A/N: So, awhile ago, I made a Tumblr post that imagined a world in which Wilhuff Tarkin declared a teenage girl his nemesis à la Jack Donaghy from 30 Rock, and then madame_alexandra commented specifically referencing the episode of 30 Rock called "Game Over", and five weeks later, my brain created this.
This is the dumbest thing I have ever written.
Wilhuff Tarkin expected to have a good day. The weather was tolerable on Coruscant, his to-do list was relatively short, the cafeteria had jogan fruitcake on the menu for dessert, and Wilhuff had picked out the perfect birthday holo for the Emperor. It was sincere without being saccharine, thoughtful without being too much, and Wilhuff had already determined the best time to send it for maximum impact. Yes, it would be a very good day indeed.
He had just settled into his office chair with his first mug of tea of the morning when his very good day was upended entirely by that girl.
Wilhuff's datapad lit up repeatedly with alerts of incoming messages. The Senate was in an uproar, the HoloNet News had a singular focus, and his personal assistance was being requested by no fewer than five members of the Elder Houses all because Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan — the only being in the galaxy who caused Wilhuff's seemingly cured nervous eye tic to reemerge — had managed to get herself taken hostage. Again.
She wasn't being held hostage. She knew that, her treasonous father and — more than likely — her duplicitous mother knew that, and Wilhuff Tarkin most certainly knew that. Wilhuff would bet a month's pay that she would come out of the situation inexplicably unscathed with a story about rogue pirates who were more than comfortable stealing her ship and supplies intended for destitute refugees, but felt that holding a princess for ransom was too crass for their delicate sensibilities. No one would question her because no one questioned the Organas. Anyone who dared float the idea that the princess being taken hostage three times in a year seemed unlikely would be met with teenage doe eyes brimming with tears, which seemed to cause every being on Coruscant to backtrack and offer the girl comfort. Every being except Wilhuff.
He had been on to her for over a year, well before she replaced her father in the Senate. Leia Organa was charming, and well-spoken, and an excellent little actress, but Wilhuff had seen through the charade ages ago. Since he first recognized her traitorous ways, Wilhuff couldn't help but notice that the princess seemed to have it out for him in particular. He had wasted days and sometimes weeks at a time chasing down false leads on there whereabouts of the Rebellion, had missed catching the Rebels at various outposts and bases across the galaxy by mere minutes, and on several occasions, had been given false intel about an alleged abundance of starblossom custard in the Senate cafeteria only to arrive for lunch and find that it was bread pudding day — the worst of all dessert days. All of this and more, he was sure, could be traced back to the conniving workings of Leia Organa.
He couldn't talk about his suspicions with anyone any longer. He had already tried, and the responses he received were borderline insulting.
"You think the young princess organized her own kidnapping and robbery? She's been sobbing hysterically for an hour. Have a heart, Governor."
"I don't think Senator Organa has the time or motive to sabotage your personal calendar, Tarkin."
"You're calling a seventeen-year-old girl your nemesis? Wilhuff, are you sure you're quite well?"
He grew tired of being talked down to and whispered about, so he stopped speaking of his suspicions to anyone outside of his inner circle, and even they seemed to just barely tolerate his rants. But today…oh, today, he would prove the Leia Organa was working with the Rebellion, and everyone who had doubted him would be forced to eat their words.
Wilhuff decided as soon as he saw the string of messages from the Elder Houses begging him to do something to help with the rescue of the princess that he would do exactly that. She had been in the Outer Rim, after all, which was his area of jurisdiction. Nothing would please him more, he told all Elder House representatives that sent pleas, than to set up a blockade anywhere that made sense to try to catch the cads who were holding the beloved princess and senator hostage.
His aide seemed suspicious when Wilhuff so readily agreed to help Princess Leia.
"Sir, what are you planning?" he asked.
"I simply plan to rescue the princess," Wilhuff insisted in his most reasonable tone. "And when we capture the ship, I intend to find proof that these pirates are actually Rebel soldiers working with Princess Leia."
"She sounded quite distressed in the ransom holo, sir. If the pirates are Rebels, her life may be in danger."
Wilhuff rolled his eyes. "I highly doubt it."
The aide hesitated. "To what end would Princess Leia cooperate with Rebels, sir?"
Wilhuff pointed a finger at the aide. "She's a spy, I'm certain of it, and she seems to find great joy in ruining my day in particular with her antics."
The aide hesitated even longer, but apparently not long enough to rethink speaking in the first place. "You believe the princess to be targeting you with her spy activity, sir?"
"I don't believe." Wilhuff lifted a shaky finger to his temple and tapped sharply. "I know."
The aide asked no more questions and left Wilhuff's office, muttering about something or other being above his pay grade.
Wilhuff's relatively short to-do list tripled in length by mid-morning. He had authorized three blockades in the Outer Rim near known pirate ports as well as near Princess Leia's last-known whereabouts and had requests for three more that needed to be approved. He answered every comm from concerned senators personally and was forced to act concerned and speak well of the princess in every conversation. He was so caught up in catching Princess Leia in the act of betraying the Empire that he arrived at the cafeteria for lunch right before it closed. There was no dessert left, and none of the remaining cafeteria staff remembered seeing jogan fruitcake that day. In fact, they insisted it had been bread pudding day, but Wilhuff had read the menu that had been sent to him multiple times. They must have all come on shift after the last slice of jogan fruitcake had been taken.
Wilhuff returned to his office with his lunch, fielding comms from the HoloNet News and assuring the reporters that the Empire was doing everything in its power to ensure that Princess Leia was rescued along with her ship and the supplies intended for refugees. The ship was seen dropping momentarily out of hyperspace twice — once near Dantooine, once near Nal Hutta, and Wilhuff could feel that they were closing in.
The Nal Hutta sighting only bolstered the pirate story for the public, and rumors began to circulate that the princess has been sold to the Hutts or perhaps offered as payment for some debt. Wilhuff was not concerned and, he noted with some interest to anyone who would listen, Bail and Breha Organa were not concerned enough to make an appearance on a single HoloNet News show.
"They're likely much too busy trying to make deals with pirates to appear on a broadcast, Tarkin," one of his colleagues countered. "It's unlikely that these scoundrels are watching the HoloNet News anyway. What good would the queen and viceroy making an appearance do?"
"It's suspicious. Any truly worried parent would use any means necessary to get their child back."
"Are you implying that the Organas don't want Princess Leia home safe?"
Wilhuff shook his head. "I'm sure the princess will end up home safe and sound whether we do anything to help or not. Every being that takes her hostage seems to be unnaturally concerned with her wellbeing. Almost as if she's in on her own kidnappings."
His colleague stared, mouth agape, before making her excuses to leave.
Late in the evening on Coruscant, Wilhuff received word that Princess Leia and her entire entourage had been dropped off on a Corellian beach with nothing but their clothing. It had taken most of the afternoon for the princess to be able to make contact with anyone, which meant that Wilhuff's men had been chasing a princess-less ship for hours. Wilhuff was miffed, but Leia Organa was headed back to Coruscant to be debriefed. It would be a late night, but Wilhuff was certain he would be able to dig the truth out of her this time.
When the Emperor asked for a private conference over comm, Wilhuff answered, heart hammering. He hadn't heard from the Emperor all day, but there was no escaping the news about Princess Leia's capture. He was likely coming for an update.
"Wilhuff," Emperor Palpatine croaked, "is there something you intended to tell me?"
"Yes, Your Majesty. Princess Leia has been located and is on her way back to Coruscant as we speak. I expect to debrief her in the next hour and will send you my report as soon as I am finished speaking with her." A curiously long pause followed. Wilhuff wondered if their connection had somehow been interrupted. "Sir?
The Emperor finally spoke. "Thank you, Grand Moff Tarkin. That is all," he said before ending the comm.
Wilhuff had no time to mull over the short discussion with the Emperor. He had to prepare to catch Princess Leia in her lies. She was no doubt tired after a full day of traveling and pretending to be in peril; he should be able to easily outsmart her, and everyone who had doubted him would finally see her for what she was: a conniving traitor.
Princess Leia Organa walked into his office shortly after the rescue ship checked in, head held as high as her diminutive stature would allow. She looked none the worse for wear, and Wilhuff could practically taste vindication. Surely anyone who joined them would see how utterly at ease she appeared and would know that she had played them all for fools.
"Princess Leia," Wilhuff said evenly as his aide followed behind the princess. "We're so glad to see you're well."
"I don't know about well," she said snippily, chin tilted up. "I spent half the morning bargaining with pirates for my life and half the afternoon bargaining with strangers to send a single comm. Governor Tarkin, we must do something about the piracy in the Outer Rim."
"I'm in full agreement, Princess. The regularity with which these incidences appear to occur is concerning. Why, I believe this is the second ship you've had stolen while attempting a mercy mission!"
"It was the third, and it is truly ridiculous. If I hadn't handpicked my staff, I would wonder if one of them was leaking information about possible weaknesses in our security, but I am certain that is not the case."
Blast, Tarkin thought. She had corrected him. He had hoped she would take the opportunity to rewrite history, to downplay the number of ships taken so he could catch her in an obvious lie and begin to unravel her story.
"Your Highness, if you don't mind, will you please explain exactly what happened? Perhaps we'll discover a pattern."
"We were boarded," Princess Leia said. "That's all I know. If you want the exact details, I suggest speaking with my pilot tomorrow."
Wilhuff had to put real effort into stopping himself from rolling his eyes. The princess was almost believable. Almost. And, while he could see right through her pathetic story, he doubted his aide could. The man appeared to be hanging on Princess Leia's every word.
"I would prefer to finish this report tonight," Wilhuff said tersely.
Princess Leia stood and stepped toward the door as if she intended to leave without being dismissed. "I have already sent my staff home for the evening as it is quite late." She yawned theatrically, and Wilhuff thought he might have a conniption if his aide didn't see straight through the act. "Feel free to contact Captain Antilles in the morning. He can better explain how exactly this happened again."
Wilhuff stood and put up a hand in protest. "Your Highness, I promised the Emperor I would send the report right away."
Her smile was patient, demure, almost pained, but Wilhuff detected near-laughter underneath her cool facade. Princess Leia opened the door. "I'm sure Emperor Palpatine has better things to do on his birthday than wait by the comm to hear about my debriefing. Though," She glanced at her chrono dramatically, "I suppose it's not his birthday any longer, is it?"
Wilhuff's stomach dropped. The birthday holo for the Emperor. He had completely forgotten to send it. If he sent it now, it would seem like an afterthought, as if he didn't care enough to send a message on time. Wilhuff swallowed his panic, attempting to recapture the calm, cool expression he had maintained for much of the meeting.
"Is it midnight already?" he asked, glancing casually at his chrono.
"Quarter past, and on that note, I'm going to head home. We have an early vote in the Senate tomorrow and I need to be able to do my duty." Princess Leia took a step and turned around in the doorway. "Say, Governor Tarkin? What did they end up serving for dessert at lunch today? We took the jogan fruitcake for the refugees at the last minute, so I'm afraid it's likely filling the bellies of pirates."
Wilhuff narrowed his eyes, wishing not for the first time that looks could kill or at least seriously injure. "Bread pudding."
"Oh, you hate bread pudding, don't you?" she asked, tone so sympathetic that one might mistake it for condescending mockery. "Shame." Princess Leia smiled once more before turning and walking out of his office.
Wilhuff's eye twitched.
Sheev Palpatine had always loved his birthday. Some might say that Empire Day was enough of a celebration of him, but Empire Day was a celebration of all he had accomplished; his birthday was a celebration of him as a person, and Sheev was certain he wasn't the only one in the galaxy who liked to be appreciated just for who he was from time to time.
He had never forced birthday celebrations in his own honor, but he did make a few subtle hints to Vader about what he considered to be a proper celebration every year as the day approached, and his apprentice never failed to deliver.
Someone who had failed to deliver this year, however, was a certain Grand Moff who Sheev was very disappointed in.
All day, he had received birthday holos, and all day, he had gleefully scribbled little marks — check marks, stars, happy faces, whatever struck his fancy — next to the names on a list of his most loyal subjects to indicate that he had received their birthday well wishes (in fact, Sheev had to add a couple of new names to the list — the birthday holo sent by the young Senator Organa was particularly warm and articulate, especially considering the terribly traumatic day she had apparently had).
✓ Darth Vader ✓
✱ Grand Admiral Thrawn ✱
⭑ Admiral Conan Motti ⭑
:) Senator Leia Organa :)
Every name on the list — from senators to admirals to moffs — had a little mark next to their names. All except one.
Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin.
Sheev was disappointed to say the least. One of his most devoted followers had completely forgotten his birthday. He supposed Wilhuff might still manage to send a holo in the last few minutes before midnight, but a harried, last-minute message was almost worse than the man forgetting his birthday altogether. It indicated a lack of interest and care, perhaps even doubt in Sheev as Emperor.
He watched his chrono turn, one minute after the other, keeping an eye on his datapad for any sign of an incoming communiqué. When the time hit midnight, Sheev sighed, allowing himself to feel the full effect of disappointment in Wilhuff Tarkin. He thought Wilhuff could be counted on, but he was beginning to have his doubts. He pulled out his list of birthday well-wishers and marked the final name with the only symbol that could fully capture how he felt.
:( Grand Moff Wilhuff Tarkin :(