I did not fall asleep in the armor closet. I couldn't. It was too unfamiliar a place for my brain to allow itself to shut down. I did, however, settle into a meditative doze. I rehearsed the rest of my plan over and over. I realized I had no way of knowing if I was ever going to be let out of the closet, and rehearsed all kinds of scenarios looking for a way to escape. I couldn't find any. The only way I was going to get out of there was with Jaania's say-so. Had I been sincere enough? I sent loving thoughts her way. Hey, it couldn't hurt.

The guard outside my door changed twice. My leg began to itch fiercely. I took off the bandages and hid them deep within the helmets, not wanting Akanthus to know I was injured. He set off all the instincts that had kept my ancestors away from tigers, and I was more than happy to obey them even if he was technically human. Sometime during the third guard's shift, I heard a familiar voice outside. I grinned. She was there! I restrained the grin and the impulse to hug her by the time the door opened. Jaania stood there, composed as always. "Come out," she ordered. I did as asked. She had me follow her down a hall. "What is your name?" she asked.

"Ama."

"Ama." She stopped. "I need you to tell me the truth."

Something about her voice and body language told me this was a test. I straightened. "I must warn you, there are different levels of truth. The highest level is the truth of who I am. As I said, Who I Am is a person of Love. That means I will not tell you anything that would harm people I care for."

"Hmm." We resumed walking. She led me up onto the deck. I cringed self-consciously, aware that all the soldiers around must be staring at me. She led me to a place at the bow and waved away nearby soldiers, giving us privacy. "What if I presented to you two options: either you tell me something which results in harm to one of your friends, or I hurt another who I hold in captivity? In both cases, you would be hurting someone you care for by your own actions."

"Being faced with a choice like that would make me sick," I admitted. "Based on how I have reacted to inner conflicts before… I think, honestly, I would be paralyzed. I would end up choosing inaction. I don't want to think I would do that, but I would." I grimaced.

"What if you had to choose between your two guiding values? If learning the truth would devastate someone you cared for, would you tell it to them or keep the secret?"

"That's not a choice," I replied. "See, I think…" I had to take time to gather my thoughts. Everything I said to her must be carefully phrased. "I don't think of emotional pain as being inherently bad. If the pain is true, it is a good pain. If the pain is a lie, then it is bad. That is, you see, I… I think of Truth and Love as being the same thing. If you love someone, you tell them the truth. No matter what."

"Even if the truth is so terrible it makes them wish they were dead?"

"Like I said, the highest truth is always the truth of Who I Am. A lower level truth might make them wish they were dead, but the highest possible level of truth is that I love them. And higher levels override lower levels, eventually. If I thought there was a serious risk that the person would commit suicide before they had time to digest that fact, then I would delay telling them until I'd removed all weapons and poisons from the vicinity, for practical reasons. But I still would. I'd have to. The knowledge that I was keeping an important secret would eat at me. And if it was really important enough to make them feel that bad, the eating would be so intense that I couldn't ignore it. I can lie about lesser stuff. But past a certain point, it's just way too difficult for me to successfully pull off."

"So all this fancy talk of values and love is really just a smokescreen for your own incapabilities."

I waved my hands and made some inarticulate sounds. "Well, yes! How crazy would I be to expect something of myself that I can't do? How cruel would I be being to myself if I did that? That just won't work."

"You don't want to make any effort to improve."

"If improving falls under the category of things I am capable of doing, then yes, I do," I snapped. Oh no. I couldn't snap. I needed to be kind to her. I needed to give her someone to trust who wasn't Akanthus. I took a deep breath. "I have in the past yelled at myself and told myself to be more consistent with my goals already. It didn't work. I have told myself sternly to remember important things all on my own, without reminders. It didn't work. I have literally sat in front of a game, with a clock within view, glancing at it every few seconds, constantly aware that I had passed some point at which I wanted to go do something else, constantly thinking 'I should go do that something else. I just need to stop what I'm doing now. I just need to press the red X. Just press it already.' And I don't press it. I don't know why I don't press it, but the fact is that I don't. The solid, proven, established facts are that yelling at myself to do things does not work. What does work is outside reinforcement. Having someone else remind me of things. Setting an alarm to interrupt the game. Improving my own inner inherent brain-capabilities does not fall under the category of things I am capable of doing!"

"You're very angry at me," she observed.

"Well -"

"Do you want to hurt me?"

"No, I want to find someplace quiet and cry. Because I've been told all my life that my lack of ability isn't real, to just try harder, and denied help when I needed help. Hearing things that remind me of that fact doesn't make me angry so much as it hurts." My voice cracked. I hoped nobody nearby could tell that I was crying. I didn't sob aloud, but tears rolled down my cheeks.

Jaania said nothing for several minutes. That was kind of her. Eventually, she said, "Your idea of Love includes showing love to yourself. What if you had to choose between hurting yourself and hurting another?"

"I don't know," I squeaked. "I don't know what fear will do to my mind in the moment. I actually faced this question very recently and didn't even realize that I had instantly chosen to hurt him in order to protect myself until, like, an hour after I'd done it. I can't always live up to my values. I'm not perfect." I sniffled. "I… I'll try not to berate myself for being imperfect. But I probably won't succeed." More tears came. I was such a failure. What was I doing, pretending to be some paragon of virtue? It was all fake. I felt like a liar. I wished I could teleport away to somewhere private. Probably every soldier on deck could see me breaking down in tears from nothing more than a conversation. What a child I was.

The only thing that could have made the moment worse was if Akanthus suddenly showed up. Guess what happened next. His ominous presence right behind me made me feel like I was about to be executed for my failures. "Why has the enemy agent been allowed to wander freely?" he asked.

"She has not been allowed to 'wander,'" Jaania replied. "I have kept her with me this whole time. I've been testing her principles. She is sincere."

"The principles of an enemy agent are of no concern. The mission is of greater importance."

"You're right, of course," Jaania replied. "But we won't reach the Fissure instantly. I have time to satisfy my curiosity."

"Did you not assign me to watch over her?" Akanthus asked. "Do you not trust me to correctly judge how much of a threat she may pose?"

"I do," Jaania whispered.

"She told you herself that she seeks to wield words as her weapon. I believe that you should not allow her to speak to you. It is too dangerous."

"I am not some weak-minded puppet to be swayed by the latest pretty words," Jaania argued. "As I trust your judgment, so you must also trust mine."

"All the same -"

"Akanthus -"

"Do you not see how she has already provoked discord between us?"

My internal organs flinched. He'd figured out my plan. Worse, he was just as good with his words as Jaania, and he had a firmer foundation. I was doomed. Doomed, doomed, doomed. "I hate it when people argue," I whimpered. "Just lock me in the closet again if it will make this stop."

After a pause, Jaania said, "Akanthus."

"Of course, my lady." He grabbed my arm. I flinched reflexively. He was going to kill me! But I had no choice but to follow. I didn't care if anyone saw me anymore. Fear, sadness and shame were wreaking too much havoc inside for me to care about a little bit of embarrassment. I stumbled after him, his cold hand always firmly around my arm, expecting that at any moment he was going to kill me.

He did not. He threw me back in the closet, locked the door and grabbed someone to serve as a guard. He told them that if I escaped, the guard's family would receive a very distressing letter. He needn't have bothered. I knew one thing for sure: if I so much as touched the closet door, gave Akanthus any excuse at all to kill me, he would. The only way to survive was to stay inside, keep my mouth shut, and try nothing.

.

Thankfully, I kept receiving food and water. Jaania was involved enough to keep him from starving me into desperation. Aside from that, I knew nothing of what she thought. Once the meltdown wore off, what upset me the most was the thought that she might have returned to thinking I only wanted to use her. I didn't want her to think of me as a manipulator. I wasn't one. I really did care. But how could I possibly convince her? How, with Akanthus always there to shout me down?

I entered a full-blown depressive phase. Over and over I reflected upon my failings. I cried often. I felt truly horrible, and low, and sorry for myself. I wished that someone could come to comfort me. If only Warlic could have teleported to my location to give me a hug. On second thought, no. I didn't want to see his hopes crushed when he learned that I could do nothing, absolutely nothing, to change Jaania's mind. She really was too far gone. I shivered, feeling sick and not knowing why. Was it because I was lying to myself? Was I coming down with something? Maybe it was just a natural response to my circumstances. On one trip to the bathroom, the guard asked me if I felt alright. I didn't respond. But it did occur to me that the past several guards I'd had treated me with a certain gentleness when they gave me food or took me to the bathroom. They could probably hear my crying. It wasn't like they had anything better to pay attention to.

They must have said something to Jaania, causing her to take pity on me. That was the only possible reason why once again, the door opened to reveal her standing there. I looked up at her briefly, then lowered my head. I didn't dare ask her for a comforting hug, though I wanted it more than anything in the world. "Ama," she whispered. I looked up a little. "Come out."

I did as asked. It was difficult to get to my feet; every joint in my body was stiff. I fell down once. When I finally stood upright, my knees and back protested forcefully. I ignored them. I wasn't feeling very charitable to myself. So my back was stiff. So what? As if I cared what my back thought. It was hard to care about anything anymore. I followed her away. I didn't care where she was taking me. I only hoped Akanthus wouldn't be there. She took me up to the bow again. I was surprised to find it was nighttime. What was she doing staying up late?

"How are you feeling?" she asked me. I shrugged. She repeated her question, harder. A shrug was not going to suffice.

"I don't care," I replied, sounding bitter. "Terrible, I guess. What do you expect? I've been locked in a closet for who knows how long." I glared out at the dark sky.

"Only two and a half days," she replied softly. "Is two and a half days of captivity enough to break your conviction in Love?"

I laughed mirthlessly. "Seriously? Two and a half days of being locked in a tiny closet is stressful as heck, and that's going to affect my body and mind. Expecting anything else would be crazy."

"Do you want to hurt Akanthus for locking you in there?"

"No. I just never want to see him ever again."

"So, your current bitterness is nothing more than a manifestation of the suffering you've been through? A form of truth-telling?"

I nodded. A brief spark of hope flared to life before being crushed. No. I couldn't possibly succeed. She was only taking pity on me. He would come back again and kill me. I should have stayed in the closet.

"Don't worry," she told me. "It won't last much longer. Tomorrow, I think, we will land to let you off."

I wanted to reply, but couldn't. Part of me thought that sounded like a great idea. Another part refused to be separated from her. I could only shrug.

"Tomorrow will be a difficult day," she told me. "We will leave Kaer Sierra and enter the lands around the Fissure. Rose forces are already stationed there to smooth our way, but even so, I expect resistance. Your friends will attempt to shoot down this airship, with you on it." She glanced at me. My face wasn't showing any emotion at that moment. "They won't succeed, of course. We'll make it through. I have a landing spot prepared. Any non-critical personnel who wish to live will be let off. That includes you."

I sniffled. I still wanted to say something, but couldn't. A glass wall had come down inside. Parts of me must have been warring with each other, but I couldn't feel it. I had no idea which way the battle was going. I just knew that my stomach was upset. "I have something to say, but I can't say it," I told her. "I can't…" But I wanted to. I sensed that it was critically important. Just when I needed words the most, they had deserted me. I knew I couldn't even have written down my thoughts. The chaos inside was too strong. I waved my hands, looking and sounding agitated.

Jaania chuckled. "I think Akanthus is getting a touch paranoid about you."

I whined. What did I want to say? What? No words were coming at all. My mouth couldn't make the required movements. My vocal cords were paralyzed. I started to cry again. I was such a failure. Failure, failure, failure.

"Working yourself into a panic won't help," she told me.

She was right, but I couldn't do as she asked. I couldn't stop. I always did all the wrong things. Failure, failure, failure. Desperation made me crazy. I stepped away from her side, then turned toward her. I raised a shaking hand. I pointed at my mouth, then slashed the air to say No. I pointed to my heart, then to her, and waved my hand through the air between us.

"Alright," she murmured, sounding doubtful.

I lunged forward and hugged her. She froze. I sobbed. I hadn't won her over. I hadn't changed her mind. I hadn't done anything about Akanthus. I had failed. I let go of her and stepped back, away from that awful stiffness in her body. I turned away and made sounds that hopefully sounded apologetic.

Some time passed before she spoke again. "You never should have come here, Ama. You're only a child. You're in over your head. Warlic and Amadeus were wrong to drag you in. They placed too great a burden on you." I turned back and frantically shook my head, but I received no sign that she believed me. "Come on." She touched my elbow and led me back down to the closet. "Try to get some rest."

I buried my face in my knees as the door closed. She told the guard outside not to report anything to Akanthus. I barely heard it over the blood roaring in my ears and the aching of my sinuses. I felt awful. I thought that perhaps she was right. I shouldn't have tried. I shouldn't have believed in myself. I should have stayed at the inn, or better yet, stayed with Hermit Murray doing house chores. Because that was all I was good for. I was such a naive child.

I drifted in and out of sleep, unable to tell dreaming from waking. I did not get any rest.

.

I lay on my side, right temple pressed against the floor, and wished I hadn't gone after the ship. My heart ached. I waited to feel the ship shudder from attack.

Eventually, it did. A lot of feet pounded outside. Many worried words were exchanged. I heard the guard outside my door leave their post. I didn't move. Outside the door, Akanthus awaited, and he would kill me. I listened to the ship as it creaked.

My eyes flew open as I heard familiar heavy footsteps. Akanthus wrenched the door open. I tried to sit up, but before I could even unwrap my arms from my knees he had reached down with both hands and grabbed my shoulders. I cried out in pain as he lifted me up. He kept one hand around my left shoulder, dragging me behind him, threatening to tear my arm off. A burst of adrenaline surged through my system, clearing my sinuses. By the time he hauled me up on deck, despite the agony in my shoulder, I felt better than I had since entering the closet the first time.

"Ama, coordinate with Akanthus on defense," Jaania snapped. "I'll meet with the gnomes. This shouldn't be happening." She darted below deck. I saw that the shields had fallen. Soldiers on deck already had injuries from magical blasts. I ran to the side of the ship. I saw a bright light just as a magical blast hit me. I blinked my eyes. Hair all over my body stood on end from static.

The scene below was chaos. Rose soldiers warred with other beings, while mages from the Magisterium shot bolts at us. I took a deep breath, feeling oddly calm. Akanthus shoved me toward the rear of the ship. After recovering my balance, I went there and blocked one or two more magic bolts. They were coming from below, so there wasn't much I could do to block them. I didn't wonder why I was brought out. I didn't wonder anything. I just did as I had been told.

There was a screech and a roar. I ran to the front of the ship to see a massive dragon flying directly toward us. Rose soldiers fled the deck, diving below. Akanthus took over the ship's wheel. Just then, the shields came back up. The dragon's first attack was blocked. But how many more could the shield take before it failed again?

Jaania came back on deck. "Something's wrong with the ship's power source. The gnomes were suspicious before, but now they're sure. Power was diverted unexpectedly to the artillery system, weakening the shield. Akanthus, I believe you were in charge of overseeing the airship's progress while I prepared to end magic."

Akanthus looked away. "Something, or someone, must have slipped past me. I do not know how."

"Well, root them out," Jaania told him. "The sudden change doesn't seem like something that could have been programmed. The saboteur must still be onboard. Find them."

Akanthus, for once, did not protest leaving her alone with me. He did shoot me what was surely a vicious glare as he headed below. My heart pounded. Yix was visibly different from all the other potatoes. Akanthus would surely find him, and…mash him. Poor, poor Yix.

The dragon came back around. The shield took one more blast. A second. A third. The whole time, the ship's weapons fired at it. The dragon was hit several times. But, being the Hero's dragon, it was powerful enough to take some damage. Even with the overpowered weapons, the dragon attacked the ship five more times in total before it was forced to retreat. Then the bombardment from the mages on the ground resumed. It seemed much sparser than before. "Ama, check on the battlefield below," Jaania ordered.

I leaned over the side to look. "The Rose is forcing the Magisterium into a retreat. It doesn't look like a very large amount of them are dead; just retreating. I don't see the dragon anywhere. The Hero's probably retreating too."

"Good," Jaania said. Her voice was as cold as ice. "Hesperrhodos, tell the soldiers inside that it's safe to return to deck." Her SoulAlly - or perhaps SoulTool would be a better word, since he seemed to be an automaton incapable of opinions - disappeared. As soon as soldiers returned to the deck and resumed their former positions, Jaania told me to stay with them. She sounded angry at me, a cold, sharp, icy anger. I did as ordered and tried to put together a script in my mind for her inevitable questions about Yix.

She brought me below deck an eternity later. The chosen room was different this time. It had a formal-looking desk in it, and lots of papers and books. It must have been her office. She dragged her chair out from behind the desk and made me sit in it while she remained standing. "Did you know about this saboteur?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Did you aid them in any way?"

"No."

"Did you ever consider that the saboteur, if successful in their sabotage, would bring an end to their own life as well as everyone else's onboard? Given a choice between their death and their death plus everyone else's, Love should have shown you the correct choice immediately."

"Choosing to reveal his presence is his own choice, his own truth. Ratting him out would have just been me inflicting stuff on him, and not being very truthful or loving to myself in the process. I didn't think he would do anything major. I didn't expect this. And, uh… He's so entirely separate from me, like, not part of what I'm doing at all, totally separate intentions, that, that, y'know, it would be, it would be, uh, inappropriate to interfere with him. Just not my business."

My heart pounded. I couldn't stand to look anywhere near her, see her anger and disapproval. I didn't feel like I'd done anything wrong, but her anger could scare me into thinking I had. Jaania stepped closer, forcing me to look down into my own lap to avoid seeing her. She put a hand under my chin and lifted my head up. I was forced to close my eyes. "Look at me," she demanded.

"I will not be able to speak if I do," I gasped.

"Hmph. Fine." She dug her fingers into my chin. "Tell me the truth. Are there any more saboteurs onboard?"

"No," I gasped.

"None whatsoever?"

"When Akanthus comes back, you'll know how he managed to sneak in. Nobody else in the world can do it. Ow."

"Are you a saboteur, Ama?"

"No. I didn't say it aloud, but in my actions I promised to support you no matter what. I won't take your choices from you. Since I can't always speak in words, I consider my actions to be just as binding." I swallowed, grimacing at the feeling of her knuckles digging into my trachea. It made me feel like I was in danger of choking.

She let go, allowing me to cough and gasp and shield my throat with one hand. "You have promised not to stop me from ending magic?" Her voice had thawed.

I nodded. "I love magic, but… But betrayal would be the highest violation of both Truth and Love. I couldn't do that to you."

"You're leaving something out," she said. "I understand that you can't break either your words or your…heart-words. But what made you promise that in the first place?"

I wrinkled my brow in confusion. "Isn't it obvious? What else could I possibly do?"

There was a long, long pause. I wracked my brain for alternatives to promising her my unwavering support. I couldn't think of any. There truly was no other possible path. What could she be asking about?

"You love me," she murmured. "And not in the abstract way that you characterize your values. You came here in order to be near me and win my trust, perhaps even earn some measure of affection."

My heart pounded. "When Warlic described how you didn't trust him or anybody, it reminded me of my own trust issues. And we both use words, or try to. And you're so much better at it than I am. Strong, and coherent, and… I admire you. So, so much."

"I admire you too," she told me. I stopped breathing. "For your courage, if nothing else. Sadly, that is why I have to leave you behind when we land. You deserve better than an untimely death at the hands of Magisterium golems." She turned away just as I shook my head. "It will only be a few hours. Until then, I believe Akanthus will want you back in your closet. I'll ask him to be gentle when he takes you there."

My earlier conviction that she was right and I should have stayed out of the business of heroes seemed to me like nothing more than an illusion woven by depression. The exciting battle had restored my courage. But I could not put words to what I felt inside. I wasn't knocked mute; I just couldn't find a way to describe the intensity and depth of what I felt, the wrongness of staying behind. Without pencil and paper, I couldn't compose the poetry required. Akanthus returned before I could compose even a single word. He held some wires in one enormous armored hand. "There was a potato linked to the power supply. It screamed when I destroyed it."

"The saboteur was a living potato?" Jaania sounded ready to laugh. "Take Ama back to her closet. Gently. Then, before we land, I suppose you should…search the rest of our food supply." She chuckled. Then she sobered. "Speaking of living food, where did you put that sandwich?"

"All of the things the enemy spy brought with her are kept inside a forcefield inside a reinforced cage," Akanthus answered. "The sandwich has not escaped. It seems to have no mind of its own. It's enchanted, not alive."

"Good." Jaania waved a hand. Akanthus grabbed my upper arm with slightly less force than normal. His armored fingers still dug in painfully as he led me back to the closet. He threw me in and shut the door. Just before the door shut and left me in darkness, I saw that a number of helmets were missing. I dimly remembered a dream from the night before of being gently lifted and moved, one body part at a time. Not a dream apparently. That explained how I'd found space to lie down. I lay down again and wished I had paper. I needed to figure out a way to convince Jaania to let me stay. I couldn't give up yet.

.

Several hours later, Jaania and Akanthus let me out of the closet together. I stretched my sore body, then followed them away. The airship was tethered to a glowing spire of rock. The ground was cleared and a great amount of Rose soldiers surrounded us, all on alert. A rope ladder allowed us to descend. The soldiers on duty saluted Jaania. The other soldiers from the ship and a dozen gnomes stood in loose formation, awaiting orders. I stood to the side of the soldiers, as Jaania indicated. She held herself straight, head up, entirely composed, looking like a queen. Akanthus held himself similarly, slightly behind her and to her right. She swept her gaze over everyone before speaking. "I have gathered you all on solid land to grant you a chance at survival. When the airship takes off again, it will proceed directly to the Fissure. We will encounter fierce resistance on the way, and once at the Fissure, we will have to battle our way through possibly the fiercest resistance yet. The Magisterium will stop at nothing to prevent me from accomplishing my goal. I require a force composed of those whose loyalty is unquestionable, whose minds are free of doubt, whose hearts are unclouded by memories of loved ones or unfulfilled dreams. In short, I want only those who are prepared to give their lives. It is very likely that you will."

She gave us all a full minute to make our decisions. The soldiers from the ship looked torn. The gnomes, surprisingly, looked less so. Maybe gnomes were less prone to doubt than humans were. Other soldiers around us also seemed to be thinking. "Anyone who will join me, step forward," Jaania ordered. Half the soldiers from the ship did so without hesitation. Many of the soldiers around us did likewise. All of the gnomes did.

And so did I.

"Ama, no," Jaania snapped. "You are not accompanying me to the Fissure. You are a small, untrained, defenseless child. You are staying here."

With everyone's eyes on me, and her words sounding so final, and her looking just like a queen, I couldn't challenge her. Not out loud. But I had foreseen that and prepared for it. I raised a hand. I pointed to my heart and traced a finger outwards from it. I did the same to my stomach, then to my head. Finally, I tapped my ear. My heart speaks. My soul speaks. My mind speaks. I listen.

"I won't have the death of a child on my conscience."

"Then let me come, 'cause that's guaranteed if I stay," I said. My voice squeaked and cracked. I blushed.

"Just the opposite."

"You sure? You know what lower levels do to me. What would the highest possible level do?"

Akanthus glanced at her. He didn't know what we were talking about. Despite all the people listening, we were having a private conversation. Jaania raised an eyebrow. "Preservation?"

"Fear. Plus everything you just said." I did not want to be a helpless and naive child. I did not want to let Amadeus and everyone else who'd ever said such things about me be right. Giving in, letting them be right, would be a lie about Who I Was. The greatest lie possible. If I told it, I would forever, or at least for a very long time, be a shell of my former self. The walking dead. As much as I feared Akanthus, feared dying physically, I feared dying inside even more. Everything inside me urged me forward. Even if she shut my words down, I would climb the rope ladder after her.

An eerie silence settled over the guarded clearing. I could feel everyone's eyes darting between me and her. I gulped. Jaania showed no sign of being bothered. She sighed. "Fine," she said in a cold voice. "Let that be your own choice." To everyone else, she surely sounded like she was condemning me for being stupid and absolving herself of all guilt for my inevitable demise. I had to suppress a smile. To me, it sounded like she was granting me the greatest show of Love that anyone could grant anyone else: the freedom to express my highest level of truth.

Nobody said a single word as the volunteers boarded the ship. I heard some attempts to whisper that were quickly shut down. I avoided looking at anybody. My whole body filled with chaos as I boarded. I knew the slightest thing would push me into a fear-filled meltdown. I only hoped for the ship to be underway by the time it happened.

By the time the ship set sail, I was shaking badly enough for someone nearby to notice. "Are you…alright?" he asked. He sounded like he didn't know whether he was authorized to speak to me.

"I'm okay," I muttered back. "Just… Just channeling too much." I believed emotions to be a form of energy, their expression the result of reality itself flowing through me. I was too directly in contact with reality, processing too many Big Questions, too aware of the consequences of each and every one of my actions. It was all too serious. Too…real. When this was all over, I was going to be in a depression for months. I was shorting out like an overloaded light bulb.

The soldier left. He returned several minutes later to tell me that I had permission to sleep in the crew quarters. I mumbled a request for him to show me the way. I didn't talk to him on the way down. I collapsed into a bed, pulled my feet up and lay there shivering. I wasn't aware of him leaving.