"HI DAD"

She stood there, lost in thought as she stared at the neglected grave. It was clear that no one had visited it for quite some time. The earth was dry and cracked, and grass had sprouted around it. The plants had grown so tall that it was difficult to make out the words on the stone.

She felt guilty for a second. But then her rational side came out. It wasn't as if there was anyone there, after all.

It was the first time she had visited his grave since the funeral that had taken place years ago. When she was young, she hadn't been able to do so. And as she grew up, she didn't really see the need. It was just a piece of stone. Her father wasn't there. He wasn't anywhere. It was better to stay in Seattle and forget everything related to that town. Even his grave.

"I still think you shouldn't have saved me that day."

It came out of her mouth unconsciously. It wasn't something she had ever said out loud before, but it was always on her mind. The thought that, maybe, if her father hadn't had a freaking hero complex, things would have been different.

Would she have died? Maybe. But it would have spared her everything that came after. All the pain.

The heartbreaking cries of her mother in the middle of the night. The sadness of not knowing why she spent so many days alone. The guilt of watching her uncle cry on the day of the funeral. The pill jar she found empty by her mother's bedside and her despair at seeing that she couldn't wake her up. The absence of the man she loved so much.

Growing up with fear of love, for all that you love may one day be lost.

Everything would have been easier. Only if her father had been selfish and prioritized himself.

She sighed. It was getting hard to breathe, but there was no way she was going to cry. She had decided long ago not to do it anymore.

"You should be alive."

She knelt down and laid the flowers on the stone, removing some of the dirt around them. They were really pretty. Didn't fit the scenery.

Anna didn't exactly know the reason that had led her to visit the cemetery that morning. There were no special dates, no anniversaries of any kind. She and her mother had even decided not to remember any dates related to her father's death, because it made it easier to forget and move forward.

Nevertheless, the day had started with a certain kind of feeling. What kind? She didn't know exactly, only that she had to go that day.

Perhaps she hoped that by doing so, the nightmares would end. Maybe it was her way of making amends: Hey dad, I will visit your grave more often if you let me sleep at night.

She laughed bitterly to herself. It had definitely been a bad night, her dark circles under her eyes gave her away.

⸻

It was a calm afternoon at the shop, and it was no surprise given that the day in La Push was perfect. Despite the January chill, the sun shone brightly in the sky, so it was highly likely that most tourists were at the beach, enjoying the weather.

A yawn escaped her mouth. She wished she could be outside too, feeling the warmth of the sun on her face.

She was about to lean her elbows on the counter when the store bell rang, signaling someone's entrance. She quickly straightened up, putting on her best smile.

"Hi, what can I help you with?" she asked, furrowing her brow momentarily as she noticed the two boys in shorts and sleeveless shirts. She was sure it was a nice day outside, but not that nice.

"Hi," one of them replied, a calm smile on his lips. "We were looking for a gift."

Anna nodded. "Okay, what kind of gift?"

He pondered for a moment. "Let's see... Something that says 'sorry for ignoring you all this time, now I think I like you and want to be with you' right Jared?"

The mentioned one rolled his eyes, probably due to the excess of information. "She wears a lot of jewelry, so I think she would like something like that."

"Well, let's see. I have some bracelets that she will surely like."

The two boys examined the options, but it was evident that the more interested one was the boy named Jared, while the other seemed almost bored.

Anna couldn't help but steal quick glances at them while the question continued to linger her mind: who goes out so underdressed in the middle of winter?

"I think... Yeah, this one here." As she predicted, Jared was the one to choose.

"Nice choice. Let me wrap it up for you."

As Anna prepared the gift, the bell rang once again. She glanced up, her eyes brightening at the sight of the new person entering the store.

"Hi guys!" she greeted them warmly.

Her enthusiasm wasn't returned.

It seemed as if the boys had seen a ghost, because suddenly their expressions became serious and cautious, as they looked at her current customers. Quil even looked annoyed, with a deep scowl growing on his face.

"Hi Anna," Jake responded, his voice carrying a hint of restraint.

There seemed to be an unspoken tension brewing among the four boys. Anna sensed an intangible shift in the air, but struggled to pinpoint the source. The once warm and welcoming atmosphere now felt terrible uncomfortable.

"There you go," she smiled, the bracelet now perfectly tucked away in a box. A small pink bow adorned it. "Hope she likes it."

"Thanks," the other boy, whose name she didn't know, replied. Then, as he glanced at her friends with a hint of mockery, he added, "Anna." Returning his face to her, he winked. "Hope to see you another day doll."

She blinked, stunned, and before she could respond, the boys were already exiting the store, exchanging defiant glances with Jacob and Quil, who remained in a corner.

"What were you doing with the cult?" was the first question that came out of Quil's mouth.

"You mean the people who just bought in the store? My job I think."

Quil let out a snort. "See you another day doll," he mimicked the boy's voice, contorting his features into comical expressions. "He wished."

Anna smirked. "He was cute, actually," she teased, more to provoke her friend. Though in reality, yeah, the boy was cute.

It worked, because Quil looked almost offended. "You didn't call Paul Lahote cute, take that back."

"You don't know girls. We can't resist a guy with that bad-boy aura who we just know will break our hearts," she chuckled. Catching a glimpse of Jacob's solemn expression, who had remained silent, she quickly shifted her tone and continued, "Sorry, do you guys know them? Why did you call them a cult?"

Jacob and Quil exchanged glances for a quick second, but Anna didn't lose sight of the interaction.

Quil was the one to answer. "Just some assholes who think they own here."

"Mm... They seemed nice." Quil raised an eyebrow. Anna rolled her eyes. "I don't mean that nice! I mean they were friendly."

"They're just big show-offs."

"Okay, I get it. Show-offs, bad. Quil and Jacob, good," she shook her head with a small laugh. "Anyways, what are you doing here?"

"We were just on our way to see Embry," Jacob explained. It was the first time he had spoken. Anna could see that he hadn't found the subject amusing at all. That made her feel a bit embarrassed. "He missed school today so we wanted to check on him. And since we're passing by, we thought we'd say hi."

"Oh, hi then." She tried to hide the stupid grin on her face. It was useless. Then she cleared her throat. "Sorry, is Embry okay?"

"His mother told us he had a fever."

She furrowed her brows in concern. "That's bad. Tell him I hope he recovers soon."

⸻

Sundays were, without a doubt, the worst day of the week for Anna. They felt like an eternity of waiting, an extended pause before the return to the monotony of the week. No matter how much she tried to enjoy the day, there was always a persistent sense of anxiety and anticipation in the back of her mind.

She had already done all her homework. She had already cleaned the house. She had prepared the food. She had flipped through all the channels on TV and read all the books on the bookshelf in her room.

Now all that was left for her was to lie back, staring at the ceiling, hoping that time would pass a little faster.

That's until she heard the doorbell ring.

She frowned. Darlene was still at the hospital and no one had called to let her know they were coming. Who could...

"Bella?"

Her cousin smiled at her, awkward and shy as always. It was good to note that the dark circles under her eyes were becoming less prominent.

"Hi..." she said softly. "I know this is weird but any interest in hiking today? The day is killing me."

The proposal seemed simple, Bella thought. And it was good that they had already talked about it. She hated using her cousin for this, but Jacob was busy, something about a family member's birthday, and she really didn't want to return to the empty state that appeared every time she wasn't occupied.

"Uhm..." Anna looked down and noticed that the girl was already wearing her hiking boots. It was hard to say no to such enthusiasm. "This is totally strange but sure, I guess."

She let Bella in as she went upstairs to change her clothes, trying to set aside the oddity of the proposal and focus on the present. She left a note for Darlene in case they got back late and once she closed everything up, she climbed into Bella's truck.

Anna was the first to break the silence. "So where are we going?"

"Well..." Bella began slowly. "I know a place in the forest... It's uhm very nice really. A little meadow. I think if we walk all the way south, we can find it."

"Great."

The rest of the trip passed in silence. One would think that with the amount of time the cousins spent together—traveling in the same vehicle and sitting together every day at lunch— the dynamic between them would be less awkward by now.

One would think.

"We have to be careful," Anna commented as she looked around her surroundings. "Ever since I got here all I hear about is animal attacks in the forest."

Bella ignored her comment. "It's this way."

As they walked, each of the girls seemed to be in a different bubble, even though they were only meters apart. Anna could see that she was the slowest, or perhaps Bella was just too focused on finding the place she was looking for. Her steps were big, at times almost like she was running.

On the other hand, Anna took her time to observe nature. She had never had the chance to walk in the forest. Her parents had warned her from a young age that it was something dangerous, that she could get lost or hurt.

But it was really something beautiful. The trees were tall and majestic, their branches reaching up towards the sky. Sunlight filtered through the leaves creating a dappled pattern on the ground.

As they walked deeper into the forest, the sounds of civilization began to fade, replaced by the chirping of birds and rustling of leaves. Anna felt a sense of calm and peace wash over her. This wasn't so weird after all.

"This is amazing," she let out, a genuine smile spreading across her face. "Bella?"

Her smile vanished instantly, giving way to an expression of horror as she watched her cousin fall to the ground, curled up with her arms clutching her chest.

It had all happened in a second. "Bella!"

She ran to kneel beside her, taking the girl by the shoulders. Her heart beat fast as she watched Bella's pained expression. She kept her eyes closed and looked like she was having trouble breathing, her chest rising and falling with each gasp.

"Bella! What's wrong?" Anna asked urgently, her voice tinged with concern.

She tried to pull the girl into a sitting position, but her cousin's body remained rigid. Desperately, Anna pushed her hair away from her face, trying to get a better look at her, looking for some kind of answer to what was happening.

"He's gone," Bella murmured. "I couldn't find it. I couldn't find the meadow. He's gone."

"What?"

Bella gasped for air once again. And this time Anna used all her strength to lift her up, falling on her back in the process. She hurried to sit up and take her cousin's face in her hands, forbidding her to return to the previous fetal position.

"Bells, look at me, yes? Open your eyes."

"He's gone, nothing makes sense anymore..."

"Fuck him."

"I thought I might see him here again..."

"Yeah? Well, he doesn't deserve to see you."

Bella finally opened her eyes. Bright and red from the tears that were still falling. Anna gently brushed them off her cheeks. "Breathe with me okay? Deep breaths."

The older nodded slowly, listening to her. Together they took three deep breaths. By the third, the trembling and chocking in the girl's body seemed to have stopped a little.

Anna moved closer, holding her tightly. She rubbed soothing circles on her back as she waited for the spasms and tears to cease.

After a while, Bella's voice came out, strange and small "I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

"Let's just get out of here, please."

On the way home Anna decided to take the wheel. Bella remained curled up on the passenger side, her eyes completely shut. Everytime she stole a quick glance at her, the furrow in her brow only seemed to deepen, and her breaths remained shallow and uneven.

She couldn't leave her at home like that.

"Where are we?" Bella asked once the truck parked. Her eyes struggling to open.

"My house," Anna replied. "Sleep here tonight. It will be our own version of girls' night."

Bella didn't laugh, she showed no signs of resistance or refusal. And that only made it clear how bad she was hurting. The girl just followed her around the house like a wounded ghost, received the tea and clothes Anna gave her to sleep in, and dropped onto the younger girl's bed.

Anna lay down next to her after a moment. She considered sleeping on the living room couch, but even with Bella, there was plenty of space in the bed.

"I'm sorry," Bella's voice came out as a whisper. "You must think there's something very wrong with me."

In the darkness, Anna half-smiled. "There's definitely something wrong with you. But it's nothing to be ashamed of or apologize for."

A long silence settled in the room. Anna closed her eyes, until she heard her cousin's voice again.

"How did you get through it?" she asked. "I mean, when your father died. I know it's not the same and I feel horrible for even asking but..."

"I don't think you're horrible Bella, I understand your point," Anna interrupted, reassuring her. "I didn't get through it instantly and... I don't think I was fully aware of what it meant until years later."

She paused, her eyes briefly wandering in search of the next words. Uncertainty flickered within her, unsure of how much her own personal journey, or some part of it, could truly resonate with Bella.

And yet, there was a flicker of hope that compelled her to attempt sharing it.

"When I did, when I was conscious that my father had died it felt..." she sighed. "I can't even explain it. And it was so much worse when I realized he had died partly because of me."

"It wasn't your fault," Bella contradicted, Anna could almost feel her frown in the darkness.

"I know," Yes, it was. "But that didn't change things. He put himself at risk to secure me first. So in my head, it had been my fault. Every time my mother looked at me, I felt guilt. I felt as if I had been responsible for taking away what she loved most."

"Anna that... That's not..."

"It doesn't matter Bella, I felt that way," she began to play with her hands on top of her stomach. "I shut myself down. No one understood me because no one understood my guilt. So I distanced myself from everyone I knew and became cold, or that's what my mother loves to say," she smiled sadly. "But I couldn't see any other way. Nothing made sense. When I got older and saw all that we had done to move on... Leave Forks, live in Seattle... I asked myself what was the point of it all? If all could vanish in a single night."

"And since I felt that it had been partly my fault for being with him that day, for having insisted on getting on that boat, I told myself that I didn't deserve to start over. It made sense to me that I didn't deserve to live, to move, love or be loved. But more, I didn't want to be. For what? If you love, you lose."

"What change then?" Bella asked. She had turned on her side.

"Mostly? Julia," Anna smiled, a warm glow filling her as she reminisced about her bubbly blonde friend. "I met Julia back in sixth grade, and ever since then, she's been the best thing that ever happened to me. But please, don't ever tell her that," she added, chuckling lightly.

"You see, she has this incredible ability to take anyone out of their comfort zone and dynamite any wall you may have built around yourself. She reminded me how easy things can be when you share your burden with someone else, when you have someone to lean on."

"You're saying I have to find myself a Julia?"

Anna laughed at the idea. "I don't know. I don't know who or what your Julia might be. But what I do know is that one day the pain will be more bearable. And when you look back you will be thankful you tried. So at least try, Bella."

"But... All I do is try."

Anna turned on her side, facing her. The moonlight was beginning to shine through the window, allowing her to see the defeated expression on her cousin's face.

"I'm not saying you have to be the happiest or completely ignore your pain. And anyone who asks you to do that is an idiot," she smiled as she saw her cousin slightly lift the corner of her lips. "But don't give yourself completely to it. Look around you, you have people who love you. You're not alone."

"Look at me. I have nightmares every night, I get scared of my own feelings and, at times, I ask myself what is the point of it all. But then I look around me, I look at the little things that make me happy, no matter how ridiculous they are. I look at Julia and I say to myself, hey it's not so bad. And so, I keep trying the next day."

"It sounds exhausting."

"I didn't say it wasn't."

Bella sighed.

"Anna?"

"Mm?"

"Sorry for not being there for you," she murmured soflty, her tone tinged with a touch of regret and sincerity.

"There's nothing to apologize for. It's not like we've kept in touch."

"Still."

They were silent for a while.

"What I don't forgive you for is pulling my hair when we were six."

"I told you I didn't like being called Isabella."

Anna smiled and finally closed her eyes, feeling the heaviness of sleep overcome her.