[South Park Elementary, day. Clyde is busy talking to Craig, Butters, Kenny and Tolkien in the hallway]
CLYDE: I really don't know if it's just me growing up or something, but after rewatching a few episodes of Terrance and Phillip, I really don't know why, but their show isn't as good as I used to think it was. Like, I still watch it from time to time, but the novelty is starting to wear thin for me, if you know what I'm saying. Like, the one joke they constantly do where they fart on one another or something does get old after a couple of days. Now I'm not saying that I hate Terrance and Phillip as people, I'm just saying that their type of comedy is just getting old and annoying, man.
BUTTERS: Yeah, we completely understand, Clyde. You know I always find it sad that the things that we used to love doing back then start to get old and repetitive when we look back on them, like-
TWEEK: [he appears in the hallway, hesitates for a few seconds and walks up to Clyde and the other boys] Hey, uh, Clyde? There's something really important I want to tell you. Oh Jesus, man. I think you're not gonna like this, I just know it.
CLYDE: Huh? Oh, hey Tweek. It's okay dude, I can take it. So what is it you wanna tell me about?
TWEEK: Well, uh… you know Bebe? [beat] Well… she said that she wants to get back with you.
CLYDE: [his eyes widen in horror over what he just heard] B- B- Bebe?!
TWEEK: Yeah, she wants to get back together with you. She said it's been years since you and her hung out together.
CLYDE: [frantic] But- I- No, I can't- You- I- It's just that… me and Bebe haven't spoken to each other since… that one time…
TWEEK: N-GH! I always knew you weren't gonna like it!
CRAIG: Wait, what do you mean by "that one time"? Was there something that you wanna tell us about? Clyde?
CLYDE: NO! I don't have anything to tell you about, alright?! It's- It's- It's nothing too major! Uh… I… I- I got other things to do, class starts in a few seconds! Gotta go, bye now! [he hastily runs off, leaving the other boys all confused]
CRAIG: What the hell's his problem?
KENNY: (Beats me)
TOLKIEN: Well, whatever it is, Clyde has to get over it eventually.
CRAIG: Well, I don't think "eventually" would be the right word here, Tolkien.
[Meanwhile, a panicked Clyde races down the hallway, runs into the boy's bathroom and locks himself in there]
CLYDE: Oh my god. Oh, Jesus Christ. Why did it have to happen now? I mean sixteen years since that whole list crap and NOW she wants to get back with me?! Why?! Why would I wanna get back with that pervert who-?! [He hears knocking on the door] Oh god, they found me!
[The knocking is coming from Mr. Mackey who is also with Stan and Kyle]
MACKEY: Clyde? Clyde, are you in there?
CLYDE: Uh, n- n-no. [sighs] Okay, yes I am in there. Just… give me a few more seconds.
KYLE: Clyde, you can't just lock yourself in the bathroom just now! Besides, class starts in less than a minute! And you don't wanna be late, right?
CLYDE: Huh? Oh- well… I guess you're right.
STAN: Yeah, well hurry up in there, dude! We haven't got all morning!
[The boys and Mr. Mackey all leave. Moments later, Clyde peeks out of the bathroom entrance to see if the coast is clear. Thankfully, there's no one around to see him and he reluctantly walks out]
[Mr. Garrison's class, moments later. The kids take their seats before Mr. Garrison comes in. Clyde, however, slowly walks over to his desk, checking if any girls are near him]
GARRISON: Okay children, let's all take our seats.
CRAIG: We already have.
GARRISON: Oh, well congratulations then. Anyway, today for our first lesson, we'll all be learning about how Japanese toilets work differently to regular toilets that we normally use.
CLYDE: [frightened] D-did you say t-t-toilets?
GARRISON: Uh, yes Clyde. Have you got a problem with that?
CLYDE: Uh… [looks around the class] No… Mr. Garrison. Uh, just carry on.
GARRISON: [stares at Clyde for a moment, perplexed] Well, alright then Clyde. So class, you know how you use a toilet to go and take…
CRAIG: Dude, what the hell is wrong with him today? He's become really nervous ever since he found out Bebe wants to get back with him.
TWEEK: Yeah I mean, I don't really know what his problem with her is…
GARRISON: Craig! Tweek! Are you two even listening?!
TWEEK: G-AH! Uh, sure we are.
GARRISON: Yeah, that's what I thought. Anyway, so about how a toilet normally works, you use it to go and take a crap or pee in it or whatever and after you finished using it and wiped your ass with-
KYLE: Yeah, yeah, you don't have to go into full detail! We all know how a regular toilet works!
GARRISON: Well fine, since you just wanna act like a smartass to me, we'll just move onto Japanese toilets then, alright? Right then, so the difference about using Japanese toilets is that you don't have to wipe your ass with toilet paper, no, you just push one of these buttons next to the seat and-
CLYDE: OH MY GOD, NO!
GARRISON: For god's sake Clyde, what the hell's the matter with you?!
CLYDE: It's just- Uh, nothing. Just nothing. Y-you go on ahead.
GARRISON: Well… [sighs] alright then. So as I was saying children, you just push one of these buttons next to the seat and a jet of water shoots up to your asshole. That way, you won't have any need to waste any toilet paper.
STAN: Oh yeah, I totally get it now.
JIMMY: [he looks both ways in a cautious manner]
[South Park Elementary hallway, moments later after class. Clyde is at his locker, still feeling unsure of himself]
CLYDE: [deep breath] It's okay, Clyde. You really shouldn't be freaking out over the littlest of things; that's Tweek's job. I mean who knows, maybe you won't even get to see Bebe or any of the girls for that matter.
[Unbeknown to him, Craig and Tweek both walk up to him]
CRAIG: Uh, Clyde?
CLYDE: [startled] AGH! [he then sees the two boys behind him] Oh… uh, hey guys. How's everything so far?
CRAIG: It has nothing to do with us right now, Clyde. Why are you so freaked out over the topic of Japanese toilets? I found them to be pretty interesting.
CLYDE: Yeah, they're cool and all, but…
TWEEK: U-rgh! What's wrong? You okay, Clyde?
CRAIG: Yeah, you're acting just like Tweek right now!
[Tweek glares at him]
CRAIG: Uh, I didn't mean it in a personal way.
CLYDE: [groans] I'm sorry, it's just... whenever the topic of toilets gets brought up, it always reminds me of... that one time.
TWEEK: What do you mean "that one time"? That's the second time you've said something like that already!
CLYDE: I know, it's just that… my mom once fell into my toilet and she… [tears up] she…
CRAIG: Dude, if toilets are that scary to you, how do you take shits? Do you crap your pants like a baby or something?
CLYDE: [angrilly slams his locker] What?! NO! Of course I still use toilets, asswipe! I just don't like the topic about them! Jesus Christ, dude! Be happy that you still have a mom! [he storms off, leaving Craig and Tweek still confused about his irrational behaviour]
CRAIG: It was a genuine question, don't need to get so defensive!
TWEEK: I think he already knows, Craig.
CRAIG: Well, whatever it is, he needs to fess up sooner or later.
[Meanwhile, Clyde is walking down the hallway, still worrying to himself and looking both ways to see if any girls are about]
CLYDE: [thinking] Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with me today? First that bitch wants to get back with me, we're having lessons about how toilets work and now I'm getting so worked up about it? I mean, I really don't wanna get back with Bebe after what happened last time we were together. But then again if I did say the wrong thing to her, she's gonna completely obliterate me like last week! Oh, what the hell am I gonna do?
WENDY: [at a distance] Hey Clyde? Clyde, there's something important I need to ask you.
CLYDE: Oh shit, they've found me! They just want me for shoes, I just know it.
WENDY: [walks up to him] There you are Clyde, Bebe wants to know if-
CLYDE: Oh, who cares about Bebe, or any girl for that matter?! I know you're trying to set me up with that pervert so she could use me to get free shoes again like the last time we were together! Well guess what, that is never gonna happen! Alright?! [he runs off, leaving Wendy bewildered by what just happened. Moments later, Bebe walks up to her]
BEBE: Hey Wendy, did you get any answer from Clyde yet?
WENDY: Well, no actually. I tried talking to him, but he thought you wanted to get shoes from him and he ran away.
BEBE: What does he even mean by that? Why would I- [realization suddenly strikes her] Oh my god… I think I know what he was talking about.
[Moments later, Clyde is at his locker. He attempts to leave when Bebe walks up to him]
BEBE: Oh, hey Clyde.
[Clyde looks at Bebe, absolutely petrified]
BEBE: Well… look, I know it's been a long while since we've spoken to each other, but I think it's finally time if… we get back together someday, what do you think?
CLYDE: [stares at Bebe for a few minutes, thinking on what his next move should be and he ends up running away from her, screaming]
BEBE: Clyde? Clyde?! Come back! Ugh, forget it then! [she walks away in the opposite direction]
[School cafeteria, moments later. We cut to a table where eight girls are sitting; Wendy, Bebe, Heidi, Red, Nichole, Annie, Millie and Esther]
BEBE: It's completely ridiculous, I tell you! I tried asking out Clyde twice, but all he did was run away from me as if I wanna hurt him or something! He didn't even wanna look at me either!
ESTHER: Yeah, something's definitely up with that guy.
WENDY: Well, he was the same with me too. He kept trying to avoid me whenever I tried talking to him or when I got too close… now that I think about it, he's been like this with nearly every girl here for the past few years and I don't really know why. Unless… wait a minute! I think it's got to do with that list we made. You know, the one that ranked every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest?
NICHOLE: No? What about it?
BEBE: I mean, you wouldn't know because you weren't there at the time, Nichole.
WENDY: Yeah, I think it's best if Clyde explains that for himself.
HEIDI: Wait a minute, what did that list have to do with Clyde?
RED: Um, well… it's best if we discuss this later, okay?
[Scene cuts to another table where eight boys are sitting; Clyde, Craig, Kevin, Butters, Tolkien, Stan, Kyle and Kenny. Clyde is still lost in thought and remains silent]
BUTTERS: Hey Clyde, what's the matter? You've become a lot more on-edge this morning when it comes to girls and toilets. Is there anything you wanna explain?
[Clyde doesn't say anything]
STAN: Clyde, I understand why you're feeling this way towards Bebe, but you can't keep it locked in your mind forever you know.
BUTTERS: Wait a minute, what exactly did happen between Clyde and the girls?
CRAIG: Yeah, I was asking myself the same thing. I mean I know girls can be a pain sometimes, but it feels like they must've done something really bad to him. So what happened buddy, did a girl break your heart?
CLYDE: [sighs] Do you really wanna know why?
BUTTERS: Well, yeah we're all dying to know what happened.
CLYDE: Well… [looks both ways to see if the girls are nearby] okay. But I'm only doing this because you've all asked. So… you remember that list the girls made where they ranked every boy's looks from the cutest to the ugliest?
CRAIG: Well, sure we do. You were at the top, right?
CLYDE: Well yeah, I was. But… you don't know why they put me at the top exactly.
BUTTERS: Well, no. Not really. All I remember hearing was that Cartman was the one at the bottom of the real list instead of Kyle.
KYLE: Oh, dude. Don't remind me.
CLYDE: Well it turned out the girls didn't really vote me as the cutest boy, they just changed that list so they could get free shoes from my dad's shoe store at the local mall. That was why they put me at the top of that list! They didn't really think I was the cutest, they just wanted to mooch shoes off me because that's all they ever care about!
BUTTERS: Oh hamburgers.
KENNY: (Jesus Christ, dude. That's horrible!)
STAN: Yep, it's true, you guys. The girls just wanted shoes from him, so they forged that list to put Clyde at the top. I think it must've scarred him really badly after that.
CRAIG: And he's been quiet about the whole thing all this time?! [turns to Clyde] Dude, why didn't you tell us before that the girls only wanted you for shoes?
CLYDE: Because… [begins to tear up] because I was worried that none of you would believe me if I told you and just rip on me and call me a- a faggot just because the girls used me to get shoes. When I found out about the whole thing from you guys, I felt so… betrayed and… angry that the girls did this shit on me just for their own selfish pleasures! Ever since then, I've gained a huge phobia of girls. Not because I thought they were gross or anything, but because of that one time when they all manipulated me into giving them shoes… because that's all girls want from boys!
TOLKIEN: Clyde, I… I'm so sorry you went through all of that with them.
STAN: Yeah, we all are. Nobody deserved what happened because of that list. I mean who wouldn't get wary of girls after that? They all knew about it and nobody tried to stop it. You're justified in that dude. I would've done the same if I were you.
CLYDE: I mean, would you like it if the girls did that to you? Dating you just for the sake of getting something from you?
KYLE: Nobody would! And you didn't deserve that at all, dude. Maybe you'll find someone who doesn't wanna use you like that in the future though, there's always a chance.
CLYDE: Well that's gonna be easier said than done though. Right now, Bebe is just begging for me to get back with her, probably just wants to get herself some more shoes from me.
KYLE: Well, why couldn't you just say no? It would've been easier than to just run away from her like that.
CLYDE: But that's the thing; I really don't want anything to do with her or any girl for that matter. Because the memory of that list was still in the back of my mind for a good long while and I started blaming all the girls for manipulating me in the first place. Then it all turned to shit when the girls staged a protest against us by breaking up with their boyfriends because they thought an internet troll who'd been harassing them online spoke for all the boys in the school!
CRAIG: And so that was why you protested against them by taking your wiener out, right?
CLYDE: Yep, I just don't know how to move on from those bad memories. It's like as if just because I'm a boy, that means I just can't do anything right, I just always feel like a victim when it comes to women in general.
KYLE: Once again Clyde, I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. But if there's one thing my dad once told me it's to just let go of those memories and move on from them. I mean, your mom wouldn't want to see you like this for the remainder of your life, now would she?
CLYDE: Well… I don't really know. I don't know if I could even bring myself to move on from that shit those shoe-mooching perverts did to me! [The other boys look at each other in concern]
[South Park Elementary, later. Clyde is walking down the hallway, looking both ways as usual until he suddenly hears a girl's voice]
GIRL 1: Hey Clyde, have you still got those shoes I've always wanted from you?
CLYDE: AGH! No way!
GIRL 2: Hey Clyde, you know I've always wanted to get those shoes from your dad.
CLYDE: Get the hell away from me! I'm not giving you shoes!
[Clyde suddenly gets swarmed by multiple girls, asking him for shoes and he keeps denying them, then he comes face to face with Bebe]
BEBE: So Clyde, where are those free shoes I asked you to get for me?
[Clyde suddenly wakes up, screaming. After he calms down, he notices that he's still in his room]
CLYDE: [breathing deeply] Oh… Jesus Christ… This can't go on.
[South Park Elementary, next morning. Clyde is at his locker, still brooding to himself about the girls and everything that they all did to him over the years. He keeps remembering certain words during those times by various women and girls]
LOLA: A lot of us have always wanted to date Clyde to get free shoes, but we couldn't, because he wasn't popular enough.
JENNY: She's dating Clyde now. Nobody loves shoes more than her.
WOMAN 1: I'd like to say on behalf of the departed, that it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down. It's a man's responsibility to put it down.
GIRL: This is a time where women and girls have to stand together.
WOMAN 2: There's a little boy here who has lost his mother! He'll never see her again, because he couldn't take that sixth-tenths of a second to put the toilet seat down when he was done peeing. And now little Clyde's mother is dead, and the blood is on his penis.
[Clyde shuts his locker and rests his head on his locker door in guilt]
CLYDE: God, why do girls have to be so cruel? I just can't bear getting back with Bebe, I just can't.
STAN: [walks up to Clyde] Clyde?
CLYDE: [panicking] AGH! No, get back, bitch! I'm never giving you any… oh, uh hey Stan.
STAN: Clyde, are you okay?
CLYDE: [sighs] Not really, no.
STAN: Why? Are you still thinking about the girls?
CLYDE: Yes.
STAN: And your mom?
CLYDE: Yes, that too.
BEBE: [passing by] Oh hey Stan, hey Clyde.
STAN: Hey Bebe.
CLYDE: [scowls at her and looks away]
STAN: Dude, what is wrong with you? I know you're still mad over what Bebe did to you last time you and her were together, but why can't you just give her another chance?
CLYDE: It's not just Bebe I'm mad about, I just have a strong dislike for girls in general. They're all just a bunch of cruel, two-faced, heartless beings who only care about themselves, use us boys for their own selfish deeds and blame us for everything wrong with their lives just for the sake of us being boys! They just think they own the place because they think they could get away with anything and shove everyone else in the dirt!
STAN: Well… I understand you had a bad history with girls, Clyde. But you have to remember that not every girl here is a heartless, manipulative bitch; just take a look at Wendy and Heidi. They're actually really nice girls and would never even dream about hurting or even attacking boys, especially if it's to get their hands on some shoes.
CLYDE: Well that's what I originally thought when I first went out with Bebe. But then I found out she and many of the other girls were just using me to get a hold of some measly shoes. And later, they set up an attack on us by breaking up with their boyfriends because they all thought one internet troll reflected on all of us which then led to a fucking gender war! Seriously dude, there's no good in any of them. Why should I even trust one after all the shit that fruity little club of theirs caused?
STAN: [sighs] You shouldn't be living in the past for too long. I know it can be really hurtful, but there are times when you just have to move on from those things. I mean who knows, maybe Bebe has changed since that gender war.
CLYDE: Well what if she hasn't changed? What am I gonna do then?
STAN: Well, if she does want to get shoes from you, my advice would be to just be the bigger person, say no and walk away. But even so, it's best if you give her a chance first before doing anything just yet. [he walks away, leaving Clyde in thought once again]
CLYDE: There's always a next time.
[Just then, Wendy and Heidi appear in the hallway and walk up to Clyde]
WENDY: Hey Clyde? Could we ask you something real quick?
HEIDI: Yeah, we just want to ask you a quick question on behalf of the girls.
CLYDE: [fretting] The girls? Oh my god, I'm in for it now. No, I've gotta be the bigger person and become a man. [turns to the girls] So what exactly do you want to ask me about? Was it something I said about you girls yesterday?
WENDY: Well, not really Clyde. What we actually want to ask you is if… well… are you gay?
CLYDE: [blinks twice in disbelief] What?! I'm not gay, and I never was!
WENDY: Well, you see…
[Clyde walks angrily away from the girls]
CLYDE: [muttering] Stupid girls, they're all the same.
[Wendy and Heidi look at each other in concern]
[Playground, moments later. Clyde is sitting on one of the stairs, still lost in thought. He looks up and notices Bebe chatting with Heidi, she sees Clyde and waves at him, but he only looks away and continues brooding]
WENDY: [walks up towards him] Hey Clyde, are you okay?
CLYDE: Oh, what the hell do you want now? I don't wanna talk to any girls right now. I just wanna be on my own.
WENDY: [she sits on the stairs next to Clyde, much to his confusion] Look… we were just sent to ask every boy in school that question, it wasn't just you.
CLYDE: Huh? But… I thought that-
WENDY: All we had to do is ask any boy we come across if he's homosexual and they simply had to repond with a yes or no.
CLYDE: [sighs] Okay. No, I'm not gay. Now can you just get the hell away from me now?
WENDY: See?! It's not all that hard to do! I don't know why you'd be so upset about this or why you'd be so on edge with girls in general?
CLYDE: Well, it's just that… [sighs] It's just that you girls always enjoy making life a living nightmare for us just for being boys as if being male is wrong. Like that one time when you all made that cute to ugly list and put me at the top, just so you could get free shoes from me. You didn't think I was cute at all, you just wanted to get shoes from me by rigging that stupid list of theirs. I mean, every girl here loves shoes for some reason! And then there was that time when that one internet troll started harassing the girls in school and so to "protest" for their rights, they broke up with their boyfriends and broke all our hearts because they all thought every boy was to blame for the trolling which was why we all started our own protest crap!
WENDY: I… uh… I really don't know what to make of that. But… why were you so worked up about the subject of toilets? Does it have anything to do with women?
CLYDE: [groans] That was how my mom died a while back, yes. She kept telling me to put the toilet seat down and then one night, she fell in and it ripped her fucking organs out, all because I kept leaving the toilet seat up. So now you know why I feel uncomfortable towards you and your kind.
WENDY: Oh my god… I completely understand now why you don't wanna get back together with Bebe and I'm really sorry for your loss. But… you can't discriminate all of us girls based on all those bad memories you had with them. I mean, I never actually took part in any of those horrible acts against you guys. Hell, I even helped Stan uncover the true identity of that rigged list AND helped him and Kyle put a stop to that gender war by revealing the identity of that troll that was harassing us, neither were Heidi and Esther actually.
CLYDE: So… wait, what are you trying to say?
WENDY: Well what I'm just trying to say to you, Clyde, is that not all girls are the same. Not all of us are cold and manipulative, and we don't all hate boys either, especially nice ones like Stan, Kyle and Butters. To be honest, it's only Cartman that we ever seem to dislike.
CLYDE: I don't blame you for that. But even so, sometimes I feel guilty just for being a boy, as if being a boy means I can't do anything right. Like how my mom fell in the toilet because of me. Since then, I've been thinking to myself about stuff like what if the toilet seat was put down in time, or what if it was my dad that fell in, or what would happen if I was a girl? Would my mom still be alive then? Or if I confessed to the girls earlier that I wasn't that one online troll, would they still declare war on us? There are so many things I keep questioning about to myself and it just makes me feel a horrible person for thinking about these things again and again. Sure Stan did say that I need to let it go and move on, but how can I? It could take ages for me to finally get over them.
WENDY: I sure there is a way to help you with that Clyde. You know, I understand how it feels to lose a family member. My grandmother passed away a long time ago and I got passed that.
CLYDE: Well that was different! I mean, at least YOU weren't the cause of your grandma's death! My mom died because I left the toilet seat up and she fell in!
WENDY: Honestly that's not your fault. Everyone forgets to put the toilet seat down. And I'm not being rude or anything because I know you loved your mom very much, but she could've put the seat down herself.
CLYDE: You know what… you could be right! She kept telling me to put the seat down when she could've just done that herself! That way, she would still be alive and well by now.
WENDY: Yeah, exactly! We all make mistakes Clyde, boys and girls alike. But we always have to learn from them and move on so we can prevent those things from happening again.
CLYDE: That's true, but…
WENDY: Um, let me ask you a question Clyde; do you know what feminism is about?
CLYDE: Uh… [sighs] Is it about when girls feel like they've been unappreciated and retaliate against the opposite sex to protest their rights and make themselves superior?
WENDY: No, not even close. Feminism isn't about which gender's better or any crazy bullshit like that, it's about how women should be treated as equals to men and how they should be allowed to do the same things you guys also enjoy doing. Nothing to do with starting gender wars or mass breakups.
CLYDE: Really? Well, I can totally get what you mean by that. But still, how can I even get over those memories? How can I just forget about them, it seems impossible to me.
WENDY: Well maybe you can't, but… hold on, I think I have an idea. [she gets off the stairs and walks away, leaving Clyde]
CLYDE: About what? Wendy?
[School hallway, moments later. Tweek is arranging things in his locker when Wendy walks up to him]
WENDY: Hey Tweek, can I ask you something real quick?
TWEEK: [quickly slams his locker and sees Wendy] A-AGH! Oh! Uh, sure Wendy.
WENDY: Listen, you know how Clyde has been panicking over the subject of girls recently even since he heard about Bebe wanting to get back with him?
TWEEK: Well, if only there was a way to help, but I really don't know how! I mean, it's becoming way too much pressure for me, man!
WENDY: Well, not just yet! Because… I have an idea.
TWEEK: Really? How so?
WENDY: Well, Clyde has told me everything about why he was acting the way he did. It was about the time when the other girls all used him to get free shoes by putting him at the top on one of our lists that we did, not to mention that other time when his mom died after falling into the toilet.
TWEEK: Wait, really?! That was how she died? But- but… I never knew about that until now!
WENDY: Yep, that was what he told me earlier and he also said that it's hard for him to let go and move on from those past memories of his.
TWEEK: Well, what can we do then?
WENDY: Well Tweek, you know your therapist, Dr. Norris, right?
TWEEK: Well sure I do! He always helps me out whenever I'm freaking out about something or other.
WENDY: Perfect! I was thinking maybe that Clyde could come and see your doctor after school. Anything he did for you, I'm sure he can do for him.
TWEEK: Now that… that's actually not a bad idea, Wendy. Sure, let's go and talk to him after school!
WENDY: Yeah. See you Tweek. [she walks away]
TWEEK: G-AGH! You too, Wendy!
[Principal Victoria's office, meanwhile. Clyde is already there with Principal Victoria]
VICTORIA: Now I don't know what's been going on with you today Clyde, but your attitude is starting to worry all the other students and I need to know the meaning of this.
CLYDE: [sighs] I'm sorry, Principal Victoria. It's just that… well… there have been a lot of things coming back to my mind and I've been freaking out over them non-stop since then. I really don't know what's wrong with me today, why can't I bring myself to let go of something long past by now?! I just feel like my life's been a huge screw-up recently. It's like I can't do anything right just because I'm a boy!
VICTORIA: What makes you think that? You know there's nothing wrong with being male.
CLYDE: Well that's what my dad tells me, but I just keeping doubting him over… well, pretty much everything wrong with my life. All I do is make things worse for everyone around me and myself, especially with the girls.
VICTORIA: Now Clyde, I understand what you've been going through with your mother's passing and that gender war we had a while back, but you can't let past memories overshadow you like that. Otherwise, you'll just become miserable and depressed for the rest of your lifetime and we don't want you to feel like that. Do you understand?
CLYDE: Well… I do now. [beat] I- I'm really sorry for all of this, Principal Victoria, I really am. I'll try and keep my chin up for the rest of the day, I promise.
VICTORIA: Alright then.
[School hallway, end of the day. Bebe had just collected her bag from her locker when she sees Clyde still at his locker]
BEBE: [sighs] Well Clyde… I guess I can't really force you to get back together with me as I now understand why. I know you're still mad at me for what happened with that list Clyde, but… that's all in the past and I've learned from that. If you don't want to get back with me, that's fine, I totally get it. But… I really do wish we had a nice, loving relationship like we used to back then. You may not be the smartest boy I've met, but… I really like you Clyde… for who you are as a person. I really do. See you after the weekend I guess, cute boy. [she walks off, leaving Clyde deep in thought over Bebe's words]
[South Park Elementary, after school. The kids pour out of the school. Among them, Tweek and Wendy run up to Clyde]
WENDY: Hey Clyde, wait up!
CLYDE: Huh? Oh, hi Tweek. Hey, Wendy. What's going on?
TWEEK: Well… oh Jesus, what was it again… uh, we wanna help you get over your fears.
CLYDE: Huh? How so?
WENDY: Well, Tweek has a therapist who's helping him and can possibly help you. Tweek?
TWEEK: Yeah, he's helping me a lot with many of my problems, he's a nice guy, I believe he can help you too with what you're dealing with.
CLYDE: You really think so?
TWEEK: Well, sure he can!
WENDY: But if you don't wanna see a therapist, you can always talk to me or your friends about your problems.
TWEEK: Yeah, you're my second closest friend after Craig, dude. I'm always here for you.
CLYDE: Gee, uh thanks, Tweek. I never knew you'd be so supportive of me.
WENDY: I know you still feel responsible because of the whole toilet situation and those gender wars we've had. But either way, we wanna help you get past this so you can have a good future.
CLYDE: Really?
TWEEK: U-rgh! Yeah, I let my problems affect me and look how I turned out!
CLYDE: Jesus Christ, I didn't think.
TWEEK: Well, yeah. Whatever I've been through, I don't want you to go through that as well, man. I just don't!
CLYDE: [thinks for a moment] Alright then. Tweek, how can you help me get over my past trauma?
TWEEK: I have a therapist, mentioned him before, very helpful guy. He's also very lovely, nice to talk to, if you want I can help you get an appointment with him, he's very understanding, and can help you with things that confuse you, and things that stop you from doing things you enjoy, I used to not be able to have time for myself, and now I can do things I actually enjoy thanks to him.
CLYDE: You know, I wonder if your therapist can help me out with how I can cope with my problems. Sure, I'll try it.
WENDY: I know it can be tough but just sitting down with someone and telling your story, letting it out of your system can be the biggest weight lifted off your shoulders. And if therapy doesn't go well, the two of us have got your back.
CLYDE: Thanks, you guys. I'll try therapy anyways. Let's see if I can ask my dad if he could book an appointment for me tomorrow, I'm sure he won't mind.
WENDY: Uh, hey Tweek, does your doctor give you business cards? If you got one, can you give Clyde one to take to his dad?
TWEEK: Urgh! I think I have one somewhere in my bag. [he takes off his backpack and starts searching for it, he takes out a small card and hands it to Clyde]
CLYDE: Ah, thank you dude.
TWEEK: Here you go man, I hope you're able to book an appointment and I hope everything goes well.
CLYDE: Awesome! Thank you so much, Tweek! I'll give it to my dad when I get home, see if he can book an appointment tomorrow.
TWEEK: You're welcome dude, as I've said many times, I'm here for you. [he hugs him, much to Clyde's shock]
WENDY: Same here. I know you didn't have a good history with girls, Clyde, but I'll be here for you too.
CLYDE: Great, that's so great of you two. See you guys, and thanks. [he walks away]
TWEEK: Eh, do you think this might work? Like what if it doesn't?
WENDY: Calm down, Tweek. I'm sure Clyde will be just fine with Dr. Norris.
[Clyde's house, moments later. Clyde comes into the living room, where his dad is waiting for him]
ROGER: Hey son, what happened at school today? I got a call from Principal Victoria saying that you were stressed about something. Do you want to talk about it?
CLYDE: Well not right now, dad. But I do wanna give you this. [he gives him a business card and his dad takes a look at it]
ROGER: Dr. Norris? In North Park? Are you sure about this, Clyde?
CLYDE: Yeah, I'm sure. Please can you take me to see him, dad? I just wanna have a good future.
ROGER: Well… if that's what you want Clyde, then I'm more than happy to drive you there. After all, I'm sure he can help you with whatever you're facing right now.
CLYDE: Yeah, I already knew that from my friends. [beat] Actually, give me a moment or two, I just need to clear up something first.
ROGER: Well, okay then.
[Clyde walks up to his room and calls Tweek on the phone]
CLYDE: Hey Tweek, are you there?
TWEEK: GAH! What the hell do you want?! I nearly got the bone on my Operation board game! I mean, oh, hey Clyde. How are you?
CLYDE: Um, getting a little better now. My dad says that he will book an appointment for me to go and see your therapist, Tweek.
TWEEK: Oh, that's cool! I'll see you there tomorrow, okay?
CLYDE: Yep, you too. See ya, buddy. [he hangs up and goes back to lying down on his bed]
[North Park, Dr. Adam Norris' psychiatry clinic. Clyde, his dad, Tweek and Wendy are in the waiting room with a few other patients, among them is a certain girl Clyde is refusing to make eye contact with, but he keeps looking at her every second or so]
NELLY: Oh, what the hell are you looking at, creep?
CLYDE: Oh, uh… nothing. Just… waiting for Dr. Norris to call for me.
NELLY: So you're not trying to, I dunno, see if I have a breakup note or something? 'Cause I still remember your little stunt back then with your wiener!
CLYDE: Hey, someone has to stand up for our rights too!
ROGER: Clyde, enough! [he then notices Nelly's mom looking at him] Oh uh, sorry about that. I…
NELLY'S MOM: It's okay. My little daughter is having a hard time trying to move on from that gender war some boys started a while back, so I thought about taking her here to see a doctor.
TWEEK: Some boys? But that wasn't even us.
WENDY: Yeah, I know, but we don't wanna cause another argument right now.
NURSE: [comes out to get the next patient] Um, Clyde Donovan, was it?
CLYDE: Yep, that's me. [he gets up and follows the nurse in]
ROGER: Good luck, Clyde. You really need it.
[Dr. Norris' office, moments later. Clyde is with a tall man with glasses, grey hair and a white shirt]
NORRIS: Hello, Clyde. My name is Dr. Norris, you might know me from one of your school friends, is that correct?
CLYDE: Yeah, that's right. I've heard about you from Tweek. You know, that blonde kid who used to come and see you.
NORRIS: Ah yes, Tweek, of course. Why would I forget about him?
CLYDE: Dunno, just saying.
NORRIS: I see. So, what's your reason to come and see me?
CLYDE: Well, it's just that… I have a fear of girls.
NORRIS: Really, how so?
CLYDE: Well, most boys in my school just think it's because I find girls to be gross, but that's obviously not true. The reason why I'm scared of girls is because I've had many bad experiences with them.
NORRIS: What sort of things did they did to you?
CLYDE: Well… one time, the girls made a list that ranked every boy's looks from cutest to ugliest and I was at the top. It made me think that I really was the cutest boy in school and I started becoming… a real douche.
NORRIS: Yes, go on?
CLYDE: But then later on, it turned out that the girls didn't really vote for me as the cutest boy, they just wanted to mooch free shoes off me because my dad owns a shoe store at the local mall. So what the high-ranking members of their fruity little club did was… [begins tearing up] corrupted that list to put me at the top, just so they could use me to give them shoes. They didn't think I was cute at all, they just wanted shoes from me.
NORRIS: Well, that sounded horrible for you. How did you feel when you found out about the whole thing?
CLYDE: I felt betrayed… and heartbroken. I couldn't believe they would do such a thing to me and I started blaming all the girls in my school for doing this messed-up act, including the ones that claimed they didn't take part in it, but I wasn't convinced. Ever since then, I started having trust issues towards the girls as I kept thinking they just wanna use boys to get what they want instead of buying it themselves, especially with shoes. I mean, every girl loves shoes!
NORRIS: I see… Um, is there anything else you want to talk about, regarding your fear of girls?
CLYDE: Oh yeah, there's more of them actually.
NORRIS: Oh? Do tell.
CLYDE: So a while back, there was this internet troll called Skankhunt42 who began harassing the girls on the school message boards and they all thought that because the troll was male, it somehow spoke for all the boys in the school which I thought sounded ridiculous. The trolling kept on going until the girls decided that they should protest for their own rights by dumping all their boyfriends and breaking all our hearts to show superiority over us. And because of that, it all led to a gender war in school.
NORRIS: Oh my, that's awful. How did you feel? Did you feel betrayed? Sad? Angry?
CLYDE: Well yeah, I did feel betrayed! I was still bitter about them for that list conspiracy as well as my mom's death that I still feel responsible for.
NORRIS: Hold on, when was this?
CLYDE: What? About my mom?
NORRIS: Yeah, I mean what happened to your mom?
CLYDE: Well… [sighs] my mom kept telling me time and time again to put the toilet seat down after flushing, despite the fact that she could've just closed it herself. Then one night, she fell into the toilet and it ripped her organs out, all because I left the seat up again.
NORRIS: Jesus Christ, I'm so sorry to hear all of that Clyde. You must've gone through a lot with those experiences.
CLYDE: Yeah, well apparently, it's always the men that have to close the toilet seat down while the women don't do anything about it. This is why I hate girls in general; they think they own the place and leave boys in the dust. They want us to feel shame and guilt just for the sake of being boys, as if being male means that you can't do anything right, I'm so sick of it right now! Which was why I led my own protest against the girls by… taking my private parts out. In short, committing indecent exposure. Yeah, I know I really shouldn't have done such a thing and I really shouldn't have held a grudge against every girl in my school. But I wish I could just forget all that happened and move on, but they keep [begins tearing up again] sticking in my mind and keep coming back. I just don't know what to do about the whole situation, I really don't know.
NORRIS: I completely understand why, Clyde and how you felt from all those painful memories you've had to deal with in your life. But it's not a good idea to hold onto those fears for anyone, let alone hold a grudge against someone that has wronged you a while ago. Being a boy is nothing to feel guilty about, everyone makes mistakes, no matter what gender we are, whether we're a man or a woman. What matters most is how people think of you as a person, not by your looks. I know it can be hard to let go of past thoughts, but sometimes it's always brave to let go of those grudges and move on from them so you can be happier about yourself. Do you understand?
CLYDE: Well…. yeah, I do now. You've got a point there, Doctor. I really shouldn't have held onto a petty grudge for so long, it's time for me to move on from that and follow into the future.
NORRIS: Now that's something I'd want to hear. Hopefully, you can work things out for yourself. I'm sure you will.
CLYDE: As long as my family and friends support me then I'm sure too. [he gets up and heads for the door] See ya, Dr. Norris, and thank you so much for helping me get through my trauma.
NORRIS: No problem, Clyde. If you have any more problems you're facing, you can also come back to me anytime. Goodbye!
[Clyde exists the office and goes back into the waiting room, where Wendy and Tweek are waiting for him]
WENDY: So how did it go, Clyde?
CLYDE: Well… it's gone pretty well so far. I explained to him everything that I've been going through the past few years and he said that I shouldn't feel guilty just for being a boy and that I should move on from those past memories and think about what lies ahead in the future. Maybe I really should get over my hatred towards you girls, it may take some time, but I can get over it sooner or later.
TWEEK: AGH! Oh dude, I'm so happy for you right now. You see, I told you this would all work out in the end. Didn't I?
CLYDE: Yeah, sure you did. Thanks a lot, pal. I really mean it.
TWEEK: Eh, no problem Clyde.
CLYDE: And Wendy…
WENDY: Yeah?
CLYDE: Thank you so much for helping me get over my fear and… I'm sorry for the way I acted towards you. You really aren't like those other girls that took advantage of me for shoes, I guess there really are some nice girls after all.
WENDY: Well yeah, sure there are! I'm so glad that you're finally deciding to put all those bad memories behind you, they're really not worth thinking about anymore. It has been half a decade since that gender war ended, Clyde.
CLYDE: Yeah, well I know that now. Thanks anyways.
WENDY: It's okay Clyde, glad we could help.
[Bebe's house, sunset. Clyde walks up and sees Bebe talking to Red, Lola and Jenny; the three other girls that manipulated him for shoes]
CLYDE: [deep breath] Okay Clyde, you can do this. Just give Bebe a chance and see if you'll be fine or not. [he walks up to Bebe] Uh, hey Bebe.
BEBE: Oh! Uh… hi Clyde. How's everything so far?
CLYDE: Oh it's… it's gone pretty well actually. I've just got back from therapy.
RED: Therapy?
CLYDE: Yeah. Listen Bebe, I… I'm sorry for the way I acted towards you yesterday. It'd been years since we last spoke to each other after that whole list scandal and when I heard about you wanting to get back with me, I just freaked out and thought you wanted to use me for shoes again. I really shouldn't have held a grudge against you and the other girls for so long.
BEBE: But Clyde, I'm not like that anymore. I've already grown out of that shoe obsession of mine and I've now moved onto other things like dressage and all that. And I'm so sorry for that hideous act we did to you with that list, I'd rather be in a loving relationship with someone over getting some dumb shoes. I'm also sorry for the way I treated you guys in general, it seems I let my popularity get the better of me at times. Could you ever forgive me too?
CLYDE: Oh Bebe, sure I can forgive you! Besides, that was ages ago, it's time for us to move on from that.
BEBE: Yeah, I agree with that!
RED: Hey Clyde. Could you also forgive us for using you for shoes too? We all really regret doing that to you as it was just so wrong of us.
LOLA: Yeah. Please can you forgive us, Clyde?
CLYDE: Girls, I forgive every single one of you for that list. Let's just put all of this behind us, shall we?
RED: Yeah, you're absolutely right there Clyde! Thanks!
BEBE: So what do you say, Clyde? Shall we go to Casa Bonita tonight for dinner? I've heard they just reopened it.
CLYDE: Jeez, I'd love that Bebe! Sure. But promise me that you will never, ever use me to get free shoes again. Promise?
BEBE: Sure Clyde, I promise. I will never do that to you again.
CLYDE: Then that's good to hear! Come on, we've gotta get going. [he takes Bebe's hand and the newly-formed couple head off into the sunset]
BEBE: Oh Clyde, it's so nice to be back with you after so long.
CLYDE: Same here with you, babe.
BEBE: Oh, stop it you, you're making me blush.
CLYDE: Well, let's just say I have my way of doing things. Hehe.
BEBE: Hey Clyde, you don't mind if we text each other sometimes. I'm getting tired of this social media crap.
CLYDE: Bebe, you can text me as much as you like. Just don't go overboard with it, alright.
BEBE: Of course, I won't Clyde. I love you.
CLYDE: Love you too, Bebe.
[end of story]