Fractured Fan Fiction

The Three Little Pigs

Remember the story of The Three Little Pigs? One with the straw house, and the others too? Well, we're in a modern time, and we want to tell a different story of the Three Little Pigs… one that matters to modern situations.

A woman was walking down the forest, as she was dressed in a blue outfit, with her long black hair flowing.

Now, this story takes place somewhere in the woods. A young lady was walking in the woods, and she was very restless.

"I need a house… but I don't know where I can find one." she said, "I tried asking for a room for rent, but…"

"You wanted a cottage for two?"

"Why don't you go find a troll hovel, lady?"

"A room she says! HAHAHAHAHA!"

"And so far, nothing!" She stated, "I needed one for my husband and I. But I have to test its features and decor first. But no one will take my case."

And as she walked down the path, she spotted a small cottage, but rather a small business place, rather than a domestic home.

"Grimm Ren's Real Estate. Hm, perfect. I should go find a home here."

She stepped inside, and greeted a man in black hair, wearing a green outfit. "Hello, ma'am. How may I help you?"

But just as she was about to introduce herself, a young lady with a pig nose and ears–.
"HEY! Flattery will get you nowhere, buster!" Nora barked.
AHEM! I mean, a young beautiful lady stepped into the Real Estate office.

"You again? I told you, NO!" Ren barked.

Nora pleaded, "Come on, Ren! I built my house again, and I was wondering if you can sell it to a worthy sucker–, I mean, a worthy person."

"I'm sorry, Nora." Ren stated, "But I am not covered by your responsibility of your home being torn down, again. Take your business elsewhere."

Nora blubbered, and she wailed, "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-HAAAAA-HAAA-HAAAAaaaaa…"

Mio pleaded, "Hey, come now! Don't be rude to her." She went to the pig girl and asked, "You're giving away a home for me? I want a home, and I'm so desperate."

Nora sobbed, "You mean it? Can you take my home?"

The woman agreed and offered to stay at the pig's home, much to the kindhearted Real Estate Agent's words. And after signing the papers and paying the gold, the young piglet took her to her beautiful and unique home.

She was in the presence of a huge cottage, made entirely out of straw, hay, and grass.

"This is unique?" Mio asked to the 4th wall.

Nora grinned, "Welp! It's all yours, and it's the best you can afford! Word of advice: don't cook on an over… Also, make sure to cover the roof, when it rains."

And so, the little pig girl runs off, happily giving away her house to the young lady, who finds this place rather relaxing. It's a shame that the entire house is made of straw, even the furniture is made of straw.

"Well, it beats wooden bed stands." Mio smiled, sitting on the straw couch. "Maybe I should return the favor for my newfound friend."

Well, in no time at all, the young lady finally enjoyed her new home, despite the many faults that it has.

"YEOWUCH!" Mio found a pin in the straw cushion.

And one being very lucky and unexpected. One being she found the proverbial and literally needle in the haystack. Yes, the young lady was enjoying her one night in her beautiful apartment, when suddenly, out of the woods, came across a huge wolf. And this was no ordinary wolf.

"I'm the big bad wolf, and I'm hungry for pork!" Jaune said, with his blonde hair showing wolf ears, wearing a black shirt and jeans, "And I have been doing this for weeks now… and they always escape me! But tonight's my chance!"

Yes, the Big Bad Wolf, the eater of innocent little pigs, and the most hated character in all of Fairy Tales.

"I also got the biggest lungs, too. Watch this." He huffed and puffed and with a mighty gust of wind, blew off the leaves on that lone apple tree. He collected the apples, and then proceeded to the house that the lady now owns.

"Apples, perfect for succulent pigs, roasting on an open fire. But every time I failed, it's applesauce for me."

And pounding on the straw door, he bellowed out, "LITTLE PIG! LITTLE PIG! LET ME IN!"

No response. The lady was sleeping peacefully, until she heard the Wolf's banging. Waking up from her straw bed, she rustled out of the bedroom, and headed downstairs.

"In the middle of the night? There's always something…"

Jaune barked, "No answer, huh? Fine! You asked for it!"

And as Mio opened the door, Jaune blew really hard, producing a huge wind.

And as the woman opened the door, the house blew off.
WHOOOOOOOOOSH!
The lady was under a massive pile of straw and hay, or what's left of the straw house, as the wolf finally won. But he didn't… because there was no pig.

"Where'd the pig go? Hey, lady!" Jaune called to Mio, "Where'd that little piggy go? She was supposed to live here?"

"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Mio dashed off, screaming for her life. Jaune said, "Hmm… She'd be a succulent feast, but it's too big. Plus, she's not a pig."

XXXXX

The very next day, the lady returned to Grimm Ren's and protested about the straw house.

"I want my money back!" She protested, banging her fist on the desk, "The house of straw fell apart! And not only that, I found the needle."

"Sorry." Ren said, "But I'm not authorized to give you your money back. I didn't sign over the house to you. Plus, it wasn't insured. Who builds a straw house, anyway? I'm not responsible for straw-only houses."

"No, but you use straw for roofing!" Mio barked, "If you won't give me my money back, I'll sue you!"

But as the lady was about to take legal action, another pig girl appeared, only with red hair and a ponytail.

"Hello~!" Pyrrha waved.

Ren said, "Ah, you are here. Lemme guess, you're here to sell your house?"

"Yep!" Pyrrha smiled, "And I had it fully reinforced so that NO accidents will happen."

"That's what happened to the other house."

The lady saw the piglet, and she was crossed.

"Wait a minute! Aren't you the same piglet from before?"

"Oh, you mean Nora? Sorry… I'm Pyrrha, and I'm her older sister."

Mio yelled at her, "Whatever house you sell, I WANT IT!"

Pyrrha gasped, "What's wrong with her?"

Ren said, "Nora sold her house to her, and it collapsed. Again. Now, she wants a refund, or she'll see me in court. I accept her legal actions."

Pyrrha smiled, "Nonsense! You can have my home, free of charge. I was just about to give it away to Ren."

Ren stated, "And I was just about to say NO. I am not responsible for–."

"NEVER MIND!" Mio pleaded, "Give me her home! I'll take the consequences!" She hissed, "But if this falls, too…"

"I promise." Ren said, "I'll have your gold, and have this insured, in case of any accidents (barring any wolf-based calamities)."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. Sign here."

The lady signed the deed of Pyrrha's house, and signed an insured claim stating that her house will be safe. "In the event that her house falls over, or any accidents that lead to destruction of said house, the owner will be insured for said accident. The owner is also not responsible for any wonton chaos it may experience."

"They never read the fine print." Ren said.

XXXXX

And so, Pyrrha the Piglet showed the kind lady her new house. Unlike the other house, this was made of sticks, wood, and dry grass (for holding the twigs together).

"I've always wanted a log cabin… not a bird's nest." Mio groaned.

Pyrrha replied, "Sorry… The Huntsman caught me trying to chop wood for the foundation and siding…"

The piglet sobbed away, as the lady walked into her house. It was the same as Nora's house, only it had everything wooden, even the stove. Luckily, she added a few precautions to her kitchen.

"Do not use fire on the stovetop." She read the sign, "Would it kill to cook the tea kettle? I'm dying for tea!"

Dissatisfied by the house, the lady decided to stay here anyways…

"A little furniture and paint will give this place a true warm and cozy motif." Mio smiled. "And I swear… if I find out the guy that blew my house down…"

Well, sure enough, the lady decided to finally get some rest. But as night fell, the Big Bad Wolf returned, wanting pigs in his palette.

"Luckily, I wanted to feast, but that lady I saw made me in the mood for apple pie. If I ever see her again…" He showed a pie, "I should give this to her as a gift."

Now, the wolf arrived at the stick house, and pie in hand, he pounded on the door.

"Is anyone home?" Jaune cried.

Mio woke up and growled, "What now?"

She walked to the window and saw the wolf, only he was holding up a beautiful apple pie. She opened the door and snatched it from his paws, without even a second glance. The wolf was stunned, as he was due for a surprise.

"That woman is no pig!" He complained, "She's a jerk! She didn't even say thank you!"

And walking away with a huff and puff, the wolf left the wooden house, as the lady was enjoying her apple pie. Though, she never got the chance. She only took the pie, because she was scared of the wolf, about to eat her… but she thought wrong.

"As long as I'm happy with food, I'll repay Pyrrha later… but NOT Grimm Ren! Tomorrow morning, I'm gonna have a word with him about this wolf!"

Now, after she went back to bed, the wolf returned, and instead of huffing and puffing and blowing her house down, he had a wonderful idea.

"That piggy is in there, and I bet she's disguised as that sweet lady. I'll fix her!"

And sure enough, he held up a bottle of bugs, and poured it onto the welcome mat. They crawled in, and infested the house inside. Now, these bugs are no ordinary bugs. In fact, the house of sticks started to dissolve and break apart. Mio was sound asleep, as the sounds of munching were surrounding the entire house. And these bugs were devouring the place, until the very next morning…

Mio woke up and cried, "What? Did we get termites?"

That's right. The bugs the Big Bad Wolf sent in were termites. And they have a feast for wood. Her new wooden house is now nothing more than… *giggles* Well… just a house of sawdust.

Mio sighed, "Why me?"

Well… this is a rather tense predicament. The Wolf sabotaged her out of negligence and rudeness, but she knew that the wolf was going to eat her. Disappointed, she decided to return to the Real Estate Agency. But meanwhile, as she was walking through the path, three piglets were watching on, as they were smiling in glee.

Nora smirked, "What a sucker! She actually bought out our houses! Now the wolf will leave us alone!"

Pyrrha said, "Indeed. Selling our homes to her will decrease her revenue."

A pig girl in black and red said, "Good. Now all that's left is the Brick House. We'll take refuge there, and we can finish the job."

And the three little pigs retreat to the smart one's brick house. Meanwhile, in the real estate building, the lady was furious at Grimm Ren, again…

"Why are you suing me already? I had nothing to do with the termites that destroyed your home!" He pleaded.

She barked, "Well, it doesn't matter! I want my insurance paid, and I demand that I get a quality house!"

"I'm sorry, but this does cover your termite infestation, but there lies the problem… You were given the house for free, and in return… You get nothing."

Mio was stunned, as Ren asked, "Uh, lady? You okay?"

The lady knew what was going on… She was bamboozled by those pigs, giving her the houses, all to sabotage her. But what she didn't know was–.
"Then tell me! Does my insurance cover Wolf attacks? Because a wolf came here and gave me an apple pie! I bet that pie attracts termites!"

"Why do you have half that pie?"

"It's all I have left. That wolf destroyed my home!" She protested, placing the pie down, "I'll sue YOU, and HIM, if I have to!"

The third piglet came in, and then walked to the real estate agent, with a smile on her face and a cheerful attitude. But the lady witnessed her, and just as she was about to say something…

"Hiya, Ren!" She cheered, "Thought I'd invite you over to my house for a party."

"Sorry, but I'm busy." He said calmly. "I was busy with a client."

Ruby asked, "Oh, you're the girl that they told me about. I'm sorry about your houses…"

Mio stated, "It's alright. If I ever see that wolf again, I'm going to skin him alive!"

"Maybe you can meet with him at the front door of my house. I built my house of bricks. It's strong and sturdy, and I have a room for rent." Ruby quietly snickered, "And a perfect place for a sucker."

The lady somehow agreed with the third piglet, unknowingly caught her in a trap.

Mio barked at Ren, "If I see that wolf again, he's dead!"

Ren asked, "I'm not responsible for your retaliations… or the wolf's safety and health."

XXXXX

And sure enough, the lady and Ruby arrived at Ruby's brick house, as Nora and Pyrrha were waiting for her. Ruby offered her a home, as long as she gets rid of that wolf. The lady agreed, knowing that the wolf wanted to gobble the piggies up… and mostly to gain revenge for what happened to her houses.

Sure enough, the wolf appeared, and is about to barge in on the pigs' house. But the lady emerged from the door, and held up a shotgun.

"Don't step another foot forward, and don't say another word!" Mio glared, "This is for the straw house, and the needle on my butt! And the stick house, but thanks for the apple pie."

Jaune pleaded, "Wait a minute… What are you doing here? You're not a pig."

"Those piggies hate you! So… I'm going to turn you in! You big bully!"

And so, the wolf was captured, as Ruby and the others watched on, knowing that the Big Bad Wolf was finally defeated.

"So long, suckers!" Ruby jeered.

Of course, Ruby, Pyrrha, and Nora didn't make their promise to the lady, despite what they said. And so, the lady turned the wolf in.

XXXXX

"That's right, officer!" Mio explained, grabbing Jaune, "I want this wolf arrested for vandalization and destruction of property, and also murder!"

Yang said to her, "But I have no proof. You say that the straw and stick houses were destroyed, because of that wolf?"

Mio stated, "And I demand legal action towards that wolf! I bought those houses, fair and square, and Grimm Ren swindled me! Three lawsuits!"

"Three?"

"Yeah! For the wolf, for Grimm Ren, and for the forest!" She showed the needle she found and the policeman nodded, "Very well. The Wolf will be in custody, right away."

Jaune cried, "Just hold on a minute! I have an alibi! I was only blowing down the pigs' house! It's sort of my thing, every week! And I thought she was one of them, too! I tried really hard, and today's the day I finally have those piggies on my dinner plate!"

Yang huffed, "Yeah, tell it to the judge, wolf. We'll see you in court."

Mio cried, "WAIT A MINUTE! You weren't after me, but the pigs? You are a sick cruel puppy!"

"Guilty as charged. But do you know why you owned those houses, and I didn't know?"

Mio growled, "I'LL HAVE YOUR HAIR INTO A STOLE, YOU BIG BAD–!"

And sure enough, the lady suddenly came to the realization…
"I don't believe it…"
That's right. The lady was conned by those pigs.

"Officer… I think I know what happened. If you let the wolf go, I'll drop the charges."

"But why? You just gave me a whole confession and alibi!" Yang barked.

Mio replied, "I know… But I believe I was the guilty party…"

And so, the lady and wolf agreed to terms of forgiveness, and decided to return, back to the pigs' brick house.

During the night, the lady snuck into the pigs' brick house, through the basement, and then returned outside, after creeping off into the night.

Now, the next morning, she paid a visit to Grimm Ren and talked over Ruby's brick house.

"What does the policy say about implosion after a wolf attack?" She asked him.

"I see what you're doing… and I want out." he said, "Besides… those pigs are even more cruel shysters than I am… but even I want to make a sale, fairly."

Mio held up a subpoena, and Ren winced, "Okay-okay, don't sue me!"

Now, the following afternoon, the wolf returned to the brick house and pounded at the door. "LITTLE PIGS! LET ME IN!"

Ruby did a raspberry at him, and she joked, "Eh, your mother blows gas!"

Jaune was appalled, "Eh, don't you talk about my mother! I'm from a pack of 7!"

Nora jeered, "A pack of what? Kittens?!"

Pyrrha called, "You couldn't even catch a cold!"

The pigs laughed, as the wolf was furious. Just as he inhaled, the lady was signaling to him, and she disappeared from the forest. And then, with a mighty blow…
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSH!
The wind blew, and the brick house was blowing in the wind. But the house was still standing.

"WHAT? Not again!" He puffed, "Alright… This calls for my biggest and strongest wind ever!"

He inhaled, and with a massive powerful lung attack, he blew the house in the wind, and let out a massive windstorm. But the brick house–.
KABOOM!
…blew up?

Jaune cheered, "I DID IT!"

The wolf was in glee, as somehow, the brick house finally toppled over. The piglets were in shock, badly hurt and in pain, speechless and mortified by this shocking turn of events.

Ruby giggled, as she came to, seeing Jaune about to pounce on him, "Uh, heh-heh-heh… Can't you take a little joke?" The piglets giggled, as Jaune snarled, "Now… Now, it's dinner time for you naughty piggies!"

Now, the Big Bad Wolf was finally vicious as ever. And in the end, he was able to capture all three pigs. Moments after, he gathered all of the pigs in one sack, and returned to his home, where he planned to feast upon the helpless pigs.

And so, the Big Bad Wolf lived happily ever after… for the moment. During his return home, the piglets somehow escaped, and fled from the wolf's clutches, away from the forest, never to be seen again. But that is another story for another time, as we end this story, altogether.

But meanwhile, in the rubble of the Pigs' Brick House, the lady returned, smiling in satisfaction, knowing that she has a brand new home to live in.

Mio put up a sign that says "In construction – new House: 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom, 1 kitchen". She stated, "This will be perfect for my new home, once it's done. And I owe it all to those pig girls." She went to the bushes and said, "I did say that I owe the pigs something in return, to thank them…" She revealed from the bushes a TNT detonator, and she grinned evilly, "With friends like them, I won't need enemies." She chuckled evilly, knowing she paid the pigs back… in spades.

Ren sighed, as he read the deed for the Pigs' Brick House, "They never read the fine print… They never do." He revealed, "You see, Ruby failed to mention that if her house was ever destroyed by the Big Bad Wolf, then their property becomes on sale for any potential buyer. The lady gets it, free of charge… but she needs gold for the construction to go faster." He ripped the deed up and said, "And that's for bugging me, every single day."

Well, this isn't how the Three Little Pigs story ended, but for our lady friend she lived happily ever after, in her brand new house… … …once it's finished.
The moral is this: If you get conned out of gold, don't get mad… get "MAD".

Ren responded, "Ohhhh… Mutually Assured Destruction. I get it."

The End