"You've become a coward, haven't you?"
It was a voice she heard all the time. One that spoke to her in the back of her mind. One that would come out during her calmest moments and her deepest of slumbers. It spoke of regret and sorrow. Demanded sacrifice and retribution. Reminding her of that dark day she lost her father. It spoke in his voice and appeared in his image. A bastardization of his memory. No matter how she often assured herself, he would always appear. She seeks forgiveness knowing she would never receive it. Salvation that won't be given. A fate doomed to be repeated.
"I wanted to stay by your side but you told me run! You wanted me to live."
"I wanted you to become stronger! You are a Guan, daughter of the God of War! Does your lineage mean nothing to you?"
"It means everything to me! I wanted to give up then but I still fight for our people because it's what you would have wanted! I want to be you, to be everything you stood for! For the people of Shu! For Lord Liu Bei, now for Lord Liu Shan!"
"Yet our kingdom is at the point of collapse! My brother died before his vision fulfilled, succeeded by his son with no ambition! You fight as if you've given up, you've regressed back to a scared child. Where's the girl who fought with confidence, who's strength was unbounded and shook the earth? You are NOT my daughter, I did not raise you to be a coward! Where is the Yinping I wanted you to be?"
A question she never wanted to answer. She had to find it in herself to confront the truth that she wasn't ready to confront. It scared her.
"She was left behind that night in the castle, along with you and Ping. She never came back. She's gone."
"That is where she will stay. You will continue to be nothing but a husk and you will die a coward's death!"
The image of her father faded away, leaving her behind on her knees in a broken state. His words resonating in her mind. She wanted to give up. She would never be like her father. How could she if she wasn't even herself. She couldn't do anything but wallow in despair. Let her guilt consume her until she is nothing.
"My lady, are you okay!?" She heard a voice call out, one grew fond of in the time of her father's death. "Lady Yinping!" She felt his hands grip her shoulders, his warm touch bringing her out of her trance.
"L-Lord Ma Dai?"
"Your eyes are red with tears falling like a river. You mind telling me what's going on?"
She couldn't bring herself to tell him anything. Especially something she thought was meaningless. She wiped her eyes in an attempt to convince him. "It's nothing, I'm fine now. I guess I was just thinking about-" She looked into his eyes, wide with concern. Eyes she often got lost looking into but ones that made her comfortable that moment. "I don't want to you to worry."
"It's a little late for that. I'm not needed for anything at the moment. In fact, I think someone needs my help right now. And I'm looking at her. You can talk about anything you want. Or we could not talk at all. Whatever it is, I'm here for you."
She felt his hands wipe away her tears before they reached back down for her hands. His firm grasp being an anchor that held her in place. She could still feel the pain of her father's words but being with someone she'd grown to love helped ease that pain. Especially when that someone has felt enough pain to last generations. His hands were anchors and she never wanted to let go.
"Thank you, my lord."