Lehn is not dead. He is not dead. He tells this to himself again, and again, and again, until he's sure he can believe it. He focuses on his breathing (the breath of a very alive person), and the way his stomach aches (as the stomach of a very alive - and very hungry - person does). He Speaks every night to Rihamon (just as a very alive person does), and every morning, and sometimes in the afternoon, too. He also talks to Lesong every day, and he mostly responds, which he wouldn't do if Lehn was just a figment of his imagination.
Still. He feels like a corpse. He hasn't seen the sun in a long time, or even felt the wind pass by him, much less mess with his hair. He hasn't seen rain. He's barely seen any light at all.
Of course, he's not complaining. He knows the family that took him in is sacrificing more than anyone else he's ever met. If they're caught, not only will Lehn and Lesong probably be brutally murdered, but they'll be guilty, too. For holding a Riha. Which, for the record, is not what people who Acknowledge Rihamon want to be called, but that doesn't really matter to anyone.
And it's interesting, because Lehn knows that they don't love being called Riha, and he knows that it's not bad to be part of a religion, but every day it feels harder and harder. Like, he knows that the clouds will pass, and after he lets his emotions out and lets them go he just needs to press forward until the sun finally breaks through, which it will. But he's getting tired.
Where is Rihamon? Obviously, he's just an observer. He watches, and those who follow his teachings are more likely to find peace in this life. But. But. Lehn's not finding peace.
And he tries not to think about it because he knows it's wrong, but it's hard, and he's not being answered at all, and he can't see, and he's cold, and what else is he going to think about?
He wants to find peace. He wants the promised wind on his shoulders proving that someday the metaphorical clouds will move, too, and he wants to see the sun, proving that light will come in all forms. He wants to - (he wants his dad - ) he wants to - he wants to -
Lesong asks him if he wants to Speak with him, because he's not saying anything, and he agrees. It was silly of him to let it get so late. So he Speaks, and says he's grateful to be alive like always, and he is, he is, but it hurts so much to be alive. No one had told him when he chose to live that he'd have to go through this. He knows that, because he'd never have come.
He's also thankful that they got to eat a piece of bread, and wishes that there was more water. When he's done, and Lesong is done, they sit in silence. (So. Much. Silence.) Lesong is probably going to sleep. Lehn should to, and then wake up, and then sit in silence again in the dark all day until they get food and know what time it is and eventually decide to Speak to Rihamon and then go to bed again and then wake up and sit in silence in the dark until they get food and know what time it is and eventually decide to Speak to Rihamon and go to bed again and wake up and sit in the dark until food and time and Speak to Rihamon and sleep and wake and food and and (Lehn feels like a corpse. But at least he's alive. Unlike his troop. And family. And friends. And everyone. He's grateful. He is.)