Hey guys, happy Wednesday!

I don't usually do this, but this ideas has been wandering around my head for a few days so I decided to write it down.

Hope you like it.

Happy reading!

Xoxo,

Nina

No matter how hard I tried, explaining what I was feeling was impossible.

It was a mixture of pain, worry, uncertainty and guilt. It was all the worst pains I have ever experienced put together inside my body.

Although I wasn't the one who was shot, I could feel it. I could feel my own scars throbbing. It was a physical pain and an emotional pain and to be honest I have no idea which one was weighing more on me right now.

I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink, much less sleep. I just couldn't think right.

This was different from my PTSD, it was even different than almost losing Mak to her uncle or when she was taken, because in all three of those situations the common denominator was him. He was right by my side and now he isn't.

Maybe the most similar pain I've felt was when I lost our baby. Not because he wasn't there with me, he was, he never really left me. The similar ingredient in both situations is guilt. I felt guilty for miscarrying, I felt like it was my fault we both didn't get to meet our child. And now, that familiar feeling is invading my heart again. I know it isn't my fault he got shot, I'm aware of that. But it is my fault that we lost so much time.

I spent years pushing him away because I was too scared to face my feelings, I was too busy punishing myself for everything that I didn't allow myself to feel, to love to let him love me, but he loved me anyway, in whatever way I let him.

Why?

Why was I so stubborn? Stupid? Why didn't I tell him what I was feeling before?

Is life punishing me for that now? Is that what's happening?

The pain was pressing so hard on my chest, I felt my bones were about to shatter. Even breathing was hard to do.

I had no idea what was going on around me. The only thing I managed to do was call the sitter to make sure Mak was taken care of. As much as I wanted to be with her and hold her, I knew I was in no headspace to do so right now. I mean, what was I even supposed to tell her? I have no idea what's going on, I have no certainty whatsoever. How can I look my daughter in the eyes and tell her that maybe he would wake up and maybe he wouldn't? How can I tell the sweetest girl with the kindest heart that the life of the man that she just started to call dad was hanging by a thread?

"Hey." His voice was soft. I guess he realized how unstable I was and wanted to keep me relaxed, or at least as relaxed as possible. "I brought you something to eat."

"Thanks Kev, but I'm not hungry."

"I know, but I also know that you've declined everything that Platt and Upton have brought over and you need to eat something, Kim."

"Kev, please. Not now."

"At least drink the orange juice."

"Fine." I took the box in my hands hoping that Atwater would be pleased but he still wasn't. He stared at me and waited until I took the first sip.

"Good. At least you have something in your stomach. Platt went to get you something to get changed into and Hailey had to go with Voight to the district to finish up some paperwork about the case."

"Ok." I nodded in appreciation, having everyone around supporting me and Adam meant the world, but at the same time I couldn't care less what they were doing, I just wanted him to wake up or for the doctors to come and tell me that he was fine, that everything was going to be okay.

"Listen," The seriousness in his tone gave me no other choice but to come back down from my thoughts and look at his face. "are you sure you don't want me to spend the night with him? I can call my aunt, she can stay with Mak and Jordan and you can go and try to rest."

"I'm not leaving. I told him I was going to stay by his side no matter what and I'm not moving from this place."

"Ok, ok I got it. I'll go pick up Mak then, and tomorrow I'll drop her off at school."

"Thank you."

"Don't mention it. You know how much I love you guys, you're my best friends, there's nothing I wouldn't do for you."

"I know." I tried my best to hide my sobs but it was pretty useless.

"Hey, hey, he's gonna be just fine. He's too stubborn to give up and he sure as hell won't be leaving you two on your own."

Kevin's words were the final strike needed to make my tears cascade down my face. When his strong arms wrapped me in an attempt to comfort me, all I could do was cry harder. "It's ok Burge. Let it all out."

I stayed like that for a few minutes, his hand switching between cradling the back of my head and going up and down my back to sooth my cries.

"We're back together." I confessed in what it seemed to me like an inaudible whisper, but Kevin heard.

"I know."

"He told you?"

"I think it was the first thing he told me when he saw me. He just couldn't wait to share it. But even if he hadn't said a word I would have realized it."

"Yeah?"

"For sure. He was high on life, joyful, in a good mood. He's only like that when it's something about you."

Now, I know what my friend was telling me was incredibly sweet and that his intention wa dgi make me feel better and not the other way around. However, his words only unleashed another sound of desperate sobs.

"Why did it take me so long?"

"Kim, we were there as fast as we could. You know it."

"I don't mean just arriving on time. I mean realizing that I needed to take the leap."

"Realizing that he's the love of your life just like you are his?" I nodded against his chest trying not to start crying again. "It happened when it had to happen, Kim."

"But I feel like I've wasted so much time." I took a deep breath and the next part of my sentence came out quietly, mostly because I was ashamed of it. "I haven't told him I love yet."

"Kim, he knows you love him."

"It's not the same. I didn't look him in the eye and told him everything he means to me, to Mak. How important he is and how much I love him. Who does that?" I paused and buried my face just a little deeper into Kevin's chest. I was so afraid of the words that were going to slip out of my lips that I wanted something to cover them, to block them and prevent them from becoming a reality. "And now I may not even get the chance to do it."

"Don't say that. You will get to tell him that and anything else you feel like saying." I felt his hand rubbing my back again. "If anything, he's probably fighting harder just to hear you." he joked trying to lift me up, but I just felt more guilty. "Just have faith. Everything will be alright. It just has to be."

Kevin stayed with me for some more minutes until he had to go pick up Mak and Jordan, leaving me in the hospital room sitting next to him.

I got an update from the doctors, telling me that everything was still the same and that Adam's evolution depended solely on him. They had done everything possible and now we just had to wait.

I had never seen him like this before. Sure there was the OD and that time he got shot but the vest caught it. I remember feeling paralyzed with fear those two times, but this was excruciating. This was much more raw and extreme.

The sight of him asleep on a hospital bed scared the shit out of me and I could only imagine what he must have felt all the time he saw me like that. He was my pillar, my rock in my darkest times and now it was time for me to be the same for him. I had to gather strength from wherever I could find it and be the support he needed, be the extra energy his body needed to heal, be whatever it is he needs right now.

"Hey babe." My index finger lightly stroked his cheek. "I'm right here, just like I promised I would." I got closer to him because I couldn't contain the need of being close to him, feeling the warmth of his body that meant so much right now. As I leant forward my hand, absentmindedly, started to play with his hair in the most tender and loving way possible. "You were right. Richard was going to get Callum, but thanks to you we were able to get there first and both Callum and Samantha are alright. Now that you know that, can you please just focus on getting better. Please wake up so we can go back home to our daughter and just be happy, please."

I just stayed there and watched his still body on the bed. I had faith, I was hopeful, but a part of me was just tumbling down.

The doctors had mentioned that the first night was decisive, that the situation could go anywhere from that point on. If he could just open his eyes and let me know he was ok and then rest for a little longer.

That was all I asked for, but I didn't get it.

Instead I just watched the clock on my phone, waiting for the minutes to pass but it was like time was still.

I had a million messages popping up, all asking me about updates, but i couldn't get myself to answer because the fact that I didn't have any news to give was bad enough to handle by myself to have to repeat it endlessly. I managed to let the team know what was going on and I knew that they would take care of the rest.

The lights around us were beginning to dim, the movement was close to none except for the occasional nurse walking by to check on some other patients.

My hands were running through my face, trying to cope with all the stress and frustration that I was feeling.

Exhaustion was invading my body, my muscles and even my bones were aching, but the discomfort in my gut, the anguish in my chest and the whirlwind of horrible thoughts running free through my mind weren't letting me shift off.

I kept looking at my phone, time was still not moving, and the only thing that gave me comfort was looking through my gallery. All those pictures of him and Mak and even the ones I had taken of him when he wasn't really paying attention. Those moments that he looked so incredibly beautiful that I felt like I needed to capture and cherish forever. I realized that we barely had any pictures together, not recent ones anyway, and that was something that needed to change.

I was determined to keep moving forward and to enjoy every second of life with him. I wasn't going to keep making the same mistake. No. Not anymore.

Thinking about our future, imagining all the things the three of us were going to do once he got out of here seemed to help and little by little I managed to fall asleep.

"When's dad coming home?"

Mak was just as frustrated as I was. Adam was stable but hand waken up yet, and as much as I wanted to stay by his side every waking second, I also needed to be with her, to support her comfort her and to be honest I also needed to look at her to get the extra strength necessary to go through all of this.

Tonight I was staying at home while Kev was spending the night over at med. The doctors had told us that it wasn't necessary, that there was always going to be a nurse or one of the available to assist him, but there was no chance in hell that we were going to leave him alone.

"I wish I had the answer to that, bear."

We were both in our pjs, snuggling on the couch before calling it a night and trying to get some sleep.

"Why is he taking so long to wake up?"

"Because his body is healing, and for that to happen he needs to rest and what better way to rest than a good nap?"

I was trying to be upbeat for her.

"I miss him."

"I miss him, too. Quite a lot in fact."

"Is he gonna be ok?"

What was the best answer to that question? How could I tell my daughter that I had no idea?

"He has to be ok. He's strong and he loves us and he knows that we are right here waiting for him to come back home."

"I wanna go see him."

"Mak…" I started to plead, but changing this girl's mind was a pretty tough mission.

"Please. I know he won't be able to talk to me, but I still want to see him. When you were asleep I wanted to see you too. Is he like you were before?"

"Kind of." I answered as I softly stroke the top of her head. "Sweetheart I don't want you to get scared, that's why I'm waiting for him to wake up to take you."

"It's dad, I won't be scared. He was always there for me and I want to be there for him too."

How could anyone argue against that? My tears sure couldn't, and in the blink of an eye they were rolling down my cheeks again.

"Ok, tomorrow before school we can stop by and say hello to dad. Does that sound good?"

"Perfect."

For the first time since Adam was shot I saw that beautiful, bright and genuine smile plastered on her face.

"Ok, so let's go get some sleep because you're having a big day tomorrow."

We walked together to her room to do bedtime, only tonight Makayla wanted nothing to do with a story. Tonight it was all about making a picture to take to Adam tomorrow.

After we finished, I kissed the top of her head and tucked her in bed and just when I was about to leave the room, her voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Would you stay with me until I fall asleep?"

"Of course bear."

I cuddled her and waited until she fell asleep, only I crashed as well.

I woke up before she did and surprisingly my body didn't hurt like hell just like I thought it would. Turns out some snuggles from my kid was the best medicine I could take right now.

"Look who's here!" Kevin said cheerfully as soon as he saw Mak step in the room. I couldn't help but smile at their bond.

"Hi uncle Kevin."

"Hello Miss Mak." He walked away from Adam's bed to go hug Makayla. "Now tell me, how'd you get your mom to bring you here before school?"

"I just asked nicely." She said putting on an enchanting smile making both Kevin and I smile.

"I see." Atwater nodded. "With those manners it's impossible to say no."

Mak giggled and I just watched them interact, too afraid to ask Kevin anything about Adam in front of her and by that action I knew I was protecting myself as well.

"Good morning Kev." I finally greeted, reaching him to get myself a hug.

"Morning Burge. Everything was fine last night." He told me as if he knew the concerns going on in my head.

"That's good news, right?" Mak inquired.

"It is bear. Come on, let's say hello to Adam before it gets too late."

I placed both my hands on her shoulders as we slowly walked to the bed. I could feel her muscles tense when she saw him there. "It's ok hun."

"Is he in pain?"

"No, that's why he's asleep, remember?"

"Yes, for his body to heal."

"Exactly."

"Do you think he can hear me?" Her big eyes were looking at me, hoping I would say yes.

"I think he can, sweetheart."

She nodded with a smile and shifted her face back to Adam.

"Hey dad."

Kevin was smiling as soon as he heard her pronounce that word. He didn't seem to be surprised and I'm sure that if Adam told him about us he must have told him about Mak calling him dad for the first time. He was thrilled and wouldn't stop talking about it with me, so he probably shared it with everyone he had the chance to.

"Mom let me come and visit you before school.

I really wanted to see you. I can't wait to tell you about all the new stuff I'm learning and go to the ice rink with you so I can show you the new trick Jordan taught me.

I made this picture for you, so you can see it when you wake up and you can think of us and get better very very fast. You can also keep my platypus, it helps me be brave and strong and I think it's gonna help you too." She tucked the stuffed platypus right next to him and placed the drawing on the little table beside his bed. "You take your time to feel better but please wake up, I miss you."

There they were again, the damn tears. I have been such an emotional mess lately.

"Mom misses you, we all miss you and we want you back home. I love you, dad."

She stood there, holding his hand for a few more seconds, turning around to look at me when she was ready.

"That was very sweet of you M." Kevin was quick to fill the silence. "I'm sure that's gonna give you lazy dad the boost he needs to wake up."

"You think?" She asked him full of hope.

"I know." They both smiled and once again I was more than grateful for having this incredible family. "Now what do you say if I drive you to school and your mom can stay here, making sure dad's alright?" Mak nodded smiling and quickly took Kevin's hand.

"You're not going to say goodbye to me?" I asked, pretending to be offended.

"Sorry mom." She came running towards me and I was quick to wrap her between my arms.

"Have a wonderful day, bear. I love you."

"I love you too."

I placed a kiss on her forehead and watched her walk towards her uncle.

"Thanks Kev."

"My pleasure."

The rest of the day was as monotonous as the previous one and the one before.

Adam seemed to be comfortable in his sleep while I was just going crazy.

Trudy had texted me, offering to pick up Makayla from school, watching her for the and then taking her to the zoo the following day since it was a Saturday, she had the day off and was dying to do something fun with Mouch considering all the stuff they had gone through as well.

Mak loved spending time with them. She could surely use the distraction, be a kid and try to stay away from all this drama.

The hours kept passing by and night finally arrived. I was getting used to sleeping in the armchair next to him and as I covered myself with a blanket I looked at him. "Good night, babe. I hope you're having sweet dreams." I took his hand in mine and slowly started to close my eyes.

"Kim?"

I could have sworn I heard my name. I was soft and distant and a clear result of my exhaustion and anxiety playing games with my head.

The slight movement between my fingers made me shoot up like a spring.

His eyes were closed and his fingers were still. Was I really that crazy?

"Babe?" I asked almost in a whisper. "I'm right here by your side, ok?"

There it was again, that soft flinching under the skin of my palm. I couldn't peel my eyes off of him now. I paid close attention to his face and I notices how his eyelids were slowly fluttering open.

"Adam?"

"Hey." His voice was raspy and slow, but it was the best sound I've ever heard.

"Oh my God. Hey." I got up from the chair and walked over to him. "Hi." I didn't think or wait or anything. I just went for it and pecked his lips with mine.

"Hi."

The shy smile appearing on his face was everything to me.

"How do you feel? Do you need anything? I'll go call the doctors."

My nervousness came in the form of an ongoing chatter making him chuckle.

"I'm thirsty."

"Ok, ok. I'll get you some water. I'll be right back ok?"

He nodded before I turned to go look for the nurses and some water for him, but I had to go back to him and press yet another kiss to his lips before I was finally able to leave the room. "I'm so happy you're awake." I cupped his cheek with my hand and when he smiled at me again that was my cue to go.

In a matter of seconds I was back with a nurse, a doctor and a pitcher of water. The nurse handed him a cup and he drank it slowly.

His eyes were roaming the room, as if he was trying to figure out where he was.

"You're in Med." The doctor started speaking in an attempt to soothe his discomfort. "You were shot and lost a lot of blood, so if you feel tired or weak it's completely normal."

Adam nodded as he kept drinking water. "I'm going to examine you real quickly and then I'm going to let you rest so we can run some more tests tomorrow, alright?"

"Yes."

"Everything looks good so far, Adam." The doctor said proudly. "You will probably drift off in a couple of minutes because we gave you some sedatives to help you cope with the pain of the wound. So don't get scared if he falls asleep again." He looked at me when he said that last part. "The nurses will be checking up on him regularly, so both of you try to relax and rest."

"Thanks doc."

Not even half asleep did Adam lose his freshness.

"You're welcome. Call us if you need anything."

They exited the room leaving us alone.

"How are you?"

Yeah, I know the most stupid question I could have asked but it was the first thing that came out of my mouth.

"Good now that I see your face."

"Are you in too much pain?"

"Just a little."

He stretched out his hand very slowly and I was quick to take it. "How's Mak?"

"She's ok. With Trudy and Mouch right now. She stopped by today to say hi and to bring you a picture and her platypus. According to her you needed it more than she did." We both chuckled. "She misses you like crazy." I looked down. "Me too. I missed you so much Adam, I was terrified." A lone tear rolled down my cheek.

"I'm sorry."

"No. I'm the one who's sorry." He looked at me like he had no idea what I was talking about. "I'm sorry I wasted so much time. I'm sorry that I pushed you away for so long. I'm sorry for not acknowledging my feelings earlier, for not being honest with you, for being such a coward."

"Kim, stop."

"No, let me finish. I'm sorry for not saying this before, I love you Adam. So much.

I don't know what I would do without you. I went crazy these days and I don't want to feel like that anymore. I don't want to wait to tell you how important you are to me and how much I love our family, the wonderful father you are to Mak and the most amazing, supportive and loving partner you are to me. I love you."

"I love you, too." He said with the warmest smile. "I would kiss you right now, but I can't really move."

We both chuckled and it was me who closed the space between us and sealed it with a kiss.

We were given yet another chance in life, and this time I was going to take full advantage of it.