Chapter Note: Reimagined from 14x04 - Acceptable Loss

Chapter Two

Amanda Rollins

~oOo~

Amanda stares at the house with an unwavering intensity, almost as if she can see what lies within. Unfortunately, what she imagines is probably not far from the truth, not when she's well aware that they've returned a trafficked, traumatized woman to the lair where her pimp and other abusers await. She feels sick to her stomach, knowing that there is nothing they can currently do.

'It kills me we gotta wait out here like this,' she murmurs, glancing over at Olivia, who already has her cellphone to hand.

'Not for long,' Olivia says from the driver's seat, conviction coloring her tone as she dials the precinct. 'Captain. Amaro rode back with Fin — Rollins and I are outside the location. We'll sit on it while you get the warrant.'

It's late at night, and Amanda is doubtful any judge is going to pick up the phone until the morning. She sinks lower in her chair as she registers exactly how she'll be spending the upcoming hours.

'Okay,' she sighs, staring out the windscreen and tilting her head back, mentally preparing for a long night ahead. As a detective, she can feel the itchiness under her skin desiring action and immediate resolution, but she shoves that down deep and clings on to her patience.

An uncomfortable silence descends on the vehicle as Olivia hangs up the phone once more.

Of all the team members of SVU, Amanda has struggled the most to build a proper connection with Olivia. Some of it she can recognize now as a clash of personalities, of two people who approach cases with different experiences, techniques, and expectations. When she had first moved from Atlanta to New York, she had been running from both her trauma and her addiction, building the toughest walls around her to shut out the pain, to avoid being hurt again as she had done in the past. It had made her prickly, switching between her sweet Georgia persona and a more abrupt, sharp-tongued colleague who was happy to say what she thought, even if the words stung. For some reason, Olivia managed to catch the brunt of it. In return, Olivia wasn't much better, spending the first few months after Amanda's arrival within her own fortress of solitude, quick to snap, uninterested in getting to know the 'green' detectives more than Cragen demanded.

She's never admitted as much, but it hurt Amanda, to receive such a cool welcome from a detective whose cases she had studied closely during her time as a rookie in the Atlanta Sex Crimes Bureau. She had marveled over the Olivia Benson and her partner, who had such a high conviction rate and an impressive ability to dance circles around their perpetrators.

'Well, I just—I—I just wanted to let you know I'm really happy to be here,' she had stuttered out when first meeting Olivia. 'I, um, I've studied a lot of your cases. I used some of the stuff you did on the Brown case—the—the infant homicide.'

In fact, she had poured over the Brown case for hours, learning not only the details inside and out, but more importantly how the Benson-and-Stabler duo had managed to ensnare their suspect and tease out a confession.

It hadn't mattered however, because Olivia was not interested in talking to the new transfer at that moment — only to push on with her case and brief the Captain.

Amanda has let that go now, though. Firstly, because despite everything, they do have a better understanding of each other now. And secondly, because she's accepted there's nothing superhuman about Olivia, and that's not a bad thing — rather, Olivia is just a detective trying to do her best, day in and day out,the same as the rest of them.

They've never had a chance to become friends though, perhaps because Amanda and Fin are thick as thieves, and perhaps because Olivia and Nick have settled into a close partnership that works easily, with no space for Amanda to jump into the middle. She wonders sometimes how Nick managed to weasel his way into Olivia's good books, but if there's a tiny part of her that's jealous of the friendship he's struck up with her, Amanda will never admit to the truth. Besides, Nick may be great, but he's not going to recreate the Benson-and-Stabler dynamic that Amanda had hoped to see when she moved to Manhattan.

Yet, now that Cragen has paired them together, with Olivia and Nick seemingly at odds, Amanda is determined to make the most of this opportunity.

If only she can think of a way to break the awkward silence lingering in the car right now...

Olivia's phone lights up from a text message. Amanda tries very hard not to glance sideways at the screen as Olivia types out a rapid response, despite her inner inquisitiveness urging her to read it sneakily from afar.

Within seconds of Olivia pressing send, her phone lights up again, but this time from a call.

'Do you mind?' Olivia asks, her face slightly apologetic. At the shake of Amanda's head, Olivia shoots her a small smile before answering.

'Hey,' she says, her voice low and softer than Amanda has ever heard before, outside of talking to survivors. 'I didn't mean you needed to…Yeah, I know. I wanted to send Lizzie my apologies for not being able to attend tonight.'

Amanda can hear a man's voice from the other end of the line, although she can't make out his words no matter how much she strains her ears to listen.

'No, I know she'll understand,' Olivia continues. 'But this performance is important to her, so…I'll message her too, just wanted you to pass on my love. I'll get extra tickets for Saturday to go see it then.'

It seems as if Olivia has been holding out on the team — or at least on Amanda, because whoever is on the other end of the line is clearly someone near and dear, and most likely a…boyfriend? Amanda blinks, surprised, and then wonders why she hadn't expected Olivia to be in a relationship. But there haven't been many obvious times where Olivia has embraced having a personal life at all, let alone a dating one, and perhaps Amanda had taken solace in the fact that all the rest of the team, bar the already-married Amaro, all struggled with finding someone who understands the work, the hours, and the nightmares.

'Mmhmm,' Olivia murmurs to the unknown person. 'Mmhmm. Yes, of course you can come again with me. No, I don't think I'll be home tonight at all, so I'll see you tomorrow instead…Yeah. Oh yes, fresh clothes would be nice. Grab whichever. I'll text you when I'm back at the precinct.'

At this point, Amanda has given up pretending to do anything else than follow along to Olivia's side of the conversation, and she doesn't allow her expression to show embarrassment when Olivia catches sight of her and raises an eyebrow.

'Take care,' Olivia wraps up the conversation and hangs up. Her tongue presses upwards for a second, as if she wanted to say something more emotional, perhaps professing love, but clearly she isn't willing to be quite that vulnerable in front of an audience.

Amanda wonders if they know each other well enough for 'girl talk' whilst on a stakeout, or if Olivia will shut down any follow-up questions.

'My partner,' Olivia breaks the silence, and Amanda is thrown slightly by her willingness to offer up an explanation.

'I thought I was your partner, now Nick and you have broken up?' she asks in a light tone. Olivia laughs, the sound loud in the enclosed car, but Amanda feels a smile spreading across her own face in response. She isn't sure she's heard Olivia's full laugh before — they haven't exactly had many chances to be lighthearted on this job.

'My boyfriend, I guess,' Olivia clarifies, although her lips twist in distaste at the word. 'I don't know, feels strange calling him that. He's always just been my partner, long before Nick or you, I'm afraid.'

Amanda lets out a groan of despair.

'How do you find time to date?' she wonders out loud. 'Properly, I mean, rather than casual hook-ups. Can he even understand the difficulties of what you see and do? How do you even trust a man, working this job day in, day out?'

Her questions are perhaps too revealing of her own mental state of mind, and she snaps her mouth shut. There's wistfulness warring with jealousy inside her — a desire for her own partner, her own person to call up when on an all-night stakeout, with promises of clean clothes, and apologies for missing some family event.

'I trust my partner,' Olivia says easily, her eyes focused back on the house they are meant to be watching. The words feel familiar somehow. 'There are good guys still out there, Amanda, and I'm sure you'll find one too. But yes, he understands the job. He's a detective as well.'

Amanda can't help but glance at her skeptically, but decides better than to get into that sort of argument. While she has Olivia in a bonding, sharing mood, she's going to capitalize on the moment.

'What's his name?' she asks curiously. 'How long have you two been together? How did you meet? What sort of detective is he?'

She's firing off questions now, yet halts when she registers the fact that she hasn't even given Olivia the opportunity to respond.

'His name is Elliot,' Olivia begins.

Amanda squeaks, then claps a hand over her mouth.

'Elliot Stabler?' she demands. 'As in, Benson-and-Stabler, Elliot?'

Olivia's good mood seems to be fading, a frown crossing her face, and Amanda curses herself silently for being such a damn fangirl, rather than her usual more reserved persona.

'Look, whatever rumors you may have heard about us,' Olivia says, her voice serious. 'Know that the NYPD is full of gossips, who say bullshit and don't know anything. I'd rather not talk about any of it.'

Amanda knows all too well how much police officers like to spread personal rumors — how damaging it can be to a female officer's reputation even more so than anyone else, how cruel the rumors can become, how isolating it is to stand alone while others judge.

'Sorry,' she says quietly, looking back towards the house herself, so Olivia can't see her expression. 'I wasn't meaning any rumors. It's just…I studied some of your cases before I transferred, back when I was a rookie SVU Detective in Atlanta. You made for an impressive partnership, considering your conviction rate and techniques used.'

There's another minute of silence, and she decides internally to keep her words to herself next time. Her and Olivia are clearly destined not to bond too much, and that should be fine…not everyone on the team needs to be extra close.

'The Brown case, right?' Olivia asks. 'I remember you mentioning, on your first day.'

Amanda is impressed that she can recall such a thing, considering how distracted she had appeared at the time.

'Yeah…' she agrees. 'I used some of your techniques from the Brown case to catch a perp myself. Would love to pick your brains about it further.'

Olivia smiles again, this time slightly wistfully.

'It was El who came up with that approach,' she reflects. 'He knew the man's history, recognized how we could play it. If you want, I can put you in touch with him…I'm sure he'd love to discuss it further with you.'

It could be a brush-off, or it could be a hand reaching out in friendship. For once, Amanda decides to remain optimistic.

'I'd…like that,' she admits. 'The psychological side of criminals has always intrigued me.'

'Never thought about becoming a criminologist?' Olivia probes, making an effort to keep the conversation going. Amanda wrinkles her nose at the idea.

'Nah, I like the thrill of the job too much.'

Olivia nods in agreement.

'We've only been together a couple of months,' she says suddenly. 'Elliot and I, I mean.'

Amanda allows her eyes to stray away from the front door of their target, to apply her full attention to the conversation.

'I figured…' she starts, and then stops.

'That it was for much longer?' Olivia asks, a slightly bitter look on her face. 'Yeah, lots of people think that. But no, his marriage broke down long before we tried anything. He was going through a rough period, after leaving the unit and losing his family, and I guess we simply…waited until the time was right. Besides, he has five children, and we didn't want to rush anything for them.'

'Five kids?' Amanda blurts out, her mouth hanging open in horror. 'How did he manage to produce so many..?

It was the right question to ask, because Olivia launches into a description about each of his five children, explaining their personalities and achievements as proudly as if she was their own mother, including Lizzie of "the performance being missed" fame.

That stakeout ends up bringing them closer than Amanda had hoped for, and even later, after the case is finally resolved, she still thinks back to that conversation with a smile.

The topic of Elliot hasn't been brought up again, although if Amanda was a gambling sort — and unfortunately, she very much is — then she would bet that Fin at least must know the details. She isn't sure about Amaro, but doesn't want to risk asking in case she's sharing details that are not hers to share.

Olivia hasn't raised the topic of discussing the Brown case further either, so Amanda simply figures she must have forgotten all about it. Understandable, considering the circumstances.

But a couple of days later, an unknown number buzzes her phone.

'Hello Detective Rollins,' the message reads. 'This is Elliot Stabler. Liv said — and I quote — that you were interested in "nerd talk" about the Brown case. Happy to catch up and discuss.'

She stares at the message for a moment, surprised.

Perhaps she really will be meeting both halves of the Benson and Stabler duo after all.