I WANT YOU TO SEE THIS
Today and all of your days
I'll wear your pain
Heal what I can in your troubled mind
Sometimes our bodies will hurt for some time
And the beauty in that can be hard to find
I want you to find it
Girl, SYML
"Joel, wait." Ellie said softly, her eyes tracking as Joel turned to stare at her with curiosity. "Fuck." she muttered under her breath when she met his eyes, tenderly looking at her, waiting for her to say whatever she needed to.
From the moment she had woken up in the back of a car, with Joel driving them back to Jackson, Ellie knew something wasn't right. Maybe it had been her own disappointment for failing at making a cure, or the fact that none of her stuff had been with her, not even her clothes, or maybe it had been the look on Joel's face as he told her his version of what had happened, the way he avoided looking at her, the way his voice broke for a second as he spoke, as if he had been crying. Whichever had led her to think whatever he had told her was a lie didn't really matter. He was right there, in front of her, looking at her with such fondness and expectation, and she knew that if she didn't ask right now, she never would. She would live with that doubt forever, with this uncomfortable feeling at the nape of her neck telling her that he wasn't being honest, that it couldn't all have been for nothing.
"Back in Kansas City, you asked me about the first time I killed someone." she started, looking down at how her feet touched the grass instead of facing him. Ellie knew she couldn't look at him, because if she did she didn't believe she'd be able to tell him this without crying, and she needed to not cry so badly right now. After a few silent seconds, she continued. "When I got bit in the mall, I-I wasn't on my own. My best friend was there..." she sniffled, roughly scraping the sleeve of the shirt on her face, trying to wipe away the tears. "and she got bit, too."
She heard as Joel held his breath, knowing exactly what was coming next, and Ellie took a quick look at his face before continuing. She didn't want to continue, she didn't want to talk about this at all. About Riley, about Tess, about Sam, about everyone she had loved and lost. She just wanted to get to Jackson, take a warm shower, eat a nice meal, and fall asleep in a safe place, and most of all she wanted Joel to be with her. But she couldn't, not yet, not before learning the truth.
"We didn't know what to do, and she says, 'We can just wait it out... be all poetic and just lose our minds together'." Ellie continued, the words coming out of her mouth faster than she could think. The image of Riley taken by the fungus - jumping on her, hurting her - invading her brain in flashes. " And then she did. And I had to..."
She didn't finish, both because she couldn't and because she didn't have to. Joel knew exactly what she'd had to do, the sorrow and compassion in his eyes saying more than words ever could. Ellie knew he understood. He had lost people too, he'd had to kill people he cared about too. In this broken world she was born into, everyone met the same fate eventually, either pulling the trigger or being by the end of it.
"Her name was Riley... and she was the first to die." she confessed, her eyes staring blankly at her fingers, as she nervously picked the dead skin of her cuticles and pulled them. "And then it was Tess. And then Sam."
At the mention of them, Joel started shaking his head, desperately trying to get her to stop and listen to him. She was just a kid, a kid who had seen more than she should have, a kid who had been born into a world that tried to break her every single day, a kid who had been burdened with a responsibility that shouldn't be hers at all.
"That's not on you." he said firmly, his eyes trying to keep her gaze as he spoke, trying to tell her without any words that this wasn't her fault, it wasn't her burden to bear.
"I know, but..." Ellie started protesting, trying to find the words to explain to him exactly what she meant with that.
It hadn't been her fault that they had gotten infected, and she was aware of that despite the overwhelming sense of guilt that washed over her every time she thought about them. But they were constant reminders that if she didn't do something with her immunity, if they didn't find a cure, it would keep happening to the people she loved, and maybe one day it would happen to him, to Joel, to the first and only person who had made her feel safe and taken care of. And she couldn't live with that, she couldn't live with the unbearable and paralyzing fear of ending up alone, not when she could help stop it from happening.
"Look, sometimes things don't work out the way we hope." Joel says, taking a few steps towards her and looking her deeply in the eyes, the way he had so many times before, allowing her to see through him, through all the hurt, and violence and grief that overwhelmed him. "You can feel like... like you've come to an end... and you don't know what to do next." he stumbled over the words, taking a deep breath and a quick, but saddened, look at his broken watch, the one Sarah had fixed for him.
Joel was not good with words, especially when it came to talking about his emotions, and Ellie had known him long enough to know that. Whenever he tried to talk to her about her feelings, he'd end up blabbering and saying empty words that he wanted to imbue with meaning. But they never needed many words. Not when she could tell how he felt just by looking at him, not after all this time, after everything they had gone through together. And maybe that's how she knew he had been lying.
"But if you just keep going" he continued, her eyes darting back at him as she remembered their conversation in the car, on the way to KC: 'you keep going for family', he had said. "You find something new to fight for."
It wasn't time that did it.
The words echoed in her brain, suddenly coming to light. Is that what he had been trying to tell her? That despite all the shitty things that had happened to him, it had been worth it to just keep going? That she had been the one thing he'd found that gave some sense to his life? Was he really telling her that she was the reason he kept fighting? Was that the reason he was lying to her?
"And maybe that's not what-" he started, but she cut him off, taking a decisive step forwards, towards him, making him look at her with confusion and concern.
"Tell me the truth." Ellie asked, her tone firm and her eyes fixed on his, trying to read his expression. "Tell me the truth about what happened at the hospital, with the Fireflies."
Joel froze for a second, his eyes slightly widening at her words, his lungs forgetting how to inhale and exhale as he read her cold and determined expression. She looked so much older in that moment than she'd looked ever since he had met her, like the weight of the world had finally taken a toll on her. Her eyes, once full of light and joy as she told a silly pun or made snarky comments, were dark and serious, and anyone who looked at her in that moment could tell that she had seen more than most people do in a lifetime. The sight broke his heart once again, like it had been breaking since the day he had found her disoriented and covered in someone else's blood in Silver Lake. She was only fourteen, and despite his failed attempts to keep whatever was left of her innocence, of her childhood, the Ellie that stood before him demanding to know the truth barely resembled the child he had met in the QZ.
Ellie knew he had lied, and there was no point denying it anymore. Joel knew the moment he had made the decision to take her away from that hospital that this moment would come, that eventually she'd see through him and question his decision, question his story. He just didn't expect it to be so soon. He hated lying to her, more than anything, and he knew how much she hated being lied to, and a part of him wished he hadn't lied to her at all. But whether it was the fear of her knowing exactly what he did to the Fireflies and seeing just how violent and cruel he could be, or the fear of learning that she would have made another choice (the one he couldn't live with), Joel was terrified of this moment.
"How do you know that what I told you wasn't the truth?" He asked after what felt like forever, looking down at his feet to avoid her gaze. He couldn't bear seeing her look at him differently.
"Call it a hunch..." Ellie said quietly. "Or maybe I just know you too well by now. Or I just don't want it to be true. I don't know, man..." she looked up, shaking her head slightly. "But I need to know, Joel. Please."
Joel closed his eyes and sighed heavily, every fiber of his being screaming at him in fear. He wanted to tell her she didn't have to know, that she didn't have to worry about it, that he could carry alone the weight of the crimes he had committed that day, that whatever had happened, whatever he had done, was for her own good, even if he had his own selfish reasons. But he knew she wouldn't accept that. With Sarah, he had been there since day one, making decisions for her when she was either too young or too immature to make for herself. And Sarah had trusted him, her whole life and until her last breath, to make the best decisions for her, because he was her father and all he wanted was what was best for her. He had earned her unconditional trust because he had been there every step of the way. Ellie, on the other hand, had lived fourteen years without a single parental figure. She had learned, since the beginning, that she couldn't trust anyone but herself, that no one had her best interest at heart but herself. And while Joel knew he had earned her trust somehow, it wasn't unconditional, and she still valued her autonomy more than anything, because she didn't know how to let herself be taken care of. As much as, looking at her, all he could see was a kid, his kid, it wasn't as simple for her. He had been a father once, and while for the longest time he had thought those feelings had been buried with Sarah, once he'd accepted how he felt about Ellie, it had all come back to him: the protectiveness, the concern, the unconditional love. But Ellie had never been a daughter, she had never known what that meant, she had never experienced the warmth that came with the conviction that no matter what there would always be someone looking out for her. And when it came to her immunity, to finding a cure... She had crossed the country to do it, seen and done terrible things in the name of it, and now he understood why it meant that much for her.
"Okay..." Joel finally said, nodding a little before looking back at her. "What's the last thing you remember?"
"After they ambushed us and took you away, Marlene found me and put me in a hospital room. She was surprised I had made it there." Ellie recollected, her brows furrowing as she tried to remember the details of that conversation. "I wanted to see you, but she said you were still unconscious, and that they needed to run some tests." she continued, watching as Joel closed his eyes for a moment, trying to maintain his composure. "I was a bit scared, I wanted to know if you were okay. But then she started telling me about my mother, and this doctor came in and said they were ready to run some tests. He gave me a pill and that's the last thing I remember."
Joel clenched his jaw, a sudden wave of anger hitting him as he realized the extent they had gone to to make sure Ellie didn't know what was about to happen to her. They had lied to her, they had drugged her, and they were going to kill her without even a warning, without even asking if she was scared. He could feel his heart starting to race, the image of an alternative universe where he had not woken up in time starting to form in his mind, the hollowness and the pain he knew all too well starting to creep into his chest. He shook his head and blinked a few times, trying to push away the panic attack he could feel coming. He couldn't afford to panic now, not when she was standing in front of him, wide eyed, waiting for him to be honest with her. So he took a deep breath and glanced back at her.
"When I woke up," Joel started, his voice coming out hoarse as he struggled to keep his emotions at bay. "Marlene was there. I asked to see you, but she said I couldn't because you were-" he stopped, his voice failing as he remembered the fear he had felt at Marlene's words when she had told him Ellie was in surgery. His mind had gone everywhere, wondering what she could possibly be in surgery for, how badly she had been injured by the fireflies that had found them. He had no idea then it was far worse than that. He saw as Ellie frowned, clearly aware of the terror in his eyes, and he swallowed hard. "She said you were in surgery."
Ellie blinked in confusion, her brows furrowing even deeper as she tried to apprehend what he was telling her. She didn't remember Marlene telling her about any surgeries, or even hinting that she might need one eventually. All they had said was that they were going to run some tests, that they needed to collect some blood samples from her and get some scans done. And then they gave her a pill and... Her face went blank at the realization. They had drugged her. Whatever they had given her wasn't really just a medicine people needed to take before scans. That's why she didn't remember anything. They had drugged her and taken her to some surgery. But why wouldn't Marlene tell her that? Why would she lie? After everything she had told her about her mom, about the promise she had made to her mother the day she had been born, why would she lie to her?
"What surgery?" Ellie managed to ask, her eyes falling back on Joel's face. She could see how it hurt him to talk about it, his face contorted in a painful grimace, his eyes gleaming with unshed tears, his lips tightened in a straight line. Whatever had happened was bad, it was written all over his face, and she was hurting him by making him relive it, she knew. There was nothing she wanted less than to make him relive a traumatic memory, she knew how much that hurt all too well, but she couldn't put the pieces together without him, she needed to hear it from him. "What surgery, Joel?"
Joel sighed heavily, closing his eyes for a few moments before looking at her again.
"Marlene... She had a theory about why you were immune. Well, her, the doctors, doesn't really matter." he explained, his eyes studying her brown irises as they went from confused to curious at the mention of her immunity. "She knew your mom apparently. Marlene, I mean."
"Yeah, she told me." Ellie interrupted. "I was born, she got bit, she gave me to Marlene, end of story. What does this have to do with their fucking theory?"
"Well..." He frowned, unsure of how exactly to tell her about this. It felt too intimate, too personal, like something that should have been shared only between her and her mother, Anna. But Anna was dead, and if Marlene's theory was, indeed, correct, that woman had done everything in her power to keep Ellie safe, to keep her alive, and the kid deserved to know that. "That's not exactly how it happened, apparently. Marlene thinks Anna, your mother, lied to her that day." Joel continued, watching as Ellie grew more and more confused. "She thinks she was bit before you were born, but lied about it so that Marlene would take you. She thinks... They think you were in contact with cordyceps when you were born. Not enough to infect you, but enough to ensure that when you got bit... Well, the fungus recognized you as cordyceps. So you didn't..."
"I didn't turn into a fucking monster." she completed, her eyes staring at the nothingness as she processed the story he had told her. "Why the hell would she lie about that? About when she got bit. Why would she lie?"
"What?" Joel asked in a second, instinctively, without clearly understanding the question Ellie had asked and the cold and genuinely confused tone of her voice.
For him, it seemed impossible to have any doubt about Anna's motivation, because if it had been him in her place he would have done the exact same thing. But a short glance at Ellie's closed and confused expression reminded him of the obvious: in the world they lived in (the world Ellie was born in), survival instinct was the only thing they knew, and even when it came to family, often self-preservation won over love. It hurt him to know that Ellie couldn't understand why her mother, before she died, had tried to protect her. It hurt because it showed how alone she had been until that moment, how independent she had to be.
"Ellie..." he whispered softly, fighting off the instinct of approaching her and holding her close to his chest, where he knew she'd be safe, where he knew she'd be able to feel how loved she truly was. "She lied to protect you. Do you really think Marlene and the Fireflies would've taken you with them to Boston if Anna had told them the truth?"
"I don't suppose so..." Ellie replied, looking down at her fingers as a wave of shame, which she couldn't tell exactly the source, hit her.
She wasn't stupid, she knew what family was supposed to be like, not because she had ever experienced it, but because as an orphan in the QZ it had always puzzled her. She remembered reading, in comics or novels, about how much parents are supposed to love their children, and how much children are supposed to love their parents. She remembered kids, who had just lost their parents, being taken into the FEDRA military school, how empty and hopeless they seemed, like they had lost something they could never replace. And she remembered Riley, how she used to tell her stories about her family, about how it felt like to belong to someone, to something greater than all of the shit going on in the world, how sometimes she'd cry herself to sleep because she missed her mom and dad. Ellie knew all about that, and it all sounded beautiful, and painful too. She had seen the damage that it did to have something like that and lose it, and even though she'd never admit it out loud, she actually thought she came close to understanding it when she almost lost Joel. But whether or not she had loved someone like that, she could not fathom the idea of someone loving her like that, of someone going to such extreme extents to protect her, to make sure she was safe. She had never been anyone's daughter, and as much as a part of her wished for some time now that she'd been Joel's daughter, the words he had said to her the last time they'd been in Jackson were a constant reminder of the fact that she wasn't, and was never going to be ("You're not my daughter. And I sure as hell ain't your dad"). So to imagine this complete stranger, who had given birth to her, choosing to lie about such a huge thing in order to protect her sounded completely foreign and improbable.
"What does that have to do with the surgery though?" Ellie asked after a moment of silence, her brown irises searching Joel's as she regained composure and questioned him, once again, about what had happened.
"Like I said, they believed you had grown with cordyceps in you..." Joel reiterated, sighing heavily. "Marlene said they thought that if they removed it from you... They could try to replicate it, and distribute it. And that's why they'd taken you to surgery..." he explained, wishing he didn't have to complete the reasoning for her, hoping the knowledge FEDRA school had given her about the fungus was enough for her to understand what that meant, because he didn't know if he could say it out loud again without throwing up.
"Remove it?" she asked in confusion, her eyes searching in Joel's expression for the answers to the thousand questions that had formed inside her brain. "How would they remove it? I mean, I'm not a fucking expert but..." Ellie questioned him, genuinely unable to put two and two together as she tried to understand how they'd be able to do what Joel had described. "I thought cordyceps grew in the brain."
"It does." Joel replied in a broken voice, closing his eyes for a second and clenching his jaw so hard it started to hurt, in an attempt to try and hide the mix of anger, fear and revulsion that he felt.
Ellie stared at him for a second, her brow furrowed in a clear sign of confusion as she tried to read between the lines of what he had just stated, her brain collecting all the information she had and organizing it in an attempt to understand what Joel wasn't saying, what he obviously couldn't bring himself to say. Marlene and the scientists believed that she was born with Cordyceps inside her, they had told Joel that they wanted to replicate it to create a vaccine, to replicate it, they had to remove it. Cordyceps grew in the brain. Oh. Cordyceps grew in the brain.
"They were going to kill me." She whispered, more to herself as the realization washed in than to Joel, her voice barely making it out of her mouth as she dragged her fixed and glassy eyes from the floor to Joel's face. What she found in his eyes, filled with a mix of anger and terror, was more than enough confirmation of her hypothesis.
They had tried to kill her. She took a couple of disoriented steps backwards, her hands reaching for a branch as she stumbled on the roots of a big tree, her back falling against the trunk. Ellie could see Joel move in her direction, ready to catch her if she needed it, but she couldn't focus on the image in front of her. Her vision had gotten blurry, tears she hadn't felt coming glossing her vision, and she could feel her increased heart beat echo on her ears, a ringing sound accompanying each beat. They were gonna kill her without telling her. She could hear Joel's muffled voice saying something, calling her name, but she couldn't focus on deciphering his words, she couldn't focus on anything. She felt sick, like she hadn't felt since that day in Silver Lake when she had seen a human ear from her cage, when David had climbed on top of her in the burning restaurant, when he had touched her. Ellie didn't have time to process her thoughts before her body gave in to the panic, and she barely had time to kneel on the grass before she heaved, everything she had eaten that day (which hadn't been much) leaving her body in an attempt of cleansing it.
She could feel Joel's gentle hands holding her hair back, rubbing her back as she continued to hurl whatever was left in her stomach. It had become somewhat a habit for them after Silver Lake, whenever she couldn't keep food down at the slightest memory of the severed ear and ended up throwing up. At first, she had been afraid he'd get annoyed eventually, knowing terribly well that in the world they lived in they couldn't afford to be picky about what kind of food they ate, and definitely couldn't afford the luxury of not eating meat when their bodies were already severely malnourished. But he had never said anything, had never asked questions when she refused to eat meat, and had rubbed her back and held her hair back every time she couldn't keep it down, whispering kind words and sweet nicknames that no one had ever used with her before. It had felt nice, having him take care of her, but not now. Now it felt like treacherous hands touched her, and as soon as she felt stable enough to move away from his tender touch, she did, sitting down a few feet away from the pile of vomit she had left on the ground, too shocked to care about it.
"What did you do?" Ellie asked, faintly, not having the courage to look at him.
"Ellie..." Joel said, hesitation and concern as audible in his voice as the birds that chirped somewhere in the trees around them.
He didn't want to tell her about it for so many reasons. For one, he was ashamed. While he knew she was aware of the fact that he wasn't a particularly good person, and had seen him kill a fair share of people during the time they'd spent on the road, admitting to the carnage he had promoted back in the hospital was mortifying. He didn't want her to see him like that, to be afraid of him, of what he could do. He remembered Sarah's horrified expression on outbreak night, when he had killed their neighbor without a second thought, and he never wanted Ellie to look at him like that. Other than that, he had no idea how to put into words exactly what had happened, when he couldn't even remember it clearly himself. He had been so panicked, so afraid, so dissociated from reality, that he had barely registered as he left a trail of bodies behind him. At the time, he hadn't even known if she was still alive, and he couldn't feel anything, he just knew he had to find her.
"What did you do, Joel?" she asked again, bringing him back to the present with the intensity of her tone. She looked hurt, betrayed, her arms wrapped around her knees as she sat as far away from him as possible while still being able to keep a conversation. He hadn't expected her to truly understand, but her reaction to them trying to kill her had made him think that maybe, just maybe, she'd at least logically understand what he'd done.
"I stopped them." he said, finally, his voice shaking with emotion.
Ellie's breath got caught up in her throat, a sound that reflected the mix of shock and agony that she felt leaving her mouth without her consent. She knew what stopping people meant in Joel's dictionary, she had seen it happen many times, and she had actually enjoyed it a few times as well, reveled in how violent he could be when it came to defending her, to keeping her safe. But this time there was no relief at the thought, no comfort, just a deep sense of betrayal, as if he had stabbed her in the back.
"Stopped them? By slaughtering everyone in your path? Is that your idea of stopping them, Joel?" Her eyes filled with tears, reflecting a mix of anger, disappointment, and a profound sense of loss. "They were the only ones who could do it, Joel! They were going to make a cure! We could have found a way to save everyone!"
Joel's heart sank, realizing the depth of Ellie's pain. He had hoped that she would understand, that she would see it as a necessary evil to protect her - because that's the only way he could see it- but he had underestimated her capacity for empathy and compassion, and overestimated her own survival instinct.
"I... I know it's hard to understand, Ellie," Joel began, his voice trembling. "But they were going to kill you. They were going to kill you based on a hunch, without a second thought, without even telling you."
Ellie wiped away her tears, her gaze now fixed on the ground. "So you decided my life was worth more than everyone else's? That's not fair, Joel. My life could have fucking meant something." Her voice wavered, a mixture of anger and sadness.
"Ellie..." he let her name slip out of his lips with such sadness and agony, unable to hide how much pain those words inflicted him. "Ellie, your life means something. Cure or no cure. I couldn't just let them take it."
"What if it was what was meant to happen all along?" she asked, her voice barely above a whisper, as she considered the thought herself for a moment.
The fact that they had tricked her, drugged her and lied to her definitely didn't please her, and the thought of them undressing her, touching her without her consent and putting her in the OR bed as if dragging a lamb to its slaughter was scary and sickening. But after everything that had happened in her life, all the pain and suffering, everything she had gone through to get there, everything she had done, all the people she had direct or indirectly hurt... Maybe, just maybe, it was always meant to end that way, with her dead.
"What if it worked?" Ellie continued, turning her eyes to Joel again, another wave of anger hitting her as her mind played with the possibility. There could have been a cure, she could have saved the world, she could have saved Joel, and Tommy, and his wife and his unborn child, and everyone else from the ever permanent danger of being infected. And he had taken that from her, and from everyone else. "I should have died in that hospital, and it would have been for something!"
"Please don't say that..." Joel begged, his voice trembling. He couldn't bear to even consider the possibility of letting her die in that wretched place. To hear her tell him that he should have let those people kill her made him sick to his stomach, and to know that she valued her life so little cut him deeper than a knife.
"But it's true!" she yelled, her head resting on her hands and she shook it, before looking at Joel again. "I was already living on borrowed time, Joel. I should have died so many fucking times and I didn't! God, I should have died the day I was fucking born! Can't you see it?" Ellie asked, her brows furrowed in a sign of distress as warm tears fell down her cheeks. She could see how much her words hurt him and a part of her kept telling her to stop, but she was too angry and hurt to let herself listen to it.
"My mother died, and I didn't. Somehow I survived. And then I got bit, and Riley died, and I didn't! I fucking survived! And then Tess and I got bit..." her lips trembled as the memories of her and Joel leaving his partner to die washed over her. "And she died, and I didn't. And then Sam. And then you almost died. And he almost killed me." she flinched as she mentioned David, her breathing getting erratic as she got up on her feet again, walking towards him with her fists clenched. "And it was supposed to be because of this goddamn cure, but now you took that from me!"
She punched him weakly on the chest with her fists once, and he didn't move, and she knew he was letting her get the anger out on him if that's what she needed. Somehow, that made her angrier, the fact that he was so ready to let her punch him, slap him, hurt him, if that made her feel better. She was angry, and she wanted him to fight her, yell at her, anything to let her know that he was angry too. But all she could see was a defeated man in front of her as she threw frail punches at him and sobbed.
Joel stood there, taking every hit that Ellie threw at him, not because he deserved it, but because he knew she needed to let out her frustration. He could see the pain and the anger in her eyes, and he knew that nothing he could say or do would make it go away. All he could do was let her hit him until she was ready to stop. It helped him too, in a way, every punch feeling like the externalization of the pain he felt at the words she had said.
Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, Ellie's energy waned, and she slumped against him, sobbing. He wrapped his arms around her instinctively and held her close, feeling her tears soak through his shirt. "I'm sorry, Ellie," he whispered into her ear, "I'm so sorry."
He wasn't sure what he was apologizing for. He was definitely sorry for lying to her, for causing her pain, for taking something that meant this much to her. But he wasn't sorry for having saved her, for keeping her alive. He knew that given the chance, he would have done it all over again, would have killed every single one of those people again if it meant she got to live. He wanted her to know that, needed her to know that, but couldn't even bring himself to form a coherent sentence in his mind, let alone phrase it out loud. So he just continued to whisper saddened apologies as he held her, one hand on her back, rubbing gentle circles on the fabric of her shirt, and the other on the back of her head, stroking her hair.
Ellie didn't say anything, but she didn't pull away from him either. They stood there for a while, holding each other, until the tears stopped and the sobs became quiet sniffles.
"What now?" Ellie asked finally, her voice hoarse from crying.
Joel pulled away slightly to look at her, his hand still on the back of her head as he sighed heavily, weighing the options that laid ahead of them. "I don't know." he admitted, letting his hands fall to his side as she pulled away, staring at him with a mix of defeat and expectation in her eyes, which were red and swollen from the tears. "I don't, I don't expect you to forgive me... And if you don't want me anywhere near you, I'd understand." he continued, his voice breaking as he considered the possibility of them parting ways, of him never seeing her again. "Tommy would definitely take you in. Jackson would be a safe place for you to live, and if you want me to go-"
Ellie cut him off, shaking her head. "No," she said firmly, stepping closer to him. "No, I don't want you to go. I don't know if I can ever forgive you, but I can't just walk away from you either. I don't want… I don't want you to leave."
Joel's heart swelled with relief and gratitude at her words. He had been prepared for the worst, for her to tell him to leave, to never come back, to abandon him just like he had abandoned her trust. He took a step closer to her, tentatively reaching out to touch her arm. She didn't pull away, so he continued, his hand sliding down to hold hers.
"Are you sure?" he asked, wanting to make sure that she wasn't saying that out of obligation or pity. He was prepared to have her hate him for the rest of their lives, so long as she was alive and breathing and he could be there to watch her grow.
Ellie nodded, tears still shining in her eyes. "I'm sure," she said, squeezing his hand. She wanted to say 'I don't know if things can ever go back to the way they were, but I can't lose you too', but instead she just swallowed hard, hoping he would understand what she meant.
Joel did understand, he could see it in her eyes, feel it in the way she held his hand. He knew that things would never be the same again, that there would always be a rift between them, a wound that might never fully heal. But he also knew that they had something special. They had a bond that went beyond words, beyond reason, beyond everything else. It was a bond born out of survival, out of loss, out of love. Joel didn't know how to even begin fixing things with her, but he knew he loved her, he knew it so clearly now, and he could only hope that one day she might be able to understand that what he had done had been out of love, purely and simply.
He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around her once more, holding her close, feeling her warmth against him. "I won't leave then," he promised, his voice barely above a whisper. "I'll be here with you, for as long as you want me to."
Ellie nodded against his chest, feeling the weight of his words, the sincerity in his voice. They stood there, holding each other, for a while longer, the sun setting behind them, casting long shadows across the grass.
Finally, after what felt like forever, Ellie pulled away from him, wiping her tears away with the back of her hand. "Okay," she said, her voice stronger now, more determined. "Okay, let's go then."
"Yeah," Joel said quietly, nodding. "Let 's go."
"Lead the way," she said, a small smile playing on her lips, contrasting with the sadness painted on her brown eyes. Joel returned the smile and reached out to take her hand, interlacing their fingers as they began to walk towards the gates of Jackson again.
Joel sighed heavily as he watched Ellie climb up the stairs of the house Tommy and Maria had prepared for them. She had barely said a word since they'd arrived earlier in the evening, and while she had basically stayed glued to his side from the moment they entered the gates until Tommy helped them settle in the house they had stayed in the last time they had been in Jackson, he could still feel the tension from the argument they'd had earlier that day. The words she had said were still burning in the back of his head, and even though he was reassured to know that she still wanted him around (and that's more than he thought he could ask for after what he'd done) it still pained him to see her that silent, that distant. As soon as they'd entered the house, she'd mumbled something about getting a shower and going to bed, and had marched upstairs without taking a look back.
"You wanna tell me what happened to you two out there?" Tommy asked, bringing Joel back to the present. "I gotta say for a while there I actually thought I wouldn't see you again, brother."
Joel let out another sigh, running a hand through his hair as he tried to gather his thoughts. "So did I, actually." he confessed, turning his gaze to face his brother, who looked at him with a mix of concern and curiosity. "We went to the University, following your lead. There were no Fireflies anymore when we arrived. We were ambushed by a group of hunters, and one of them managed to stab me."
Tommy's eyes widened in shock, and Joel instinctively brought his hand to his side, where the stab wound once was. "Fuck! Are you alright now? How bad was it?" he asked, leaning forward in his seat.
"It was bad. Really bad." Joel said, wincing at the vague and blurry memories of the days they'd spent in that basement, him coming in and out of consciousness while Ellie tried her best to take care of him. "I was bleeding out, told her to come find you. But she refused to leave."
Joel didn't remember much from those days, the pain and the fever too intense to allow him to make sense of the events, but he remembered her stitching him up, remembered feeling her head on his shoulder, her hands on his chest, remembered their fingers intertwined, and remembered the panic of waking up to find her gone, knowing something bad had happened to her.
"She did her best to patch me up, it was a close call." he continued, watching as the expression on Tommy's face went from shock to compassion. His brother knew very well that he blamed himself for what had happened, and knew him well enough to guess that Joel felt like he had failed Ellie. "She had to do it all alone. Stitch me up, find shelter, food, water, medicine. And that wasn't even the worst part of it."
Tommy leaned in closer, his face serious. "What do you mean, Joel? What happened?"
Joel paused, his mind going back to the moment when he had found her, stumbling out of the burning restaurant, her face splattered with someone else's blood, wearing someone else's clothes, the look in her eyes one of complete and utter terror. "She ran into a group of people... They," his voice caught up in his throat, and he closed his eyes for a moment before continuing, the images of the bodies hanging in a room behind the kitchen making him feel sick all over again. He had been so afraid to find her among those. "They were eating people, Tommy."
Tommy's expression turned from concern to horror as he listened to Joel's words. "Jesus, Joel," he whispered, his hand covering his mouth as he tried to process the information, his eyes turning to the stairs that Ellie had climbed just a few minutes before. "Are you telling me that Ellie saw... that she... she saw people being eaten?"
Joel sighed, unable to bring himself to look at his brother, feeling the failure hit him like a wave like it had been since that day, every time he remembered her horrified face, her weak punches, her screams. "I don't know exactly what she saw. She won't talk about it. But I can't even imagine what went through her mind when she realized what was happening."
Silence fell between the two men, both lost in their thoughts. Joel knew that what Ellie had experienced would haunt her for a long time (and the constant nightmares where she would wake up screaming were a reminder of that), if not forever, and he couldn't help but feel responsible for putting her through that. He had promised to protect her, to keep her safe, and yet he had almost died and left her alone in a world where people ate each other and terrorized little girls. He had failed her, again.
"All I know is I was late." Joel whispered, a lump in his throat as he tried to breathe. "She needed me and I wasn't there. When I found her she was all over the place. She was covered in someone else's blood." he continued, closing his eyes in disgust at the memory. "Whatever she had to do to get out of there... It wasn't pretty. She shouldn't have had to do any of that, I should have been there."
Tommy placed a reassuring hand on Joel's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze. "Hey, don't be too hard on yourself, brother. You couldn't have known what was going to happen. And Ellie made it out alive. That's what matters."
Joel let out a bitter chuckle, shaking his head. "I don't know, Tommy. Sometimes I feel like I'm only delaying the inevitable. That one day, I won't be enough to protect her. That one day, I'll fail her for good. Maybe I already have."
Tommy leaned back in his seat, studying Joel for a moment before speaking. "What are you talking about, Joel? What else happened?"
"We found the Fireflies in Salt Lake City." Joel said, his voice barely above a whisper, his eyes scanning Tommy's expression, watching as it grew into a mix of concern and interest. After all, they had left Jackson on a mission to get Ellie to the Fireflies so they could make a cure, save the world, and Tommy was bound to ask about that eventually.
"And?" Tommy prompted, his eyes focused on Joel, waiting for him to continue.
Joel took a deep breath, the weight of his words heavy on his chest. "They were going to kill her, Tommy. Cut her open and take out her brain to study it or whatever. They didn't care about her life, they just saw her as a means to an end."
Tommy's eyes widened in shock, his hand instinctively clenching into a fist. "What? That's insane. They can't just do that. What the hell did she say about that?"
Joel shook his head, his own anger starting to boil inside him as he remembered Marlene's words. "They didn't tell her." he stated, looking over at his brother to find him as incredulous as he had been himself. "They drugged her, and they were just going to kill her without her knowing."
Tommy sat back in his seat, his expression a mix of anger and disbelief. "That's messed up, man. They were going to kill a kid without her even knowing why. Did Marlene know about this?"
Joel nodded, his jaw clenching as he spoke. "She's the one who told me."
His brother let out a low whistle, shaking his head in disgust. "I knew the Fireflies were a little sketchy, but I never thought they'd take it that far." he took a quick look at Joel, whose fists were clenched. He knew something more had happened, or Joel and Ellie wouldn't have made it back to Jackson. The Fireflies wouldn't just give up and let them go home. "So what did you do, brother?"
Joel took a deep breath, his mind flashing back to the moment when he had made the decision that would change both his and Ellie's lives forever, feeling the weight of his actions on his shoulders. "I couldn't let them do it. I couldn't let them take her away from me" he said, his voice heavy with emotion. "So I...I killed them. Every last one of them. And then I took Ellie and we left."
Tommy's eyes widened, his hand flying to his mouth and his body leaning forward as he tried to comprehend what Joel was saying. "You... you killed them all?" he repeated, his voice barely above a whisper.
Joel nodded, his eyes locking with his brother's. "I had to, Tommy. I couldn't let them kill her."
Tommy leaned back in his seat, his eyes locked on Joel's. He had only seen his brother like this once before, so haunted and broken, and that had been after he'd lost Sarah. He knew that Joel had always been willing to do whatever it took to survive in this new world, and both of them had done things they regretted, bad things. This, however, was something else entirely. He didn't know what to say, how to react. It was all too much to take in. He knew his brother had done it out of love, he could see it painted on his face, but he had still murdered countless people.
For a long moment, there was silence in the kitchen as Tommy processed everything that Joel had just told him. He could see the pain etched on Joel's face, the guilt that he was carrying with him.
Finally, he spoke, his voice low and measured. "You did what you had to do, Joel. We've both done things we're not proud of, things we wish we could take back." He paused, taking a deep breath, calculating his words before speaking. "If it was my kid, I would have done the same."
Joel looked up, his eyes meeting Tommy's. He could see the understanding in his brother's face, but it wasn't enough to give him some peace of mind. It didn't erase the fact that Ellie hated him for having taken her choice, or the fact that she was prepared to make the choice that would kill her in the first place. And he didn't know what hurt more.
"She doesn't see it that way," he whispered, his voice filled with sorrow. "She would have done it, Tommy. Told me I should have let her die. She hates me for saving her."
Tommy let out a heavy sigh, his eyes softening as he looked at Joel. "I'm sure she doesn't hate you, Joel. She's just trying to process everything that's happened. Give her some time, she'll come around." He paused, reaching across the table to lay a comforting hand on his brother's shoulder. "You did what you had to do. You kept her safe, you kept her alive. And maybe one day she'll understand that too."
"I hope you're right, Tommy," he said, his voice barely above a whisper. "But I'd rather have her hate me for the rest of my life than let her die in that hospital."
The younger Miller nodded in understanding, his hand still resting on Joel's shoulder. "I know, Joel. I understand." he said, trying to offer some comfort to his brother.
Tommy had seen his brother lose a child before, he had seen as he tried to take his own life after Sarah had died, and he knew that he couldn't survive losing another one. While Joel had never said it out loud, confessed how he felt about Ellie, it had been clear as day to Tommy since the moment he laid eyes on the duo. After Sarah, he thought he had lost his brother forever, and he had been right for a good part of the last twenty years. But then he had seen him around Ellie, the way he looked at her, took care of her, the way he laughed at her jokes, smiled at her. Ellie probably didn't even know, but she had brought Joel back, the real Joel. And Tommy knew that if she had died in that hospital, there was nothing and no one that could bring Joel back from it. He was sure of it.
"We'll figure it out." He promised, giving Joel's shoulder one last comforting squeeze before getting up from the chair, grabbing the jacket that lay on the kitchen counter. "I'm gonna leave you to rest, big brother. We can talk more tomorrow, there's a little someone I'd like you to meet."
Joel's eyes widened at the words, and a small smile appeared on the corner of his lips. He and Ellie had been gone for months now, it was expected that when they arrived Tommy's kid would have been born already, but he hadn't mentioned it until then and Joel's mind had been so busy that he'd forgotten to ask.
"So the little one is here?" he asked, trying his best to show how genuinely happy he was for his brother. The last time they'd talked about it his reaction hadn't been the best, and he felt bad about it.
Tommy grinned, nodding as he shrugged on his jacket. "Yeah, she arrived a few weeks ago. She's beautiful."
"I'm sure she is," Joel said, his voice filled with warmth. "Congratulations, brother. I can't wait to meet her in person."
Tommy grinned wider, a look of pride on his face. "Thanks, Joel. I can't wait for you to meet her either." He paused, his expression turning serious for a moment. "Get some rest, okay? You and Ellie both look like you could use it. We can talk more tomorrow."
Joel watched as his brother left the kitchen, the door closing behind him. He was left alone in the quiet room, his mind still reeling from everything that had happened.