Chapter 7: Thoughts

Zuko remained silent. He could sense her presence, even in the pitch-black void that had enveloped them. He laid, staring up at the ceiling waiting for his eyes to adjust to the darkness. He was focused on her breathing. Waiting for the evening out of her breath, signifying that she was asleep.

He was not sure how long he laid there listening. Minutes, hours, it all flowed together. But eventually he did notice the change in her breathing. The evening out of her breaths and the cease of her continually readjusting her position. He was a little surprised that she could fall asleep in his presence. But she did keep saying that they needed to learn to trust each other. The god of fate truly had to be laughing at him, that he had to trust his enemy. Had to serve his enemy. But then, the god of fate was never kind to him. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth as he reached up and felt around the edges of his scar.

What would his father say about this?

But Zuko already knew the answer to that question.

You will learn respect…. Father is gonna kill you.

He knew his father's ideals of power and world conquest. By swearing the oath Zuko would be labelled a traitor to the Fire Nation, he would be, is, he corrected himself, a fugitive. As soon as he had accepted the life debt, even before he spoke the vow, he was as good as dead to his father now. He would be seen as aiding the enemy, the very people his father and nation sought to conquer.

Suffering will be your teacher...

The last words he had heard from his father before he had delivered the last blow. Despite the memory, suddenly he was filled with longing. To see his nation at least one more time. To experience the monsoon rain's after the months of dry summer heat, to swim in the crystal clear waters that lapped at the beaches of his beloved homeland. His home was hot, the foods full of flavor, unlike here at the north. He felt a deeper pang of loss as everything was sinking in. The very real possibility of never seeing his homeland again.

You will learn… Azula always lies.

The darkness pressed down on him wrapping around him like a cloak, suffocating and disorienting. His chest tightened, breathing becoming a chore as the panic gripped him with relentless intensity. He tried focusing on his breathing, a panic attack now would do him no good. But his mind kept turning through memories of all these what if's. He could feel his heart rate increase, trying to control his breathing leaving him feeling as though he could not get enough air. And for the first time since that fateful night all those years ago he felt moisture in his eyes.

Father's gonna kill you.

He was sure he would never see his homeland again. And he had been fighting so hard these past few years to reclaim his honor. Capture the avatar like his father had ordered. He had tried. He alone had gotten closer than anyone before him. So many times, so close to the object that would give him the right to reclaim his destined place at his father's side again. It had all been there for him to take. But like always, the god of fate had dangled it all in his face, only to snatch it away again. But this time it was gone forever.

His heart clenched.

Suffering will be your teacher.

With his sworn oath to honor the life debt he was bound to Katara. Bound body and soul to follow and serve wherever she went. Until he died, or she released him. But would she ever release him? Some saved had spent their lives in servitude, never released, per the history books he had read as a child. Was that to be his fate?

And Katara followed the Avatar everywhere, helped him, trained with him. If this war leads them right to the Fire Nation's shores, could he fight with her, protect her there, fighting against his own people, his family. He knew he could not refuse her if she commanded him to fight. Even now every order she gave him he was compelled to immediately obey. Any hesitation or resistance on his part was becoming more painful the longer he waited to comply. The mark on his chest in his hesitation began to feel like fire licked at his skin.

You will learn… suffering...

A chocked sob escaped his lips as the pain in his chest grew, and he prayed to Agni that Katara had not heard. He could feel the temperature in the room rising as his panic chocked him. And in the spiraling loss of control, he could not understand why, after two weeks in a cell, that he was plagued with these thoughts now. Why could he not be locked away in the cold cell to suffer through this panic alone. He rolled to his side facing the wall trying to muffle his sounds. Trying to stop the assaulting thoughts of his father from running through his head.

He squeezed his eyes shut to stop the gathering moisture threatening his eyes. He was so focused on trying to keep quiet, and trying to stop the panic that he did not realize she was beside him until he heard his name from her lips and felt her fingers graze his shoulder. He immediately moved away from her touch, the same time she drew her hand away with a sharp intake of breath. He then felt the cold wetness around him as the wall was melting from the heat he was giving off. After a few seconds light flooded the room as Katara returned with the lamp relit to asses him.

"Zuko what is wrong?" she was asking.

But he could not answer, could barely breathe as the fear was chocking him. Katara coated her hand with water and was running it over him, searching for the problem but finding no physical ailments.

"Tell me what is wrong." She demanded.

He had to answer her command, the words ripping out of him on a gasped breath, "It's too much." He clamped his hands over his ears trying to quite the voices in his head. "I will never get it back now, and it hurts."

Katara's healers mind was running through the possibilities. He was not physically injured, not sick, not poisoned, she was sure. But his heartrate was elevated, and he was giving off too much heat. And he was squeezing his eyes shut again and his hands still clamped over his ears trying to block out invisible voices. Then she suddenly sensed his distress like a ripple in the water.

Gently, she reached out to him, her touch light and soothing with the water still swirling around her hand like a glove. "Zuko," she whispered, her voice carrying a mixture of concern and compassion. Reaching and trying to pry one of his hands away from his ear so he could hear her. "Zuko look at me."

And he did, his golden eyes searching her face before resting on her gaze. His body trembling, his breath coming in ragged gasps. The fear in his eyes pierced her heart, and she understood that something deeper than physical wounds was tormenting him. In this moment he was broken and vulnerable.

"You are safe." She whispered. "I will not harm you. Let me help you."

With hesitant movements, Zuko gradually released his grip on his ears, his hands trembling. The cacophony of his own thoughts seemed to overwhelm him, and he struggled to find solace in the midst of the storm raging within his mind.

"Give me your hands." She stated softly, but firmly. Holding her hands out for his.

He did as she ordered, dropping his hands into hers, and she then maneuvered herself closer to him. His heat completely enveloping her. She placed one of his hands open palmed on his chest, placing hers on top to hold his in place, so he could feel the rise and fall from his ragged breathing and the racing of his heartbeat. She then placed his other hand on her chest, palm flat against her skin and held it there so he could not pull away.

"Breathe with me, Zuko." She urged, demonstrating a slow measured breath, exaggerating the rise and fall of her chest so she knew he could feel it. "Slowly in, and out." She whispered. "In, and out. Focus on counting in, two, three, four, five. And out, two, three, four, five."

The rhythm hypnotic with her whispered words, guiding him through the grounding exercise. Zuko's breaths gradually aligned with her, the frenetic rhythm of his heart beginning to steady. The temperature in the room slowly decreasing to its normal negative degrees. She made him continue the slow even breathing until his skin had cooled, and only then did she release his hands. She maneuvered, the water around them responding to her call and pulling away to leave them dry, climbing back up the walls in a thin layers and she froze it back in place.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked him softly.

"No." was all he in answered, as he felt shame pool in his belly.

"Okay." Was all she said in response before she picked up the lantern and went back to her bed. Once under the covers she made no move to extinguish the light. And eventually she fell back asleep watching the dance of the small flame as it flickered in the darkness.

Author's Note:

So, ya. Starting out kind of slow since our little group is still at the Northern water tribe seven chapters later. But fear not, our little group will leave this little bubble and begin. These last few chapters have just been to give the sense of what new path Zuko has found himself on, and how he feels about it. How Katara feels about it. And yes they are enemies, as Zuko has pointed out several times. (a ironic notion to him). But other then the fight in the Northern water tribe, nothing to major has happened between them fight wise for Katara to hate him (or at least it hasn't in my preset stage). And trust, yes she uses this word but it is something earned. Will they earn it? and if so, will they keep it?

For those of you sticking with me on this journey: Thank you! And hopefully I will do it justice. And any comments, suggestions, or writing tweaks are much appreciated. Thank you!