Did She Truly Love You?

Summary: Don and his insecurities about his placement in his mother's eyes. First fic in the series Truly Beloved.

Warning: None

Disclaimer: Still don't own the show, although that would be nice.

A/N: Hey, so I know I said I won't be posting this week due to finals but this story was actually created a while ago and was sitting around so I decided to polish it a bit and post it. Honestly this story kinda started as "what if Don actually understands that Charlie needed to run in his math bubble but still snapped because Don needed his brother there with him" then it grew into "Don Eppes and his loneliness and crippling insecurities about if he's really that needed in both his family's and his friend's life", poor boy. I did take a decent amount if liberties on his background and it has been a while since I've watched the later seasons of the show so I don't really know who actually paid for the medical expenses. But knowing America, it can't be cheap. I'm honestly a little terrified to actually post this because someone might flame me for being a bit too ooc. But after some back and forth with myself, I managed to convince myself to post this thing. This will also be the first fic in a series I call "Truly Beloved" where Don doubts about his position in everyone's world. A lot these doubts I drew from my own thoughts over the years as an older sibling with smarter younger siblings (and I can attest to the fact that they will make you EXTREMELY insecure. Fun times). Anyways, hope you like it. Reviews are welcomed (but please be nice about it). Have a nice day!

Margret Eppes was a remarkable woman. An accomplished lawyer, a mother, a talented musician and composer. She treated everyone with respect and kindness no matter the person. It seemed like there was no limit to the love she gave to others. But sometimes, Don wonders whether or not he was the exception to that.

The doubts had started during his childhood. After Charlie had been born, his parents barely had any time for him. No one was there to read him a story or listen to him. He felt a bit lonely, but he was too afraid to speak. Scared that his parents might realize that they didn't want him anymore. It took them two weeks to realize that something was weighing on his mind.

"Something wrong sweetie?" His mother asked one morning. Charlie was nestled snugly in her arms, sleeping peacefully and his father was on the other side of the table, reading the newspaper. At that question, Don looked away, unable to meet her eyes.

"No…" he mumbled, fidgeting with his hands. He could see his father lower his newspaper and looked at him, then at his mother.

"Donnie…" Alan said, tone gentle. "We can't help you if you don't tell us what's wrong".

Don shook his head, "nothing's wrong", but he could feel the tears start to build up in his eyes.

His mother walked up to him after handing Charlie off to his dad. "Oh Donnie…is this about Charlie?".

Don buried his face in his hands, "Maybe…".

He could hear the chair move and the soft footsteps that meant that she was coming towards him. Then he felt the gentle touch on his shoulder, then another hand on his, prying them off his face. He looked away, unwilling to look at any of them in the face.

"Donnie, can you please tell me what's wrong?" She asked, her tone soft. But Don was stubborn, even back then.

"Nothing's wrong…"

"Donnie I can tell you're lying". She kneeled in front of him and gently touched his face, trying to make him look at her. "You know it hurts us to see you sad."

His head snapped up, eyes wide. "I-I didn't mean to hurt you, it's just that…" he trailed off, furiously wiping the tears from his face.

"Yes…?"

"Do you even love me anymore?"

"Oh Donnie" his mother looked sad. She then moved to embrace him in a warm hug, "is that what this is about?"

He nodded his head, "it's just that you and dad were always with Charlie. No one has time for me anymore". He buried his face even deeper into her embrace, "I thought you didn't love me…"

"Oh sweetie" she said sympathetically as she ran a hand through his hair in a soothing manner, "we will always love you, no matter what. You're our baby after all."

"But what if we had something and we both needed you? Would you choose Charlie over me?"

Margret placed her hand on his chin and coaxed his head up so he would look at her. "Don, there might be times where we can't make it to some of your events, but it doesn't mean that we don't love you".

Don still looked unconvinced.

She wiped the tears from his face with her thumb, "I promise that we'll make sure we give you both the equal attention that you deserve".

"Really?"

She held her pinky up, "I pinky promise". Don cheered up instantly and wrapped his pinky on her's, believing that she would never break it.

Little did he know that it would be the first of many broken promises. Don doubted if she even remembered...or if she cared.

After that, he quickly learned to not dwell on those promises for too long. The hurt had long passed and he grew to get used to seeing the empty seats where his family should've been. His brother needed them more than he did, that much he understood. Sometimes Don wondered whether the promises she made to him didn't mean as much as the promises she made to Charlie. But, like the other doubts he had, he pushed them away. Instead, he focused on his friendships and baseball. After all, his mother was still there to greet him with pancakes and his father was still there to give him a hand. He would be fine.

But then his mother had moved to Princeton with Charlie, and Don felt his world crack a little more. The calls home were often, but there was nothing more than a short "how are you?" and "that's good sweetie". The conversations between his parents lasted for far longer, and she called Alan often when he was away. Alan himself wasn't at the house as often anymore. Don got used to coming back to an empty home, sometimes for weeks if his dad's projects got too busy. Sometimes Don wondered whether one of the reasons she went was to get away from the son who couldn't make her half as proud as Charlie could. After all, he knew in his heart that he could never live up to their expectations, to be better than an average player. So instead, he pushed everything away and joined the FBI, much to his parent's disappointment.

And for a while, everything was fine. He called whenever he could and they always answered. They even spoke for a while whenever he had the time. On days off, he visited home. It was warmer, far warmer than it had been when he last lived there. A small part of him wondered whether he was the reason why the house felt cold sometimes, and whether his family had noticed it as well. But he couldn't dwell on that thought for too long, he had another case to solve.

He threw himself into his job and was climbing the ranks at record speed. His workload steadily got busier and busier. And it wasn't long before he forgot all about his doubts in favour of catching the bad guys. He had a fiancee, a job he loved, and a family. For a while, he didn't wonder about anything.

Then...Margret got cancer. And his world broke even more.

He dropped everything he had and ran back home when he heard the news. At that point, nothing mattered more to him than his family. Not his job, not his team, not even Kim.

After that, everything got worse. His mother became weaker and weaker by the day. They all tried to be optimistic, but Don knew in his heart that they were all just counting the days until the inevitable. Don spent all of his time outside of work in the hospital with her. Alan had to work more hours to help pay for the medical bills, but he was there too, as much as he could. But between the work, his mother's cancer, and Charlie, well...there weren't enough hours in the day for all of them. And Charlie, he ran. He hid away in his world of numbers.

Contrary to what everyone believed, Don understood. At some point, the FBI had become Don's own version of a safety net, a way to get away from his thoughts and problems. But unlike Charlie, he didn't have the luxury of being able to hide, not this time. Everyone relied on him too much. A part of him was jealous of Charlie. His brother was able to hide from his problems, to freely express his emotions through math even if no one understood what it meant. But Don couldn't do the same. They all needed him to be the strong one, to be the one to pick the family up if anything went wrong. But he was secretly terrified. He couldn't do this alone.

But no one was there to help him, not anymore. People stopped being there for him a long time ago.

So, instead of comforting his brother like he should, he snapped. He shouted that their mother needed Charlie there too, that their father needed them. And while he never said it out loud, Don always silently begged for Charlie to understand that he needed him too. There were a lot of things that Don Eppes could take, but the flash of disappointment in his mother's eyes every time she saw that it was him that walked into the room instead of Charlie wasn't one of them.

A part of him was grateful at the fact that his mother wasn't as shrewd as she used to be. For once, he was glad that no one could tell how much pressure he's under, because if his mother knew the truth, she wouldn't confide in anyone. So he buried his feelings and listened as his mother told him that she was in pain, even with the morphine. She hadn't told anyone, not even Alan.

"Your father is under a lot of pressure" she said as she watched his father walk out of the room to go back to Charlie. "I don't it's fair to put this on top of everything else he has going on". Then she leaned back, face laced with exhaustion that she was previously hiding.

Don's hand twitched at that. A part of him wanted to be selfish and scream "What about me?!". But he couldn't. He could tell that his mother was scared and needed someone to talk to. So for her, he buried everything even deeper and smiled, even if he wanted beg his mother to drop the strong act and tell his father about everything. But she had made him promise not to tell Alan.

Despite all the broken promises made over the years, Don didn't have the heart to break this one.

Despite preaching honesty, there were a lot of struggles that everyone hid from each other. Margret and her pain, Alan and his worries, and Charlie with his grief. They managed to make sure not to let everyone else see.

Everyone but him.

One by one, Don was there for every single one of their moments when they were vulnerable, showing him the truth. He reassured his mother whenever she was in pain, placed a comforting hand on his father's back whenever he started to tear up at the sight of Margaret getting weak. And on the rare occasions when Charlie would briefly snap out of his math bubble, he was there to catch him as his brother threw himself in his arms, sobbing at the fact that he just couldn't stop. All of them had begged him not to tell anyone since they didn't want to put more pressure on the situation than they already had. So he never did. He kept everything to himself.

Even that promise.

The one he made to his mother in the early hours of the morning, after a particularly bad wave of pain. The promise that almost sent him over the edge and caused his world to crack even more. And the worst of it was, he was able to agree to it. To smile through the sound of his heart shattering and assure her that he would do it if she really needed him to. Sometimes Don wondered whether or not his mother thought he was heartless enough to actually go through and live with what he'd done. He hoped that wasn't the case.

But then, His mother died, and Don's world broke even more.

His father wasn't there to witness it because he was at work at the time. But Don was. He had a bad feeling that day and decided to take a rare day off. The day started off normal. His mother was actually in a good mood because it seemed like it was one of those rare days where the pain was bearable. They had a small chat about work before his mother looked at him, her face serious.

"Donnie, I need to tell you something"

His heart skipped a beat. "What is it?"

"You and I both know I don't have much time left."

Don took a sharp inhale. "Mom, don't say that"

She shook her head. "I know myself Don, I know whatever they're trying to do isn't working". She gave him a sad look, "And I can tell that you're thinking the same thing. You're the only one who's prepared for the inevitable". She reached out and held his hand, "Your father and Charlie, they're too optimistic. They don't want to think about losing me. I'm afraid of what would happen when I do pass on". She reached out and touched the side of his face, "I'm sorry I've been putting everything on you, but can you do one last thing for me?"

He leaned his head into his mother's hand "Anything for you".

"Please, take care of everyone when I'm gone. Can you do that?"

He took a deep breath and smiled, nodding. "Of course, you didn't even need to ask."

She smiled, running her hands through his hair lovingly, "That's my boy, always so strong and reliable."

"I try to be," he replied, shrugging.

She then let go of him and leaned back, her face relaxed. "I can finally let go of my worries now that I have you to rely on". He was about to ask her what she meant by that when her eyes suddenly rolled into the back of her head, her body seizing

He jumped up, surprised. His mother was shaking so hard the bed rattled. Suddenly a flurry of doctors and nurses rushed in, wheeling down the equipment needed to resuscitate her. He didn't even protest when he was pushed out of the room. He could only watch in stunned silence as she shaking stopped, and his mother suddenly went still. Everyone tried over and over again to revive her. And he was there when the doctors finally stopped, announcing the time and date of her death.

Don didn't have time to process. He was on his feet and instantly called his father, telling him to go to the hospital this instant. He didn't remember what he did while he waited. He just stood there, frozen on the spot like someone had shut him down. He didn't even notice anything going on around him until he heard a tentative and worried voice.

"Donnie?".

He looked up and saw his father, disbelief written all across his face. It took everything in Don's willpower to not collapse on the floor right there. Instead, he clenched his fist and shook his head. Don could tell the instant that his father's legs gave away. He somehow managed to grab Alan and then lead him to a nearby chair. Don never saw his father cry until that day. And all he could do was hold and reassure him that everything will somehow be alright.

After that, it was all a blur. The one thing that Don remembered the most was coming home to his brother. As soon as he walked in the garage, Charlie turned around and saw him. Something must've shown on his face, because he could remember the exact moment when his brother realized that their mother was gone. The chalk he was holding fell from his hands as he whispered, "No...". His face was full of despair.

Don could only muster a small, "I'm sorry buddy" before Charlie collapsed. For the second time that day, Don caught someone before they could fall to the floor. Charlie instantly hugged onto him for dear life, sobbing and apologizing for not being there. Don held him close, rocked him back and forth while running a hand through his brother's curly hair, just like their mother used to do. He didn't remember how long Charlie had held on. All he remembered was whispering reassurances until his voice was hoarse and his brother had fallen asleep due to exhaustion.

After putting his brother into bed, he went to his father to make sure everything was okay. At the sight of Alan clutching the photo frame of Margaret in his arms, Don sat down by his side. He listened as Alan told stories about her, stories he's never heard of before. So he sat there and smiled as he gently coaxed his father to go to sleep. Once Don knew that they were both asleep, he went towards the bathroom.

Looking around, he noticed that the warmth seemed to dissipate, as if the house knew their main source of light was gone. He gripped the phone in his hand. How are we going to go on? He didn't think he had any strength left to carry everyone. He stepped inside the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Looking at himself in the mirror almost gave him a nasty shock. He looked pale, tired, and worn. There were deep eye bags under his eyes. Is that even me? He almost couldn't believe it.

God, I am a mess. A part of him wanted to laugh hysterically. His mother trusted the welfare of the family to him when he could barely take care of himself. He wanted to run, he wanted to scream, he wanted to do anything else but face the reality of his situation. He shook his head and gripped the bathroom sink tightly, glaring at his reflection. "No, you don't get to run. You don't have a choice. You promised her. You only have yourself from now on".

Standing upright, he looked at his hands. They were shaking. God, how am I supposed to do this? What if I fail her? What if I end up making things worse? What if I- suddenly the floodgates opened. Every thought and doubt he's ever had crashed into him like a tidal wave. The grief that he managed to push down surged back up again tenfold, consuming him. His heart felt like it had shattered, the remaining pieces turning into dust on the ground. Tears started to stream down his face unwillingly. He gripped his head and slowly sank to his knees. "Why me?" he sobbed, "I can't- I can't do this".

You were never good enough, they were better off without you. You were always a disappointment. His mind screamed doubt after doubt, insecurity after insecurity. It ripped his psyche open, forcing him to confront all the thoughts he pushed down over the years. He didn't know how long he spent on the floor of the bathroom crying. Slowly but surely, he was able to shake himself out of it. He got up again, his legs shook as much as his hands, but he was steady. Then he went to the bathroom mirror again and washed his face under the sink.

"Okay, now that you've had your time to grieve, you will get out there and call the funeral home. Then you're going to call everyone to let them know that mom died. After that, you WILL be there for Charlie and Dad. Do whatever it takes to help them get through this. You won't cry, you won't complain, you won't get angry. Just be there for them. Remember, Mom trusted you to take care of them, to be the strong one and that's what you're going to do" he hissed, glaring at his reflection. He took a deep breath and forced himself to stand straighter.

"It's all going to be fine" he muttered under his breath, wrapping his arms around his body. Don doesn't even know if he's saying that to comfort or delude himself. He managed to push down all the other thoughts now that he had an objective. Looking at his hands, he was glad to see that they weren't shaking too much. "I'm fine, I'll always be fine" he chanted over and over again.

But he wasn't, and he hadn't been for a long time.

His world had been completely shattered. The only thing he could do is pick up the pieces and hope he doesn't lose any along the way.