You're Not Alone
Summary: It's been a decade since Alice's passing. Mirana is still struggling to find a way to get her back. (Last new story for a while)
Disclaimer: I do not own Alice in Wonderland or any of its plots and characters. This is simply for entertainment purposes. All rights belong to Lewis Carol, Disney, and Tim Burton.
I do not own the song, You're Not Alone. All rights belong to DragonForce.
"Why don't you come inside? You're going to get sick," Iracebeth says as she walks over to her younger sister, placing a hand on her shoulder.
Mirana doesn't respond, just sitting on the bench as she stares at the marble headstone. "… How long has it been?" she inquires weakly, her voice breaking as she reads the name over and over again, still not completely understanding how only six feet under lies her wife, never to see the light of day again.
"A full decade today," Iracebeth replies. "How long have you been sitting out here? In the rain?"
"Since this morning."
"… You're not gonna leave today, are you?"
"… It's as if Underland knows… Every single day of the anniversary, it's rained. There hasn't been a sunny day yet." Mirana's voice cracks and she closes her eyes, allowing a few tears to fall. "I don't get it," she mumbles after a few moments of silence. "I don't understand it. I mean… I… she was so young."
"She was still mortal. She went into that battlefield herself. She made that decision," Iracebeth speaks, her voice soft. Mirana just nods weakly, hating to be brought back to that day. "He would have killed you," Iracebeth continues.
"Would have been better if it were me than her. I already fulfilled my duty as queen. She… She just started what she wanted to do in life. She was barely a captain of her ship and… I just took it all from her."
"You weren't the one who killed her," Mally interjects as she runs over, sitting on the bench next to the monarch.
"I did, though,"
"You didn't stab her! You didn't-!"
"Indirectly. I sent her to her death. I should have stopped her. I should have known better. But I didn't. I had such an ill feeling that day and… I shouldn't have agreed to it. I should have stopped her."
"You're feeling sorry for yourself," Chess says as he appears. "You're feeling sorry about the situation as a whole. That's why you can't heal."
"You haven't either," Iracebeth pipes up, looking at the blue and gray creature. "You know you haven't. Don't try to pretend that this is all Mirana's fault."
"I never said that it was. You're projecting and I'd prefer it if you didn't put words in my mouth," he answers bitterly towards the Red Queen, not having a good standing with her, believing truly that Alice's death pertained to her actions.
"Coming from the one who has been accusing me of her death for a literal decade now."
"Am I wrong, though?" Chess responds, venom in his voice. "You were the one who made the deal with the King of Spades. You were unable to keep your promise. He went to war. She died over a stupid mistake that you made," he returns, his eyes flashing dangerously as he hovers over the gravestone before sitting on top of it. He would often Times stay there for more than one reason, wishing to remain close to his dear friend while also napping on the stone that retained the heat from the sun, although he would much prefer the warmth from Alice, much like when she was alive. He missed falling asleep in her arms, but this was the second best for now his wants are unobtainable.
Mirana says nothing as well as Mally. They both know that Chess has a point, that he's right. Iracebeth stays quiet, trying to come up with some form of self-defense, ultimately ending up with nothing. "… What do you want me to say that's not already been said?"
"We don't want you to say anything. There's nothing you can say that can make this right. Nothing to defend yourself with. What's done is done and what's lost is lost. There is nothing more to say," Chess says with finality, leaving no room for argument as he curls into himself, closing his eyes and resting now, ignoring the rain that pours harder.
Iracebeth starts to say something more but Mirana just gives her a look, quieting her before she can continue. "Leave it alone," the White Queen whispers. She stares at the headstone, sighing before standing, heading inside the castle.
"Where are you going?" Mally rushes after her, quickly climbing up her leg and resting on her shoulder. The mouse shakes herself from the rain, looking confused for the queen is heading to the library.
"Have you found anything at all?" Mirana asks when she enters the large room, Hatter sitting at a table with piles upon piles of books resting on the floor and chairs around him.
'No, nothing," he returns. "Nothing that we have access to, at the very least."
"So, you have found something!" she exclaims, her voice growing with sudden hope. Perhaps the hope is false but it's far better than the numbness that she has been experiencing for a decade.
"Scroll." He gestures over to a stack of scrolls, one open that rests on top of the others. "There's a potion but it's far and the path is dangerous. It's protected by armies upon armies, giants and dragons. So on and so forth."
"This potion… Will it-?"
"It'll bring back whoever it is you wish to be brought back. It reverses all forms of decomposition. It allows them to be healthy again, as though nothing out of the ordinary has occurred. But as I said, it's a dangerous and grueling journey."
"We should try," Mirana says with certainty now, earning a surprised look from Mally.
"My Queen, this is a suicide mission! There's a large chance that you won't make it out alive!" she exclaims, fear apparent in her eyes.
"Either way, I get to see my Alice again," Mirana returns. "And that's all I want. I just want her back. I want to be there with her again. I want to see her again… I…" She starts to grow visibly upset, her breath getting caught in her throat. "I miss her… so terribly so. I've never loved someone as much as I have her… and to just lose her… to never see her again… I'm surprised I've survived these ten years without her. Every day has been a challenge. Iracebeth has taken over as queen. All of it, all of it has been a living nightmare that I want to wake up from."
"Am I not enough? Are we not enough?" Iracebeth asks as she enters the library, her voice wavering with hurt. She watches her sister for a reaction and Mirana doesn't respond, feeling rather guilty for she hadn't taken into consideration Iracebeth's feelings. "I know I've done… some unspeakable things but I would assume that I could at least help the hurt, at least a little for I'm still your sister."
"That's… Iracebeth, that's not…" Mirana takes a deep breath, trying to think of what to say, unable to formulate a complete thought, nevertheless, a coherent sentence. She looks down when she sees McTwisp run inside with a towel, handing it to her for she's still soaking wet. "Thank you, Nivens," she whispers, refusing to look at her sister as she feels tears threatening to prick her eyes. "It's not… it's not the same," she rasps out. "You know that it isn't. Remember when you were betrayed by Stayne? How hurt you were?
"I love you, Racie. You're my sister. I will always love you. But Alice… She was special. I've never loved someone the way I loved her. Out of hundreds of potential suitors, out of dozens of people I've dated, no one has ever come close to her. She was exceptional. I can't have the same relationship with you as I had with her." She trails off, blinking back more tears, a sob getting stuck in the back of her throat. "I'd do anything to get her back… That's why I want to embark on this quest. I want to be with her again." She trails off, sitting down, her body shaking from the cold and unshed tears, her heart aching as much as it did when she first lost her wife.
"… You now I never meant for her to die," Iracebeth whispers, her voice wavering. "It was never my intention. I made the deal long before Alice brought us back together."
"I know. You don't have to explain yourself to me. I know it all. I'm familiar with it all," Mirana returns, standing now. "I'm going to get myself out of this wet dress and dry off. But the Time I come back, though, I… I want the horses saddled and the map ready. We will leave immediately."
"W-what?" Mally inquires now. "Doesn't that seem risky? Sudden? We have no preparations whatsoever. For us all to just stand and go. Surely, we can at least prepare, pack some things up for the journey. Healing potions and the like…"
Mirana just gives a tired nod, not wanting to argue nor insist on anything. "Then we'll leave tomorrow morning at the break of dawn," she relents, leaving the library while wringing the water out of her hair
The small group all look at each other before Tarrant gathers the scroll and map. "I'm going to head home until tomorrow," he announces softly, truly not feeling like staying in the castle which is a much more frequent occurrence for mostly everyone.
Even after ten years, the castle is still extraordinarily quiet, lifeless even. The white of the walls used to stand for the queen, but they became far more than that when Alice was alive. They seemed to be bright, inviting, like freshly fallen snow. But now they're gray, even, listless, foreboding, barren, as though reflecting the life that has been torn from them.
The halls are silent, too. They would echo with conversation, the castle staff conversing often, Alice and Mirana chasing each other up and down the hallways as though they were children again. Tarrant, Mally Chess and McTwisp filling the joyful atmosphere, too. But all of it is gone and nothing remains. There are no galas, no balls, no celebrations. Everything festive has been practically outlawed. Of course, Mirana would never outright declare that but no one in the kingdom has felt comfortable celebrating anything with such a dismayed ruler, if she's even technically considered as such. She certainly doesn't feel like it anymore.
"You have to let me go."
"How cliché,' Mirana mumbles bitterly in return, staring up at the figure of her wife. Alice gives a small, mirthless smile in return, walking over to Mirana, taking her face in her hands. The White Queen immediately whimpers at the touch, a few tears trickling down her cheeks as she places her hands on top of hers.
"Please, why must this be a dream? Why must you be a dream?" She leans her head against Alice's shoulder, biting back a bitter sob. "… Why do you haunt me?"
"You have to let me go," she repeats, her voice gentle and it's clear that she hates seeing her so distressed.
"But if there's a chance that I can get you back… Tarrant said that-!"
"Tarrant doesn't know for certain, my love. He only suspects and that's all we can do right now. I can't tell you whether or not it'll do anything, because, well, I don't know. I… I have to be willing to come back, too."
Mirana's blood runs cold at that and she looks up at Alice. "A-are you not…? Do you not want to come back? Do I not make you happy?" Her voice wavers and she seems to grow dismayed, even hurt.
"Of course you do," Alice returns. "But… death is peaceful. After weeks of being a prisoner of war…" She trails off, not wanting to tell Mirana anymore, not wishing to upset her more than she already has. "… I don't want to get into it. I'm certain that you can surmise what has happened. But that's not the point. I'm… I suppose I'm happy here. I don't know much, and I get to be with my father. I've missed him so terribly so. You're fully aware of this. It's nothing against you. At all. Nothing at all and I hope you never see it that way, but death is supposed to be certain. Out of the uncertainty of life, death is the only thing to be certain. I don't think we should meddle with that. I don't' think we're supposed to."
"But…"
Alice looks down at Mirana sternly, but her gaze softens. "… I suppose if you do manage to figure it out…"
"Do you want to come back or not?"
"You've already made up your mind and I know I can't change it, regardless of what you want me to believe," she says, her tone accepting, not even accusing. "Whatever you chose to do, though, I'll be here with you," she returns. "Guiding you, watching over you… although I wish that you could have moved on, even for a bit. I hate to see you so unhappy for so long."
"And I hate living without you," Mirana whispers. "Do you really… Do you really think I enjoy waking up without you by my side? Alice, I miss everything that we had when you were alive. I miss sleeping next to you, waking you up with kisses, holding onto you, just loving you. I miss all of it," she admits, tears slowly beginning to roll down her cheek as she's unable to help it. "I miss those little games of hide and seek and the prizes that came with me finding you and vice versa. I miss the friendly banters that we used to get into. I even miss the real fights and the passionate make up sex that came after it. I miss feeling like a child again whenever we leave the castle grounds. I miss everything about you. Holding you when you were upset, listening to your stories that your father told you, listening to your own stories when you were out at sea. I miss telling you about my childhood, too. About Racie and my adventures as a child. I miss it all… All of it…"
She feels her legs give out and before she falls to the floor, Alice has already caught her, holding her in her arms. "I miss your strong grip," she whimpers in her neck. "Your words of affirmation, telling me that everything is going to be okay. Nothing has been since you left. I want to believe that it would but it just isn't… It hasn't been and I hate feeling like my world has gone, because it has with your death. You don't understand how much you meant to me… How much you still do. You may never understand…" She clings onto her more as she finishes.
Alice sits down on the floor, holding Mirana tighter in her lap, allowing her to cry as she rocks her back and forth gently. She keep her forehead on top of Mirana's head, knowing that she needs to let it all out, knowing that she's hurting beyond comprehension.
"I just want you back. That's all I want. That's all I've wanted for the past ten years…"
"What about your sister? Tarrant? The others?"
"They're my friends and my sister! You're my wife!" she returns, her fingers curling into her shirt. "I married you for a reason, so I can spend my life with you! You're all I've ever wanted…! And for you to just go… You don't understand, Alice.
"You don't understand the pain of fearing for your life that night as I wasn't even allowed oin the room with the doctors. They came out and told me that you passed and that there was no way to revive you! And to just see your body there… To know that you'll never be full of life again, full of love and… what makes you, you. Full of muchness… Your body was so broken… I hated seeing all those scars on you, the dried blood, the cuts and bruises, how malnourished you were, how much that bastard tortured you…" She trails off, pressing her forehead on hers. "Seeing you now isn't the same either, because I know it's not real. It's just a dream. It's a way for me to release all of my sorrow that I've been holding for years… You're not you, not even your soul. You're just a figment of my imagination."
"But that's where you're wrong," Alice whispers. "I am here. I am Alice. Your wife, your love, your other half. I came here to help talk you out of what you want to do."
"Because you want to stay dead?" she asks. "… You're unhappy with me."
"Mirana," she sighs, knowing that her heartache is not causing her to think properly. "I already told you why. I loved living with you. If I didn't love you, I would have gotten up and left back up to the Abovelands years ago. I gave up my sailing so I could live with you… Because I love you. But I already told you what I thin about meddling with death. I don't think anyone should do it… And if you passed away before me, as heartbroken as I'd be, I wouldn't… try to find a way to bring you back. But as I said before, I'm happy here. I'm quite… content with not being alive."
The White Queen stares at her wife, her heart aching in her chest before she gives a nod. "If I decide to go on this journey to get you back, will you…?" She sucks in a deep breath. "Will you not be on my side for this?"
"I will be. I already said I would," she returns gently. "I will always be with you, even if I don't like what you're doing. You're my wife and I love you so very much. Nothing will ever deter me from doing something for you."
"And that was your downfall," Mirana mumbles. "
"No… It wasn't."
"But it was! You fought on Iracebeth's side for me. You fought because I needed you to fight and you did it without hesitation. You did it because you love me and… and…" She feels her throat constrict as she begins to cry again, hating how she's unable to contain it. "I'm so sorry…I'm so, so sorry… I know you can't forgive me. I don't blame you! But I can't tell you how sorry I am, how much it aches every second of every day.
"You died because of me. Because of my selfishness… Ever since you came back to Underland since you were nineteen, all I've ever done was demand shit from you," she sobs. "I risked your life with the Jabberwocky. I threw you into that Time fiasco… I've done so much to you and have barely even begun to love you. No wonder why you can't forgive me. No wonder why you wish to stay dead."
"Mirana, that's not… No, that's not it, at all. I don't forgive you because there's nothing to forgive. I was never angry at you, my love. IT was my choice. My whole life has been filled with my own choices. You know how I hate to have things planned for me. I hate destiny. I hate walking the path that hasn't been made by my own hand, my own wants and needs. There's nothing in this world that I need to forgive that you did. Every day was amazing with you. I lived my life to the fullest. I might have died… Exceptionally young, but it certainly wasn't a life wasted. I did everything I wanted to do! I followed in my father's footsteps. I fell in love. I got married, on my own accord, might I add, which I never would have thought could have ever been possible! I died as your love, your friend, as your wife. I died fighting for you, my love. I would never want to reverse that, never in my whole life.