?

"Hello."

Mom, please, I don't feel like getting up, it's summer-

"I'm definitely not your mom. Also, there isn't really a sense of time here, so technically it can't be summer."

I open my eyes.

I'm not on a bed. And this black void, full of far-off stars definitely ain't my room. And- oh. Pretty woman. She's a good bit shorter than me, so it might be a young girl. Green hair, which appears to be natural, given her eyebrows. She was wearing a tracksuit, fake cat ears and… what?

"I'm non-binary, but thanks for the compliment!"

"…You have a star in each of your eyes like this is Oshi no Ko."

"Oh, that's because I'm your power and powers are weird. Also, I'm technically a newborn."

… Now I'm even more confused.

"Okay! So! You died."

…Oh my god. I've been isekaid.

"You are about to be isekaid."

"Wait, how the fuck did I die?"

"Truck-kun. Maybe you shouldn't have gone out late at night while wearing dark colours?"

… how the hell did WAIT. YOU CAN READ MY MIND!?

The girl smirked. Oh hell no.

Uh… oh! That Hollow-Knight SI had this protagonist kick out the Radiance by thinking about disgusting porn! Lemme ju-

The smug face widened into terror.

"WAIT WAIT WAIT PLEASE NO. THIS ISN'T' A CHOICE, I'M LITERALLY STUCK INSIDE YOUR HEAD, PLEASE DON'T!"

My one (of many) weakness. Cute, distressed women, who make it easy for me to help them.

The girl backs up, her face widened in disgust.

… oh. That sounded very wrong. Give me a break it's 1 am, and I wanna go to bed.

"Just… explain everything."

"Oh come on, nerd. You know the deal by now. A ROB interferes, gives you powers, drops you into some random world you know of, tells you to be entertaining."

Well somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed today.

"I told you time isn't a thing here!"

"And I told you to stop reading my mind, but you aren't doing that are you?"

I sigh.

"Look, can you at least tell me what my powers are… besides you?"

Tracksuit girl snaps her fingers. A screen appears, with a single sentence.

Welcome to Big 4 Gacha!

Oh fuck.

"To be fair, the odds are pretty generous, but yeah. The boss was snickering when she made this system for you."

Fine, okay, whatever. First, my power is called Big 4 Gacha, so what can I pull? Secondly, what world am I being dumped into?

"Big 4 as in the Big Four Sports."

Wait like NHL, NFL, NBA, or MLB?

"Yup."

So the Big Four Sports, which are North America's (and by N.A., I mean Canada and the USA, none of the leagues have bothered expanding into Mexico) four most significant sports leagues.

From least to most popular in the United States: the National Hockey League, Major League Baseball, National Basketball Association, NFL (American Football).

Generally, we Canadians prefer hockey more because we grew up playing it, but most viewers of the leagues are American, so fuck us, I guess?

Anyways, that's great. I'm a huge sports fan; frankly, this already sounds like a cool power!

"Thanks!"

Apart from the fact it makes no sense! How the fuck do I get powers from normal athletes, who are pretty much human?

Well, okay I have doubts about a few of them being human (cough Tom Brady's immortal ass, cough), but you get my point.

I don't care that he's retired the only way he could have played for that long is that he is an actual vampire sucking the life out of his backups.

"Ugh… Okay. You know TYPE-MOON right?"

Mostly just the Fate franchise, and even then, I am a complete casual.

"That's fine. You know how in real life, King Arthur was a boy, and Excalibur didn't shoot city-killing laser beams?"

I took 20th-century world history, so I'm not sure, but I assume so.

"Great. Apply that concept to athletes; the system gives you a romanticized version of the athlete as if the athlete was actually a superhero."

"When you pull and get a new athlete, you get a power that would make sense for that athlete to get," she continued.

"For instance, if you were to pull Michael Jordan, you would gain a power that gives you flight, due to Jordan's aerial gifts."

I mean, it makes more sense now, but I'm still a little lost.

"Fuck it. I'm giving you 3 pulls, then dropping you in Worm."

"That's nic- PARDON?"

"I'm giving you 3 pu-"

"No, the other part."

"…Dropping you in Worm?"

Motherfucker.

"Dude, as long as you get lucky, you are guaranteed to be able to kill Mr. Oscar, and fulfill the rest of your task list easily."

Task list?

"SHUT UP AND JUST GACHA!" she all but screams while flinging the screen toward my face.

But I didn't say any- whatever.

The starting sentence disappears and is replaced by six buttons with labels.

Aside from the one that says Gacha, in a bright rainbow colour, all others are greyed out, with a lock appearing on each of the buttons.

Meh. I'll unlock those at some point later.

"Smart boy."

Stop reading m- I give up. Hopefully, there's an "options" section that lets me edit the personality of my assistant- that is what you are right?

"Smart boy! Also spoiler; no. There isn't."

Ugh. I'm drowning my sorrows in gacha.

I click on the listed tab, and a wheel appears out of thin air.

There were 100 different sections.

The majority of them were listed as "1-Star", a simple forest green colour.

A minority were "2-Star" which was sky blue.

Six portions of the wheel were listed as "3-Star" a regal purple, with white borders.

Finally, 3 sections had a simple "?", with a black background and gold outlines.

I grasp onto the wheel, exhale, and spin.

The wheel spins, spins, and spins, before slowing down… and landing on a 1 star. Yay.

A card pack appears, with two players on it. Tony Kukoc, a member of the Chicago Bulls, in a shooting position, and Nazem Kadri, wearing his Colorado Avalanche jersey, lifted the cup of one Lord Stanely of Preston. One logo in the center covered up some of the two players posing, clearly labelled "ROLE PLAYERS".

The pack rips itself apart, and a card flashes in front of me, and the first thing I notice is the Golden State Warriors jersey, and a number 3.

Jordan Poole

Ladykiller

Huh?

I tap on the "Ladykiller".

Ladykiller

When in the presence of an attractive woman, your overall strength increases by 10%. This effect stacks up to 10 times and scales off of your base state, meaning at max effect, you have a 100% increase in strength. Also gives you a high charisma level with women.

"Uh.. wait, do you have a name?" I ask my new powers assistant.

"Sino."

"Like, casino? Gambling den?"

"Yup."

"Cool. Next up: what the fuck? What kinda powers are these supposed to be?"

"I didn't make this damn system, the boss did!"

I snicker. The boss has a pretty good sense of humour, and if Worm followed the rule of superheroes being inhumanely attractive, then Endbringer fights could result in me being at double my base state.

I spin the wheel again.

But… this time… something is up.

The wheel starts to flicker and all of a sudden, all 1-Star sections are replaced by 2-Star ones, which I land on.

Another card pack appears. This one has Vlad Guerro Junior, right after a swing, and Julian Edelman, diving for a football- wait a minute.

That is Edelman's Superbowl 51 catch, isn't it? OH MY GOD. If the person who made this pack is a god, that means god really does hate the Falcons!

Anyway, the pack logo now says "SUPERSTARS".

The top is ripped off, and a stylized card appears in front of me, this time having a cover too bright to properly perceive.

Finally, the light dimmed down, and my jaw hit the damn floor.

The card itself was animated, with a sleek red and gold sports car racing forward.

The car drifted towards me, highlighting the stylized "49ers" font on its door, indicating that the player was a member of the San Francisco American football team.

The transformation then occurred. The front wheels became accessories for the arms, and the rear wheels became its legs. The hood of the car became its chest, which showed off the number "23".

It was a goddamn Transformer.

I caught a glimpse of the spoiler, or more accurately, the top of the spoiler which gave me the name of my pull.

The card then showed me my reward.

Christian McCaffery

Two-Way Dynamo

Poke.

Two-Way Dynamo

Allows you to transform into a Cybertronian, from the planet Cybertron. The alternate form cannot be larger than 196.8 inches and must be a land-based vehicle. Can convert between human, base form and alternate form at will.

Sino was gaping.

"How the fuck did you get access to the premium board?"

"I guess the boss appreciated me appreciating her sense of humour?" I guess, as I move to spin the wheel again.

The wheel had reset to the mostly 1-Star board. However, I suppose the Gacha gods had taken pity on me because I drew another 2-Star character. Yes!

A pack is ripped. A card flies out, too bright to comprehend.

This time, when the light faded away, the card revealed a soaring fighter jet, in colours that all Vancouver Canucks fans were intimately familiar with. The black aviation craft was streaking across the sky, leaving a red and yellow trail in its wake. It also transformed, to reveal a flying skate on its chest and a number 10 on its back.

Pavel Bure

Russian Rocket

And?

Russian Rocket

Gain a second alt-form, which must be a Russian military plane. Also gains flight while in base form, via a jetpack.

"What?"

Sino laughed. "Did you really expect your powers to work independently of each other? That would be shit game design."

… huh. Cool.

"Also! Don't forget to take this!"

Blank

You're going to Worm, and you don't have a way to not get shot in the head instantly by a scary fedora lady. So here's a freebie! It blocks all Thinker powers; Path to Victory to Negotiator!

"Thanks, Sino!"

"Not me."

"Huh?"

She pointed up. Oh. Thanks, Boss!

Sino then clapped her hands.

"Alrighty! Now, I need to organize your base and assemble your task list. I'll give you three full days to play around in Worm before I call you back for more info."

"You get more pulls depending on the parahumans you defeat and befriend, and can also get pulls by completing achievements. Have fun!"

"Wait GIMME A SECON-"

I blink.

When my eyes open, I'm standing on a run-down street that looks like the world's least cared-about Chinatown. Like, I think every other building I see has some sort of graffiti on it.

To make matters worse, a growing dragon is starting to make his way up a building with a healthy concentration of bugs on its top. At least I know where I am in the timeline.

…I could leave. And leave Taylor Hebert at the mercy of fate, possibly ruining her chances at a much better life.

This would also cause me to butt heads against the Queen of Escalation, given that I would like to be a hero, and if I don't interfere, I'm basically letting her be a villain.

Also, it's really fucking rude to just leave a pretty girl at the whims of a cape whose power is the Hulk plus Ddraig minus 97% of the total power.

I activate my own power and feel a prickling sensation, and in a literal flash, I'm replaced with a Cybertonian.

No seriously, a bright light, and bam. Transformer.

I use my jetpack, gained from my Bure pull and rise to meet Lung at the top of the building, where I morphed my right hand into a cannon.

I reach the rooftop, with a defiant Skitter facing off against Lung, who had ramped up to the size of an SUV.

I fly to the top of the roof behind Skitter and aim my hand cannon (wait, isn't th-) at Lung. Hover mode online.

I always wanted to quote Optimus Prime.

"STAND DOWN!"

Lung flinched as if just noticing me for the first time. Didn't this asshole have superhearing?

"I won't ask a second time."

AN: Every time there is a Gacha pull, I'll list my thought process behind the powers.

For Jordan Poole: NBA Point Guard for the Washington Wizards. There was a viral meme of him seeing some girls courtside during an NBA game and then turning into a hybrid of Steph Curry and Michael Jordan, which is why I had the power scaling via girls. Also, it was kinda funny to have a gag power.

For Christian McCaffery: NFL Running Back/Half-Back for the San Fransico 49ers. Known for being a 2-way threat- being able to both run with the football and catch it. One of only 3 players in NFL history to be part of the 1K1K club; 1 thousand yards rushing, and 1 thousand yards receiving. The versatility translates to a Cybertronian, a being whose abilities allow it to assume a form that is optimal for its situation. Also, I just watched Rise of the Beasts, it was on my mind, OK?

For Pavel Bure: Former NHL Winger for the Vancouver Canucks, and Florida Panthers. Known for his speed and explosiveness while skating and writers likened him to a rocket. Thus, the nickname, the Russian Rocket was born. I was lazy so I just gave myself a new alt-form.

For the record, the rarity and league the players belong to are randomized, but specific players are not. Sort of. I use ChatGPT as a random player generator when I can't think of anybody. Bure was a GPT guy. The other two I thought of when doing this list.

Also; I wanted another 2-Star, so I wrote a free pull 2-Star into my script. All good Gachas give you a decent character, before pushing you off a cliff into Gacha hell!

Sorry for mentioning 28-3 Atlanta. Please, offer your prayers to your nearest Falcons fan. As a young Titans fan, I didn't experience One Yard Short, but painful Super Bowl losses are something we share.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, search "NFL Films Superbowl 51", and watch the first video that pops up. Pretty retrospective about what the hell went wrong (or right).

Wow. I'm doing this in google docs, and this AN is nearly a full page of stuff.