Chapter 5 (Emi)

I am in my apartment, switching to my running blades. I don't normally go for a run in the evening these days, but I really need to clear my head.

I start my run, and try to process things.

It was really hard seeing Hisao like that today. I knew he was struggling with stuff that he didn't want to talk about, just like me, but I still didn't quite expect that. I didn't know he was hurting so much. Or that he was so hard on himself. That was especially heartbreaking. I was happy to help him think through everything, and to comfort him during such a hard moment. I think I helped. I think I was a good friend to him today.

But I was also a horrible friend. He opened up to me in a big way. Bared his soul to me. Showed me the part of him that is broken. It made me want to tell him about that part of me. That scared the shit out of me. So much that I canceled our plans and basically sprinted out of the room once I was sure he was okay. He invited me to go to an event where he could probably use some emotional support and I straight up turned him down.

This friendship is getting too real. It's already gotten too real. Why couldn't we just keep talking about every day life kind of things and running and eating lunch together? This is the point where he expects me to be open and vulnerable with him, but I don't do that. With anyone. I can handle my own stuff. I don't need to rely on anyone. I can't rely on anyone. I never have.

This is usually the point where I run away. I can just keep making excuses about why I can't have lunch with him, or run with him, until he gets it. Then I don't have to tell him anything.

But there's one thing he said that is making it harder than usual. What was it? He said that he was too scared to get close to anyone ever again, because he might lose them. That hit me so close to home.

Maybe he is someone I can open up to. It seems like he would understand me in a way no one else could. He understands grief, isolation, losing a loved one, the fear of loss, and depression just as well as I do. He's going through it all too. And he has been for years. Just like me.

Maybe he is the right person. I helped him today. It felt good. I want to help him more. Maybe he can help me? Maybe what we both need is a friend going through the same thing?

The fact I am even considering that must mean that he is the best friend I have ever had. God, that's pathetic. We've only been friends for three months and he might be my best friend ever? I should get us some matching bracelets.

I get back home and change out of my running blades and get in the shower, where I continue to think about my situation.

I can see myself actually telling him…everything. I am scared as hell, sure. But even the fact I can picture it is more than I can usually do. Normally I wouldn't be having an inner monologue about this at all. It would just be a done deal. Friendship over, on to the next one.

I get myself dried off and get in bed and stare up at my ceiling fan.

But…I want to be there for him tomorrow. I want to tell him about me. He'll understand. It feels right with him. Especially after what he showed me today. Maybe it's okay if I let him help me. I can do this.

I pick up my phone and type out a text to Hisao, "Good news! Turns out I will be able to go to the festival after all." But then I delete it and throw the phone to the other side of my bed.

I need to sleep on this. This is a big decision. There will be no going back if I decide to open up to him. If I still feel the same way tomorrow, I'll go to the festival and support him. And maybe even tell him what I never tell anyone.

—-

My alarm goes off, and I open my eyes to my bedroom, bathed in light from the sun. I can hear the birds singing. Do they have to sound so happy?

It is 7:30 a.m. I haven't slept this late in a long while. Hisao and I decided to take a day off from running because of the festival. He's earned it. I have truthfully been pretty impressed with his steady progress. He hasn't missed a day, and he is really improving his form. And his heart too, which is a lot more important.

Ugh, Hisao. As I become more awake, I remember yesterday's events, and the decision I'm struggling with. I'm still not sure what to do. I get up, put my legs on, and head towards the kitchen with a big yawn.

I curl up on the couch with my breakfast and try to distract myself with some crappy television. It isn't working. Maybe I should go for another run? I feel like I made some progress yesterday during my run, but now I'm feeling kind of horrible. My options are not good. I either have to be a horrible friend to Hisao – which basically means we'll eventually stop being friends or I have to do something that is the scariest thing in the world for me.

My phone beeps. It's Hisao. Of course it is.

"I wanted to apologize for being such a mess yesterday and dumping all of that on you out of nowhere. I could tell it freaked you out, and I can't really blame you. I know seeing such an exemplar of masculinity break down like that must have been a real shock."

I almost spit out my tea when I read the last sentence. Dammit, he knows just how to get to me, I can't help but reply.

"Yeah I normally expect to see a guy like you outside chopping firewood, out drinking with the guys, practicing martial arts, fixing cars or lifting weights in the gym. I never imagined I would see such a manly-man cry. 😊"

I think about what to say next. Whatever I say next is critical, because I do have to address his apology and the real issue at hand.

"You don't need to apologize. You're right that it made me uncomfortable, but that's on me, not you. You were just telling your friend what you were going through. I'm a little inexperienced when it comes to that kind of thing. I hope I helped a little despite my awkwardness."

"You did. Quite a lot actually. Thanks."

I try to psyche myself up. Okay. I'm going to do this. I have to. If I don't tell him I won't ever tell anyone. He's nice, understanding, and knows what I am going through better than almost anyone. It also doesn't hurt that I know he doesn't have the ulterior motive of trying to get in my pants. His concern is entirely authentic.

"So hey, that thing I thought I had to do today. I don't have to do it anymore. So I can meet you at the festival later after all. What time is the performance?"

"4 p.m. I'm glad you can come. See you there."

I put down the phone and sigh. I'm really scared about this. I'm going against what almost every fiber of being is telling me. But maybe that's a good thing. So far listening to my first instinct about things hasn't exactly been great for me when it comes to my personal life.

I can do this.

—-

I'm near the stage where the band is performing, looking for Hisao. I scanned the seats and the surrounding area, but I didn't see him. Maybe he isn't here yet?

"Hey! Emi!" I hear his voice but I still can't see him.

Oh, there he is, waving at me. He's sitting in the front row. I didn't even consider that that is where he would be for this so I didn't look. I guess it makes sense that they wanted him to sit there. I guess he is sort of a guest of honor.

I walk up to him and take a seat next to him. I squeeze his shoulder as I sit down.

"So…how you doing?"

"I'm okay. Now that I'm here and not ruminating about it I feel alot better. I'm even mostly looking forward to this. I think."

"Good."

Not long after the music teacher announces the short program for the day. The second half of the show will all be music that Saki wrote. If I'm being honest, I didn't even realize Saki wrote music until Hisao told me about it. But it's pretty cool she did something that everyone will remember. After a few songs have been performed, it becomes time for the Saki section of the program. I feel Hisao starting to shift nervously in the seat next to me as the music teacher approaches the microphone and begins talking about Saki.

"The next few songs were written by one of our most distinguished alumni, Saki Enomoto. She wrote dozens of songs that are now performed regularly throughout the world. She accomplished this despite having a rather difficult disability, so she is an excellent example of how our students at Yamaku can accomplish anything."

She bows her head solemnly, "Unfortunately, Ms. Enomoto's condition also caused her to leave us far too soon.""

Throughout this introduction, I can feel Hisao becoming increasingly tense. He has a smile on his face, but there's something…else behind it. It's like he's wearing a mask. Is that what I look like when I feel terrible but pretend everything's fine?

"However, her husband, who also happens to be our science teacher, is here with us tonight. Would you please stand Mr. Nakai?"

She gestures towards where me and Hisao are sitting. Hisao stands up. He's doing his best to smile, wave and maintain his composure, and I think it's working for anyone who doesn't know him. But I can see that he is just putting on a show.

The music teacher bows in our direction, "Thank you so much for coming. I hope you will enjoy the performance. Your wife was an amazing woman, and we are happy to honor her tonight. Think of this as a small gift to honor your late wife and the major contributions she has made to music, and the inspiration she is to so many students today."

Hisao sits back down, and looks relieved this moment is over. He glances over at me. I give him a confident nod to tell him he did a good job.

The band starts performing Saki's songs, and Hisao actually looks genuinely happy as he listens to the performance. I suppose he probably knows all of her music, and is enjoying hearing it back here at Yamaku. It probably brings back good memories for him. He's probably quite proud of her. The music does sound quite good, though I know very little about this kind of thing.

The last song is performed by just three members of the band. Two violins and a piano. It is pretty amazing that Saki wrote all of this stuff by age 28. I'm in my mid-30s now and I haven't done anything even close to as impressive. She really was incredible.

I look over at Hisao when the last song ends. He's applauding, and he's still smiling, but I can see tears forming in the corners of his eyes before a few trickle down his cheeks. That last song must have been really special for some reason.

I lean over and say "That was really good. I'm glad I came. You did a really good job getting through this."

He smiles at me and wipes away the few tears that he shed.

"Thanks for coming."

The music teacher announces that the performance is over, and people start to leave. Hisao remains seated, so I do too. Once everyone is gone and the band is putting everything away, he walks up to the stage to talk to one of the girls who performed. Probably the one who is in his class.

"Matsui. That was a very good performance. She…would have liked it. Pass it on to your fellow performers."

It is amazing that he has the fortitude to do that after all the grief I saw in him yesterday. He got choked up a little bit, but for the most part he sounded quite confident. I guess it probably helps that she is his student.

"Th-thank you sensei. That means a lot c-coming from you. Thank you for coming."

"I'm very happy I did. Have fun at the festival. See you on Monday!"

He turns around and comes back to where I'm seated.

"So, what's the plan?" I ask.

"Well, I need to make an appearance at my class's stall. They actually happen to be serving takoyaki and gyoza, so we can get something to eat. After that, we can do whatever."

"Sounds good. You know I'm ready to eat." I say as I wink at him.

He laughs and leads the way to his class's stall. I don't know when I'm going to tell him everything tonight. But I know I'm going to.

—-

We're sitting at one of the tables eating some delicious food prepared by Hisao's class.

"Wow, this is surprisingly good. I feel like it is way better than any of the festival food from back in the day."

He nods in agreement, "I agree. I'm actually quite impressed. I'll have to find out who did the cooking."

We finish eating and clean up our trash. It is now late evening, with the sky starting to turn orange.

"Where to next?"

"I dunno. Do you have any interest in the games?"

"Sure, that could be fun."

We spend the next hour or so playing all sorts of games. We try the shooting gallery, ball throwing, and darts. I win more than he does, which is satisfying. But he seems to be having a good time too.

Eventually we decide to get something sweet for dessert. So we get some ice cream and take a seat on a bench near the goldfish game.

"This has been really fun, I'm glad you ended up being able to come."

"Me too."

"You know, I only ever got to come to this festival once before since I transferred in a week before it happened, and I was only here that year. It was really special, though. Its…where I first spent some significant time with Saki. It was the first time I ever saw her perform. She was working at the goldfish game booth that day. She actually really liked fish. She secretly had a tank in her dorm room." He laughs, then sighs. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to reminisce so much. Between the concert and the goldfish game I'm having a hard time not thinking about that day."

"It's…okay, Hisao. I want you to be able to talk to me about this stuff. You..clearly need to. We're friends. And I…like learning about you. Getting to know you. So its fine." I manage to get the words out, but they don't sound very confident. Even that took a ton of effort. I'm kind of dizzy now.

He gives me a thankful nod.

"It is probably getting close to the firework show. Where should we watch them from?"

"I actually know the perfect place! I watched all the fireworks there when I was a student."

"You're…going to say the roof, aren't you."

I wink at him, "How did you know?"

"Just a hunch!"

—-

When we get up to the roof, we are surprised to see that no one else had the idea.

"Huh…that's weird…maybe students actually follow the rules these days?" Hisao says with a laugh.

I scoff, "Kids these days. They need to live a little."

We sit in the corner where me and Rin used to eat lunch as we wait for the fireworks. Is…this when I should tell him? We're alone. It's quiet. He just opened up some more to me about Saki…it feels like the right time. Just as I have gathered enough courage to do it, I hear a loud pop and light fills the sky.

We watch the fireworks together in silence. All the while I'm distracted, trying to figure out how I'm going to say what needs to be said. Eventually the fireworks are over, but I was lost in thought the whole time.

After the last firework, Hisao gets up and dusts himself off. "Shall we?"

"A…actually Hisao would you mind staying up here a little bit longer? I…need to tell you something. Or…more accurately a lot of somethings."

"Sure" he says as he sits back down.

His interest is clearly piqued. He looks curious, but also a little concerned and a little confused. Oh God, does he think I'm going to confess to him now? I better get this started before things get more awkward.

"I…have a lot I want to tell you. But I'm also really afraid to tell you. So I'm…just going to spit it all out. Do me a favor and don't interrupt, or I might lose my nerve."

He nods.

I talk while I look out over Yamaku, with my back to him. I don't think I can make eye contact with him right now. "First, I'm…really sorry for how I behaved yesterday. You told me about your grief and everything you're dealing with, and it really scared me. Hisao I… never do that. I never open up to anyone. I never share my innermost feelings. Hell even my mom has to work super hard to get me to talk about that kind of thing. So, seeing you do it scared me. Because seeing you share your feelings so openly made me want to do the same. That's why I canceled our plans and bailed on you, once I thought you were okay. I…I didn't really have anything planned today. I just wanted to run away from the situation. I'm glad I overcame it and managed to be here for you today, but even that took a lot."

I take a deep breath.

"One thing you said yesterday really sticks out to me. You said you were afraid to ever get close to anyone ever again, because you were afraid you will lose them. Well, Hisao, you're looking at someone who has felt that way ever since she was a little girl. I don't recommend it. It is a lonely life. I don't think I've ever had what most people would call a close friend. I've never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a month. I push everyone away when things get too real. That's what I tried to do to you yesterday." I feel tears starting to well up inside of me, but I have to get through this.

"Hisao, I've never really talked about this with anyone. And the fact that I am comfortable doing it with you is something very special. That's how I know you're…my best friend. The best friend I've ever had. I've never talked about any of this with anyone. Not even Rin. I know that's pathetic, since we've only really been friends for three months. But apparently, that's how it is. You just said so much yesterday that made me realize that you're the right person for me to talk to about this. W-we are dealing with similar issues, I think you could say."

I force myself to turn around and face in his general direction, but look at the ground because I still can't quite work up the courage to look at him.

"W-when I was 11, I was in a car crash. Complications from my injuries are why I lost my legs. B-but th-that w-wasn't the w-worst th-thing that h-happened to me that day." My lip is trembling. Oh no, here comes the tears. I gather myself and manage to maintain my composure, at least briefly.

I quietly say "I also lost my d-dad. I still miss him every day. I still hurt every day." The second I get these words out, what little composure I maintained is gone, and I start sobbing uncontrollably. I collapse on the ground in a heap. I put my head between my legs and cry like I haven't cried in a long time and I've never cried like this in front of anyone.

After a few seconds I feel Hisao come sit on the ground next to me. He hugs me and rocks me until I'm done crying. Like I did for him yesterday. Eventually, I feel some relief from the pain I just shared with him.

Once I've calmed down he says, "Emi, I had no idea. That's…really hard. You've been dealing with this for more than 20 years all on your own?"

I look up at him, "Pretty much, yeah."

"Well, it means a lot that you felt you could tell me. I'm glad you did. You had some really good insights about stuff when I was so upset yesterday, and now it all makes sense. We're both struggling with grief."

I nod at him, "Yeah, that's what I realized yesterday. That's why I had to tell you. I feel…so much better now that I did." I smile at him.

"Yeah, I had a similar feeling yesterday. What do you say we get up off the ground so I can give you a more proper hug?"

We get up and he puts his arm around me, I rest my head on his chest for a few moments before we break the hug.

"I'm glad you came back to Yamaku, Hisao. This friendship is…it's very special, and important to me, especially after the last two days."

"I'm glad we're friends again too. It has been really nice. And I guess it turns out we have more in common than we thought."

"Alright, enough with the sappy stuff Nakai. It's getting late, and we have to run in the morning! Let's get the hell off this roof."

He laughs, "Sounds good to me."