Author's Note:
Firstly, insert standard, I-own-none-of-this disclaimer here.
Next, while I am of the opinion that Anakin's horrific decisions are his own, I am also of the opinion that they were the result of Obi-Wan's errors in training, the rest of the Jedi reacting to Anakin in ways that were not appropriate to his words or actions and Palpatine's manipulations. The first I see as being Obi-Wan mishandling Anakin because he's a brand new knight, stressed, grieving and not thinking through what he's doing clearly enough because of that. I would never suggest malice or even lack of empathy on Obi-Wan's part, just not getting it. The rest of the Jedi, I can too easily see falling into the trap of 'the same is totally the same as equal'. That is, they'll treat Anakin exactly the same as a creche-raised kid even if it means assuming he knows things he could not possibly, then yelling at him for it. Again, not malice, just not thinking it through. Palpatine manipulating Anakin to see morals as weirdly grey, flexible, wibbly, permeable boundaries as well as some 'moral' rules that are actually just there-is-only-power-and-those-too-weak-to-seek-it, well, it's obvious how that would affect him.
So have an effort to resolve a significant portion of those issues with a conversation I firmly believe didn't happen, because Anakin went straight to Palpatine instead.
It began with Yoda. "Confident a Jedi is."
The next lesson, "Humble a Jedi is."
In Anakin's experience, limited though it may be, confidence is the antithesis of humility. To be humble is to keep your head down and accept your lot, whether unfair punishment or overwork. To be confident is to declare what you will and will not take. To be both is paradox.
It continued in his basic sabre lessons. "You need to drive forward, to attack."
The next lesson, "Remember, you should never act with aggression."
Anakin isn't sure how to resolve that either. If the way to fight properly with a sabre is to drive forward and attack, how to you reconcile that with never being aggressive? When he is taught about Soresu and Ataru, he thinks he understands, you're supposed to just wait until the Force tells you how to not attack. Then he's told that Ataru is the aggression form and yelled at that the only way to win is to attack when he's defending himself with the third form.
"There is no emotion," he's told sternly by Master Windu.
"Be happy, have fun," he's told by Master Vos.
How he was supposed to be happy or have fun where there was supposed to be no emotion, Anakin didn't understand. The two states cannot exist at the same time. It was yet another paradox, and Anakin was already very tired of existing in a state of paradox.
It is Obi-Wan who solved the paradox for Anakin. He smiled at a man and lies, lies, lies. "It's true," he denied to Anakin, "From a certain point of view." He then proceeded to twist logic up into a pretzel and hand the knotted words to Anakin with a sense of satisfaction.
And Anakin learned that all things were true if you turned them upside down, shook them hard and put them back tilted 90 degrees. Humility was knowing what you were bad at and absorbing that information until it infused your bones so you could self-deprecatingly tell everyone how awful you were, while simultaneously crowing your successes. Emotion was a thing you hid in the Force like a shameful secret. As long as they couldn't see that you felt anything, it was close enough. If you bled yourself dry enough of emotions by slitting a sort of metaphorical emotion vein and letting them spill away until you were a dried husk, it was easy to ape anything that you were supposed to project, no matter how distasteful.
Aggression and reticence were in the eye of the beholder. As long as you didn't start the physical fight or chase an opponent, you were not being aggressive.
Anakin learned to turn over every single thing Obi-Wan told him, trying to find the trick, because with Obi-Wan it was always a trick. Every time Anakin thought he understood what Obi-Wan meant, he'd tell the padawan he'd gotten it wrong. Again.
About the only thing that seemed certain was that Obi-Wan was from-a-certain-point-of-view-ing to other people about how much he cared about his padawan, because it was the only explanation for why anyone would think Obi-Wan cared about Anakin. It wasn't that Anakin couldn't feel a generally kind sense of liking through the bond they shared, it just was distant, like the affection you'd have for a favourite pair of boots. Anakin liked Obi-Wan's careful determination to care for Anakin's wellbeing, his witty jokes (when he wasn't twisting the meaning of what he said into a knot no one could ever untie) and even the way he believed that he wasn't reckless. That just meant, though, that Anakin was fairly sure he liked Obi-Wan more than Obi-Wan liked him, and more than that, had been scolded more than once for being unduly attached.
("There is no deeper bond than that between a master and padawan," Master Koon said.
"Attachments, forbidden are," Yoda had declared one time when Anakin had said he cared for his master.)
That time he and Padawan Sethis (never just Yessan, because Yessan Sethis had made it very clear – as had most other padawans in the Temple – that Anakin's friendship was deeply unwelcome) had been rescued from that derelict ship, Padawan Sethis' master had grabbed their student, hugged him and said how relieved they were. Obi-Wan hadn't even looked at Anakin, telling him how disappointed he was that Anakin hadn't avoided the situation entirely. No matter how Anakin shook those words, they never fell into a formulation that said Obi-Wan was relieved and happy to see him. Disappointment, sarcasm, disapproval (Anakin managed to keep from flinching too much as he made himself consider the possibility that Obi-Wan was disappointed he couldn't get a better padawan to replace Anakin), nothing that said he would be missed.
The more times Anakin heard that Obi-Wan was The Perfect Jedi, the more he would look at everyone's words to find the trick. After all, if Obi-Wan was Perfect, then his sideways points of view must be the correct way to look at things.
In the end, no matter how hard Anakin tried to bleed himself dry of feeling, knowing that he was watched and unwanted, knowing that he could trust nothing any Jedi said to him, it hurt.
It was pure happenstance that caused Anakin to forget his project for engineering class and have to turn around and race back to the rooms he shared with Obi-Wan and grab it. He slipped inside, snagging it from where he'd left it on the table to remind himself to pick it up (and still forgotten it, like a nerf) and overheard Obi-Wan saying into his comm in tones of disapproval, "Master Windu tends to the ridiculously blunt. You'd think he could manage to soften what he says, but it's just nothing but unvarnished truth - " Anakin was back out the door, waving at Obi-Wan and left with a thought that started to gnaw at him.
It was an idea that turned over in his head a few times that day, at first just considering, but eventually reaching a decision.
If Master Windu was truthful – not from a certain point of view, but actually so – maybe Anakin could trust what he said and get clarifications. He'd been thinking of asking the Chancellor, but Palpatine wasn't a Jedi, so he couldn't be sure anything was actually right. It was just . . . most of the time Palpatine would give straight answers to Anakin's questions which was a considerable relief from Obi-Wan's relentless verbal tricksiness.
And that afternoon, Anakin steeled himself and asked the councillor a question. One of the philosophical ones that made no sense, one of the ones he could pass off as maybe a project for class – get ten people to answer the question and discuss similarities and differences.
He got an answer, which wasn't as clear as he'd like, but was clearer than anything Obi-Wan had ever wrapped up with bows and shiny spangles. He'd've liked to ask a follow-up, but he didn't want Windu to get too mad or suspicious and lose him a potential source of clarification.
Anakin learned how to bleed himself dry enough of emotion in the Force before approaching Windu so that the man wouldn't be more annoyed with him, and kept getting answers to his questions.
That lasted until Master Windu, radiating disapproval, and demanded to know why Anakin wasn't asking Obi-Wan those questions. Anakin searched desperately for a lie that he could twist into a truth in his own head after turning upside down and shaking. It wasn't like he could tell Windu that he'd picked him because Obi-Wan thought he wasn't as good a Jedi. He wasn't even that good at mentally pretzelling until he made a lie into the truth, and Windu would sense that. But maybe at least a part of the truth . . . "I don't want Master Kenobi to be even more disappointed in me," he blurted out.
The councillor frowned at him. "While I do disapprove of whatever mischief you've gotten yourself into," Windu said, "Knight Kenobi is highly unlikely to be 'more disappointed' by you asking for clarification. He has already become one of our most excellent knights and it would be uncharacteristic for such a skilled Jedi to lose patience in that way."
Anakin sagged. So, Obi-Wan wouldn't be disappointed, he'd be that blank cold wall of unfeeling that was somehow worse than when his mom had been scared or angry.
Then he felt Windu tense in front of him. Kark it! He'd let himself feel things again. He hastily visualised that open vein and all of his feelings spilling away until he was left a husk, then tripled down on his shields, hoping that he could just recreate that ice-cold wall of durasteel that rested between Obi-Wan and everyone else.
Windu's head tilted and his brows creased into a frown. It didn't look like his usual angry-adjacent disapproval, more like puzzlement. "Padawan Skywalker," he said, sounding strangely cautious, "Is something wrong?"
Anakin knew the answer to that one. Everything was wrong, but he could ask a rhetorical question that implied an answer without actually answering. Obi-Wan used that one a lot too, since he sometimes actually avoided using the point of view not-a-lie lie. "Why would anything be wrong?" he asked, trying to simultaneous project a complete lack of anything but a vague sense of pleasantness the way Obi-Wan always did when Anakin had tried to be friendly at first.
"Because while I'm impressed at your efforts, you are using a particular shielding technique for Jedi in precarious diplomatic situations used to emphasise neutrality and only polite interest in an outcome," Master Windu replied.
Anakin spoke without thinking, "But that's how Master Kenobi is all the time," he said. Oops.
Master Windu looked more puzzled. "Knight Kenobi has not, in my experience, ever projected anything like that within the Temple."
Anakin couldn't say anything to that, because just the day before when they'd been giving their report to the Council he'd been just like that.
"He was not," Master Windu replied to the unspoken thought. Anakin winced and went grabbing at all of his worry, panic and everything else, trying to get rid of it however he could.
His master sent a painfully polite inquiry down their bond and Anakin yanked everything he could away from it, since the only possible explanation could be that Obi-Wan was going to be not-upset at him when he got back for being over-emotional. Again. "Sorry," he said to Master Windu. "I know I shouldn't project like that, I'm trying to stop."
"There is no try," Master Windu said, and Anakin could have cried in exasperation.
"I know," he snapped bitterly. "I know failure isn't an option, and I know I should have figured out how to stop feeling by now, and I know I'm too attached and too upset and too aggressive and too . . . everything. I'm sorry I'm not perfect like Master Kenobi." Then he realised what he'd said and who he'd said it to and just felt flooded in exhausted resignation. "My apologies, Master Windu. I'll report my failures to Master Kenobi." He turned and walked away as fast as he could without actually running.
And tripped as Master Yoda smacked his shins, went sprawling, and with a horrified sense of inevitable certainty knew he was going to smack into the wall and end up concussed.
Inches from the wall, he was stopped by the Force, pulled away and to his feet and set down gently. Anakin stared, not knowing which of Yoda or Windu had saved him. "Thank you," he said.
"Thanks there should not be," Master Yoda said, his ears lowered. "Sorry I am, that harm I nearly caused."
A lesson Anakin had learned early in life and so far hadn't seemed to change in the Temple was that debts of forgiveness should be instantly dismissed, because whatever he felt, it would go worse for him later if he didn't at least give the appearance of letting it go. "No harm done," he said. Honestly, he couldn't even be mad. Watto would have said he deserved it, and his teaching masters at the Temple seemed like they delighted (or would have if Jedi were allowed to feel things) in putting him in no-win situations of asking him to deliver things to places too far away in the Temple for him to make it to class in time, then yelling at him for being late.
"Perhaps another time discuss this we will," the tiny green Jedi said, "But first, ask you why, I must, 'failure is not an option'."
Anakin closed his eyes. Maybe if he was unrelentingly honest they'd give him enough points for that he wouldn't be in trouble for the rest of his time as a Padawan. He felt suddenly so tired and functionally apathetic. "Because everyone at the Temple has made it really clear that 'there is no try'?" He asked rhetorically. "If there is only do or do not, then failure isn't an option, because failure is the same as 'not doing', which is the same as not putting in any effort, which means I get in trouble because my teachers then treat my failure as being the same as if I didn't try to do it in the first place."
"A point of view, that is," Yoda allowed. Anakin made a choked noise in response. Because there it was. The bane of his existence, and a segue into answering the Haruun Kal in front of him.
"You wanted to know why I was asking you, Master Windu? It's because I overheard Master Kenobi on the comm one day, complaining that you were too blunt and I thought maybe I could get answers to my questions that weren't fancied up with words I don't know and without once hearing someone say, 'from a certain point of view'."
"I'm not sure I follow, Skywalker."
Anakin shrugged. "Jedi philosophy is paradoxical, right? Be humble and confident, even though those are mutually exclusive, feel nothing but still . . . feel compassion, be aggressive when attacking but don't be aggressive at all ever. Master Kenobi cleared that up for me. You all say he's, like, the Perfect Jedi, and I figured it out when he started lying to people then saying stuff was true, 'from a certain point of view'. So, it's all about figuring out how to resolve the paradox from a 'certain point of view'. But I'm bad at that. I can never figure out how to lie but think it's the truth by turning it upside-down and shaking it. But people say you're a great Jedi, too, Master Windu. So, I figured if you're too blunt and honest, that maybe there was something I could work out."
Windu put his face in his hands and muttered, "Force damn it, Qui-Gon." He turned to Yoda. "You threw him and Kenobi together, and now look at what we have to deal with."
Yoda looked stunned, which was a first as far as Anakin was aware. "Perhaps a mistake I made," he conceded.
The dark-skinned Jedi made a wordless noise of aggravation and said to Anakin, "The short answer to your question about paradox, is that as thinking people we cannot avoid having emotions, and we should maintain our feelings of compassion and love. The idea is as much aspirational as anything. We are to try to maintain equanimity in the face of trials so as to stay rational and compassionate, something that can be impossible if we are overwrought."
That was . . . that actually made sense.
He pulled Anakin aside and for the next four hours patiently sat with Anakin and answered all his questions clearly and carefully, and in the case of anything that Anakin was supposed to determine for himself because the lesson was something to be understood through a visceral revelation, Master Windu told him that, and helped him to understand how to tell those lessons apart from those with more concrete answers.
When Anakin got too emotional for his tastes he waited patiently for Anakin to drain himself dry of feelings before continuing. Of course, after the third time that happened he stopped them, asked Anakin to meditate with him and then sighed heavily, saying, "Of course it's that," before helping Anakin build his shields better, because it turned out that Obi-Wan had forgotten that with Anakin being stronger in the Force, it meant his feelings were amplified to others.
Not that he was more emotional than anyone else.
He let Anakin cry into his shoulder in relief and didn't flinch away, just let him feel relief that he could stop bleeding out his emotions, because that was awful.
Master Windu was Anakin's new favourite person. Maybe he didn't particularly like the padawan, but he'd still answer Anakin's questions and help him if he needed it. He went and talked to Obi-Wan for Anakin, who had turned white, muttered something about being a failure, and had talked – really talked, not just verbally danced until Anakin went away – about everything. Including promising to show him the millions of shortcuts through the Temple that everyone thought 'everyone' knew, so that he could make those errands happen on time (when Obi-Wan accompanied Anakin to those classes, explained why Anakin was late and requested those marks be removed from his record they were super-apologetic). Most of all, that distant favourite boots feeling through the bond turned into actual affection. It was so. Much. Better.
Also, it meant that Anakin didn't have to bother Chancellor Palpatine with his schoolwork, which was great, because while the man probably understood Galactic history fine, he wasn't exactly a Jedi, so it's not like he'd know the exact angle the Jedi took on things. Seriously, Master Windu and Obi-Wan were both wizard, though Anakin deeply felt the general agreement in the Temple that one day someone was going to drop-kick Yoda across a room, and he would deserve it.