The Decision

Elizabeth couldn't work out why nothing she said seemed to change how Nathan was thinking or why he didn't try to understand her feelings more than he had. She had believed that in time he may start to mellow in his attitude towards her but now she was beginning to realise that the man had wiped her from his life as much as he could. He was barely civil to her, only acknowledging her presence when it involved a professional matter or there was something about Allie that needed to be discussed. Outwith that he seemed to have mastered looking through her with a stare that made clear the disdain in which she was now held by him. It all seemed so unfair and unjustified in her mind.

In the schoolhouse things were marginally better, with Allie at least accepting that she was required to be polite to her teacher but even then she engaged with her as little as possible. Gone was the closeness they had once shared, replaced by a cool formality that no matter how much she tried she couldn't break through. Why couldn't things between her and Allie continue in the same way as before? After all, she was probably the closest to a mother the girl had even known. She would have to try to have words with Nathan about her again, make him see things from her perspective.

Surprisingly it appeared that no-one blamed either of The Grants for their attitude with her, especially as they had not changed towards everyone else in Hope Valley. She knew her choice of Lucas Bouchard had come as a shock to the whole town, with the exception perhaps of Rosemary Coulter, which was why others chose not to engage with her unless it was necessary. Of course there was no impoliteness, even from the likes of Florence and Molly. Greetings were exchanged and the weather discussed but no longer was she automatically included in the parts of community life that she had shared before or even in what would normally be expected for a schoolteacher to attend and whenever they were out walking together there was almost an imperceptible wall around them that stopped others from coming close. Lucas laughed all of this off, saying that she just needed to give it time but she could sense the shift and knew deep down that it would never go back to how it was before. In a way the town were telling her that while she may have picked Lucas, they had chosen Nathan.

Now as she walked down Main Street she watched as the red clad figure disappeared back into the Mountie Office, certain that once again he had seen her approaching before quickly turning away. This had become his standard behaviour whenever she came into town and when he collected Allie from school he remained as distant as possible, engaging himself in conversation with whomever else was standing further back rather than coming closer to the schoolhouse. It made it difficult to find out what was going on in their lives but she was determined that nothing was going to change her determination to be involved, she would always find a way to tell Nathan what he needed to do when it came to raising Allie.

Rosemary had of course assured her that she was imagining things, that having watched her struggle so much after Jack's death everyone was simply turning their support towards Nathan, hoping that he too would find happiness in the way she had. But she could see that her friend didn't really believe the words herself and that she was merely trying to assuage her own guilt. After all, had it not been for Rosemary's encouragement then she may never have said yes to Lucas.

Her thoughts turned back to Nathan. His distant manner towards her was almost worse than if he had shown anger. She knew that she had done irreparable damage to her relationship with both him and his daughter. While she believed that over time she could gain back some of Allie's trust, it seemed that Nathan had no intention of ever speaking to her again. There was a coldness about him now, an icy barrier keeping her at a distance so that she was unable to read his thoughts or understand what he was feeling anymore. She wondered if he realised just how hurtful it was for her.

She had tried speaking to him again to explain what she meant by her words and that she was honest when she said she loved him. What she didn't tell him was that she wasn't in love with Lucas either but he was the safe choice, for her and Little Jack. He could never understand what it was like to lose the person who completed you, who meant everything to you. No-one else knew the depth of pain she had been through, how her heart had been ripped apart the day Jack died.

Reaching the steps of The Mercantile she could feel people's eyes upon her, almost the shaking of their heads as she passed. She knew what they were saying, their disbelief that a schoolteacher would choose to be with a saloon owner and gambler evident in the silence that surrounded her. Well it was nothing to do with them. I won't let them keep me down, she thought, lifting her head high as she took the first step. I am a Thatcher and whatever they think I will rise above it.

Nathan closed the door quietly behind him as he retreated into the Mountie Office, not wanting to have to watch Elizabeth Thornton any longer than was necessary. It was apparent from her demeanor that she was quite determined with her choice and despite constantly trying to explain it to him there was nothing she had to say that could change how he was feeling. The cruelty of her words still hung like a cloud in this office, so much so that he spent as much time as possible out on his rounds, where the memory of that conversation wasn't all around him and the pitying but kind looks of others didn't follow him wherever he went.

He had learnt a lot in the past six weeks, the biggest of which was that allowing your thoughts to fester without dealing with them led to sleepless nights and weary days. Now he was resolved, ready to make the decision that would end this, despite having fought against it for so long. Ultimately, Allie's happiness was the most important thing to him and he could no longer go on seeing the sadness in her eyes, the answer to her greatest wish having once more been dangled in front of her and then suddenly torn away. They had both known that feeling before and he wouldn't let her suffer any longer. Yet still she retained a shred of hope so if that meant removing Elizabeth Thornton from their lives then that was what he would do. He had resisted making this decision for so long but now it was time, however much it may disrupt the lives of those around them.

He had left Allie sleeping this morning, sending a note to the schoolhouse with Opal to say that she was unwell but he hoped she would be back tomorrow. He heard her up and about during the night, knowing that it was not only her concern for him that made her so restless but the betrayal she felt at how they had both been treated. How sad that he had to include a postcript to ask that she not be disturbed at home as sleep was what she needed the most today. He knew that otherwise Elizabeth would be knocking on the door, seeing that as an excuse to interfere in what was no longer any business of hers.

Looking back he could see it so clearly now, how foolish it was to believe that her interest in him was real. When she said that she had been using him to fill a hole in her life, to be a replacement for the husband she had lost, he could almost understand. Every time she looked at him she was seeing Jack Thornton, picturing him there in everything they did, each shared moment. Being together with him and Allie, watching his interaction with her son meant that the dream had never ended. In her mind he was interchangeable with Jack, giving her the life she had lost. But at what cost to them?

Sometimes he wondered if he had been doing the same, looking for someone who was no longer here. Needing someone beside him so that he didn't have to carry every burden of life alone, to help him forget the memories of what he had lost. Wanting to feel that happiness again, the shared looks, the touch of hands, the passion of lips pressed together. Everything that shouted out love.

He had lost so much in his life and with everything he had stood strong, burying his pain down deep in his core so that he could keep on going. His father's treachery still burnt within him, the sadness of a childhood spent soothing the pain it had caused his mother and sister. Trying to be the man of the house when he was still just a boy. Sweet Colleen, so bright and yet so naïve had been searching for a way out of a troubled life only to land in one that was even worse. From the frying pan into the fire. Dylan Parks had taken away one of the few good things in Nathan's life and yet he had also given him the greatest gift of Allie. She was the one constant, the only thing that had made each day worth living for so long. The reason he had kept going. The love that sometimes overwhelmed him when he thought he was failing her.

The pain hit then, although in truth it never went away. The memory of another face that had made his world light up each morning. After struggling through the hardest of times she had appeared, bringing a happiness that he had never believed was possible. Beautiful, smart and loving, Eleanor Woodward was the nurse at Fort Clay and from the moment Nathan met her he could think of nothing else. She was like a bright light that shone down on him, radiating a joy that he had never experienced before. Or since. When he had finally found the courage to admit that he loved her and she answered that she felt the same way about him, it was more than he could have dared to hope for. At last he was where he belonged, with the woman who completed him and who loved Allie as though she was her own child. For the first time in his life he looked towards the future with hope.

Then came the landslide and the chaos at the barracks as they rushed to save the men caught in it. He had joined in despite not yet officially being back at work. The training officer, Jack Thornton, was killed and others injured. They worked tirelessly, knowing that on the unstable ground there was a danger of further movement but determined to do everything they could to save their fellow Mounties. When the rumbling came again they hurried to clear the scene, moving the injured away from where they were being tended by some of the townspeople ready for transporting back to the infirmary, their nurse there in the midst of it all.

He closed his eyes then, trying to block out the memory before it came rushing back. But he could still see her face turned towards him as the wagon pulled away. So much love in her eyes and the faintest of smiles on her lips, just for him. And then her expression turned to fear as it lurched to one side and suddenly the wagon was gone, carried down the slope by mud and trees from above.

Nathan felt the tears on his cheeks, something that he no longer tried to stop. He had been numb for so long after, going through the motions of caring for Allie but wondering what was the point of carrying on. How cruel to make him think that he had finally found happiness just to have it so quickly snatched away. He transferred to Fort Simpson, unable to live with the memories all around him, and he and Allie made the decision to never speak of Eleanor again. The pain was much too great when they did. It was there he heard that the widow Jack Thornton had left behind was expecting a child and it suddenly hit him that perhaps this was what he was meant to do. How wrong he had been.

He had come here to protect Elizabeth and Little Jack but wondered if deep down he had been trying to find Eleanor in the woman who had also lost so much that day. Had he read more into her actions than what was actually there, misinterpreted the interest she showed in Allie to be a sign that this was where their destiny lay? That everything that happened before was for a reason and part of God's bigger plan?

It had taken Elizabeth's choice of Lucas and the words she spoke to him to make Nathan see that she was nothing like the woman he had lost. Nor would she ever be. Where Eleanor was considerate and kind, never wanting to hurt those around her, he now saw that Elizabeth had the selfishness of someone who had grown up with all the privileges that her family's wealth gave her. She believed that the world revolved around her and saw nothing wrong with that. She involved herself in other people's problems in the way those who feel themselves to be superior always do and yet she carried on without heed when people tried to advise her. For all her pretence she had no true empathy for those who had also suffered heartbreak in life, seeing her own loss as something that made her more deserving than anyone else, as though her struggle was different. In her mind she alone mattered. She used a child to ease her own pain, with no regard for the hurt she was causing. Nathan saw this now and it made him again ask the question that had remained unanswered since that day in Fort Clay. Why is it always the good people who are taken from us?

Walking with the appearance of a doomed man, Bill Avery crossed slowly to the Mountie Office, knowing that the conversation he was about to have was not one he wanted yet unable to argue that it was the right thing for Nathan to be doing. In fact, he was surprised that it was so long in coming after Nathan had told him of the last words he had with Elizabeth when she would not be dissuaded from her choice. Watching this man to whom he had become so close struggle had caused him sleepless nights as well. He knew the truth about Fort Clay but at Nathan's request had shared it with no-one. That was Nathan's story to tell when he was ready. Whether that ever happened in Hope Valley he didn't know.

When Nathan had been removed from the training exercises to recover from an injury, Jack Thornton was asked to take the assignment. He was only meant to be there for a few weeks but surprised everyone by volunteering to stay longer, relishing the time spent with fellow Mounties he had served with in the Northern Territories. He had written to Bill, explaining this was something he needed to do, find a way to bury once and for all the memories of that time before he started married life with Elizabeth. There was no question that he loved her but he knew that it was not always going to be an easy marriage, her privileged upbringing something she had never cast off.

Bill remembered the conversations they had after the pair returned from Hamilton, when Jack's brother and Elizabeth's sister had been in trouble. He had been angry with her and the way she insisted that the responsibility for everything lay with Tom. He was shocked by her implied attitude that because he was not of the same social standing then it had to be his fault and that Julie was an innocent victim in the whole episode. Bill knew this had never gone from Jack, leaving him questioning whether Elizabeth could ever change but always hoping that she would. The way she treated Nathan gave him the answer. That she used Allie in the way she did confirmed it.

He could see Nathan through the window of the office as he drew near, a determined look on his face as he stared towards the door waiting to deliver the words that Bill did not want to hear but knew were inevitable. He was sad, knowing this meant he was about to lose someone who had meant a lot to him. Elizabeth Thornton had so much to answer for but he wasn't sure she had the capacity within herself to ever understand.

Opening the door without knocking he stepped slowly inside, struggling to force his legs forward. Surprisingly there seemed to be an air of calm in the room, as though a weight had been lifted now that the decision had been made and it was just a matter of moving on to wherever that would now take them. "Nathan, you wanted to see me?" Indicating to the chair on the other side of the desk Nathan then sat behind it, a look suddenly passing between the two men as they remembered the early days of their time together when it had been a sore point between them about who sat where. Little did they know then how close they would become.

Nathan didn't bother with small talk, believing there was nothing further to say and that Bill was aware that he had given a lot of thought to what needed to be done. "You know that this has not been an easy decision for me to make and I am conscious that you will may try to talk me out of it but I have to tell you that it is too late. My main concern is and always will be Allie and I believe this is the best way for her, for me and, if I'm honest, I think it is best for everyone. Even Elizabeth. The letter has already been sent so there is no going back now."

Bill felt a wave of sadness wash over him, wanting to say something but not knowing how to respond. Ever since Elizabeth had taken up with Lucas he had feared this moment, realising that it was unavoidable but hoping that it wouldn't come to that. If only she had seen the foolishness of what she had done, ended it with Bouchard and apologised to everyone then perhaps forgiveness would slowly be forthcoming. But despite being approached from all those who had loved and cared for her and Little Jack she was insistent. This was the path she had chosen to take.

"You know I really had no choice, Bill. I couldn't stand back and watch this continue, not personally and certainly not professionally. And not as a father. Once they read my letter and hear the comments from the other parents then they will have no choice but to remove Elizabeth from her position now that she is in a relationship with a saloon owner. The guidelines are quite explicit in outlining how a teacher must behave and she has broken nearly every one of the rules. The trip to Union City with Bouchard was the turning point for most of the parents and once they made a formal complaint to Lee, which he then brought to me, there was nothing I could do but agree to act on it. There was no other way."

Nathan looked sad for a moment, wishing it had not come to this. But she must have known what the consequences of her actions would be, he reminded himself, and yet she went ahead. Perhaps that was her goal, to have the decision made for her. "Do you think she will go back to Hamilton now and take Bouchard with her?"

Bill nodded, "I have no doubt she will do just that. There is nothing left here for her if she cannot teach. At least there she will be able to live the sort of life she knew before, one that I believe she never entirely gave up wanting. As for Lucas, he may think it will offer him everything he has dreamed of but I have a feeling William Thatcher will be wise to him and things may not go quite as he hoped. Who knows if they will stay together after that."

Nathan agreed, feeling certain that the saloon owner would be found wanting by not just The Thatcher Family but all of Hamilton society and quickly sent on his way. "We can only hope that this will be a new beginning for Elizabeth and that she finally works out what she wants. That was never going to happen here as long as the memories of Jack were all around her. You may not believe me when I say I wish her the best but I really do. Everyone deserves another chance in life. I just have no desire to be a part of hers."

Deep down Bill knew that this was the only way for all of them to move forward. Whatever lay ahead for Elizabeth and Little Jack, her family would be there to help her find the right path to follow, whilst here in Hope Valley a new school teacher may be just what they needed to bring a breathe of fresh air into all their lives. Dare he hope that it may be someone who would heal the wounds in Nathan's heart? He said a silent prayer that perhaps it might.