The cart bounced against the rocky ground; it was far from a pleasant ride, the hardwood that she bounce off of when a wheel hit a rock, only to immediately slam back down onto it was only made worse by her ribs that still ached after… she paused. She didn't want to blame him; it was not his fault… whose fault was it?
Lost in her thought, she almost missed hearing him speak, "Gabi." He paused.
"I am sorry that I kicked you," Jean said, his voice soft.
She looked across the cart over to him, his face was genuine, and she couldn't help but be surprised by his apology. She had never had an adult apologize to her before, "Are you okay?" Jean asked, his face continuing to show genuine concern. Gabi could hardly process it; an adult was apologizing, a devil- no, no, she shouldn't think of him that way; Jean was not a devil.
Gabi blinked, realizing she still had not responded to Jean, "Yeah, it's okay… I'm fine," she stammered awkwardly.
Jean paid it no mind, his somber face becoming slightly less strained as he acknowledged her response. Gabi continued to look at him it... it was a weird feeling to be apologized to. She wasn't sure how to feel about it, it felt good, and she really did appreciate it, but she was unused to it. As Gabi continued to mull over her feelings about it, she began to notice the awkward atmosphere that had been created with Jean's apology, an atmosphere that Jean soon corrected.
"Reiner, you won't get any apology from me," Jean said, and maybe long ago it would have been sarcastic and playful, but looking into Jean's eyes, she could see he was as genuine as ever, but despite how genuine it was, it strangely enough, helped remove that awkward atmosphere. Perhaps because it was just so matter-of-fact?
Looking into Reiner's eyes, she saw nothing but regret and acceptance of what Jean had said, and Gabi remembered the years that Reiner had spent on Paradis, living with them, becoming friends with them, caring for them. She couldn't imagine what a betrayal like that felt to Jean, what betraying them felt like to Reiner.
She sighed silently to herself; she had once dreamed about being able to do what Reiner did. Become a hero, defeat the devils. She had ignored the haunted look that shadowed his face every moment since his return from Paradis, she was blinded with glory, but there was no more glory anymore, not on the precipice of the world's end.
They sat in continued silence, the bouncing of the cart making Gabi silently wince, had Falco not been so close to her, he would not have noticed, not that she did not appreciate him leaning into her; it was comfortable.
She wanted to just sit there, forget it all, and let this moment be enough for right now. Falco had confessed to her; she didn't think she was ready for romance yet, but maybe one day, one day, she and Falco could be happy… if there was a tomorrow…
Gabi did not appreciate the dark turn of her thoughts nor the slowly creeping realization that no matter the outcome, Falco would not live to see past 25. She leaned into him as well; she did not like her thoughts; why was the world so cruel?
"Jean, Connie," Reiner began, pulling Gabi from her dark thoughts.
Gabi hoped that whatever it was that Reiner suddenly wanted to talk about would distract her from her thoughts.
Reiner seemed to struggle to phrase what he wanted to say, but Jean, Connie, and Gabi all kept apt attention to him. Sighing, Reiner decided to speak, "Where is Sasha?"
Out of everything in the world, Reiner could have asked them, every question that could be asked. Reiner had to ask that one terrible question. Gabi wanted to disappear into nothingness; she did not want to relive it all again. She hated that memory, now scorched into her soul, one vile and ugly sin amongst a host of others.
How Reiner spoke sounded like he already knew the answer, that Sasha was dead. Did he really just want clarification on how she had died? Had he been friends with her like Niccolo had? Gabi outwardly cringed, which Jean noticed as he sat across from her.
Jean turned from Gabi to look at Reiner, his eyes glistening, clearly in pain from the emotional weight of everything that had happened up until this moment.
"She died…" Jean's voice was soft, quiet, and filled with so much agony, "She was killed."
Reiner looked at Jean expectantly; she could see the sadness in her cousin's eyes and a part of her filled with fear. She did not want Reiner to look at her and see a murderer, see someone who had killed his friend. She wanted him to look at her and smile like in Liberio, for him to keep a fond expression whenever he looked her way. She did not want him to look at her differently; she did not want him to see the blood that stained her, the blood of his friend. He was her last family; everyone was going to die in Liberio; she couldn't… she couldn't bear to see her only family look at her like that.
"Who killed her?" Reiner asked, his voice was laced with so much regret.
Gabi wished so badly that he had not asked that question.
Jean glanced at her quickly, but whatever expression of pleading that she held in her eyes he ignored as he turned back to face Reiner, "Sasha was killed when we were fleeing Liberio; she was shot... by Gabi."
The silence was palpable; Reiner was staring at her from the opposite corner of the cart, his eyes filled with so many mixed emotions. Jean was looking calmly between the two of them, and even Annie had momentarily glanced at her.
Gabi appreciated Falco leaning against her in support, but she still felt so terribly alone at that moment.
"Gabi," Reiner began.
"I'm sorry!" Gabi exclaimed, "I thought, I thought that I could be a hero; I wanted to be a hero; I wanted Marley to see us in Liberio as good Eldians, not the devils we were raised to believe that we were. I thought I could get respect, that I could become the Armored Titan if I attacked them; I thought I was doing a good thing going to the airship and firing that rifle."
Hot tears burned in Gabi's eyes, and her hands shook, "I thought that they were devils!" Gabi exclaimed, "But they were not!"
"They are people. Sasha was a good person. She saved Kaya, she helped Niccolo, and she loved food, and she cared about Connie, Jean, and everyone else. She had parents who loved her. Sasha was a person… and I killed her!" Gabi felt tears running down her face. She felt short of breath.
"I am sorry…" Gabi did not know what else to say, what else she could say.
She didn't know who she was apologizing to either. Was it Reiner, Jean, and Connie, or maybe Niccolo, Kaya, or Sasha's family? She wished that she could apologize to Sasha herself.
"Gabi," Reiner began again, "I am sorry."
She remembered Yelena mentioning Marco the other night; Reiner had killed him. Was Marco like Sasha? Was her death going to weigh on Gabi like Marco's had done to Reiner; was she doomed to that same cycle of constant regret and pain?
"Reiner, don't you dare compare what Gabi did to what you did," Jean growled, his eyes fierce.
"You killed Marco, knowing him for years, knowing that we were not devils. You left him to beg for his life before being killed by a titan," Jean's voice was hard and filled with rage, though it was much calmer than during the night.
"Gabi killed Sasha, we were at war, she did not even know her name, she thought of us all as nothing but devils, she shot her straight in the gut, and she bled out, so… painfully slowly…" Jean paused, the memories too recent, too painful to recount.
Jean sat there, covering his ears and taking a moment to collect himself before finally speaking, "Gabi killed Sasha. You murdered Marco."
Everyone fell into a heavy silence. The wheels hitting rocks were so loud, it was uncomfortable; Gabi grew hyper-aware of the pain in her side, of everything around her. But Jean's words still hung in her head.
She remembered Sasha's parents crying over their murdered daughter, but she also remembered them saving her life. They forgave her…
Tears prickled at her eyes again, and she pulled her knees to her chest, wanting to be small.
Mr. and Mrs. Braus, they did not hate her… Jean and Connie, they didn't hate her either. Who hated her for killing Sasha?
"That is not what I meant, Jean," Reiner said softly, "What I did was not what Gabi did…" Reiner paused, avoiding saying he was sorry to Jean; they all remembered what happened last night.
"I only meant that I am sorry that Gabi will have to bare that sin for the rest of her life and the overwhelming self-hatred that eats away at anyone baring that sin," Reiner explained, looking at Gabi as he spoke, his eyes were filled with so much pain and regret as he spoke, "I hope that you can find freedom from that sin, besides the freedom at the end of a gun."
Reiner trailed off, but she could have almost sworn she heard him say, "Like I tried to do."
Had Reiner tried to kill himself?
She did not want to think of that now.
"It doesn't heal. But it scars as long as you are not so screwed up in the head that you lose your mind and just become a dick to your own existence," Annie suddenly piped in, glaring at Reiner, "I doubt that you are half as deranged as Reiner, so you should be fine Gabi."
"Leave it to Annie to turn a moral discussion about empathy and regret into baseline facts while also beating down Reiner with her words," Connie laughed, though there was no humor in his laugh.
"I never found him to be the most mentally stable, even before he completely went off the rails and betrayed us all," Jean said, folding his arms together.
Reiner blinked before an offended look came over his face, "Hey, what is that supposed to mean?"
"What do you think it means? You are a walking personality disorder," Jean claimed with a flat expression as he rolled his eyes.
They continued bickering with each other, and Gabi just sat there, listening to it all, a small smile creeping on her face. Was this what it was like for Reiner in the walls? They did seem like they were good friends once, long ago.
A few tears escaped her once again; she wasn't sure why she was crying, was she just overwhelmed with it all? Was it because of all this recent emotional fighting, or the stakes of everything happening, or the almost guaranteed loss of Liberio and everything and everyone that she had ever known? Or maybe it was, despite it all; no one seemed to hate her, and everyone seemed to have forgiven her?
She leaned into Falco again, smiling at his blush, and just continued to enjoy listening to all of them bicker like they were friends still. After they stopped Eren Yeager, she just wanted to be like this, without a worry in the world, until the end of time.
End.