This is a vent fiction. Paired with one of my favorite, and personally most powerful vent songs. I wrote it nearly a year ago, and intended to keep it to myself forever to look back on. But for some reason, I felt the need to publish it. Today's been hell, dissociating, fuzzy flashbacks, and so so much crying. I feel like a stranger in my own body, and I can't stand it. I wanted to publish this in the end, because I suppose it's the best way I've been able to word the way I've felt, and what's been happening. I think. Publishing the hurts sometimes helps, just a little. It's easier to vent in this broader sense, then talk about it directly with. B/kugou's been my biggest trigger for a few years now, and this story best explains why. I hate him from the bottom of my heart. I can't give him a chance, because I can't even look at him without wanting to cry, or vomit. It's not as bad as it once was, but he's everywhere... I hope he dies the most painful of deaths, and everyone realizes that he doesn't deserve forgiveness. He doesn't deserve anything good. He doesn't deserve to be forgiven. I hope he suffers much worse than I ever have, and I could not care less if you disagree. I don't care what the hell he's been through, it's never been, nor will it ever be an excuse.

I haven't seen My Hero Academia in awhile now, and I don't ever intend to do so. Ever. So if something in here isn't fully accurate, I don't care.
All Might's cool though.

We drove you away
Haltingly
I told you I needed more time
As if I hadn't already decided what you were to me
I wish you knew what you did,
But I don't want to tell you
It would be easier if you were something I had nightmares about
Instead of ugly, complicated memories
I want to flatten you into a villain
But I think that would only turn me into one
Please leave me alone
I'm happy now
I'm happy here
Please don't look for me
I promise I'm okay
Please go

It's been years since I saw you last. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder how you're doing. Do you have good friends like you used to? Are you as strong as I remember? Maybe even stronger? Are you happy? I probably shouldn't be thinking about you anymore. I should just push you out of my head forever, and not think about what you put me through. I know I'd be a better person for it. Because then I could move without this weight on my shoulders.
If it were so easy, I would have done it years ago. But, it's impossible. It's impossible to move forward. Because even now, I'm standing in your shadow.

That's the only way I can describe your presence. A shadow that's been looming over me ever since you left. It's a lot bigger than me, and even though it can't touch me, I'm still afraid of it. I guess it's not the shadow itself I should be afraid of. Rather, it's the person attached to it. You're nothing but a shadow to me now. You can't touch me anymore. And yet, I'm still so so afraid of it.

I remember when it was happening, I used to pin the blame on anyone but you. I knew you had it hard. I knew you needed understanding. And, I knew with your quirk, you were going to do amazing things someday. I had to understand that. That's what I told myself. I couldn't bring myself to hate you. Because, I was still stuck on the good times we had together. My dear friend. K/a-chan.

I wish we had no good memories together. I wish I could say you had been awful to me all my life. Then, it would be so much easier to hate you. I don't want to talk to you anymore at this point. Because, I knew you wouldn't bring it up. Whether or not you still hate me, I knew you would act like it didn't happen. Maybe because you felt guilty and didn't want to bring it up. Or, maybe because you didn't feel guilty. And don't think there's any reason to bring it up. Either way, we wouldn't talk about it. And it would just eat me up inside.
It took me a long time. But, eventually, I decided I would never forgive you. You can get better, and you can make new friends, and you can push it all out of your mind. If you want to. It's okay. Maybe you even deserve to be forgiven. Maybe you do deserve a second chance. Maybe it was even my fault that you hated me so badly. I won't deny that. I don't know yet. But, either way. It won't matter to me. Because, I won't forgive you. You hurt me, and I know you don't care. I don't care why you did it or if you've forgiven yourself or not. Because I won't forgive you. Not now. And not ever.

You are no friend of mine B/kugou K/tsuki./p

I hadn't thought about you in a little while now. I didn't intend to. Sometimes, you pop up, and I get so sad. But, I don't let it hurt me as much as I used to. I'm better now. I stopped hurting myself. I have friends. I'm making a life for myself. I don't need a quirk to be happy, of course I don't! I'll be powerful in my own way. On my own terms. I'll make it into the UA all on my own. I'll admit, I'm a little too big for my britches. I don't have a plan, I don't really have any quirks, I don't have anything. So, I guess I'm kind of an idiot in those regards. Maybe it sounds corny. But, I think I can get through. Through sheer willpower alone I guess~

But either way, I became...somewhat of a happier person. I'm not sure if I refused to process what happened, if I became numb to it, or what. Either way, I refused to think about it. No one else, other than your little friend group, really knows what you did, because we both refused to talk about it. And, I guess that's for the best. Let it all get swallowed up by history. And, that's okay with me I suppose.

And for a while, everything was okay. I was okay.

I heard it's name in passing conversations. On message boards. Even on commercials. It was a sensation. Yet it never caught my interest. I never cared all too much about slice of life shows. So, I never paid it any mind. I didn't see why I should. I had too much to worry about on my own time. I had other things I liked watching and doing. I didn't have any desire to look into anything new. But, I guess I gave in to peer pressure.

My peers, my friends, they all talked about it. I can't tell what was talked about more though. Was it the program itself? Or..that one solitary character? That character whose name has become just as hard to say as yours was. I ended up dubbing him as E. Just because..I can't make myself say his name.

But, anyway...I gave in. I had friends sending me documents with stories and plots that I didn't understand. Because these were characters I didn't understand. So, I started to watch the show for myself. I only got a few episodes in before deciding it wasn't for me. But, I can admit the characters stood out to me..

S. They were the main character. And, they reminded me a little of myself. They were ambitious. They wanted to be a doctor someday. But like me, they didn't have much of a plan. They weren't too smart, they weren't very brave, but they were still very hopeful. Kind of like me~ Where there's a will, there's a way I suppose. They understood that~

And then there was E. He came off right away as someone I wasn't sure about. He had this...unnatural sort of kindness. I can't quite place my finger on what it was about him. Maybe his smile was just a little too big. Or his eyes were a bit too narrowed. Maybe it was the fact that his soft, clean face didn't quite match his body. Big-boned and tall, with strong arms and big hands. I could never place my finger on it. But, either way I didn't like him. I knew though that he was important to my friends. So, I gave him a chance. I truly wanted to see what they did. Maybe I wasn't seeing something, that they could easily see about him. Or I was too quick to decide I wasn't a fan. But either way, I never got very far in the show. It just didn't interest me.

And… E kind of ruined the experience for me. I didn't want to keep watching it. I didn't find anything I liked. Other than Scout I guess. But they just weren't enough. They weren't too much different when compared to other bright eyed protagonists. Despite our similarities. So, I cast them aside eventually.

But, then, I made a big mistake. I began to research. I'd done it before. I wanted to know these characters better. So, I began to do my own research.

Scout, they went from wanting to be a doctor, to a teacher. They quit I guess. That was too bad. They met and bonded someone named SR in later seasons, she seemed to be a fan favorite~ Sweet and loving, a little silly, but so so kind. SR was loved by the audience. But, feelings were always mixed about S from the audience. Ambitious, or spineless. Interesting, or annoying. At the time, I was in the middle

And then I began my research about E. And…

He manipulated them. He hurt them. He fooled them into thinking they were cared about. He lured them in with those sweet words and promises, during a time they needed it most. During a time they were already alone, afraid, in desperate need of someone to love them, and take care of them. Someone to trust… He got pushy. He stopped being able to wait. He touched them. Caressed them. Placed his filthy, warm, putrid mouth on them.
And then he raped them. Right there on those concrete colored, narrow bleachers.

I..I was shocked. I didn't know how to feel. I couldn't process it when I first read about it. They used to be close. They used to be…'lovers'. They used to be inseparable. And yet...was it all a ruse? I hated him. I didn't understand what others saw in him. Yes, he was doing great things at the time. He was leading their football team. He was an aspiring soldier, in the JROTC. He had so many friends. He was learning German. He was loved. He made a mistake. A big mistake. Maybe I was focusing too hard on what he did, and not on who he was. What he had been through. On who he was going to be someday. Or the regret he might have felt for what he did. But, I couldn't see it. I couldn't look past what he did. I didn't think I would ever be able to.

For a moment, I started thinking about you again. There was something about you two that was similar. He was a sweet person, but you were hard and mean. He did the a lot of bad things, but he did the worst thing once. Maybe it was twice... You hit me over and over. Polar opposites, in a manner of speaking. And yet, there was something about you two that was just...too similar.

And, it hit me as I went back and read those documents, per a request. As I read the stories written and posted. As I spilled into a binge of emotional, and eventually physical, self harm, breaking my clean streak. As I read the sweet words written about E. Where his past would be erased, or glossed over. Or never brought up. Or even excused. Turning him into a different person. Or labeling him as someone who needed understanding and love and care. Dubbing him with these cute nicknames, and writing him as someone innocent. Writing these stories about S themself, holding him or consoling him. Loving him. Sometimes even...forgiving him.

I read and read and read and read. Until I vomited all over my lap.

It...felt like forgiving B/kugou.

I know I shouldn't let reality affect the media, or media affect the way I preserve things. But it's not so easy anymore. Not after what happened. I began to spiral after that. I saw E everywhere I looked. I saw E all over social media, in stories, in images. I never told anyone about this spiral, that's still hurting me so badly to this day. Because even to me, it just didn't make sense. It wasn't reasonable. And I was afraid no one would understand. But, it just made sense to me. The fact that so many people were willing to forgive E, to erase what he did, or to excuse it, made me question myself. Made me question how I felt about you. If it was right to never forgive you.

You're probably doing amazing things. You're probably already saving the world. I refuse to give you even a second glance. Or, that's how it used to be. But now I can't stop thinking about you. Crying about what happened. Hurting myself and scratching up my arms. Because I just don't feel well, and I don't know how else to cope.

I became fascinated with the idea of trauma, both my own and the trauma of others. The way it affects a person, the way it makes them think. Makes them feel. The art a traumatized person would produce. I didn't feel as alone. I thought about it so much more than I should have. I couldn't stop. And before I knew it, 'trauma' became a facet of my personality. Despite how badly I didn't want that. I wanted to tell someone what happened. Yet at the same time, I was too scared. I kept it all to myself, letting out little cries for help through my writing. But, I was never brave enough to say what happened out loud. Because, the pain of potentially not being believed, was much more painful than what actually happened.

Or, even worse, having what happened diminished. Having my own triggers scoffed at. Not being believed. I'd rather kill myself.

You've ruined me B/kugou. And yet, I'm almost certain there are people out there who will forgive you. People who don't know what you've done. People who will call you a poor baby, because you too were hurt. Just like E. He's a poor baby. He's 'Eri~' in their eyes. He deserves to be babied and loved and forgiven. He and S should love one another and date and forgive each other. And I sit back here, caught up in it all. Until it comes spilling out in the form of vomit. Or in the form of hurting myself.

I hate you B/kugou. And I truly wish I didn't have to try and see what others see. I wish they saw what I saw.

I don't think you're a monster, hardly
I just think that you fucked up, badly
I can never tell you what you did to me
So I have to settle for this, I hope truly
That you never hear these words that I'm speaking
This is just for me as I'm healing
It's not my fault that my soul is a war
That I don't want to say I love you on the phone anymore
I blame you. But I don't want to hate you
But maybe that's because I'm afraid to
There is a memory of when I was young and I admired you so much