Disclaimer: If i were in charge of Miyuki-chan In Wonderland instead of CLAMP, there would be a lot more plot and a lot less stripping, though it would still be full of lesbians. Miyuki's ferret Yoshie appears in an episode of CLAMP School Detectives, also CLAMP.

Continuity: Set sometime after the manga.

Miyuki was late coming home from school, and she rushed into her house and slammed the front door as if she were being chased by demons.

Sexy, sexy female demons.

"I'm home!" she called out, but didn't wait for her mother to come and ask about her day. She ran upstairs to her room, as if it were a safe haven. It wasn't; she could be pulled right through the mirror on her vanity into a lesbian hellscape, just as easily as anywhere else.

It was also the location of the only one she could talk to.

It wasn't that Miyuki didn't have friends, or wasn't on speaking terms with her parents. But who would believe her, if she said she kept getting warped to other worlds full of horny women interested in getting her clothes off?

No, the only one she could trust was her pet ferret, Yoshie.

Her room was quiet, and peaceful. It didn't look like it contained a portal to a terrifying new world, though that may be because Miyuki had started to hang a blanket over the mirror on her vanity when she wasn't using it. In every other respect it just looked like an ordinary teenage girl's bedroom. One with a ferret cage on one side of the bed, between it and the window.

Miyuki smiled at the sight of her pet, up on one of the middle ledges in her cage. Her little pink nose twitched happily as her red eyes focused on Miyuki at the door. "Hi, Yoshie. Did you miss me?"

Yoshie jumped down from one ledge to the next, until she could reach out and hook her claws into the links of the cage door.

"Yes, yes, i'll let you out," Miyuki assured her, dropping her schoolbag against the wall before she crossed the room. Ferret cages were quite roomy, but she liked Yoshie to have the extra space to run around in when she was home. Yoshie had more room to play, and Miyuki had the company.

"You wouldn't believe what happened to me today, Yoshie," Miyuki murmured, crouched down to stroke the ferret's soft little head. "Or maybe you would, by now." She sighed, her whole body drooping. "I passed by a clothing store on my way home from school, and i got sucked into the window display. All the mannequins became beautiful women who wanted to dress me up."

Yoshie gave her fingers a consolatory lick before climbing out of the cage past her.

Miyuki smiled ruefully down at the ferret and got up to change out of her uniform. She did it as quickly as she could, pulling on the pants to her comfy green tracksuit under her skirt. Ever since these episodes had started, Miyuki wasn't comfortable taking off her clothes.

"I don't know, Yoshie." She collapsed onto her bed. "Why does this sort of thing always happen to me? Am i some sort of magnet for magical lesbian perverts?"

Yoshie, who had gotten up onto the windowsill to look outside, had no opinions on the matter.

"Or maybe it's me." Miyuki rolled onto her back. "Magic isn't real, right, Yoshie? So if it isn't real, that means it's all in my head – i'm imagining it. But it sure feels real."

Yoshie, sensing her human's distress, made the hop from the window onto the bed.

Miyuki laughed. "That was a good jump, Yoshie!" She reached out to pet the ferret. "But if it's all in my head, what does that say about me? That i want to be stripped down by hordes of beautiful women?" The thought sent a tingle down into her belly.

Yoshie made a little chirping sound.

"You'd like that, wouldn't you, Yoshie?" Miyuki accused, scooping the ferret up. "If i was a lesbian? Because you're afraid of men, aren't you?"

Yoshie looked absolutely delighted at the prospect. Miyuki deposited her on her belly. "But what would i do if i was?"

She tried to think. Surely she must have had crushes on boys before. But no matter how hard she tried, all the significant relationships she could think of were with other girls. "Was that a crush, do you think?" she asked, remembering a girl she'd felt particularly close to in elementary school. She'd been crushed when the other girl moved away. "Why am i asking you? You weren't even around back then."

Yoshie came up to sniff at her face, then curled up in the hollow between Miyuki's neck and shoulder. Miyuki reached up and lay her hand against the ferret. "Maybe i am gay. What do you say, Yoshie? Should i try dating girls?"

Yoshie let out a drowsy cheep. Miyuki took that as a sign. "Maybe if i have a girlfriend, this kind of thing will stop happening."

Could she believe that? Would it be so easy?

Miyuki groaned. She wanted to roll over and bury her face in the pillow, but that would disturb Yoshie. She didn't know how to find a girlfriend. How did you even find out if a girl liked other girls? Unless it was someone who tried to take all her clothes off, but that wasn't the kind of girl she wanted to date.

Was it?

"What do you think, Yoshie?" she asked. "Do you think i can find a normal girlfriend somewhere? And just . . . not be assaulted?"

Yoshie, the disloyal ferret, didn't answer. She was sound asleep.

"Well, i'm going to try," Miyuki decided. "As long as i'm open and honest about my feelings, someone will understand. It's sure to be alright."

Oh, if only.

A/N: Of course, Miyuki very much is a magnet for lesbian perverts, and any girl she dates will be the same way.