himself unable to turn away from whatever part of the ship or member of the crew he was introducing her to. He swallowed a gulp that reached the pit of his stomach. Pushing away any seeds of desire, he buried it away somewhere deep, where it could not grow.
As they reached the cockpit, Commander Shepard introduced herself to "Joker".
While she darted questions towards Joker, Kaidan dared to steal a glance out of the vast, curved window in front. As he looked into the vastness of space, he felt a weight in his gut. For so long, he had kept it at bay, but now, Kaidan finally felt the impact of sheer loneliness hit.
"Alenko?" Commander Shepard arched a brow as both she and Joker gazed at him. Well, Joker gazed at him. Shepard's eyes were less of a gaze and more of a piercing stab, as if she was trying to cut open his flesh to peer into his soul. He only hoped that she couldn't see what he saw, that with every twinkle, the stars winked at him, telling him, "Not a chance in hell."
Continuing his tour, Kaidan found conversation with this Commander Shepard so easy with the way her wide eyes watched whatever he was pointing at with such concentration, which only prompted him to speak a little more freely at every turn. It was all a little too easy.
"So, Lieutenant, tell me a bit more about yourself."
Kaidan's friendly smile hid a growing suspicion. What was her game? Why was so cloying trying to get him to speak, to reveal himself to her? What did she know?
Alas, there were a million things to handle on this ship, and he was in charge of more than half of them. As he waved off her question using one of the million tasks as an excuse, he made a note to be careful with this Commander Shepard from here on out. He worked too hard to keep his feet planted firmly to the ground to get all starry-eyed now.
Some sanctuary of solitude.
The Present
Now, as they faced each other in their kitchen, his Commander Shepard huffed and puffed. Her natural inflection and native accent escaped through her controlled, trained officer's voice like rays of light through an increasingly cracking wall. He sat, no longer overwhelmed by her sound and her smell. To think, before he had met her, he thought he could be content, no tolerate, a life of deafening silence and odor-less sterile air. For sound and smell had been his enemy, causing him never-ending punishing pain. Now, he could enjoy her perfumed symphony.
Like a conductor waving her arms, she continued. "Everywhere you go you can feel everyone's spirits just teeming with ambition and, and that unbridled optimism knowing that your big break, that success is just within reach!" She continued on about the landmark, the pace, and the energy of fifty million dreams and ambitions.
Kaidan felt caught up in their exchange despite himself. Even her more riled up side was infectious.
"So once the rebuilding is done…." Jane paused.
Kaidan coughed in response. With a lightning flash, he remembered Vancouver wasn't Vancouver anymore either. Those damn Reapers.
Jane quietly returned to her seat. Softly, she said, "Anyway, that's just what I think." Slowly spinning on her stool seat, Kaidan faced the empty surface of the counter.
After a heavy moment of silence, Jane took in another sip of her beer. Kaidan wished he had something to occupy his antsy hands. Instead, he rubbed his wedding ring, something he realized he now did more often than rubbing the L2 implants under his temples as he had done nearly his entire life.
Jane sighed and slumped, probably thinking about what of the New York she knew could be salvaged in the reconstruction. Kaidan knew because he was doing the same for Vancouver. It was understandable, after all. Those were their homes, unlike the Citadel and this new life they didn't ask for.
"Two very different cities," he murmured, reflecting on their conversation. It was not just the loss of the cities as they were pre-Reaper that weighed over them, but another, deeper conversation they had successfully avoided since they said, "I Do." Since then, Kaidan had gradually gone from dipping their toes in shallow water to wading waist-deep into their conversations about home.
In their rush to marry, they had forgotten to address some very important topics, such as where they would settle once they retired from duty.
About Nine Months Ago - January 2187.
The "Commander Shepard" had just prevented the annihilation of all intelligent beings of the galaxy, both artificial and organic.
Her fame spread across the galaxy, earning her a reputation as "The Shepard". The one sent from the heavens to save billions of lives from the insurmountable danger and inevitable destruction. If Shepard was an unstoppable force before, she was now beyond the elements. Once, her name commanded fear and awe throughout the Milky Way. Now, it has become synonymous with the galaxy.
But here, at Huerta Memorial Hospital, the hero of the galaxy needed help going to the bathroom.
Upon her call for assistance, Kaidan leaped into motion, quickly straightening the automated bed and swiftly wrapped one arm around her waist and the other around her back. His touch was firm and sure, though gentle, as if he knew how much pain she was in. Despite her welcome embrace, he could feel an underlying tension, with their breaths coming faster with each passing second. He could see the intensity of her gaze, and for a moment, he thought of what it would be like to kiss her.
Instead, he coughed, breaking the spell. This is not what she needs right now. "Need the wheelchair?"
Jane gritted her teeth. "No… let me try walking. The doctors said I can try short distances with all the progress I've made in physical therapy, so long as we both do the exercises they taught us to ensure safety."
He nodded and grabbed hold of her waist as the physical therapist had taught him. They turned side-by-side, and he waited for her to take the lead, a silent challenge emanating from his eyes urging her on.
Taking a deep breath, she tried to take a step with her right foot, only to cry out as her legs gave way. However, Kaidan had already caught her, his arms tightly secured around her middle.
Kaidan prepared to lay her back onto the mattress, so he could safely cradle to the bathroom, as the PT had coached him under a watchful glaze.
"I can do it!" Jane clenched her jaw as sweat dripped down alongside her determined scowl.
Kaidan dared not to break his gaze. "Jane, I —."
"I can walk fifteen feet, goddamnit!" Jane punched the mattress.
With a silent plea in his eyes that begged her not to continue despite her desire to, Shepard sighed, and then nodded, as he carried her to the bathroom in the manner the PT had coached him.
A few weeks later, Kaidan and Jane strolled side-by-side as she exercised her legs.
Jane leaned against him, clearly still feeling the crippling weight of the Reapers' domination — both physical and emotional. The exhaustion from her daily sessions of physical therapy was palpable, yet a sense of impatient determination kept her moving forward. He watched in awe as she pushed herself beyond what they thought were her limits, embracing each challenge as a chance to grow stronger.
"You think the Council will put me back into service soon?" Jane beamed, chin up.
Kaidan hoped not, but hid his desire behind an encouraging smile.
"Admiral Hackett wants you to start soon, right?"
Kaidan nodded quickly, not wanting to dwell on his calls to duty. "They said once you are well enough, they'd like me to take care of some things."
Her lips tightened. "Do you think you'll have a break coming up?"
Kaidan shrugged. "I think after I accept an initial number, I'll ask for some downtime. Spectres are allowed to be choosey, as you of all people should know."
She sighed. "Am I still a Spectre?"
"What else are you?"
"A Shepard?"
"The Shepard."
"Before, when I was a soldier, I knew what I was, a gun for hire for a noble cause. Now that I'm a symbol, I don't know what I'm fit to do, to be."
Kaidan cupped her chin in his hands. "Hey now." They both took a seat at nearby chairs.
She gripped onto him tighter as she rested her head on his shoulder.
He whispered, "You are Jane Shepard. You are whatever you want to be." With the top of her head exposed, he could not help but take a whiff of her smell.
"But what if I don't know what I want to be?"
"That's fine too." He kissed the top of her natural titian-red hair. "You don't have to be anything. You owe nobody anything."
For a long moment, they sat. Allowing themselves to safely secure themselves in each other's presence.
Then, she slapped his lap, and she asked, "Do you think it would be fun —" she blushed, but continued on, "Do you think it would be fun if we got married?" A hurried explanation listing all the practical reasons as to why they should get married followed.
Kaidan studied her intently, taking in every detail of her slumped posture and heavy feet, but also the spirit that shone through her. He could not believe the pull she had over him, making him abandon his usually cautious nature in an instant. When she finished speaking, he shouted "Yes" without hesitation, his own desire echoing through the air. He had known for far too long that he didn't want to ever be apart from her - never fully away from her.
The Present
After a few more moments of silence, Jane and Kaidan awkwardly spoke in unison. With a cough and a gesture of his hand, he gave Jane space to proceed.
"Well, we should enjoy these quiet dinners while we can," Jane said, trying to sound casual but not succeeding.
"That's true," Kaidan murmured. "In about a year, we'll be too busy traveling in the new Normandy 3. You, as First Protector of the Galaxy, with your diplomatic administration."
Kaidan rose to make Jane her plate. "And you as traveling Spectre, off to wherever the Council sends you."
Handing Jane her plate, they shared an awkward glance before quickly turning away. Neither wanted to talk about the distant future, where things were more permanent. It was easier to look closer, where things were still transient and sure.
Avoiding the elephant in the room, they discussed the next four years, from diplomatic meetings with the new heads of the Terminus Systems to exploring new atmospheric environments in the Attican Traverse, and to mapping and negotiating uncharted stellar systems. It all sounded so exciting! And yet, they felt anything but eager.
An anxiousness overpowered him as he felt her nervous energy as well. The more they spoke, the more frantic their words were as they spoke more and more about the near future.
Unable to take his hand shakes, he grabbed hold of Jane's, hoping her usual firm grip would steady him. With their palms joined, they both inhaled, breathing in the comfort of each other's breath. The warmth exuding from the heat of their skin calmed them.
"Hey, breathe," she whispered softly, her thumb tracing comforting circles over the back of his hand. "It's okay. We can do this."
He nodded, his eyes closing as he took a deep breath in through his nose and slowly released it through his mouth. "I know," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "It's just...everything feels so uncertain right now. And with all the changes happening, I don't know what to expect."
She squeezed his hand, her fingers lacing with his. "I know," she said, her voice low and soothing. "But we've faced uncertainty before, and we've come out on top. We can do it again."
He opened his eyes, his gaze locking with hers. There was so much trust and love in her eyes that it felt like a weight had lifted from his shoulders.
"You're right," he said, feeling some strength return to him. "We can do this. Together."
They sat in silence for a few moments longer, allowing the tension to slowly dissipate.
"Hey," Jane said, with a hint of naughtiness. "You know what would make you feel better?"
Kaidan raised an eyebrow, a sly smile playing at the corners of his lips. "What?"
She leaned in close, her lips brushing against his lobe. "A little distraction," she whispered, her breath steaming into his ears.
Those soft, dark brown eyes turned hungry. Without word, he leaned in and captured her lips with his, deepening the kiss as they both lost themselves.
Their hands roamed over each other's bodies, exploring and rediscovering every inch of skin.
When he lowered her down to their bed, Jane felt his heavy, rugged body press against hers. After showering her neck with desperate, lustful kisses, Kaidan took in a deep breath, as if taking in her smell.
"Welcome home," he drawled, nestling his face onto her neck.
In their bedroom, Kaidan's kisses became more ravenous, as if becoming increasingly desperate for the taste of her skin. The intensity of her own heat reached out to clutch onto his hard, unyielding muscles. As her grasp tightened, she ran her hands along his back with wild abandon, reveling in the feel of his skin beneath her fingertips. She felt him shake, as if the anticipation of touch was too much for him to keep caged. Peering into his eyes, she was that familiar primal hunger within him. The duality of his passions to be her companion and to indulge in his wildest cravings were in battle. She pulled him close, readying herself to carry his domineering weight, consenting to his control. With not wanting to be his tamer, she wanted to free the beast within him, let him pounce onto her. Her once broken body craved his; she called to be devoured by him fully.
His hands traced along the contours of her body, teasing her at every turn it took. With his head close to hers, she breathed in his sweat, sending her senses spinning. With full biotic force, his pressed against her. Biting her lip, she saw his head lower down to in-between her thighs. Warmth spread all over, as she let Kaidan enter to where she could not hide. With his tongue enjoying every last drop, her body stretched, her skin tingled. The gentleman and the beast within him no longer battled against one another, but fused into a being who knew exactly what he and she wanted, and their bodies danced under his control.
Just when when she felt like her body couldn't wait any longer, as she was about to beg, he rose and pressed his sculpted chest on top of her with fierce intensity. With his head now so close to hers, bit bit into patches of his exposed flesh, needing savor his flavor. He dove deeper into her, as if desperate to fuse their bodies. Jane pushed back with just enough force, to tease his wild wanton will.
Kaidan grabbed hold of her wrists and leaned her back downwards. Now in position, his hips lined with hers, and he entered. Each dominating thrust sent deep currents of delight through her body. The sound of their slapping flesh filled the air like drums, each beat playing in Jane's ear like the ramming bass line of an 808 drum. She cried out as she was hit with wave after wave of pleasure. He continued to plunge into her with a matching urgency. When their eyes met, Jane took in the blue glow escaping from his usually dark eyes. Her own azure ecstasy began shooting out from her. The electricity of Jane's biotic energy fused with his biotic surge, jolting her alive with each passing second. Their moans grew louder as they were swept away in an unbridled crescendo of exploded passion.
A bolt of biotic blue surged through their veins, engulfing them and leaving them quivering with pleasure. The rippling shockwaves seeped from their bodies as they clung on to each other, desperate to merge into one.
Deep into the night, she held his hand, each finger delicately entwining with his. Their matching wedding bands glinted in the light — each engraved with the phrase "Comrades-in-Arms" in delicate cursive underneath the band. The rings on their fingers were adorned with the words that had been inked on their flesh, seared into their hearts, for they were aligned.
Who cared if they lived on the Citadel with its artificial climates and fake day/night cycle. Who needed the rain drops on her skin when the storm that brewed between them was so full of life? Who needed the warmth of the sun-ray to hit her skin when his inner light shone so brightly onto her, levitating her to beyond the heavens?
As their their bodies relaxed, Kaidan pulled her into his embrace. He pressed his face into her still damp titian mane, brushing his fingers delicately through its tousled strands. She greedily soaked in the comfort of his shrouding body.
Home was not a physical space, but in one another. No matter where the universe took her, took them, she would always have him inside of her. It was deep in his arms, she wanted to be buried; deep within his soul, they had wanted to be married — for they were each other's sanctuaries.
Kissing his ring finger, she knew he was her home.