Chapter 9 (Emi POV)
I can't sleep, so I'm out on a late night run trying to clear my head.
Why did I go on that trip with him?
Before today, I was pretty sure about everything with Hisao, and perfectly content with how things were. I didn't have any doubts about how I felt. Not one.
Then, one day at the beach has me pretty sure that I'm falling for him. Goddammit Chisato.
After the…sunscreen incident, I did my best to act normally. But I know I wasn't, because I was doing things I never do. I was watching him a lot more, watching his face whenever he looked at me, or smiled at me, trying to see if I could discern anything.
If he didn't notice, Chisato did. She shot many knowing looks my way any time Hisao said something to me, or any time she caught me looking at him. That smug, crafty bitch. How did she know before I knew, anyway?
Well, that's easy Ibarazaki. You've never been in love, You've never really had a best friend. You've been feeling how you're feeling, and you knew it was something new and special, but you didn't know what it meant.
Chisato did exchange numbers with me before we parted ways. I did actually enjoy spending time with her, despite the confusion she implanted in my mind. I may need to talk to her about this stuff. Actually, now that I think about it, I think she must want me to talk to her about it. She seemed pretty damn insightful about romance today, that's for sure, and she knows Hisao really well. And she apparently wants us to get together.
God, why did I go on that trip?
Hisao and I talked and laughed during the whole drive home, the way we usually do. He mostly told stories about hanging out with his friends at Yamaku, since seeing them today made him think about that a lot. He was really lively and happy to share that stuff with me. He told a lot of funny Saki stories too.
I hope he isn't the kind of guy who has a physical type. Saki was tall and had big boobs. If that stuff is important to him, I've got no shot. He doesn't strike me as that type of guy, but you never know.
Why am I even thinking like that? This is bad. This is really really bad. He still misses her so much and he has told me numerous times he has no interest in romance. I can't tell him I'm feeling this way. I won't. I don't want to lose him entirely.
I'm going to take my time with this. Maybe it will pass? Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and everything will go back to how it was before? Either way, I know I shouldn't rashly confess to him. The consequences could be massive if I'm not careful about this. I need to sort stuff out. I'm going to continue to monitor how I feel when I'm around him, and I'm going to pay special attention to see whether I see any signs he is feeling anything himself. Unless I see something, I will probably never tell him.
—-
Hisao beats me to the track next morning. I didn't sleep so well, so dragging myself out of bed took some effort. But I made it.
"Hey Emi, you ready to run?"
"Isn't that my line?"
Okay, so far, so good. Feels like any other morning run.
We both go about our morning run. These days I usually run alongside Hisao for his laps before doing my own thing once he's done. He can get to a good enough pace that the exercise is plenty good for me too. Today though, I find myself stealing glances at him while we run.
He has really grown to love running. I can tell because he has a determined smile on his face when he does it, instead of the grimace that he wore for the first couple of months. His form is also on point. He looks…great. And I don't just mean because his running has improved. He's a really good-looking guy. I've always thought so in an objective sort of way. But now that I'm really looking at him in this moment, when he's running with that smile on his face, I can't help but really take it in.
Goddammit. I guess I didn't sleep this thing off.
Shit. I think he just noticed me looking at him. Don't blush Ibarazaki. Don't blush. Just keep running.
He's done with his run, but I think I may have an awkward conversation waiting for me when I get done.
"Emi, was there something wrong with my form today? I noticed you kept looking at me."
Shit not only did he notice the time I thought he noticed, but he noticed other times too? I'm not nearly as stealthy as I think.
"Hm? Oh, I was just checking your form. It looked good, but you could stand to relax your shoulders a little more."
He nods, taking in my advice as if I didn't make it up on the spot. Crisis averted.
"Oh. Okay, I'll give that a shot next time."
"So did you have fun at the beach yesterday?"
"Yeah, it was nice getting some sun and seeing those two again after so long. It seemed like you and Chisato really hit it off, you were talking a lot."
"Yeah, she's a lot of fun. Really funny too."
Don't ask me what we talked about. Don't ask me what we talked about. Don't ask me what we talked about.
"What were you guys talking about anyway?"
Goddammit. Oh, you know. Just that maybe I'm in love with you. No big deal.
"Oh…you know, just…girl stuff."
He's…definitely not going to buy that one. I'm not exactly the biggest girly girl, and I haven't really engaged in a conversation I would call "girl stuff" very many times in my life. He knows this about me. Was that really the best you could do Ibarazaki?
He looks at me a little suspiciously, and for a moment I think he's going to say something, but he doesn't. Luckily we don't have a lot of time to keep talking, we both have to go shower and get dressed for work.
"Okay then. Well, we gotta get going. See you at lunch! What did you bring today?"
Oh. Today was my day. I completely forgot. Maybe because I'm so damn distracted.
"Err, I actually forgot. Sorry. We'll be hitting the cafeteria today, hope that's okay."
"Yeah, it'll be fine. It won't kill us to eat there once in a while, right? Okay, see you then, have a good morning!"
"You too."
I watch as he runs off. Well…that could have gone…worse I guess.
—-
I'm out for another late night run, because this Hisao thing won't leave my mind.
Its been about a week since the beach, and any time I'm around him now I find myself thinking about how attractive he is. I also watch him like a hawk to see if I can see anything that might indicate he's feeling the same as me. I haven't really seen anything.
Maybe this is just a crush? Yeah, that's it. Crushes go away, right? The only problem is that there is something much deeper underneath those feelings. We've been friends for quite a while at this point. And he knows me. Really knows me. Better than anyone. I feel so close to him. He means so much to me. There's…an emotional bond bundled up with this crush. Doesn't that mean…it isn't just a crush?
As I'm nearing the end of my run, I wince a bit as I feel some pain from the area just above my right prosthetic. Shit. I know that pain a little too well.
When I get back to my apartment and inspect my leg, it is as I feared. I have a small cut. Probably a result of all this extra running I've been doing at night to try to clear my head.
I carefully clean the cut. It isn't too bad, I probably got it early enough that I won't have a big problem. I will have to check it again in the morning.
—-
The next morning I take another look at my cut and sigh. If I try to run on this, there's a pretty good chance I could end up needing a wheelchair for a bit. As much as I hate not running, I hate the idea of being stuck in a wheelchair even worse. At least this way I can still walk.
I make my way to the track that day, more than a little dejected. Hisao looks confused when he sees I don't have my usual outfit on.
"Good morning, everything okay?"
I sigh. "Not really. I have a cut on my leg, and it's going to keep me from being able to run for a little while."
Hisao gets a very concerned look on his face, sits down next to me and puts his arm over my shoulder. I lean into the contact more than I normally do, settling in the side of his chest. He doesn't seem to mind. I love that he cares enough about me to know how big of a deal this is for me, and that he wants to comfort me.
"That's awful. You don't have to come out here and watch me run, Emi. For you I imagine that would be as bad as watching someone eat your favorite food right in front of you, without you getting a single bite."
"You have now accurately described my two worst nightmares, Hisao." I giggle.
"No, but it's fine. I'm your trainer right? I should be here. It should just be a few days. When I was younger, and stupider, when this kind of thing happened I would usually just try to power through it. But I ended up in a wheelchair on more than one occasion because of it."
"Wow, now that sounds like your worst nightmare."
"It was pretty awful, and not at all worth it. This way I can still walk, and I will be able to run again soon."
I can see Hisao has something on his mind. He is looking off into the distance, with a furrowed brow. Usually if I just don't say anything, he gets there on his own.
"Saki hated wheelchairs too. She ended up needing one for awhile because she fell back when we were students here. Luckily she didn't need one again for awhile, but…"
He pauses and grimaces, clearly remembering some hard times.
"...eventually her condition got bad enough that she needed one. It was really hard on her…especially near the end."
"I'm…sorry Hisao, here I am complaining about having to be in a wheelchair for a few days and…I should have thought about that."
He shakes his head, as if trying to free himself from the sad memories.
"It's okay. Your experiences with them matter too. I'm glad you're not dumb anymore and won't have to use one." He laughs.
"Gee, thanks."
"Well, I guess I better get out there, huh?"
Only now does he break contact with me. That was much longer than we normally do something like that, especially when neither of us is having a mental breakdown. But it was still over too soon. I wonder why it was longer, though? That's the closest thing I have had to a sign so far.
I watch Hisao do his run, and feel kind of bad because I can see him trying extra hard to relax his shoulders like I told him the other day.
He really does look good when he runs.
—-
I'm up late again, tossing and turning. No late night run for me tonight since I can't freaking run. I probably shouldn't even go for a walk if I want this cut to heal quickly.
I really need to do something.
I sit up in bed, frustrated at the world. I grab my phone. Maybe I'll text Hisao? He might still be awake.
No, we don't normally text like that. I don't want him to suspect anything.
I look at my phone for a while longer. God, I can't believe I'm about to do this. But maybe talking to someone about this will help me sleep. Something like this would have been unthinkable awhile ago, I guess it is good that I am opening up to more than just Hisao.
I scroll through my contacts and select Chisato, and type out a message and hit send.
"You were right, and I kind of hate you for it. 😊 "
Not long after, my phone rings. Of course she's the type who wants to talk on the phone instead of just texting .
I let out a frustrated sigh and answer the phone.
"Hey, Chisato."
She responds so loudly I have to hold my phone several feet from my ear.
"DOES YOUR TEXT MEAN WHAT I THINK IT MEANS?"
"You aren't even going to start with a pleasant greeting? Also, please don't yell in my ear."
"Mitsuru just told me I was being too loud too. Sorry, I was excited. Anyway, spill it."
"Well, ever since our little talk on the beach I have been pretty sure I'm in love with Hisao. So, thanks for that, I guess."
"Isn't that a good thing?"
"I'm…not sure it is. I don't think he feels the same way."
"How do you know, though?"
"I just do, Chisato. He still really misses Saki, he has mentioned before that he has no interest in romance, and I have basically never seen him look at me the way guys that are into me look at me."
"...I notice you only said 'basically' about that last part. Does that mean it might have happened once or twice?"
"Well, at the beach after you talked to me, I was overthinking every little thing, and I thought I might have seen me look at me a little differently, but I don't have much confidence about it."
"He was definitely checking you out at the beach."
"You're saying that with a lot of certainty. Don't get a girl's hopes up, Chisato."
"Okay fine, but I am pretty sure I saw him looking at you at the beach. More than once. I can't say for sure what he was thinking, but it wasn't how he looks at me, I know that much."
"Okay well, I guess that's good information to have. I wasn't the only one who thought I saw something."
"NOPE!"
"Come on Chisato! Too loud again!"
"Sorry. So, are you going to confess to him?"
"I…don't know. I think I am working towards it. I just…I really don't want to ruin our friendship. I'm worried it could scare him away if he doesn't feel the same way. So, I'm sort of…gathering intel at this point, trying to see if there's anything he does that might indicate he sees me as more than a friend."
"Has there been?"
"Other than the day at the beach? Not really. Today he kind of hugged me longer than normal, but I think I'm splitting hairs."
"Well, that seems like a good strategy I guess. Keep me posted. I will let you know if I hear anything."
"Please don't ask him what he thinks about me or something that obvious."
"Okay, okay fine. I won't say anything to him about you. But if he does bring you up, I will let you know if there is anything interesting.
"That sounds more reasonable. Chisato, can I ask you something?".
"Sure."
"Why do you want me and Hisao to get together so badly?"
There's silence for a few seconds.
"I think I just…want my friend to be happy. After hearing about how close you two have gotten, and after seeing you together the other day, I have no doubt in my mind that you can give that to him. I know he is already doing a lot better than he was. But I think if you two could get together, he'd be even happier. Like he was before. He's been through so much. He deserves it. As much as anyone."
She pauses to sniffle a bit. She must be crying a little.
"I want you to be happy too. I know we don't know each other that well, but you said the other day that you two have some similar experiences, and I can't imagine you were talking about the good ones. Hisao is a great guy, you're a great woman. I think you'd be great together. It really is as simple as that."
She has me choking up a bit now too. Amazing how she can go from rambunctious teenager to wise adult in no time at all.
"That means a lot. Well, thanks for talking through this with me. If nothing else it was really good to get it off my chest. I can't exactly talk about this with the usual person."
"No problem. I'm around if you ever want to talk again. I'll be rooting for you."
"Thanks. Tell Mitsuru I said hi."
"Oh, he's been listening to this entire conversation. Hope you don't mind! He's rooting for you too."
I laugh, "Okay, thank you to you both. Goodbye."
Yep, I think I'm starting to like her. She made me feel like there is a slightly better chance that he sees me as something more than a friend. But really, just talking about it made me feel so much better. That's something that Hisao showed me.
I think I'll sleep fine now.