It has been a very very ling time since I last posted an Upstead fic. I like many others were felt very demotivated by what the previous season had given us. But then I came across this fic that I had written almost a year ago. I can't say for sure what made me decide to post it now. But here it is nonetheless. I hope you enjoy it!

Disclaimer:I do not own any of the characters from the One Chicago world. All original characters are my own.

Say goodbye

Ella sighed, looking at the bedroom door before turning back to her father. Jay was busy fixing them up an easy lunch when she leaned forward on the counter, whispering as best a three-year-old could.

"I don't like it when mama is sad," she told her father.

Jay stopped what he was doing, turning just a little to look at her. Ella was so much like her mother. When she was happy – which was as often as Jay and Hailey could make it so – she exuded warmth and love. On the rare occasions that they found her otherwise, there was a tenderness, a delicate soreness to her sadness that always left both Jay and Hailey feeling heartbroken.

"Me too, baby," Jay said. He reached over and pulled Ella from her booster seat. She wrapped her arms around his neck, her head falling against his shoulder.

"How do we make mama happy again?"

"This is … it's not like that baby," Jay struggled to explain.

They had received the news that morning and Hailey had been silent all day. She had gone about the motions of the day without saying much, that was until an incident in the kitchen had shocked her into a near-catatonic state. The mug had slipped between Ella's hand and hers shattering to pieces. Hailey had watched as it fell, breaking into tiny pieces near her feet. Ella's eyes had gone wide, apologising but Hailey did nothing; said nothing. Not even to Ella who had grown more sorry with each passing moment. But Hailey's jaw had wielded itself shut and while she was looking at them, Jay knew she was already lost in the echoes of her childhood. He had sent a teary Ella into the living room and then got Hailey settled in their bed again. When he had pulled the covers up around her, Hailey had finally looked at him, silently pleading for an answer. But he had none. Instead, he had pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"We'll be here whenever you're ready," Jay promised. Hailey barely registered that, her eyes focusing on the window and the makings of a perfect frosty day in Chicago.

Ella had curled up with her teddy on the couch, a sad look on her face. When she saw Jay, she looked to be on the verge of tears. He quickly joined her on the couch.

"Is mama mad at me?" Ella had asked. "I didn't mean to -"

"Oh sunshine, mama is not mad at you. It was an accident. This is not your fault. Mama is …" Jay stalled trying to figure out what to say. "Mama is sad."

"Why?"

"She heard some very sad news today."

"What happened?"

Jay had winced just a little, not sure how he would explain this to Ella. It was so much for a three-year-old to bear. And Hailey's relationship with her father was not one that Ella would have any mind to understand.

Eventually, he sighed, pulling Ella closer. "Well, baby, you know Mama's daddy hasn't been feeling so good lately, right?"

Ella nodded. "Pappoús is sick," she said and Jay smiled just a little.

Despite never having met the man herself, Ella knew of her maternal grandfather. She didn't question it too much that all she ever had with her grandparents was a phone call every once and then with her ya-ya. Hailey felt it was pure luck that Ella simply never questioned why she had never spoken to her grandfather. Her life was filled, overflowing really with some many good people eager to love her that she never felt the absence.

"Right," Jay sighed. "Well, mama's daddy went to heaven."

"Oh," came her small reply. She had been squeezing her teddy with all her little fingers. "Her daddy is not here anymore," Ella said and Jay nodded. "Is he with your mama?" Ella asked innocently a moment later.

Jay bit down on his tongue, holding back his ugly answer. He wasn't quite sure where Cyrus Upton was now. He didn't want to think too much on it either, deciding the fate of that man was not his business to worry over.

"I don't know," was what he had settled for.

"Do you think mama misses him? Is that why she's sad?" Ella asked. "She … she didn't see pappoús a lot but she'll miss him, right?"

"I think mama is sad about a lot of things," Jay answered. He deemed it the only safe answer he could give.

Ella pouted. "I don't want mama to be sad, daddy. What do we do?"

Jay had run a hand over her curls and she looked up at him with wide eyes. "Right now we just have to give mama some time." Ella didn't seem to like that idea if the furrowing of the brow was anything to go by. "She never got to say goodbye to her daddy," Jay explained. "She is a little sad and maybe her heart is a little broken. We gotta wait for her. When she is ready, then we'll be there to look after her together."

"I don't want her to go away," Ella said tears now pooling in her green eyes.

Alarmed, Jay reached for her, pulling Ella into his lap. "Why would you think that, Ella?" All his little girl did was shrug, her pout growing a little deeper.

"What if …" Ella hiccupped a little looking at her father, "what if mama is too sad or she misses her daddy too much?" Jay brushed a hand over her curls doing his best to soothe her. "I'd miss you and mama so much if you left!" At those words, his heart constricted fearfully. "You're my daddy," she continued jabbing him in the chest with her little finger, "and I miss you, even when you have to go to work. Mama will miss her daddy just as much right? And he's going very very far away."

Jay swallowed, trying not to show let it show that his heart was breaking. Both for his wife and daughter. Yet his most pressing matter was explaining to Ella why those circumstances would be so different.

She wasn't wrong. They missed each other – all three of them – even when spending the smallest time apart. A day's heavy workload was always sweetened by the excited squeals of Ella when they came home. Hailey had not known this kind of life at Ella's age, and all the days that had passed for her. Hailey missing her father - as much as Ella would miss her own – was far more complicated than the simplicity in which the youngest Halstead thought it to be.

"Baby, I promise that is not going to happen. Mama loves you too much to ever leave you. Where you are, that's where we will always be."

"Really?"

"Yes. You know how much mama loves you?"

Ella nodded. "A lot," she answered extending her arms out to show Jay.

"Exactly!" he rubbed a thumb across her slightly pinkish cheek. "Sometimes people have to go away. But not because they want to. All you ever have to remember, Ella, is that mama and I are always going to be with you here," Jay said pointing to the couch they were sitting on, "and in here," he finished pointing to her heart. "Okay?"

He waited for her. He had to know that she understood, that they would never choose to leave her.

Eventually, Ella nodded and Jay wiped away her tears. Ella reached for his hands, tiny fingers drawing nonsensical patterns on his palms. He smiled a little as he watched her fiddle with the black band around his ring finger.

"Daddy?" she called but she didn't look up.

"Hhm?"

"How long do you think mama is gonna be sad for?"

"I'm not sure," he told her and he saw her posture deflate a little. He caught her fingers in his hands, grasping them and stopping her fiddling. Ella pouted and Jay gave her hands a gentle squeeze until she looked up at him.

"Why can't we be with mama if she is sad?" She seemed almost shy about it. "Maybe she will feel better if we gave her extra big hugs? Like she does when we feel icky."

Jay chuckled. "I think mama would love that. But maybe we should wait just a little longer?" he pinched his fingers together to emphasise. "I'll tell you what, let's have lunch and then maybe afterwards, we can check on mama?" he offered.

Ella thought about it before nodding.

That was how Jay had found himself in the kitchen with a morose Ella in the booster seat. He had fixed them up a quick lunch and while Ella was munching down on her grilled cheese, Jay had snuck in to check on Hailey.

But she was asleep. Or at least she wanted him to think so. He didn't say otherwise as he left their room, joining Ella once more in the kitchen.

Ella had started yawning as she took the last few bites of her food but she stubbornly denied needing a nap. She was fighting it with such determination. Chuckling at his daughter's stubbornness, Jay scooped her up and settled her comfortably in his arms. Then, using a trick he had learnt from his wife, he simply walked around the house, slowly and quietly, pretending to do small things in an act to lull Ella to sleep. Hailey had figured out that if Ella thought she was along for the ride, she would forget her stubborn aversion to nap time. It worked like a charm. Within a few laps around the house, Ella was out. Jay got her settled in her bed before going back to Hailey.

This time she didn't pretend to be asleep. She lay on her side, still watching the frosty day from their window. She was on Jay's side of the bed and her eyes told him everything she couldn't. He sat down beside her and brushed a few curls away. His touch was gentle against her and Hailey's eyes fluttered shut, finding one small moment of peace again.

He heard her sigh and a moment later, she was intertwining their fingers. Still, she didn't speak. But she didn't need to. A tear slipped free, running down and quickly getting caught by the pillow. He was sure it was not the first and likely, it would not be the last. Jay hated feeling helpless, more than anything. But he especially hated that feeling when it concerned his girls. He knew there was nothing more he could do than just be there. But it was all that Hailey needed from him, so he would do it without question.

Jay looked back down only to find Hailey now staring at the picture he kept on his nightstand. It was a picture of his girls. Hailey hugging Ella as they both laughed at Jay, who had been the one taking the photo. It had been a chilly day at the park and both Halstead girls wore beanies, Ella's just a tad too big for her. But her blonde hair was still visible spilling out from beneath the material – just like her mother.

He knew at that moment what Hailey needed more than anything. Even if she couldn't not find the words right then, it was okay, because Jay knew her better than anyone else. He knew her heart and so he knew exactly what was needed to help heal it.

Hailey had been watching the frosty window all morning. A hurricane of memories had taken over and all she could do was wait for it to be over. She had learnt that ignoring it or trying to push it away was always a terrible way of dealing with the past.

But her grief and guilt were now crippling her. She realised that she was in a unique position of holding equal amounts of grief and relief over the news of her father's passing. Her relief was not altruistic. She wasn't relieved that he had passed so he wouldn't be suffering anymore. She was just glad it was over, at least it finally felt like it was.

The shattering of the mug had been like the breaking of all the very high walls she had created. Jay had done the right thing and she didn't even have to question that Ella would be okay.

With the echo of the mug crashing to the floor, all she could hear was the ringing of a lifetime of memories. Her father, Cyrus, had spent so long chipping away at everything Hailey was. Until she found the strength to do what her mother could never do – leave. When Hailey graduated from the academy it felt a lot like she was rebuilding herself; stronger and better because it was on her terms. Hailey had gone many years with the smallest interactions with her father. Her mother had made more of an effort but sometimes Hailey found that to be just as exhausting as being back home. Then, Jay came along and everything was different. With Jay, it was like breathing in pure courage and strength; from the very first moment.

Hailey had told only her mother about marrying Jay (and that too, after the fact). Her mother, Elena, had been upset to have missed it but her father, Cyrus (when he did find out about it) had been absolutely livid. Not only had they not told him but a courthouse wedding was simply not up to his standards.

Hailey had promised Jay that their wedding had been exactly as she wanted it to be. Just them. They had been happy and that was all that would ever matter. Over the years, Jay had met her parents several times, (a handful of awkward family dinners come to mind before Hailey finally had enough), phone calls – mostly with Elena – and birthday wishes whispered back and forth. Jay had maintained a reserved and respectful distance but his presence had always been felt. He tried not to get involved – knowing it was not what Hailey wanted – but it had been hard to do so, especially when he felt like Cyrus was always taunting Hailey. Cyrus for the most part seemed to like testing Jay's abundance of patience.

Her father however had not met Ella. It had been months before Hailey even told her mother she was pregnant and what followed was a phone call from her father who erroneously asked what Hailey would be doing now that she was retiring from the police force.

"That husband of yours doesn't earn nearly as well as he could if he had a college degree," Her father had said snidely. "Children aren't cheap, Hailey."

"I am aware," she had replied through clenched teeth. "But Jay and I are going to be okay."

He had only snorted, muttering about her foolishness before she cut the call.

Hailey had wanted to believe that her father was worth introducing to her daughter. Yet, when she had seen the bruises her mother had been sporting, she knew he wasn't, and it that perhaps he would never be.

There had never been a moment after that where Hailey felt comfortable with the idea of introducing Ella to her pappoús, and as much as she didn't want it to, that left her a little heartbroken. But she stuck to her decision. Her baby was good and untouched by Cyrus Upton's ugly shadow. Hailey and Jay had promised each other and Ella that all she would ever know was a happy home, filled with love as it should have been for Hailey. Her mother had made a few sporadic visits over the years and each time she had begged Hailey to change her mind.

"He's your father, agapiménos. He deserves to know his granddaughter." Her mother had argued during what would be their last phone call to each other.

Hailey had learnt a long time ago when to argue and when to simply nod and say nothing.

As her father's health declined, her mother's visits became practically non-existent. Ella had been too young to distinctly remember her ya-ya in person, but they had spoken over the phone.

"Hailey, won't you give him a chance?" Her mother had begged. "It not … like before. He is not the same." Hailey doubted that but her mother had continued nonetheless. "He … Hailey he's very sick. What harm would come from that now?"

"She is my daughter, mamá!" Hailey all but hissed. "Nobody but Jay and I get to decide what is best for her. And I am not ready to trust him with the most important person in our lives. I won't ask that of Jay and it is not something I am interested in."

Her mother had sighed. "But Hailey -"

"No mamá! Please understand," she had begged, "He doesn't get Ella. Not even a little bit. He can have the last pieces of me – all that he didn't manage to wreck before but he doesn't get Ella. Not now. Not ever. I don't care how much you believe he has changed."

"You won't even give him a chance to show you!"

"Because despite what you think, I know he hasn't changed. The bruises don't go away just because you want things to be different. This is not how that works," Hailey told her.

"He's her pappoús," Elena had needlessly reminded her.

"I know mamá," Hailey sighed. "And I would love for him to know her. But I can't … I don't trust him and Ella – she's my baby. There's no part of me that would take such a big gamble with something so precious. I'm sorry. I won't."

"You're my baby too, Hailey," her mother had said softly. "I don't want you to regret this later on in life. Don't you think Ella deserves to know her family? Or to know that she has more family than just you and Jay? Think of what an opportunity it would be for her! To have a family with her -"

"She's not short on family," Hailey interrupted. "She's got family. Not just Jay and I. She's got plenty of uncles and aunts who love and adore her. Plenty of family that would protect her without a second thought. She is not short on anything."

"Yes," her mother sighed sounding aggrieved. "But they're not blood, are they? They're not really family. Well everyone but that doctor."

"They don't need to be blood to be family. I had a big enough blood-related family and what good did that do me?"

"Hailey Anne!"

"You don't get to beg this of me. And you definitely don't get to make me feel guilty for doing what you should have. I am choosing my daughter over that man. I am protecting her like you should have protected me!"

Hailey heard her mother's gasp and then the line went dead. She had been left clutching the phone with tears running down her face as she cried silently. Jay had found her and she collapsed into his arms. There had been something decidedly final about that call.

Time had passed them by and Hailey had not heard from her mother since that phone call. Until that morning. It had lasted all of two minutes as her mother sobbed that her father had passed and then waited for Hailey's response. But she had none.

She was not solely in shock. Mostly she was torn between her grief and relief. Not knowing which outweighed the other. He was still her father and some small part mourned for the father he had once been. A very long time ago. She mourned for lost chances. Her relief found its roots in knowing that now he was truly far and out of her reach. That while she might still be healing emotionally and mentally, physically there was nothing he could do now. That cold dread that would seize around her heart like a hand squeezing down was gone too. He had taken that to the grave with him and Hailey found, she was not sorry.

But she did feel something akin to pity for her mother, which surprised her very much. Because while Hailey had gone out and found better, all her mother had known was her father's cruelty and mocking benevolence on unexpected turns.

Without meaning too, she had found herself crying into Jay's pillow. Hailey had told herself all morning that she was okay with the news but now she wondered, given the ferocity of her tears if that was true. She didn't question it for too long, as her mind played a vicious game jumping from one memory to the next.

Jay had come back sometime later. She had been vaguely aware of him in the room. She heard him shuffling about as quietly as he could. Before she could look at her husband, her gaze was caught by the picture Jay had kept on his nightstand. Hailey knew, looking at that picture, that every decision she had taken had been the right one. And if she had to, Hailey would make them again, if only to protect Ella. Her daughter – her sweet baby – was her very heart and soul. There was absolutely nothing she wouldn't do, no limit that existed in protecting Ella.

Hailey felt the bed shift and Jay was sliding down the floor beside her. He was leaning against the bed and Hailey's hand fell to his shoulder. Her fingers dug into the fabric of his shirt but she didn't do anything more. She was still looking at that picture of Ella and herself.

"I always loved that picture," Hailey finally said. "That is all I ever wanted for her."

She didn't have to explain what she meant. Jay knew. She took a deep breath and Jay waited patiently for her as she gathered her thoughts and a little bit of courage too.

"I don't know if I feel more sad or more relieved," she admitted. "Does that make me a horrible person?"

"No." His answer was instantaneous. "You're not a horrible person for feeling the way you do. You were hurt by the people who were supposed to love and protect you."

"But he was still my father."

"And that does not excuse anything. You don't need to justify how you choose to deal with what he broke."

Hailey bit her lip but she didn't reply. A part of her wanted to agree with Jay, but another part – one that she very much tried not to listen to – told her that it was family and family is always forgiven. That voice sounded very much like her mother. The thing with her parents, Hailey had come to realise is that there was always some small part of her that would look for their approval no matter how much she told herself it didn't matter. Because it did. It mattered because despite her best intentions and all the memories she had used as a vice to build her walls so high – she still loved them. That was part of why their betrayal hurt so bad. She had been their child and all she ever needed was their love. But their kind of love hurt too much and when she had grown up and realised it was not meant to be that way, it hurt even more.

She hated over the years that despite telling herself she didn't care and it didn't affect her, it somehow did. When she had become a parent, she began to understand a little about the power children had over their parent's hearts. Ella, even before she had been born had ruled over her whole heart. More than anybody else and that was the way it was always supposed to be. If she loved Ella so much that she could barely stand to see her little girl cry over a bruised knee, how could her own father do what he had done to them? Had their love for him not been enough?

Cyrus Upton did not know how to love without hurting them, and now that he was gone all Hailey wanted was to know why he have never learnt to be better. He had known what was happening had been wrong, there was no doubt about that but he had never bothered to be better. He would fool them, make false promises that he would be better, that the last time would be the last, but it never was. They had not been worth more. Or at least that was what Hailey had been led to believe. It had taken years before she finally learnt otherwise.

"What are you feeling right now?" Jay asked.

Hailey didn't reply immediately, thinking it over. She knew that at the start it had been guilt and relief mostly, but now it was an odd mix of the two laced with a hard touch of anger. That surprised her.

"Many things," she answered. "But I didn't think I would feel angry. Relief for sure, but anger? I didn't think I cared enough to still be angry."

"Maybe it's not because you might still care," Jay thought, "maybe you're angry because you never get the chance to tell him what you feel."

"I thought I knew, but I'm not so sure anymore."

"That's okay. You don't need to know right now, Hails." Jay turned and looked at her with a soft smile. "You want a bit of lunch?"

Hailey shook her head. He didn't push her and let his head fall back against the mattress. They sat like that for a while. It was quiet and even though they did not speak, Hailey felt the support and strength of Jay all the same.

Sometime later, they heard the sheets ruffling over the baby monitor and Hailey knew Ella was waking up from her nap.

Jay got up, pressing a kiss to her forehead as he said, "I'm going to check on her. Do you need anything?"

"No. Just …" she paused, her eyes falling to the picture again. When she looked back at Jay, he had an understanding look in his eyes and he gave her a small smile before leaving the room.

He had forgotten to take the baby monitor with him so Hailey was blessed with hearing them as he entered Ella's room.

"Hi, baby." She heard shuffling and guessed Jay was lifting Ella into his arms.

Ella mumbled something that was lost over the monitor but a moment late she called, "Daddy?" and Hailey heard Jay's soft hum of a reply. "Is mama still sad?"

"Yeah baby."

"Oh." Ella's reply was soft and sad. There was nothing more that Hailey wanted at that moment than her baby in her arms. "Mama still loves us right? Even though her daddy had to leave?" Ella asked and Hailey gasped.

She reached for the monitor, holding it closer, desperate to hear Jay's answer.

"Ella, there is no one – absolutely no one – that mama loves more than you."

"What about you?" Came her daughter's reply.

Hailey smiled as she heard Jay's little chuckle. Of course, she would question that because their darling Ella was all about sharing the love.

"I know mama loves me very much. As much as I love her but she loves you a little differently."

"How?"

Hailey was still smiling then, proud of her daughter's sense of inquisition. She heard Jay placing Ella back on the bed. "You know how mama and I say we love you, with all of our heart?" He asked and Hailey pictured Ella nodding, her blonde riotous curls all over the place. "Well, we can say that because you … baby you're our whole heart. There isn't anything and anyone we love more. No matter what. You'll always be ours."

Hailey wiped at the tears that slipped down her cheeks as she heard Ella giggle across the monitor. No doubt Jay was tickling her, earning one of those sweet smiles they loved so much.

"But daddy," Ella said once more, "how do we make her not sad now that her daddy has gone away?" She didn't give Jay a chance to reply and her next question stole the air from Hailey's lungs. "Won't ya-ya be sad that pappoús is gone?"

Ella had spoken to her ya-ya over the phone and she knew that her ya-ya lived with her pappoús but that he was very sick. It was all Hailey had been comfortable sharing with her but it was enough. She had never been given the chance to call her grandfather pappoús to his face. Ella did not think it strange, not when it was all she knew. Besides with the ever-constant presence of her family from the unit and at 51, Ella wanted for nothing. So it was hard to miss something she didn't know was missing.

At that moment, hearing her daughter's perfect pronunciation of those few tiny Greek words, Hailey wondered if she had done the right thing. It was only a brief second of doubt but it was enough to double her guilt.

"If mama is sad, ya-ya must be very sad too," Ella reasoned. "Can we give her hugs now?"

Hailey didn't hear Jay's reply even though she still held the monitor in her hand. Her eyes were a little misty when they appeared through the door a moment later. Ella had her head tucked into the crook of her father's neck, one hand over his shoulder and the other hugging her teddy close.

Jay approached the bed and wordlessly handed Ella off to Hailey, who eagerly took the little girl into her arms. Ella didn't hesitate. Not for a second as she wrapped her around her mother's neck, her tiny legs doing the same around Hailey's torso. Hailey pulled the duvet covers up a little to block the chill, even though Ella was dressed in her warm leggings and fuzzy socks. Neither mother nor daughter spoke as Ella was simply resting her head against Hailey's chest.

"I'm sorry you're sad, mama," Ella's voice broke through the room.

Hailey didn't respond. She wasn't quite sure what to say. Ella shifted so she was looking into her mother's eyes. "Are you sad cause you're going to miss your daddy a lot?"

Hailey didn't want to lie to her, but at the same time, she didn't want to burden Ella with the absolute truth.

"I think I'm mostly sad because I never got to say goodbye," Hailey replied. "He's gone now but there is a lot I would like to have told him."

Ella tipped her head to the side. The sight of her bedhead curls and those green eyes that Hailey loved so much, wide with curiosity was enough to tease a small smile from her.

"Like what?" At Ella's question, Hailey felt her smile disappear a little.

"Lots of things. Mostly grown-up things."

"Did you say, 'I love you'?" Ella asked innocently. "Maybe you won't feel so bad if you said it."

"I think he knew baby," Hailey whispered. It was all she could muster for an answer.

There must have been something in her voice that saw Ella looking at her mother with new intensity, even for a three-year-old.

"Here mama. You hold teddy," Ella said pushing her beloved teddy bear between them. "Teddy makes me feel better all the time," she reasoned. "Daddy made him, so maybe he'll help you too."

Smiling, Hailey took the teddy bear from her. "He will?"

Ella nodded. "Daddy loves me and you. He'll make it better like Teddy does."

Hailey pulled Ella closer and her daughter didn't hesitate in hugging her mother back.

"Oh baby, you make it better. You always do." Hailey pressed a kiss to Ella's hair. "I love you and daddy so much. You know that right?" she had to ask despite hearing Jay reassure Ella of the very same thing earlier.

"Uh-huh," Ella said now grinning. "You love us the mostest cause me and daddy are your heart." She seemed so proud of herself at that moment and Hailey found that she was proud of Ella because despite what Jay had told her before; Ella in all her sweetness had included Jay in that statement.

There was nothing that Hailey knew to be true.

"That's right, sunshine," she said softly, and Ella reached up to grasp her cheeks, giggling a little. "You and daddy are my whole heart." There was a beautiful sparkle in Ella's gorgeous green eyes as she hugged Hailey.

As she hugged her little girl, Hailey looked up to see Jay leaning against the door, watching them both with the softest look on his face. And Hailey knew that no matter what happens, she would be okay.

AN: Thank you for reading! I always appreciate the support. So don't be shy, leave a little love and review!

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