NOTE

Content warning: sexual content with dubious consent.

5. The Vial

We landed not outside of Remus's cottage, but on a grassy cliff above the sea.

"Sorry," Remus said. "Don't know what I was thinking of."

But I was enchanted. White waves sparkled out there in the dark water, and the wind roared and whistled over the cliff edge. The sky was covered in grey clouds, and my eye was drawn to a dark and crumbling ruin on the edge of the land, not far away.

"What's this place?" I said.

"It's where I go to walk," Remus answered.

"Oh," I said, assuming he meant this was a private place to him.

But he must have seen my interest, and rather than apparating us to his house, as I'd expected, he began to walk towards the ruin. "Come on," he said. Wrapping my coat more tightly about myself, I ran to catch up to him, and then walked at his side.

It was a small old castle. Moss clung to the stones, and there was a salty, peaceful smell. Birds had made nests in what had once been the windows, and took wing as we entered. The ground was muddy. Crashing sounds from the sea below echoed off the high walls, open to the grey sky.

I walked ahead through a wide opening and into another room. The seaward wall was completely destroyed, and looked right out over the cliff at the open sea. I walked up to it, looking over the edge at the crashing water below.

"Careful!" Remus shouted behind me. I jumped a little at his raised voice and stepped back, almost slipping. I clutched the wall and gasped, though I was well out of danger now.

"Sorry," I breathed, seeing the fear in his eyes.

"Can't have you falling into the sea," he said, managing the closest thing to a smile I'd seen from him so far. "They'll think I pushed you."

We spent a little while wandering around the ruin, but it soon got too cold. The wind was brutal, roaring in off the sea. There would probably be another storm tonight. Remus led me to the leeward side of the ruin, and from there we apparated back to the cottage.

He'd tidied up the place since I'd been there last. The kitchen was stocked, and the floors swept. I was relieved to notice that the evidence of his drinking was gone–but I reminded myself not to get too hopeful. He'd probably be back at it soon enough. The kitchen I'd already seen, and Remus showed me the bedroom, the loo, the linen closet. There was also a small sitting room with a pinstripe sofa, a chair, and a bookshelf full of books. "Haven't got a lamp," he confessed.

The place was sparse, but not unwelcoming.

Neither of us was very hungry. I'd eaten back at the burrow, and had no appetite anyway. Remus suggested tea and I agreed. I was still quite cold from the seaside. He must have seen me shivering, because after he put the kettle on he took a blanket from the linen closet and handed it to me. I watched his back as he waited for the water to boil, amazed at his kindness. He was working so hard to make this feel less difficult.

Better raise your game, Fred's voice chided, but I silently shooed it away.

We had our tea and retired to the sitting room. Remus sat in the chair, reading by wandlight, some heavy volume whose title I couldn't make out. A pair of reading glasses perched on his nose.

I studied the spines of the books on the shelf. He had everything, from a battered copy of Intermediate Transfiguration to Confronting the Faceless. I settled on the Encyclopedia of Toadstools, wanting something factual to numb my heart with, and illustrations.

The sky was very dark. I drew my wand and breathed, "Lumos," but nothing happened. I relaxed my jaw and tried again. Still nothing. My wand grew very heavy in my hand. It was like holding a stone. I put it away.

My magic had been faulty since Fred's death. I'd produced a fine warming charm the other day, but now, for whatever reason, there was nothing. I curled up on the couch and squinted at the book for a few minutes, but soon gave up. I stared out the window at the long green slope behind the house, and the stone wall, and the tree.

The vial that Severus had given me weighed heavily in my pocket. I'd forgotten about it for a while, but now my earlier anxieties returned.

Remus hadn't spoken a word about the consummation. I realised that he probably wouldn't be the one to mention it first, unless forced by the deadline. I would have to broach the subject myself. I tried to think of the right words to use, but the nerves in my stomach kept me from forming a coherent thought.

It started raining outside, and thunder followed soon after. Remus was still completely immersed in his reading, and didn't seem to notice me watching him, even when I willed him to.

Finally, I had to just say it. "Shall we go to bed, then?" My voice shook slightly, but at least the words were out in the open.

He looked up from his book, his eyes blank, seeming to shrink a little. "Tonight?" he said.

"Might as well, don't you think?"

He nodded. "Yes."

With slow, steady movements, he folded his glasses, closed his book, stood up, and walked towards the bedroom.

My heartbeat drowned out my hearing as I replaced the Encyclopedia of Toadstools on the shelf. I hadn't really expected him to agree so quickly. But I guessed it was better this way, better to have it over with. My heart hammering, I walked down the short corridor and into the bedroom.

Remus took off his tweed and unbuttoned his shirt, but left his undershirt on. The sleeves came down to his elbows, but even on his forearms I could see the reason why he didn't undress completely. Long, smooth scars cutting across his skin. At least I wouldn't feel like I had to be naked.

I looked away quickly, and busied myself taking my hair out of its braid. I ran my hands through it, and as I did I noticed a strange look in Remus's eyes. Whatever it was, it frightened me. I wondered… Oh, Merlin. Could he smell me?

My heartbeat spiked at the silent question, and from the way he averted his eyes, I assumed the answer was yes.

I realised then that, although I was afraid, my body was needy. I had rarely touched myself since the end of the war, and the anticipation of intimacy elicited a long-lost response. Heat suffused my cheeks as I sensed the warmth coiling in my belly.

"I need a moment," I said. Remus nodded, a look of poorly concealed mortification on his face, and I was sure he'd be glad to have a minute alone as well.

I escaped to the loo. Standing in front of the mirror I took out Severus's vial, and studied it more closely. I remembered what he'd said when he handed it to me. "In case the past is too hard to bear." I had no idea what it would do. It could be anything from a numbing potion, to one that inspired intense desire. Though I highly doubted the latter from Severus. In a moment of bravery I unstopped the vial, releasing a deep scent of copper and earth, and took the potion in one swallow.

A few moments passed, but I sensed no effect, either in my body or my mind. It didn't really matter. Even if the potion wouldn't work on me, it had been Severus's kindness that counted.

Remus was sitting against the headboard with his legs crossed when I returned to the bedroom. "Just one thing," I said, standing in the doorway.

He nodded, listening.

"I don't want to be underneath you."

"Alright," he said.

I took off my jumper, and my trousers and knickers, leaving on my t-shirt and socks. Then I went to him, and touched his hand. I could see through the thin fabric of his boxers that he was ready. He held my hips as I straddled him, and after the quiet shifting of fabric, took him into me.

There was a breathless pause. He was trembling. I rolled my hips once, but I was no expert. He helped me, pulling me a bit closer.

"Is that alright?" he said, to my shoulder.

"Yes," I murmured.

His hands were gentle and guiding. He pulled me in again, and I surrendered control, letting him set the pace. Quickly his breathing grew harder, and I sensed again some of the urgency that I'd seen in his eyes before. I wondered if it had something to do with the moon, but trusted that he'd have told me if it was dangerous to be with him. I didn't think he would hurt me, but still he was stronger than he seemed.

My mind wandered off, and my body took the lead. At one point, as he also lost himself, I felt him starting to turn us over. I gasped, brought fully back, and Remus hesitated as he realised his mistake. "Sorry," he said, his voice hoarse. My whole body was throbbing, attuned to his open lips pressing into my shoulder, his arms wrapped around me, his shaking breath.

I felt my blood rushing, my skin lighting up with instinctive desire. My body was desperate, but I couldn't let go. I clenched my eyelids shut as Remus grew rougher–and I knew that it was almost over. He came with a groan, deep vibrations running me through. His arms tightened around me, and for a second my mind went blank. When he let go I climbed off of him and lay down, my body shaking.

The air was hot. Outside, the storm was still going on.

He touched my leg gently. "Do you want me to…"

"No," I said, not too sharply.

He took his hand away, and sat on the end of the bed, running his hands through his hair. I watched him, my heart pounding. He looked embarrassed. No, worse. Ashamed.

"Remus," I said.

He looked at me.

"It's okay."

He nodded, but I knew he didn't believe me. "Want the shower first?" he said, in a weak voice.

"You take it," I answered.

He stood, and looked down at me. "Are you alright?"

I nodded.

"I'll be just a minute."

He left, and I heard the water turn on in the other room. I let myself rest, staring out the window at the hard cold rain pounding the earth. Slowly the heat in my body eased, and I could think clearly again.

Remus returned in a button-up shirt and trousers, his hair damp and messy. He handed me a clean towel from the linen closet.

"Thank you," I said, standing up. My legs wobbled slightly.

"Are you sure you're alright?" he asked.

I looked down at myself, for his tone made it seem like something terrible had happened to me. But I could see nothing wrong. "I'm fine," I answered. "Thanks."

I realised, under the warm water of the shower, that the potion had done something after all. It had kept me from thinking of Fred, or the other time, when I was in bed with Remus. Even now, as I thought of Fred again, I didn't feel as guilty as I ought. I silently thanked Severus for his foresight, and his decency.

I wondered if Remus had struggled not to think of Tonks, and decided I wouldn't blame him if that's what he'd needed to get himself through.

When I emerged, he was gone. There was a note on a table.

Out for a walk. Back soon. Remus.

"In this weather?" I said out loud to myself, worried by the rain. I walked through the dark house to the sitting room and perched on the sofa, looking out the window and waiting for him. Promptly a drowsiness fell over me. I barely had time to wonder if this was an aftereffect of the potion before my eyelids started to droop.

In the last moment before I fell asleep, a pang of anxiety hit me. Had Remus expected me to take his absence as a signal to apparate back to the Burrow, that he wanted to be left alone? Deliriously, I told myself that I would disapparate before he returned, so as not to be in his way.

Then sleep closed over me and I worried no more.