25. Wolf

I landed in the street outside the old headquarters two hours later. I could hear a car alarm going off somewhere, the air crowded with the distant city sounds despite the time of night and the dismal season. The journey had been smooth, but I was chilled to the bone from the wind, and shook violently as I looked around for any muggles in the darkness, and approached the dark house.

There was no sign of life in the windows, and I knew I would have to be quick when I entered. I didn't hesitate as I climbed up the steps; if Remus was inside and awake, he had probably already sensed my presence.

I drew my wand, unlocked the door, and shut it swiftly behind me. "Homenum revelio!" I called.

Nothing happened. The house was utterly still, and I didn't get the sense that anyone had recently left in a hurry. I was alone.

Trembling with denial, I held tight to my wand and walked down the corridor to the parlour. I started a fire to keep myself from freezing. I looked out into the back garden, where the winter flowers Remus had restored were still in full bloom. I felt my stomach cramp with grief, remembering our brief time here, when we had first begun to trust one another.

That was going to take forever to rebuild. If he ever did come back.

I wandered into the kitchen and opened the door to the cellar, releasing a cold, dank exhale. I lit my wand and went with a bit of fear down the first few steps. But the cellar was empty except for a few tiny spiders in their web.

With the cellar door firmly bolted, I sat down at the kitchen table, setting my wand down, and cried. I had been foolish. Whatever dream had made me so sure that Remus would be here, it had led me wrongly. It was only a moment of wishful thinking, misguided certainty, placed in a desperate mind in the middle of the night.

My exhaustion from the past days finally caught up to me. My tears came from a place of deep resignation; that I would not find Remus unless he decided to come back to me. Being so out of control was a feeling I hated, but I had to live with it now.

I looked slowly around the room, soaking up all of the old memories that lived here. Making meals with Remus, first of all, and then the memories of being here with the Weasleys during Christmas of my sixth year. In a moment of deep sadness I conjured my patronus, which perched sadly on the chair across from me, where Fred had once sat.

"I love you," I said, filling it with my voice, not bothering to hold back the sound of my tears. "I'm so sorry. You didn't do anything wrong. Please just let me know that you're okay." Then I thought hard of Remus, the image of his face drawing a choked sob out of me. With an encouraging croak, my raven flapped its wings twice and disappeared.

I understood if he was afraid, if he couldn't face me. What I couldn't stand was the fear that he had come to harm, or would, when the next full moon arrived.

But my exhaustion was too powerful for my anxiety to overcome, for soon after my patronus was gone, I had nodded off to sleep right there at the table.

I woke up again three hours later, my neck aching. My head felt groggy, and my mouth was a desert. I hadn't had any water after the long flight from the Burrow.

I found a glass in one of the cupboards and filled it with water from my wand. I held it in both hands and sipped at it as I moved out of the kitchen and upstairs, the low light from the fire casting my large shadow on the wall. I was drawn for whatever reason into Sirius's room, where I stood looking at the bed for a few minutes. Then I wandered into the bathroom. Then into the room where I'd stayed. Finally there was the room where Remus had slept, where I'd first lost myself in his arms.

I sank down onto the edge of the bed, my tired mind recalling everything that had happened. Everywhere he had touched me. How wonderful he'd been. I remembered it as though from outside of myself, though. I felt completely numb and empty.

Soon those thoughts morphed into memories of the forbidden forest, on the night of the final battle. I hadn't thought about it in some time, but now, so suddenly being without Remus made me feel unprotected, and the dark memories came flooding back in to master me. I remembered all of the pain, the humiliation, the cold blood. I stared at the wall, tears of hopelessness rolling down my cheeks.

I was broken out of my unpleasant trance by the sound of footsteps downstairs.

My heart started thundering violently in my chest, fueled by the violent memories I'd just been reliving.

Someone was here.

I stood up and walked silently to the door, pressing my palm against my chest. I clenched my teeth in frustration. I had been idiotic enough to leave my wand on the kitchen table downstairs.

The footsteps went quiet. Whoever was here, they didn't seem to want to make themselves known. Suddenly it occurred to me that perhaps the intruder was not a threat. What if it were Remus?

There was nothing else for it. My heartbeat high and frantic, doing all I could to keep my breathing silent, I began to walk down the stairs.

I went very slowly down the corridor, the light from the flames of the fireplace flickering across the wall and the floor. My whole body was pounding with my fearful heartbeat, and my ears were pricked for any sound. I reached the end of the corridor at last, and was forced to peek out into the sitting room.

Standing there in his black robes was Severus.

My heart seized from relief that it wasn't someone dangerous, combined with a small sad sinking that my silly fantasy of it being Remus had turned out to be false. But another feeling of panic roiled in my belly at the sight of Severus. His eyes were boring into me, much as they had done on that night by the fountain in the courtyard, but more firmly now. I stepped back, my body trembling against the wallpaper from all of the adrenaline. The silence was deafening.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

Something flashed behind his eyes. It wasn't a trick of the fire. "I needed to see you."

For a long moment we stood there silently, my skin prickling with awareness. The air between us was like lead. I was suddenly not so sure that Severus posed no threat. My anxious mind, still under the influence of the traumatic memories upstairs, expected him to lunge at any moment. My logical side knew he was only trying to keep me safe. But I didn't want to go back to Hogwarts–where I knew he wanted to take me. I didn't want to have to tell Poppy about the baby.

I backed slowly towards the kitchen door, wanting to get my wand, wanting to apparate. Severus watched me closely, his body full of power and readiness. I turned at the last moment and ran for it, but he caught my wrist from behind just as my fingers closed around the familiarity of my wand. It was too late to stop–I was already being sucked away, and I felt the pull of his weight as he was dragged along with me.

The meadow lay between a lake and dark pine woods. On the other side of the dark blue water a tall hill rose up, pale and rippling in the wind and the faint moonlight. A thin rain fell from the dark sky.

Thunder rolled nearby, a soft and menacing sound. Severus released my wrist, and I stumbled back, standing my ground some distance from him. Both our bodies heaved with breath.

"Why are you following me?" I shouted, as the thunder cracked. "Just leave me alone!"

Rain ran down the stone of his face. "We couldn't be sure of your safety."

"I sent McGonagall my patronus. I'm fine. I want to be left alone."

"I'm afraid I can't do that."

Another crash of thunder echoed and rolled across the sky, and the rain grew harder.

"Why not?" I shouted.

He seemed about to say something very difficult and important. But just then his eyes flickered to something behind me. I turned. At the edge of the woods, silent and dark-eyed, stood the same grey wolf. Looking at us. My ears rang with shock as I stared back. My entire body buzzed with adrenaline–coursing so quickly through my veins that I couldn't move.

Severus's arms formed a sudden snare around me. I jumped, not having felt him approach. But the contact of his arms made me surge into overdue motion. I strained forward, towards the wolf, which now turned and disappeared into the wall of the woods. Severus's grip tightened, holding me back. "It could be a trap," he said.

I remembered the wolf I had seen in Hunston, and now an iron-cold sense of certainty filled me. The wolf was Remus. Or if it wasn't him, it would lead me to where he was.

Days upon days of desperation surged up in my throat, and roared from my mouth. "LET ME GO."

It was probably the shock at the rage in my voice, combined with the writhing of my body, that made Severus's arms loosen enough for me to escape. Wasting not a second, I sprinted through the falling rain into the woods.

It was very dark. The sounds of the woods were magnified by the rain, and clustered around my ears like ancient whispers. I did not know what woods this was, but it was dense and tangled with old magic. I wove around trees as fast as I could, arms flailing. "REMUS!" I shouted.

I could hear the wolf's footsteps faintly under the sound of the rain and the thunder, but I was not fast enough. My body was so exhausted, and I hadn't been taking care of myself in the past days. I felt myself falling behind and I couldn't see the wolf's light grey tail through the hundreds of tall tree trunks.

"REMUS," I cried, my voice shattering, in denial of defeat.

Louder behind me now was the sound of Severus's running footsteps gaining on me. "No!" I shouted, my legs given one final burst of energy. "Go away!"

In the next moment I felt myself trip, as my ankles were bound by a wordless spell from his wand.

I screamed as my body tumbled to the ground. My arms weren't quick enough to catch my fall, as they had been back in Hunston, and I felt one of my hip bones bruise painfully as it met the forest floor. A wave of primordial fear rushed through me, but I didn't know why.

Severus was standing over me, then, and he bent down to hold my arm tightly. He unbound me silently, a furious look in his face as he pulled me up from the ground. I was filled with shame and anger at the fact of my body's helplessness. He was stronger, and it was unfair. Everything now felt unfair.

I realised, with a deep moan of grief, that my wand lay split in two on the ground.

He allowed me to kneel down and pick up the pieces. I held them in my hands, heavy and dead.

The words came out without forethought. "I hate you," I sobbed.

A deep dark pain swelled in his eyes, but the drawbridge quickly rose again and I could see nothing but dark cold apathy in his face.

I was limp as he held me up again, and without another word between us, apparated.

We landed outside of a dark grey town, nearly black under the pouring rain. We stood in the middle of a bridge above a cold, slow-moving river, with an icy willow on the other side. The shadowy wooden bushes that lined the riverbanks seemed dead. The sky with its bruised clouds stretched grimly overhead as the dawn light began to streak across it.

"Follow me," Severus ordered, and strode across the bridge towards the town.

I had no choice but to follow now. With no wand I couldn't protect myself if I went off on my own. And I had no idea where we were.

The place seemed familiar enough to Severus, though. We didn't encounter another soul as we walked through the dark narrow cobbled streets of the town. It seemed a depressing place, especially in the sooty rain. As I followed after him I felt guilty about what I'd said in the woods. That I hated him. My words had been harsh, and though they'd been true in the moment, I regretted saying them now.

He stopped at last in front of a door in the dark alleyway between two black stone houses.

He unlocked the door with a wave of his hand, and led me forward into a small entryway.

I followed him through the house, and each room Severus passed turned on its lamps. The rain came down grey and dismal outside the windows, but inside it was surprisingly warm. I took the stairs slowly, and we finally arrived in a room with many bookshelves and a fireplace, which hissed to life.

I thought the place was almost pleasant, compared to the cold hell outside. But Severus's body took on a haunted posture at his surroundings. What was this place to him?

He still had not acknowledged me when he stood before the glowing fire and conjured his patronus. For such a delicate charm, which required such openness of heart, I was unnerved by the stubborn lack of emotion in his face. I couldn't blame him, though. I felt another pinch of guilt for what I'd said.

The fragile-looking doe I'd seen at the ruin outside Eddleston pranced around the room before settling before Severus, awaiting his message. By the tone his voice took I knew he was sending it to McGonagall. "I have her. We encountered something suspicious in the woods, and will return to the school once I am certain we won't be followed."

Then the doe shimmered and disappeared.

His stubbornness made my blood boil. "It wasn't suspicious," I asserted. "It was him."

Severus wheeled around, looking just as he always had when he'd been my professor. Arrogant, demanding, unforgiving. His face was tense and full of hatred.

"It certainly was not. It could have been another one of those creatures, or something like them."

"Did you see something then? Other than a wolf?"

"No," he said bitterly.

"Then you're wrong."

He sneered. "Why would your husband willingly turn into what he hates most? He was never an animagus."

"I saw the same wolf near Andromeda's house, and it's shown up every night since, in my dreams."

Severus's face flinched with spite. "Dreams of that sort commonly plague a desperate mind," he said. I sensed that he was making his words bite on purpose.

I thought back to what I'd said in the woods. I didn't feel so guilty now.

I wanted to go for the door again, but I knew he wouldn't let me pass. I felt from the exhausted weight of my whole body that if I tried to do anything without my wand it would end in disaster. I had always struggled with wandless magic, and could only summon enough power when I was at my best. Just now, I was at my worst.

My throat grew tight with tears, but I held them back, unwilling to cry. "You can't just keep me here like an irresponsible child."

"Alas," said Severus, his voice cutting deep as ever. "That is what you have proven yourself to be."

My mouth fell open in disbelief, and I couldn't find a rebuttal anywhere in my mind. Irresponsible child. Impudent girl. I just shook my head, nostrils flaring, my mouth tightening as though full of something sour. How could someone so sensitive be so brutal?

He turned his back on me, sitting in the chair by the fire. "There's a bed in the next room," he said coldly. "Sleep. We will be here for some time."

I glared at the back of his head but he didn't turn around. Fuming, I went out and found the bedroom.

It was very small, with only a single bed and a lamp. Its one window looked across at the wall of the next house. There was no thunder here, only the depressing, endless sound of the rain sluicing across the roofs, through the streets. Without my wand I couldn't even dry myself off. I did my best with one of the spare blankets that sat folded on the foot of the bed. Then, my hair still damp and cold, and my clothes soaked beyond hope, I sank heavily onto the bed.

All of the sadness and grief of the past days welled up in me again, more overwhelming than ever. My wand was truly useless now. I cradled the broken pieces in my hands, regretting that I had ever given up faith in it those months ago. I remembered how Remus had spent hours trying to fix it, how I'd lost my temper. His mother's ring shone dimly around my diminished finger.

I deeply wished to believe that the world had been Remus, or would have led me to him. But Severus was probably right. Was I only being delusional, or was the wolf really a trap? I cried silently against the pillowcase, the firelight from the other room flickering under the door. Then my eyelids grew heavy, and I was dragged under into a thick, dark sleep.

NOTE

Forewarning that what follows may be distressing to some readers. Please mind the content warning at the head of the next chapter.