Chapter 3: Trial by Fire
"What if I release thee now, and give thee back thy sword?"
"Nay!" said the Baron, "Mock not at my fall,
For iron, cold iron, is the master of men all."

Leslie Fish, Cold Iron

"-THROW HIM IN PRISON!-"

"-LOCK HIM UP!-"

"-WHY IS HE FREE WALKING AROUND!?-"

To say the town was upset, well… to say that itself was an understatement would be an understatement.

And here I sit surrounded by the outraged residents of Ponyville as they call out names, profanities, insults, and whatever grievances they may have against me with only a thin line of unenthused guards who are barely doing their job.

Anyways, I'm getting way ahead of myself let me start before we arrived in angry pony hell.

The 'Charlie' entourage left the Golden Oak Library in style in Celestia's personal chariot bound to the Town Hall. And when I say 'in stlye' I fucking mean 'in style'. It was practically dipped in gold with many jewels, engravings, premiere cloth, et cetera… Years upon years of of craftsmanship is what I'm staring at. It was an honest to God horse carriage as well as being horse drawn. Or pony drawn would be the right saying here as six impeccably armored Pegasus ponies were leashed waiting for a command. They're armor matches the golden theme of the chariot that made Captain Cornholes here look like his birthday suit. It felt like I had to sell my soul to be given the privilege of looking at it let alone being escorted like I'm Mr. Worldwide himself. Escorted by a God no less. I told everyone that crime pays and they all laughed! Who's laughing now?

Celestia made the ponies take their time so Twilight could go do whatever the fuck she had to do which suited me just fine. I'm not in any rush to get there either but I will admit a quicker pace would've gotten me out of the cold. The mid-December gales were in full this season and I can't express how much ass that is for me. It wasn't snowing but there was still a sheet of cold ice from the day before which I'm way too under dressed for. The chills hit me pretty bad and the shivering doesn't stop but nevertheless we continued forward slowly trundling along. A single flannel isn't exactly frostbite retardant let me tell ya. I tried getting that shitbird Rarity to make me some proper wool coats before the season, but she refused! Unbelievable she'd deny someone like me service! The gall! I should sue…

Things seemed fine at first. Like the town itself I mean. Minus the annoying ponies everywhere (which was odd at the time but I think you have enough brain cells to already know where they all are) everything was normal. That was until we turned a certain corner and my jaw practically slammed down off my fuckin' head.

All around the town center was carnage. Looked like a fuckin' riot had ploughed through town. Windows smashed, doors bent out or just missing, furniture and different possessions strewn across the street, statues knocked over, guard helmets laying around, mailboxes bent, holes in some of the thatch roofs, I could go on and on… If there's something fucked it's there.

I shake my head in awe of the devastation. "What the fuck happened here? It looks like fuckin' a hurricane made it's fuckin' bed here and stayed for the season…"

"You happened, Charlie." I hear Celestia sigh behind me as I see the decapitated head of the fountain statue lay motionless on the ground 20 yards away from where it should be. "You happened…"

I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I did this? There's no fuckin' way I could do this. For the damage I'm seeing you'd need like a mosh pit sized head bangin' crowd to do what I'm being accused of. Like for real, it looks like footage of the LA riots aftermath…

I turn to Celestia who is watching me intently as I gazed upon the town. I speak my mind. "How the fuck could I do this? I'm one fuckin' guy! There's no way I could do something like this!" I lick my dry lips as I try to remember. "I could see maybe one house but not an entire section of town!"

Yeah, I've had my dealings of property damage before but not on a scale like this. Jackasses who owed Bill money would either have their windows broken…or their legs. Really depended on how were easy they were to find or how much trouble they gave me. But that was just a brick through a window, something to scare em, this is just demolishment.

She studies me for a second unsure about something before she finally speaks. "But you did, Charlie. You're lucky nopony was seriously hurt by the time I arrived." She looks towards the front of the carriage and frowns. "Shining, prepare yourselves."

Confused I gaze in the direction Celestia was looking and it was not good, bruv. The carousel shaped building (which I realized as I saw it was a pony gag. I hate this place) known as the town hall had a technicolor mob practically toppling the building as we came in view. Oh God! They're there for me!

Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit

I'm so fuckin' dead…

We pull up and Shining, as instructed, formed a phalanx with his men to part the sea of malding ponies ready to take a piece of me. I wish I could tell you what happened next but it all went too fast for me to retain anything. What I can tell you is that it was loud. Like I couldn't hear myself think loud. Overlapping yelling accumulated into a white noise of sorts nothing to differentiate form another. But it lasted like 30 seconds as I was rushed into the building where the doors quickly closed behind me. As far as I could tell I didn't enter through the main entrance, probably a side or fire exit. Easier to keep enraged ponies out I reckon.

Now I've only ever been inside the town hall once. Twilight and I had some stupid errand to run like a month ago, a delivery for some book convention I think… but it's almost exactly as I remember it to be honest. The large room, due to the odd shape of the building, is octagonal with a high dome shaped roof with colored glass adorning all sides. The acoustics in here are on point let me tell ya. The Mormons would have a field day in here.

Anyways, the thing that is different is the set up in here. Instead of scattered tables and chairs set up in small sections it seems they organized the large building into an honest to God court room. Or at least the Equestrian equivalent to one. There is a high seat where a judge would sit, where a witness would stand, and pews parallel with said stand where I assume the townspeople would sit. I can say a lot about this nacho flavored shithole and how little fucks I give for its quirks but the one thing that continually impresses me is the craftsmanship of the woodwork. Everything looks like its made of different color-stained mahogany or other expensive hard woods carefully detailed with carved patterns of flowers and clouds. I could tell it was made with experience and pride.

Mr Campbell would've really liked it here for that…

Celestia was so busy giving orders to the boner brigade that I was able to slip away from her side for a minute and stretch my legs. I've got a bad feeling I'm gonna be here a while and I better enjoy what little freedom I have while I have it. Who the fuck knows what's gonna happen to me after this shebang is done with. The uncomfortable chains they slapped onto me didn't give me a lot of wiggle room to walk as there isn't enough slack to let me extend my leg out normally. I kinda waddle like a retarded penguin who's parents didn't love him. I look like I shit myself and can't find a fuckin' restroom. I look like… You get the gist I can't walk normally.

Almost immediately I noticed the court room wasn't empty when we arrived either much to my ever-growing delight upon this fantastic situation. On the far side of the room were a bunch of ponies I unfortunately recognized. It was Twilight and her ragtag group of downies or most of them anyway. I had a few run ins with pretty much all of them and none of them have been pleasant. Not that it's their fault really. I'm a dick who cant be nice and these shitheads are the most generous creatures to ever breathe oxygen. You can see where the problem may arise when we converse. Like oil and fuckin' water.

To my luck, what little I have, the one I really, really, really, really, really don't like isn't present as far as I can tell thank fuckin' Christ. You'll know who in a second, she's just not here yet.

Key fucking words: Fucking. Yet.

They're all busy conversing to notice that I silently walked up behind them a few pews back most of their backs are turned to me.

Spikes voice I easily recognize as I get in vicinity of the conversation. "-not that bad! C'mon this is what the Princesses want! I know he messed up but he's not that terrible."

I catch the sound of a southern drawl as I get closer. "Spike, have you lost yer mind! You saw wut he did in town! Yer crazy as he is if ya think ah'm letting him back on ma farm after that!"

Another speaks up incredulously in a posh accent. "Darling, he almost put my shop out of business. You're already asking a lot to forgive him but… This!"

A pink blob speaks up next. "Yeah! Me too! Well, I guess not really me that was put out of business it was the Cakes bakery so technically it would be them saying that. Though I kinda work there but not really, you feel me? But the same thing Rarity said!"

And another timidly… "H-he almost k-killed R-Rainbow…"

Twilight huffs anxiously. "I know what he did, okay! I know. Please, mares, this is the only way." The others didn't look convinced. She continues. "He messed up and I can't excuse him. I know he did but this is what Princess Celestia wants!"

The stetson wearing hick shakes her head at the comment. "Ah know this is what she wants…. I just-" She turns her orange head slightly stopping mid-sentence and catches me standing aloof listening to them explain how much of a piece of shit I am.

I start whistling and look around like I didn't hear any of that. Her face sours into anger and the others follow suit mimicking Applejack with exception of Twilight and Spike whose eyes bulge out of their heads upon seeing me. Another exception would be the timid one who flung herself behind a pew and now her fear induced shivering butt is sticking out in the air.

I smile like a moron and wave like I didn't hear anything and gesture around the room. "Looks a little different in here than the last time I was here! New rug?" If you ever seen The Truman Show, you'll know exactly who I'm impersonating right now.

The orange mare sporting a stetson and a blonde mane walks between the group and myself without losing eye contact before speaking. "Ah must be blind because ah don't know wut the Princess sees in you, mister… Ah met some real jerks but you? You take the cake."

I scrunch my nose. "Are you serious about that cake? Because if you are I want it dropped off at 123 eat-my-dick avenue. It's right down the road from here you can't mi-"

Before I could finish my witty remark, the wind is knocked out of me as it feels like a fuckin' linebacker smashes into me from behind causing me to topple over onto the ground. As I try to shake off the pain and get up to see what the flying fuck just happened a flurry of punches to my abdomen and head land devastating blows.

"I'M READY FOR ROUND TWO YOU, MONSTER!" I could barely hear the raspy yell as I try my absolute damnedest to deflect some of this hooved assault.

I Twilight try to intervene. "Rainbow! Get off of him! He-"

"HE'S GONNA REGRET COMING BACK HERE!" A crazy mare screams. Get me the fuck outta here!

I try to get a look at who was attacking me and all I got from my reconnaissance was a broken nose. I heard the cartilage snap as a strike connects with my dumb head. Due to the fuckin' chains I can't do anything but cover my head and pray for a miracle. The blows keep coming and coming as I hear more arguing between some of the ponies. Some are begging her to stop while others are cheering her on.

And as quick as the blows came they cease.

My eyes fling open to see a cyan colored pony and a rainbow-colored mane with a shocked expression adorning her stupid face. Medical gauze was wrapped around her dumb head and was suspended off the ground with a dark sapphire aura containing her. Looked like magic but whose? Looking over I see Hamlet- I mean- Princess Luna's horn lit up in the same color hue as what was around Ponified Mike Tyson.

She stared blankly. "Thou shouldn't place hooves on another… as thee both shouldst knoweth by now." She warns staring down at me. I get the crud kicked outta me and I still get talked down to? I can't fuckin' win.

I feel blood pool in my hand from the broken nose I was hold. "Yeah, what she said." I say nasally. Pain hits me as I touch it wrong. "Fuck! My fwuckin' nowse…" The blood seeps through my hand and drips onto the floor. Spike looks like he's gonna pass out.

The cyan pony looked at this dark monarch with what almost looked like betrayal. "Princess Luna?! You shouldn't be stopping me! You should be stopping that-that-" She pauses still mid air not sure what word to call me. she's probably gonna call me a "...MONSTER!" Yep called it. "Not me!"

Celestia walks up next to the dark one with a look of displeasure. "My sister is right, Miss Dash… Violence begets violence as I'm sure Charlie is starting to understand." What the fuck is she talking about? Can I not wallow in pain without it turning into a fucking lesson? She continues with a smile. "I am glad you are feeling better though. You had us worried."

I scoff. "Yeah… 'eal fwuckin' worrwied…" Spike seemingly finding some courage walks over with a rag which I rudely snatch it to soak up some of Charlies patented bean juice.

The Cyan cock sandwich cackles in delight at the sound of my voice. "Not big and scary now, are ya? Now that your in chains and sound stupid! Hahaha"

I was gonna say something snarky but decided that setting my nose was more important than arguing with a vegetable. Just feeling it you could tell it was off kilter to the left. Fuck dude it was practically at a 90 degree angle… I take both my thumbs and place them on both sides of my face and suck in a breath air before pushing said thumbs inward, feeling the crunch of the cartilage snapping back into place. Or at least I hope it is in place. The last thing my fugly face needs is a crooked nose let me tell ya. The pain of setting it was worse than it breaking to be honest as the stars in my vision was a good fuckin' indicator of that. Some of the ponies, including Celestia, wince as the crunch was audible throughout the room.

I suck in air through my nose being able to breathe just like before. "Good as new…" I grumble. I scowl up at the floating pony and hock a blood loogy on the floor in her direction. She looked surprised by the act. "That all you got, rainbow tits?"

She squirms in anger. "WHY I OUGHTA-"

A hoof slams the floor. "Charlie! Rainbow Dash! That is enough!" Celestia scolds. "I have enough to worry about and the last thing I need is you two killing each other all day! Rainbow Dash, I understand your anger but please I need you to be more responsible. If not for the sake of Ponyville, then for the sake of your friends. Don't stoop to Charlie's level… It's what he wants."

Fuuuuuuuuck yooooooooouuuuu.

She kinda looks guilty as sin and tilts her head down after the bereavement. "Yes Princess… I'm sorry…"

Celestia smiles. "Apology accepted, little one. I know you just arrived and this entire situation is confusing especially after all that has happened but follow your friends leads. I need you here and I unfortunately don't have enough time to explain the entire plan." She coos before turning to her sister. "Luna?"

"Of course, dear sister." The dark Princess nods and releases the donkey from her magical grip. She floats to the floor like a feather still giving me an untrustful look but heeding her rulers word and walking over to the others, giving small nuzzles to everyone. Fucking gross.

Celestia looks sadly down at me still sitting on the floor covered in blood from the broken nose. I must look fuckin' pathetic. "You know if you had just waited I would of fixed it for you in a less painful way…" She says softly.

She studies me a moment longer before her horn lights up and I am assisted of the ground to my feet as the pastel rainbow aura covers me. Looking down at my shirt I see the blood slowly fade until it disappears entirely leaving no trace that I was injured at all. Next my tender nose feels… I don't know how to put it into words. Like a warm mug of cocoa on a cold winters day. Before I could inspect the godly feeling further it recedes as Celestia's magic halts. Touching my nose I realize she healed it entirely and no its longer tender.

She smiles proudly at her work. "There!" She states. "Like nothing happened. The last thing we need is for all the ponies of Ponyville to see you in such a ghastly manner!"

Shining walks over. "Your Majesties! The Mayor has requested that trial starts as soon as possible and that there should not be any further delays. I think we're all ready. Just waiting for your command my liege."

She frowns. "Thank you, Captain. Tell the mayor that we are ready and that she may start bringing citizens in." The captain salutes before turning around to go find this mayor. Celestia turns back to me her frown deepening as she does so. "Charlie, here's how this is going to happen. I know this is gonna fall on deaf ears but please refrain from saying anything…" She pauses to think of a word but just sighs. "Just don't be you, okay? Let my sister and myself handle this. This is not a situation where being crass will be of any use as this a delicate matter. Just be quiet… can you do that for me, Charlie?" She gazes at me expecting an honest answer.

I shake my head at the notion of being pampered like a kid who broke his neighbor's mailbox… Well, I did (Supposedly!) do that but that's beside the point. What's the worst that could happen if I don't follow along here? I get fucked again by a stampede of hooves again? Thrown in prison?

I'm not able to return home?

I frown at that thought as it doesn't feel like me saying it. Like the rational part of my brain has sectioned itself off from the rest and is pleading with me. I sigh and pull on my beard still deep in thought. I look over at the pony crew to see what they think. The only helpful response was from Twilight as the others are still scowling at me. Twilight nods again as if to tell me 'let her do it'.

I sigh once more. "Whatever… Let's just get this over with…"

Celestia eyes me some more still unsure but laments and nods. "I suppose that will be the best I'll get out you, Charlie… Now then, Places everypony! We have a town to win back!"

"uhm what are we doing?" I hear Rainbow ask Twilight.

"Just go take a seat I don't have time to explai-"

I'm whisked away by the guards before I could hear the rest and placed in a special area in the court room that looks specifically designed for me. It was a stand facing the pews which had little hooks for the chains to be inserted. The guards do exactly what I thought they would and link the chains through imprisoning me like a fuckin' circus freak. Behind me was what I'd like to call 'the high table of douchebags'. Celestia, Luna, Twilight, and her friends all had a spot designated to them and it was set higher than that of the pews so the onlookers could see who was swinging the gavel. And that wasn't a figure of speech either there's a literal pair of gavels where the Princesses reside.

Typical of a fuckin' court room. I've spent enough time in them to grow uneasy at the thought of trials, judges, and fines… or prison time…There's no prosecutor or defendant and I sure as shit didn't get a right to a lawyer, but I'm obviously in the epicenter of equestrian law as Princess Celestia is the judge, jury, and hopefully executioner so I don't have to deal with this shit anymore. Pretty soon noisy ponies enter in a frenzy taking seats in the pews yelling equestrian obscenities and what not like you heard before. Monster is stated over and over and over again.

Now that you're all caught up you know why I dubbed this 'angry pony hell' before.

Fuck my life, dude…

In front of me was the Mayor in all her stupid glory being a spokesman of sorts for the angry mob behind her. Oh I'm sorry, I meant Mayor Mare… Have I mentioned how much I fuckin' hate this place yet?

"-ENCASE HIM IN STONE!-"

"-WHY IS THERE A TRIAL AT ALL!-"

"-GUILTY, GUILTY, GUILTY!"

The sound of two reverberating gavel smacks fills the room. "Order! Order in the court!" Celestia commands. The sounds of smoldering mares and stallions continue and four more gavel strikes sound off behind me. "ORDER IN THIS COURT!"

Finally the townspeople seem to start settling in for queen whack-a-mole behind me and a relative silence embraces the cold court room. A cough and some whispering can still be heard though.

I hear Celestia clear her throat. "Mayor Mare of Ponyville, you have invoked Equestrian law of the highest degree against a one Charles P. O'Hannah. Is this correct? If I'm not mistaken this is the first time in all the years in office you begot such a law. The crimes must be severe if that is the case."

My eyes practically bulge out of my head at hearing my entire name announced to the entire fuckin' town. I spin around and scowl at Cereal knowing full well how she knows it. The cunt has my journal. It's the only place my full name is written and is the only thing that I had on me that could of clued her in. My eyes narrow and my hand starts buzzing and an episode of shocks begin. Celestia realizes what I'm doing and gives me a look that says 'later'…

Before I could blow a fuse, the tan furred Mayor reciprocates the question with an answer. "Yes, your highness! Here I have a list of complaints and illegal activities of Mr. O'Hannah that has been brought to my attention since his arrival almost four months ago. As a civil servant of Ponyville it is my duty to ensure the law is followed and embraced." Fucking fed…

Celestia hums in response. "And what are the crimes of the defendant in question? Please state them for the record."

Mayor Mare clears her throat and pulls a book out of her bag and opens a page before stating these (Supposed!) crimes.

"Harassment!" Bullshit. If my charming personality is considered harassment, then these ponies have no idea what kind of hell Earth would be to them. They'd disintegrate if they ever met a New Yorker.

"Shoplifting!" I'm not gonna argue this one. I took some food from the Hay Cafe without permission. It said free sample on the box! Nowhere did it explicitly say only one!

"Disorderly Conduct! Disturbing the peace! Vandalism!" Okay… Yeah. I may or may not of gotten some payback for the ponies of the Hay Cafe for refusing me service after taking that box of sandwiches. I just broke one table I don't know what the big deal is.

"Bribery!" And it's not my fault Mayor Mangina doesn't like money…

"Aggravated Assault! Battery!" You get the point. I'm not a good person.

She babbles on for a while explaining each crime in critical detail that I may or may not of perpetrated but with each listing the ponies reactions get angrier and more appalled. Even Twilight looks disappointed as she hears of some of the escapades, she wasn't a part of. To add insult to injury The mayor brought witnesses to the stand to add emphasis of their claims of wrongdoings. Most I just ignored as I know exactly how it went down and how much they are exaggerated.

I got bored and starting singing bar songs in my head to pass the time paying no attention to the (SUPPOSED!) crimes until the mayor brought someone to the stand that I recognized. The couple that owns the Sugarcube Corner walk up to the stand looking absolutely devastated. They'd obviously been crying for what looked like days.

Wait a goddamn second… I never wronged them at least no more than anyone else. If anything, I was their best paying customer for a hot fuckin' minute. Da fuck?

I hear Celestia clear her throat behind me. "Mr. and Mrs. Cake, I understand your testimony gives an understanding in what caused Mr. O'Hannah to as you said and quote 'go berserk'…"

Mr Cake looks at me fearfully and up at Celestia. "That is correct, Your Highness. It was like any other day really. Customers coming and going, adding chocolate chips to the cookie dough, making sure the souffles didn't deflate… Even Charlie coming in for the day wasn't odd. He'd been a regular since he was first introduced to me and my wife. He really likes the double chocolate rocky road cupcakes extra sprinkles and got them frequently so seeing him was normal enough I suppose. Even though he was ruder than a Minotaur in rutting season his money was good so it was a price to pay. Anyways, he came in with Twilight Sparkle and Spike asking for the same cupcake he got practically everyday."

Hmm everything he's said so far is true… Their pastries are outta this world, man.

He continues. "Again, nothing odd, me and Mrs. Cake went into the back to get his order ready and all of a sudden a terrible ruckus could be heard beyond the front counter! We rushed out and we see Charlie with one of the display tables over his head smashing everything to pieces! He was shouting! Calling us liars and that we just were playing him! I've never spoken an untrue sentence to him once I swear, Your Highness! We tried to stop him but he just knocked us around like we were cotton balls! We cowered upstairs to protect our foals until the fighting stopped…" He starts tearing up. "Everything we had was in that shop. Our business… our livelihood… our home… It was destroyed! We can't rebuild until the end of winter which is months away! The revenue loss alone for our product has destroyed us but he went further than just financial ruin! Our family no longer have a home!" He starts wailing and his wife joins him and comforts him.

The fuck is this asshole on about? I didn't do that. I think I'd remember if I… went…

I see hands holding what remains of a broken chair and hurl it through the front window of the Sugarcube Corner. Some ponies peer in curious of whats happening.

"YOU'VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME!" I scream at no one in particular before hurdling another piece of furniture at the same onlooking ponies.

Oh fuck, dude. I'm so fucked…

The Cakes can't seem to continue in the emotional state they're in and request to step off the podium. They are given permission. After the Cakes an entire senate of witness come forward describing my rampage. As far as I could tell, once I was done with the Cakes, I shambled into the street with rage destroying everything and anything I could find. The guard couldn't do anything to stop me which is kinda surprising. These ponies are a lot tougher than they look and a lot stronger too. Like that freak Applejack. I've seen her pretty much unroot a fully grown apple tree with a few strong kicks. Apparently, I fought Twilight and all her retard friends behind me as well. Well fight isn't a word I'd use, more like contain. Half of them started evacuating the townsfolk and the other half were just distracting me. I learn that I fucked up Rainbow Dash during the scuffle right before Celestia BTFO'd me back to the fuckin' stone age though…

Fuck me, man, I don't fucking remember any of this!

The Mayor begins once more after the last witness finishes. "Charles P. O'Hannah is a danger to everpony in Equestria. Since his arrival he has been nothing but trouble with nothing done and now he openly destroys towns without consequence too? No! The citizens of Ponyville demand justice, Your Highness! These crimes cannot go without some kind of repercussion! This creature must be punished!" Creature? I'm not a fuckin… Okay I'll give you that one.

I look behind me to see Celestia lift an eyebrow. "Oh? And what punishment do you think would fit the crime, Mayor Mare?"

The mayor smirks. "That is up to you, Your Highness. However, I must implore executive action immediately!" I laugh at this gaining the Mayors attention looking appalled. "Do you find this funny, Monster?! Something you want to say?!" I want to speak so bad but I know it will just ruin me if I do. I did promise Celestia I wouldn't-

I hear Celestia behind me knock me out of my thoughts. "This is your trial you are entitled to have your say if you wish." The room grows quiet and all eyes are trained on me. "Of course, if that's what you want, Perry…"

I snap my head around like a fuckin' bullet at hearing my middle name being announced. "WHAT DID YOU CALL ME YOU FUCKIN'- RAAAAAAHHHGGGG!" My entire body is engulfed in nerve killing flames. My vision blurs into red static, my chest burns, my body convulses. All I can do is scream as the pain doubles over time. "RAAAAAAAHHHGGGG STOOOOOOOOP!" I plead but no one answers.

After a lifetime it finally ceases. I suck in air for what seemed like the first time and panic as any second another episode will take hold. I feel a warm liquid run down my the side of my head in between breaths. I instinctively wipe it off and stare at my hand only to see blood.

Fuck me, man…

My vision slightly returns, and I see the mayor where she was standing looking at me confused. I vaguely hear the voice of Celestia behind me. "As you can see, Mayor, punishment has already been implemented." I turn and see blurred colored blobs where Celestia and the rest should be. "We all know Charlie has a temper. This temper is the same reason we're in this predicament in the first place. So what do we do with a dangerous somepony with uncontrolled temper? Simple. We control it." The faces start to come together, and I see looks of shock from Twilight's friends at the scene they witnessed. "This is only part of Charlie's rehabilitation program."

Rehabilitation!

Oh hell no.

The Mayor blinks. "Rehabilitation...? Your Highness, with all due respect this thing…" She juts an outraged hoof at me. "…doesn't require rehabilitation it requires imprisonment! Banishment! Why on all of Equestria would we want to rehabilitate an obvious threat!" I hate that I'm inclined to agree with a fed… A pony fed of all things.

A new voice chips in. "Doth thee not believeth in redemption, Mayor?" A stern mare's voice reverberates through the room. Luna's as a matter of fact. "Then by yond logic I shouldst not deserve redemption either. I almost did destroy all of equestria and thus shouldst best dethroned… shouldst I not?"

The mayor looks befuddled and stammers. "I-I didn't say that, Princess Luna, I strongly believe in redemption! Just not for an obvious savage as him!"

Luna frowns. "We doth all deserve redemption, Mayor. Coequal the coldest of beings might not but hast the chance to redeem themselves. I am reminded of this every day I leadeth this ground with mine owneth decisions. A chance I never hadst before." Luna looks at me and gives a small smile. "I must believeth yond we all art given chances every day. Tis only up to us if 't thee seize it…" It sounds like she was talking to me there at the end… Fuck you.

The mayor is left speechless. She stammers a few times but remains quiet. The silence in the room is deafening as Luna's words cut its way into the minds and hearts of the people. Fuckin' morons…

Celestia seeing that there was no more opposition against her proposal continues. "The shocks are just a precaution for his actual sentence. An assurance of sorts to know that this incident won't happen again. His real sentence begins with my champions, the Elements of Harmony!" I scrunch my nose in confusion at this. As does Rainshit Ass. "They will start a journey and set example to even the most difficult of ponies! A task only they can teach. To show Charlie the magic of friendship!"

"WHAT?!" Rainbow and I scream at the same time and we glance at each other and scowl. The only thing differentiating the two of us being my uncomfortable shocks. The other 5 all look uncomfortable with the prospect but seem to have already heard this revelation.

Celestia ignores our outburst and picks up the gavel hitting the podium three times. "The sentence is carried and this case is closed! This court is adjourned!" The guards upon hearing this start rounding up the residents and guiding them out of the hall. This was a lengthy process and gave me time to process.

Magic of friendship? You've got to be fuckin' kiddin' me. I vaguely remember Sunbutt mentioning something along of this when we were fighting but I didn't think they would fucking babysit me. I look over at this 'Mane six' and see all of them arguing with Rainbow. I can't hear anything, but I know she's upset at the prospect of being apart of my 'rehabilitation'. She looks practically hysterical, yelling and shoving as the others try to calm her down. I see her vehemently shake her head no one last time and she zooms upward with her wings the top of the hall knocking open a window while doing so. I hear a loud clap of lightning a few moments later that seemed to shake the building. A small snowflake floats down and lands on my hand melting but not before the cold seeps it's way into my skin.

The last episode killed all the spark in me to be honest, so I just sit there, uncharacteristically quiet, deep thought while the ponies were herded away. So deep in fact I didn't hear someone walk up behind me until they spoke.

"Charlie?" A voice asks. It was Spike. "Are you okay? That looked like it hurt. When you got mad, I mean." He says softly.

I sigh without turning to him. "Honestly, Spike? Of all the shit I've been through I'm about as far away from okay as you could possibly be…"

He doesn't respond initially but I hear him walk a few steps away and sit down. "Aw c'mon, Charlie! This isn't that bad. Well the shocks are bad, and the angry mob isn't good either, and there may be a chance rainbow might beat the tar out of you still…" He pauses. "Uh what was I saying?"

I pinch the bridge of my nose. "You were saying how much in common you have with a toilet, I believe." I Impatiently snap. I turn to him seeing his inquisitive emerald eyes. He's wearing little earmuffs and a scarf I notice. "Just get away from me."

He looked hurt but I didn't care. I turn back forward staring at the same spot of nothingness. Spike was still there as I could hear him breathing but at least he was quiet. Pretty soon the room shared his silence except for the occasional hoof steps of the guards.

I hear a group move closer, but I pretend I didn't hear them transfixed by nothing. "He's not in a good mood…" Spike warns. An understatement of the fuckin' millennia.

"When is he in a good mood." The posh one quips.

"Now isn't the time to throw insults, friends." Celestia coos at them before turning to me. "Charlie, if you have any questions now would be the time to ask?"

I don't say anything for a second before finally sighing. "You can give me back my journal now. That was a good one, Celestia. The Perry thing I mean." I look over at her and she's studying me intently. "Didn't see it coming. Not gonna lie it's been long time since I was conned like that. Congratulations, your a scumbag like me…" My voice sounds pretty defeated. "Wonder how long it took you to translate it… must have been a whole fuckin' process to get that shindig to fall into place."

She frowns. "I am sorry but I had to convince the town that it's safe to keep you here. What better way than to show off the mark at it's full potential." She calls upon her magic and the leather bound journal, encapsulating all my thoughts before and after arriving, appears in front of her. She nudges it toward me delicately so I could grab it without much effort. "If it's any consolation the town did seem pretty convinced." She remarks.

I give a tired laugh. "Yeah, I feel real fuckin' consolidated over here…" I snatch the journal and stare at it without opening it. "So… What now?"

"Now begins a long and hearty journey to find the foundation of friendship you can build from. And hopefully erect a structure that others may reside in!" God, I could tell Celestia smiles at me without looking at her. Don't ask me how, I just know. She continues. "There's no need to be afraid to have to take on a task as colossal as this alone, Charlie, Twilight and her friends will accompany you every step of the way!" It sounds like she's fuckin' with me but I know she's being sincere. I don't know whats worse. "Isn't that right, mares?"

"Of course, Princess! You can count on us!" Twilight pipes up first. The others kinda meander looking around before nodding begrudgingly.

"So what do you say, Charlie?" The monarch asks. I look over at her and see two merciful, caring magenta pools of color stare into me. "Are you ready to begin? Or need I remind you that the alternative is banishment?"

I stare at her for quite some time without saying anything. Having the feeling of your entire world flipping upside down isn't a pleasant thing but it happening twice is something I didn't account on. And let me tell ya, I don't believe in coincidence. Whoever runs the cosmos seems think I've done something to deserve this fate and he's been having a good ol' time making sure I pay. The Ponies, my (supposed!) rampage, being looked after like a toddler… What a fuckin' joke. The whole thing. I'd laugh if I could, but I'd probably end up crying. I can't fuckin' do this…

Your dead A new thought emerges that doesn't sound like my own.

A flurry of thoughts regarding my last 3 weeks on earth smack me. The Kutz job. Of Dylan, Brad and Pee-wee. Bill's betrayal.

Wally…

I want- No. I need to get home. I'll do whatever it takes. Even if I have to tear a hole in the fabric of the universe to get there. I'll fuckin' get there. My hand starts punishing me as the thought hits me. The group looks confused as to the reason of my corporal lightning. But maybe, just maybe I won't have to claw my way there at all. If I play along, pay my dues, play my cards right, and just wait… These fuckin' ponies will do it for me.

I look up at Celestia who is still waiting for a response. I sigh. "Okay, I'll play along…" I narrow my eyes. "…for now."

Celestia looks ecstatic. "Excellent! We can begin immediately! Twilight has already been informed of your new schedule and will, as I'm you already know, will make sure you stick with it." I already regret this. Twilight is a neat freak as it is but now, she's gonna be in charge of my life. "Throughout the weeks to come you will accompany each one of the Mane Six and learn from them the six elements of harmony!" She looks at the five before me now and lists each one seemingly correlating with one of them.

"Honesty!" Applejack, the hick, dips her stetson down as if to say 'present'.

"Kindness!" The shy one, Fluttershy, eeps at hearing her element and hides behind Applejack like the coward she is.

"Laughter!" Pinkie Pie, lets just leave it at that, strikes a proud pose and pulls a cupcake outta thing air and hands it to me. Thank you..?

"Generosity!" The Posh shithead, Rarity, flips her hair and smirks hearing her role be called.

"Magic!" Twilight, being the one I know the most, uses her magic to lift Spike in the air and twirls him around like a ballerina much to his displeasure.

"and… Loyalty." Celestia pauses frowning staring up where the rainbow-colored rat with wings flew away in a rush. She looks back down at me. "With these six commandments you will master harmony within and throughout." She turns to the Captain. "Let us return to Canterlot, Shining Armor, we still have a country to run after all."

He looks at Twilight then at me before stammering out a sentence. "B-but the prisoner! We must escort him to-"

"Charlie is no longer a prisoner of Equestria, Captain. The Elements of Harmony will be their sole caretakers through this process. Not to mention Flash Sentry will be overlooking the new garrison stationed in Ponyville. I understand your hesitation but there is nothing to fear I assure you." The Princess almost scolds interrupting him. "Now, I'll ask again. Shall we return home?"

The captain looks very conflicted but eventually sighs. "Yes, Your Highness… We shall depart immediately." He looks over at me one more time scowls and sets off, no doubt to gather the men and to get the chariot ready.

Celestia, still looking oh so pleased with herself, turns back to me. "Even though the Elements will overlook your sentence, I will pop in from time to time to see how things are progressing. I look forward to our futures, Charlie!" She practically starts buzzing in excitement when she nuzzles all the ponies part of this 'Element of Harmony' nonsense before turning say a final goodbye. Departing from the town hall and fuckin' hopefully the town itself.

Good. I've had enough of her fuckin' self-righteousness to last a goddamn lifetime.

Luna halts a moment before following her sister and stares at me with a look I can't decipher. "Tis only up to us if 't thee seize it, sire Charlie…" She cryptically repeats from her spiel from earlier and follows suit with her other half leaving me alone with Twilight's special needs class.

"Ah can't believe we're doin' this…" Applejack cuts in once we're alone.

"I must agree, Twilight darling. Why must we be punished for his wrongdoing." Rarity states in a cunty fashion.

Fluttershy is still shaking but pokes her head up a little. "L-lets not forget R-Rainbow. She's n-not going t-to want to d-do this…"

"Think of it as your good deed for the day." She states dryly. Twilight sighs and uses her magic to unlock the chains holding me allowing me to finally fuckin' stand and stretch though I feel lightheaded doing so. "And as for Rainbow… we'll have to talk to her but as of right now she can be fit in at the end of the week. Anyways this is such an important task the prin- Hey! Where are you going?!" I turn to leave without saying a word catching Twilight's attention.

"Fuckin' Home. I'm tired and we never got a chance to eat." is all I grunt in return as I continue my hell march back to the Library by myself. Or it would have been if Spike didn't run to catch up with me.

"Hey, wait up! Home sounds terrific! It's so cold in here." He remarks. The hell is up with him anyways. He's been real clingy for some fuckin' reason. It's actually getting really aggravating. I don't say anything even as Twilight tries to protest staying with her friends and quickly leave the hall. Christ, that was worse than I even imagined.

The walk back was pretty uneventful, however, walking through the destroyed part of town put me in an uneasy mood. Between being reminded of a blatant memory gap and the scowling some ponies gave me. I couldn't care less but a quick glance at the devastation really leaves a funny feeling inside me. One I can't really place, and I don't fuckin' like it. I quickly silence it.

"Who gives a fuck…" I say to no one in particular. Being the last thing I said for the day I reached the library, unenthusiastically ate some cold pancakes, and entered my room, slamming the door in Spikes face locking it.

The dream world takes me the moment I lay down.

To say I wasn't ready for what was in store tomorrow was an understatement.