Gone Without a Trace: Uncovering the Truth Behind the Missing Mug
by
Sierra Sutherwinds
Newkirk sneaked in, but Schultz was already there to reprimand him. "Roll call began two minutes ago. Where were you?"
"Doing the washing up. You may tell your Kommandant that we're out of soap again."
"Very funny. It's a good thing that he's too busy talking about his Führer's mug again."
"Jolly good, how little it takes to make him happy, right?" Newkirk waited for Schultz to go away before turning to Hogan. "All is clear on the horizon, sir. We're on hiatus until further notice."
"Good to know… I would send you all on vacation but Klink needs us here to admire him admiring his new Führer's mug."
"Now I know why they're losing this war. Who spends money on a hundred cups with his own face as a present for his officers, anyway?" LeBeau rolled his eyes, cursing in French.
"Oh, I wouldn't want to burst Klink's bubble but I don't think the Führer knows about this PR campaign." Kinch hid his hands in his jacket pockets, missing the applause when Klink dismissed the prisoners.
"There he goes, polishing that thing again. He treats it like his favorite toy."
"Aww, Carter, we all know how much you miss your teddy bear," Newkirk chuckled heading back to the barracks.
"I don't have a teddy bear, I never did," Carter smirked and followed his friends.
"One of these days, that mug is going to fall and break."
"Kinch, don't do anything funny without telling me first." Hogan patted him on the back. "I just want to be there when that happens."
—-
The mug was in a glass cupboard in the reception area and every day, at the same hour, Schultz was in charge of polishing it. The prisoners were allowed around it for cleaning purposes only, and Schultz had to be there to make sure that nothing happened to Klink's precious possession.
One day, Schultz came to Barrack 2 unexpectedly. He entered and closed the door behind him.
"Schultz, you are pale. Did something happen?" Carter offered him his seat at the table while LeBeau brought him some water.
"I'm sorry about the mug but all the glasses are dirty…we still don't have soap."
"The mug!" Schultz hid his face in his arm and cried.
"It's okay, we can clean them with water," said Carter, tapping him on the arm.
"Hey, Schultzie, what's wrong?" Newkirk sat next to him. "C'mon, it can't be that bad."
"It is bad. It is horrible, this is a disaster! Ach du lieber Gott, it's lost!"
"We already know you're losing the war," Newkirk smiled. "You've got to see that coming sooner or later."
"It's not the war, Newkirk… The mug!"
"The Führer's mug? What happened?" Kinch sat on the other side. "Start from the beginning."
"I polish it every hour, following the ⁹Kommandant's orders… but when I went the last time, it wasn't there. The mug is gone!" Schultz cried again.
"Kinch, what did you do with the mug, naughty boy?" Newkirk grinned.
"I didn't do anything, I've been here all the time." He shook his head. "I have never been close to that thing. It's ugly enough seen from the door."
"Don't be a joker, Kinchloe, this is serious," Schultz sniffed. "When the Kommandant sees the mug is gone, we're going to be in trouble, all of us."
"All of us? Why?" Carter said. "We're not allowed to touch it. You were the one responsible for it." He paused, biting his lower lip. "I'm sorry, Schultz… is there anything we can do to help?"
"I need to find the mug before Klink-"
Klink yelling for Schultz ignited a prolonged howling from the kennels. The sergeant jumped to his feet, staring at the door. "He's coming… he's going to kill me."
"What's going on?" Hogan came out of his office.
"It's Schultzie, hiding from the Kommandant, one more time." Newkirk grinned as Klink yelled and the dogs howled again.
"I might be wrong, but it seems that Klink is calling you." Hogan went to the sink, looking for a clean mug.
"Schultz lost the Führer's mug," said Carter.
"It wasn't me. The mug vanished from the cupboard."
"The hideous thing? Was it stolen?"
"That would be odd," Newkirk laughed. "Who'd want to take that thing? It's hideous."
"Would you stop calling it a hideous thing?" Schultz dragged his feet to the door. "This is going to be the start of dark days, boys, very dark days for all of us."
Hogan frowned as he turned to see his men. "I don't like how that sounded -"
Klink's voice rose again, calling Hogan.
"Well, that sounded worse," said Carter.
"I wonder who did it." Kinch rubbed his chin, turning to Newkirk.
"Who would have the guts?" Newkirk chuckled.
"Was it you, Louie?" Carter smiled.
"I wish it was but no, somebody beat me to it." He smirked, turning to Newkirk. "I would bet it was Newkirk."
"Oh, no, not me. Let me out of it."
"Really? It looks like the perfect job for you," said Kinch. "I'd bet it was you too."
"Are we making a poll about this? Because I'm in," Carter laughed. Several men sitting on the bunks nodded to that.
"Mates, what is this? Organizing the bets is my specialty," said Newkirk, taking out a small notebook. "All right, boys, form a line and put your bets on the table."
Ooooooo
The day went slower than usual after Klink gathered everybody in the yard and lectured them on honesty and criminal conduct. He appealed to their honor, moral beliefs, and the love of their mothers. Nothing seemed to dig into the prisoners. They kept making jokes and, inside the barracks, the bets continued rising by the minute.
"Okay, so far, we have six usual suspects, including Schultz, Langenscheidt, and Colonel Hogan," Carter announced to the group.
"Wait a minute, I'm on the list? What position?"
"Last… but I can take you out if you want to."
"I don't mind I made the list, but why am I in the last place? I can pull a joke on Klink as well as anybody else." Hogan shook his head. "Who's in the first place?"
"Do you have to ask?" Newkirk sighed, pointing at himself with his pencil. "Bets are closing soon, perhaps you would like to try your luck."
"Nah, I know you did it."
"Right, Newkirk, why don't you say it? It's not like we're going to tell Klink about you," Kinch smiled.
"I think you're a hero. They'd better give you a medal for this, right, Mon Colonel?"
"I would put you on that list if I could." Hogan nodded. "I'm proud of you but I don't know if it was worth taking the risk."
"I'm not a hero. Those shoes are too big for me feet." Newkirk lowered his eyes, staring at the pieces of paper on the table.
"You're my hero, Newkirk." LeBeau nodded with a smile. "Whatever you do to annoy the Kommandant is worth it."
"Klink is having the worst day of his life, that's priceless," said Kinch.
"I think we can close the bets now. Tell us that you did it and let's see who had it right." Carter went for a glass of water. "Hey, there's no water."
"Quoi?"
"Klink's revenge?" Kinch asked Hogan.
"Not revenge, this is retaliation. He told me that there would be consequences until we give him the thief or he comes forward on his own."
"He can't do that, can he? We're protected by the Geneva Convention… right?"
"He did it, Carter. Le cochon." LeBeau smirked.
"I'll talk to him before things get ugly." Hogan put on his hat and went outside.
Newkirk looked around, feeling that every pair of eyes were on him. "They getting ugly already."
—-
Carter sat, staring at the two guards leaving the barracks, carrying the last sack of coal. "At least, we still have this candle…"
The guard came, extinguished the precarious flame, and took the candle with him.
"Don't say we don't need light," LeBeau leaned on the wall, with his arms crossed over his chest. "There's no food, fresh bread is gone and now we can't even heat the barracks. Klink wants to kill us."
"Yeah, I heard he's holding the Red Cross packages in his office. By the time we can get them, all the good stuff will be gone… Why does he hate us so much?" Carter went to look through the window.
"He's hurt, somebody took his favorite toy away." Kinch shook his head. "The worst part is that without electricity, we can't do much to communicate with anybody. We won't know if London has lifted the hiatus. I'm afraid we're out of business."
"I'll try to talk to him later when he's less… irrational." Hogan paced among his men. "In the meantime, we need to resist, okay?"
"Or," said one of the men behind him. "We could hand him the thief." Others murmured approval.
"There are no thieves among us," said LeBeau
Hogan stopped to look at the man that had spoken for the others. "Just a few hours ago we were all making jokes and bets about the entire incident. We were all about to celebrate the brave fellow who dared to ruin Colonel Klink's perfect day. We're a team and we were expecting retaliation. Well, this is it and we take it on our shoulders because that's how we work." He signed for Kinch, Carter, LeBeau, and Newkirk to stand up. "One more thing," he said to the rest of the group. "I don't like this attitude. We don't hand one of our own to the enemy, under any circumstances." Hogan ended the discussion by leading his men to his office.
—
"Newkirk, did you do it?" Hogan asked, closing the door behind him.
"Good question." Newkirk moved to the window and turned to look them all in the eye. "Do you think I did it?"
After a short pause, Carter stepped forward. "Does it matter? As the Colonel said, we don't hand our own to the enemy."
"Carter is right. It doesn't make any difference," Kinch nodded.
"Bien sûr, if you did it is not the question. There is no question at all… you're still a hero in my eyes."
"Thank you, mates… That's all I wanted to know." He went out for a few minutes and came back with his duffle bag. "Now, I'd like to talk to you alone, sir, if you don't mind."
Within seconds, they were alone. Newkirk felt confident enough to show Hogan the contents in his bag.
Hogan picked up a couple of broken pieces of china. "Is this what I think it is? How?... Newkirk, you didn't."
Newkirk pressed his lips, thinking long before speaking. "I'm sorry, g'vnor, if you don't mind I'd like to discuss the terms of my surrender first."
Hogan took a deep breath. "Very well, then. I'll get you the best deal, I promise."
On the third day of his two weeks of confinement, Newkirk was allowed to have visitors. The first three were not on the list; they came through the tunnels.
"Klink reinstated our privileges right after you got in here." LeBeau handed him a piece of bread.
"The boys at the barracks sent you their regards and they say they're sorry for behaving like idiots."
"Thank you, Carter. I know how they feel and you, mates, you're the best friends."
"You're not going to tell us why you did it, are you?" Kinch grinned,
"At least, tell us if you did it or not," LeBeau pleaded, but Newkirk only smiled at them.
"I'll see you in two weeks, lads."
"I'm sorry I couldn't make Klink reduce it to one week. The good news is that we're back in business and I'm going to need you and Carter tonight." Hogan handed him several notes and knocked on the door for Schultz to let him out. "Study this and I'll see you later."
"Thank you for your confidence vote, sir. I'm sorry I let you down."
"Newkirk, you didn't let me down. I don't need to ask, I'm sure you had a good reason if you actually did it. What I don't understand is why you didn't say that you didn't do it."
Newkirk nodded and smiled. "Isn't it better this way? No one else will be blamed for this."
"Right," Hogan sighed. "For all that it matters, I'm glad the hideous thing is gone."
Schultz was at the door, waiting discreetly for Hogan to leave. Then, he bit his lip, gazing at Newkirk. "Can I ask you a question? Why did you do it?"
"I don't know, I thought it was the right thing to do… "
"But you didn't tell me anything…" He whispered closing the door behind him. "I was mad, but when the thing shattered on the floor, I panicked and ran…Newkirk, when I came back and couldn't find the pieces, I almost died."
"I'm sorry about that. It was a neat trick of magic, wasn't it?… I couldn't resist playing a little joke on you."
"Still, you're here. The Kommandant is very mad at you."
"Better me than you. I'm just a prisoner: he can't send me to the Russian Front." He shrugged. "On the other hand, I found out that I have friends that don't give up on me. That makes everything right… I should be thanking you for breaking that hideous thing. You made my day, actually."
"Aww, Newkirk, I'm just glad you were there," said Schultz, squeezing him in a warm hug.
Newkirk was still smiling when he sat alone in his cell. Sometimes you find sentiment in the strangest places.