11. Hunston

True to his word, Remus decided to visit Andromeda and Teddy for three days. He made it clear that I didn't have to come with him if I didn't want to. But I knew he had the same feeling about Andromeda's house as he did towards No. 12, so I told him I wanted to go. It was true that I wished to see Teddy again.

As we walked out of the castle to apparate, he looked like he was going to the guillotine. I thought he might bail at any moment, but he didn't.

"I doubt she'll be so upset with you," I said, when the tense silence became too much to bear. "She'll be glad that you came."

But I realised as I watched his face that it wasn't Andromeda he was worried about. I kicked myself for my lack of consideration. It was Teddy, and the memory of Tonks.

Andromeda lived in a thatched-roofed house in the village of Hunston, Suffolk, a tiny parish village with one muggle telephone box. It still had not snowed there, and dry leaves skated down the street day and night. I could only imagine how Tonks must have hated this town as a teenager, knowing how adventurous she was.

There was a baby gate keeping Teddy from going up the stairs, and Remus took it as an excuse to avoid them as well. Though Andromeda offered him a room, he took to sleeping on the couch instead. At first I thought it was because he wanted to be near the boy, or because the idea of staying in a guest room seemed too permanent to him. But I soon sensed that he was wary of the upstairs because of memories, particularly Tonks's bedroom.

For the first time, I was grateful that I hadn't known her better. I feared that, if I had, I might have escaped myself by trying to be more like her. It was easier to try to fill Remus's voids than to address my own. But as it stood I had barely known her, and I saw by the way he acted in that house that any puppet I might have made out of myself would have paled in comparison to the woman he'd loved.

Most of the visit he spent with Teddy, but he still had to escape quite often, and went out for long walks in the countryside. We didn't know where he went off to, but it must have been far, because Andromeda and I would take Teddy all around the village in the afternoons and not catch sight of him once.

Andromeda's favourite place to take Teddy was a beautiful church surrounded by trees and brambles, with dark narrow windows and a small graveyard. We sat on a fallen tree while Teddy played with the dead leaves.

"She was here while she was pregnant, you know," said Andromeda. "He left her, during the war."

A cold breeze came through. I turned to look at her, but she continued staring ahead as she spoke.

"She was miserable. Absolutely miserable, more than I ever saw her. And then so happy when he came back. Tail between his legs, he was so ashamed of himself. I couldn't see how she forgave him, but she did. And then that horrible night. We knew there was a battle at Hogwarts. I told her not to go, and she promised me she wouldn't. I came in to check on her and the baby, and she was gone. I got the news two days later. Didn't believe it. I kept thinking that he would come to see Teddy, like it would finally be real that she was dead once I saw him on the doorstep alone… but he didn't. Not until four months after she'd been… she'd been…"

I averted my gaze as she wiped sudden tears away, wanting to be respectful, but also needing to hide my own sudden emotion. I hadn't known anything about what Andromeda had told me. It was unthinkable to me that Remus had left Tonks on her own when she was pregnant. But I also knew that he would never do a thing like that heartlessly; only with too much heart in the wrong place. I finally understood just how terrifying the idea of marriage and fatherhood was to him. And now here I was, forcing him back into that role he'd so feared and tried to avoid.

"I'm sorry dear," Andromeda said, once she'd gotten herself under control. "Don't know where that came from, just slipped out."

I told her it was alright, but felt very quiet and inward for the rest of the night. Remus didn't return until very late. I was lying awake in the guest room bed upstairs, and heard the door close as he came in. I turned over, hugging the blankets. I didn't know how I was going to look at him tomorrow.

The next day, after tea, Remus and I spent time with Teddy together. We sat on the floor while he crawled across the rug babbling to himself, his hair changing colours, or sat chewing something and watching us with wide clear eyes, or toddled around pursuing a toy that Remus had charmed to levitate just out of reach.

You're good at this, I wanted to say to him, but decided that would have been inappropriate. All I could do was watch Teddy and feel overwhelmed by the fact that, eventually, I would have to have a child of my own.

And if Remus left me as he had left Tonks? The thought alone was paralysing.

For a minute I lost myself in anxiety. When I looked up I saw that, rather than being absorbed in Teddy, Remus had been watching me. I saw, in a brief moment of nakedness in his eyes, that he had also been thinking about the fact that we would have to have a child together. He held my gaze for a second, and then returned his focus to making the toy levitate, because Teddy had grown bored with it lying on the floor.

I couldn't find it in myself to speak, so stood up silently and let myself out of the house, needing to take a walk to calm myself down, to stop feeling trapped.

I walked out of the village and down the footpath through the woods to the church. An anger welled up in me–at the ministry, at Andromeda's loose tongue, at Fred being gone, at the empty feeling the world had. It felt like there was a heavy stone in my throat, keeping me from freedom. I growled aloud as I walked, but it didn't vent my frustration, only made it stronger.

Only when I reached the church did I feel my breath slow. I looked at the dark windows and walked around the perimeter a few times, smelling the earth and the leaves. There was a dull, ancient magic there, remembered only by the whispering trees.

"Never liked churches," Remus said. I wasn't startled by the sound of his voice. I'd half-sensed him walking through the woods behind me.

"Why not?" I asked. I was ashamed of myself for not being able to look at him, but didn't force it. I didn't want him to see the weakness in my eyes.

"Don't know. Give me an awful feeling."

I couldn't blame him. Much of the prejudice against werewolves had been endorsed and empowered by religion.

He drew a deep breath. "I'm sorry, Wilma. I really am. I shouldn't have let you come here."

"Let me? Remus, I asked to come with you."

"You should never have been involved with all of this in the first place. This is all purely because of the law. You have no responsibility for my life. That's all my mess, if you know what I mean."

His voice had risen slightly, and I'd looked at him out of instinct. His eyes softened, and he looked at his shoes. I felt tears brimming in my eyes. He had a sensitivity that was too much for me to bear. He expected so little of me, and I wished he expected more. At that moment he seemed very gentle and sad.

Something came over me then. It was overconfident to think that I might be able to comfort him, this man who had known more of pain and suffering than I had, this man almost two decades older than me. But at that moment, I felt that I could.

"Remus," I said. "Remus…"

I walked slowly towards him. He watched with wariness, but didn't stop me. I came to stand quite close to him, looking up into his waiting face. My voice trembled. "You don't have to do this alone."

And I slowly leaned into him. It was awkward at first. He stopped breathing at the feeling of my arms around him, and I feared I'd gone too far. But then his arms closed around me, one hand on my back, one on my shoulder. His brown jumper was soft, and I could hear his heart beneath it.

A strange relaxation flooded my body at the closeness of another person. I could have stayed there forever.

But Remus must have felt differently, for after a few moments he gently pushed me away. I was suddenly embarrassed, and told myself I was being foolish. I had to be careful. I couldn't let myself sink into the trap of wishing he was Fred.

"Shall we go back?" he said, after a strange pause.

I nodded my head, and silently we walked abreast back to the village.

We set off to Grimmauld Place soon after that, leaving in the morning when it was still dark, so that we could get into the London house without attracting the notice of muggles.

"I hope you'll come again," Andromeda said as we stepped out the door. "At least once before Christmas."

And it was strange to realise that she wasn't only addressing Remus, but me as well.

Remus was silent, but I sensed I could speak for us both. "We will," I promised her. Then I took his hand, and we were gone.