Chapter 7: Wabbit Season!
"The hurrier I go,
the behinder I get!"
White Rabbit, Alice in Wonderland
"Your being melodramatic…" Flash admonishes as we walk further outside of town. "If I wanted to kill you, I'd have done it back in town where everypony and their granny could see. Why would I want to hide actions that would get me paraded through the streets like a messiah…" He sarcastically quips and smirks. He's getting good at this. "But thanks for the tip! If you really annoy me, I'll know what to do."
I roll my eyes. "Oh puh-lease! Like the Princesses wouldn't vaporize you the second something happened to their precious Charlie."
"I guess you're right about that I suppose…" He side eyes me but the smirk remains. "You know, I heard that you remind them of their childhood stuffed monkey, Dingleberry, and that's why they like you so much," Oh you cheeky bastard. "of course, I'm sure the stuffed animal smells a lot better despite the name."
I do the 'point to my eyes then his' thing. "I've got my eye on you… There's no other reason why we'd be out here in the middle of fuckin' nowhere."
He shakes his head in frustration. "I told you already! Miss Fluttershy lives outside of town along the edge of the Everfree forest. It is isolated and requires some walking. Now shut it and keep moving."
My eyebrows shoot up in a mock realization. "Is that the story your gonna tell Celestia after you throw my dead body in a ditch? Sorry to let you know but she's a living lie detector and she'll know."
He groans tiredly. "I'm quite aware, unfortunately…"
I pull at my beard and start giggling. "I can hear you now… 'DUH da Charlie thingy got hurted by big meanie bear! I pissed myself and did nothing because me retarded'…" I mock him in a voice that would make Lennie proud. He ignores me. "I would say if you went through with it and that was your story, you'd have a pretty good chance of getting away with it too. Especially if you use that last part. Pretty convincing if you ask me."
"Do you ever shut up?" He stops and sighs in relief at something that catches his attention. "Oh, thank Celestia, we're finally here…"
I stop next to him and follow his eyesight to the home of Fluttershy nestled in solitude among the trees. The small trail we were following continues over a small concrete bridge right up to the house itself. It was a decent sized cottage made of wood and thatch roofing however the thatch itself appeared to be alive as the parts that weren't covered in snow had a healthy green grass color. It looked like something right out of Tolkien's Shire from lord of the rings if I'm being honest. Christ I'm looking at the shire… Fuck my life. The cottage appeared to be built overlooking a small hill with a traveling stream cutting right through the property like a knife. All along the trail seemed to be never ending bird houses and feeders of all varying types, colors, and sizes adorning the small property each snow covered and has icicles hanging down slowly dripping.
"Come on! I don't have all day…" Flash barks and continues over the bridge and up to the front door.
The peach-colored entrance was one of those split doors… What the fuck are they called? Dutch door? Yeah, that sounds right. Flash bangs on the Dutch door with his hoof and we stand there for a minute.
Nothing.
"Huh! Looks like no one's home!" I turn on my heel. "Looks like we can walk b- uuugh," something grabs my quilt that was wrapped around my neck causing me to choke a minute. I turn around seeing Flash holding the blanket in his maw scowling. I rudely swipe it away and scowl back harder.
"We are not leaving until you've done your duty with Miss Fluttershy!" He shouts angrily. God that sure didn't sound like a euphemism at all…
I strain my hands like I want to strangle him. "And guess what?! She ain't home! So, we can just turn around and forge-"
The door slowly clicks open, interrupting our dispute, and a cream furred pony with blossom colored hair pokes her head out confused, "Hello? Whose ou-" She sees me and her eyes go wide with fear. "EEP!" The door slams shut and I hear a distinct locking sound.
Me and Flash look at each other and back at the door.
Flash sighs. "That could have gone better…"
I fake huff. "Well, it seems like I did my duty for the day!" I stretch and yawn. "Man, what a looooooong day of completing my 'duties' I think it'll take me all week to recover!"
Flash looks at me annoyed but then smirks and turns to leave. When I try to follow, he presses a hoof on my chest to stop me. "Where do you think you're going?"
I look back at the shut door and back at him really confused. "Uhh I don't know if you noticed but the hermit doesn't want the company."
He smiles and his eyes narrow. "That's not my problem. My job is to make sure you get to these mares in one piece…" He eyes me up and down halfheartedly. "…and as far as I'm concerned, you're in one piece alright, so my part is finished. This is your problem now."
"You can't be fuckin' serious? You're not gonna leave me out here," His smile widens. "Oh my God, you're gonna leave me out here!"
"Remember, you leave before I show up to get you? Dungeon… See ya later, Charlie!" He starts down the path but stops at the bridge. "Oh, by the way, I hope you dressed warm today I heard we're supposed to get a lot of snow! Ha!"
The shit actually left me here… Unbelievable. A chilly breeze makes me conscious about the cold and I shiver wrapping the quilt around me. As I stand around like an idiot.
Fuck this.
I go back to the door and bang on it. "Hey! Let me in! It's your Goddamn day dammit!"
No response.
Ugh. I turn around looking down the path and see Flash is no longer visible. The shit practically sprinted away from here. Fucker probably did it on purpose too. I look to my left and see an old log covered in snow, but it looked like it'd be a good seat otherwise, so I walk over, brush the carpet of snow off, and sit my ass down for what looks like a long fuckin' day.
I don't know how long I was out there maybe a couple of hours but then the absolute worst happened. The aforementioned snow, that I thought Flash was blowing out his ass, actually began to fall. Large thick snowflakes started to fall in clusters and as time went on more and more flakes started falling covering me slightly in snow. I wrapped the blanket tighter and started cursing to anything and anyone who was listening.
Fuckin' ponies… Fuckin' cold. I don't think I've ever been so cold in my fuckin' life…
That's a lie…
What about all those years ago…
Outside the house…
Waiting…
I frown and stop shivering as the voice screams it's way in my gourd. Fuck you brain. I don't need that shit right now, especially right now. I've made my fair share of mistakes but that wasn't one of em. If I was given an option to go back, I'd make sure I was more thorough.
Waiting for the inevitable…
"Fuck you…" I stand and start pacing as I try to outrun the thoughts, but they keep coming.
You had a chance to fix it…
But you were a coward…
"Stop!" I hold my head.
You just couldn't accept it…
So, you rebelled thinking you were setting things right…
"Shut the fuck up!" I plead to my own thoughts.
But instead, you dragged everyone down with you in the end…
The fellas…
WALLY…
Even Bill…
I stand still and feel my who body start to droop. "Please…"
All because you couldn't walk away…
I feel the fire inside me start to burn out and I sit back upon the log as the I know the voice that is my own is right about everything. I remove the old cap letting my hair poofs up in the open elements and stare at the embroidered emblem on the front. Bringing back an old memory which I didn't deserve. I set it to the side and stare off at nothing putting the pieces of my brain back together.
As I sat there and sulked, uncaring if the cold was affecting me or not, some movement to my left does catch my attention. I didn't notice it before but the dutch door had one more segment that could open independently. A small arch shaped cutout that looked like a mouse hole, no bigger than my boot, at the bottom swung open and a white rabbit sprint out looking around sporadically before his gaze meets mine. It silently jumped gasping as it sprinted over to me, sliding to a stop at my feet and starts jumping up and down making hand signals toward the house like I was an old farm wife named Muriel.
I lift an eyebrow. "Listen I don't have time to play charades nor do I fuckin' want to. Get the fuck away from me." I basically flick it like a dust ball and it shoots back a little making a crater in the snow.
The rabbit vehemently shakes its head, knocking snow off him, and scowls at me but again sprints over. This time it tries tugging on my quilt and pulling backwards in an effort to move me. It fails terribly. As I went to knock him over again, he bounds up on my lap grabbing both sides of my face and turning towards the door before pointing at it.
I shake my head to loosen his grip and look at him funny. "Listen! I don't have any carrots so fuck off back into the house where you belong!" I pick him up by the scruff of his neck and weakly toss him to the side.
Again he sprints up pulling on his ears and thumps the ground in frustration like I wasn't getting what he was dishing. He looks over at my hat and I practically see the exclamation point appear over his head as an idea seemed to dawn on him. Before I could even think 'what the fuck' the shit grabs my hat with its mouth and sprints towards the door.
"H-HEY! GIVE ME THAT BACK!" I lunge at him as he ran by but I miss him and land in the snow. I look up and see him waiting by his tiny mouse hole looking at me with that damn hat on his head. I start up after him. "COME BACK HERE, ASSHOLE!"
The shit seeing me coming runs into the house leaving me at the cold. I jiggle the door handle, but it wouldn't open. Unbelievable! I crouch down staring into the small opening and I see the rabbit standing in the middle of the room look back, dangle the hat like it was teasing me, and bounds off into an area off to the side.
"FUCK!" I scream enraged, my hand blowing up all the while.
Peaking my head in fully, I look up at the locking mechanism holding the door shut and it's a simple wedge that's using the wall next to it as an anchor to hold the door shut. All it would take to move it would be some slight pressure, but my arm doesn't reach as I try grasping it. Pulling my head out and looking around, I spot a long tree branch laying by a snow-covered tree that looked perfect to poke the fuckin' thing open. I sprint over grabbing it giving it a test poke to make sure the damn thing wouldn't break on me but it holds true.
Fucking Eureka!
Soon enough I'm back at the opening and stick Excalibur through and start putting pressure on the lock. It took a couple of tries but eventually I get the damn thing to slide over! Standing I turn the doorknob, lo and behold the fuckin' thing opens. And I enter quickly shutting the door behind me.
Now I've never been inside of Fluttershy's house but all I could think when I first gazed upon its interior was that it was delectably cozy. I thought I was making a joke about the Shire thing earlier but if two Hobbits came out of the closet and greeted me, I don't think I would've blinked. To the right was a medieval looking cobblestone fireplace lit and ablaze with warm flaming logs heating the cabin. In front of me was a living room of sorts with couches, tables, lamps, the whole nine yards all fitting a cabin in the woods feel to it. Next to this sitting area was a pretty simple wood staircase going no doubt to where the bedroom is.
It all and all would've been a simple looking cabin but of course it being pony world there had to be something strange to make it not normal. There were animals EVERYWHERE! A raccoon was sitting on the green couch reading a newspaper, birds of varying species flew across the room back and forth between the many birdhouses and cages, all along the perimeter of the ceiling were small bridges and tracks with holes in the walls which little mice scamper about on them looking down on me.
This mare is a fuckin' animal hoarder holy shit.
I see the Rabbit bound by the threshold to another room peaking at me before bouncing back in again. The little shit was wearing my cap still. Fucker! I sprint in and stare at what I believe is a kitchen. No not believe, know. There's a fridge, sink, cupboards, and of course a dinner table all fitting the theme of this weird fuckin' Snow White hut.
I look to my left but instead of my eyes narrowing they actually widen in surprise at what I see. A gigantic wooden cabinet was on its face flat on the ground with many things broken and scattered around it as if it fell over. A few different species of animals surround it also looking worried some even tugging on it trying to lift it. One of those shits was the hat wearing rabbit pulling at it trying to lift it but it doesn't budge. Before I could yell at the soon-to-be-dead cotton ball he sees me and scampers over holding the hat up at me with pleading eyes. Fuckin' weird. When I grab it he doesn't let go and starts trying to pull me towards the accident but eventually tumbles backward and scampers back to the fallen piece of furniture hopping on top of it and starts thumping on it.
Huh… That's fuckin' weird why would Fluttershy's pet bunny want me to-
A realization hits me and I look around. The mare was nowhere to be seen.
"Fluttershy?! You home?! Where you at?!" I shout. But no one responds until…
ThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThumpThump
I stare back at the rabbit, and he starts furiously thumping his foot as hard as he can on the back face of this cabinet as if he was giving me an answer.
No… It can't be.
Oh fuck…
I sprint over and start trying to lift the fuckin' thing but its stupid heavy. The bunny jumps to the side bounding up and down like he was celebrating that he finally got through to me. I somehow manage to lift a little and I use my foot to keep it off the ground a few inches so I can get better leverage. Once my grip feels better I, with great effort, lift the mighty mahogany framed cabinet up onto my chest and finally swing my body upwards and the thing hinges back slamming the wall where it was originally supposed to be and look down.
Oh fuck, dude…
Fluttershy was out cold on the floor and had some cuts and what looked like bruises, but I could at least tell she was breathing. All around her was broken pieces of glass from her china and some big bags of birdseed were piled on top of her pinning her to the ground. The Rabbit scampers over and starts tugging on said bag pretty pathetically trying to free its master. I rush over following the mammals' steps and remove the bags holding her down and step back as some animal's huddle around her. Now that she didn't have anything that was an immediate danger the rabbit runs up and starts shaking her furiously attempting to wake her up.
The pink haired pegasus eventually stirs and her eyes open slowly and groans. "Angel...?" She looks at the rabbit who breathes a silent sigh of relief. "W-what happened?"
The rabbit hugs her and points at the cabinet.
"Wha…" she looked at the piece of furniture confused but then gasps. "O-oh! I remember! I was putting bird seed on the top shelf, and it fell over from the weight!" She looks at the rabbit and scrunches her nose softly. "How did you get that off me, Angel?"
"Because he didn't." I state flatly. She tenses upon hearing my voice and she looks at me fearfully. "I got it off you, retard, but…" I look at my hat before placing it back on my head where it belonged and stared back. "If it wasn't for your little furry shitbird of a friend I don't know if anyone would've made it in time."
She looks between me and the cupboard before finally trying to stand but collapses and winces in pain. She stares at her hoof which was swollen a little and she winces some more when she tries moving it. The bunny hops over to me and points at Fluttershy with narrowed eyes. What the fuck? What does that mean?
Oh… I guess I know what he wants. Am I really gonna do this?
Fluttershy looks back at me with such sad, pathetic eyes that I almost melt as she gazes into my dead ones.
…God dammit.
I sigh and walk over and lift her up making the bunny smile and jump in excitement. An eep is all she chokes out and freezes as I walk out of the kitchen and into the living room towards the couch. That fuckin' raccoon reading the paper's eyes bulge out of his head upon seeing us and quickly jumps away as I place her where it was sitting. She looked like she was gonna faint but didn't say anything probably out of fear as I backed up not really sure what to do next.
"Next time you put heavy shit on top of something make sure it's stable, dumbass." She stared up at me and started trembling a little. I sigh… "Right… I'll uh, I'll be outside in the cold if you need me I guess. I wouldn't stand up your hoof, it looks sprained but what the fuck do I know." She starts shaking some more.
That's what I get for helping someone I suppose…
I turn and walk towards the door, but the rabbit again bounds its way in front of me stopping me. He looks up at me smiles a little and tilts his head to the side to look past my leg back at Fluttershy like he was making sure she was watching. Then without any warning, Angel then bounds up onto my chest and making me catch him in my arms and he snuggles into my quilt. Da fuck?
I don't really know what to make of the display but I know I can't hold him forever so I turn back around and walk towards Fluttershy who's mouth is currently open catching flies, watching the rabbits' actions. I somewhat gently plop him down next to the mare and walk back to the door.
"W-wait!" I hear the mare sputter making me turn as I touch the doorknob. "I-I'm sorry that was really rude of me. Thank you for saving me…" She turns to Angel and gives him an affectionate muzzle which honestly, he looked embarrassed at and looks back at me with a small grateful smile. "It's been a while since I had any visitors, especially this time of year. Come sit down, I'm sure you know doubt would like to warm up from standing out there all morning…"
I'm so confused… First she's terrified of me to the point she was pissing herself and now I'm her best fuckin' guest? I stare out a window and see the snow coming down like it was going out of style really making it harder to justify ignoring her invitation, so I reluctantly sigh walking back over and stand by the lazy boy unsure if the scaredy cat was actually serious. She gives me a small smile telling me that she was.
Whatever…
I sit down sinking into the cushion rather comfortably as the warm cabin scares away the chills. The animals all seemed to be watching me unsure about my presence but eventually goes back to what I assume is normal. The birds fly around and chirp, squirrels and chipmunks jump around like the house was their personal jungle gym, ferrets wrestle playfully on the floor, and other bunnies, that wasn't Angel, bound about like they owned the place. That Racoon looks at the seat and huffs before walking upstairs disappointingly but not until he grabbed the newspaper it was invested in no doubt to finish his morning read. I'm also pleasantly surprised the place doesn't smell like a zoo considering it is one at this point with how many critters were running around. It was like a furry metropolis.
Well, I live in a furry metropolis already, but you know what I mean. Fuck you.
As I finish gazing at the animals and their shenanigans, I feel something hop into my lap and look down to see Angel. He looks up at me with a grateful smile before rolling over on his back and squirming in my quilt to get comfortable. Again, he kept looking at Fluttershy to make sure she was seeing what he was doing. Speaking of the timid mare she was staring at Angel like she watched Jesus rising on the third day with that dumbfounded expression she donned. She kept looking back and forth between me and the rabbit like she couldn't believe what she was seeing.
I lift and eyebrow. "You know, if people keep gawking at me, I'm gonna start charging by the minute…"
She shakes out of it and stares up at me. "S-sorry! I didn't mean to offend. It's just that Angel doesn't like anypony that isn't me so seeing him so affectionate with you is something quite out of the ordinary," She says in the softest voice I've ever heard. Fluttershy smiles and looks back at me. "You may be scary, and I saw w-what you did in t-town but if Angel trusts you then I guess I can too."
What? She's trusting me in her home because of a fuckin' rabbit? That's stupid…
I stare at angel who gives me a thumbs up and winks like it was all part of an act and bounds back over to Fluttershy looking at her hoof and whispers into her ear. Da fuck?
Fluttershy's eyes widen. "Oh, I don't know, Angel… Maybe it's best if we just wait. I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow." The rabbit angrily thumps and points at her hoof and back at me. "…Okay if you insist," She turns to me. "Angel and I were wondering if you could help finish today's chores for us since your here. I can't with my hoof the way it is and we'd really appreciate it. I-f you want…" She whispers.
I could barely hear her with all the animal sounds but I just guffaw. "Wait? You're telling me," I point at her incredulously. "You, miss scared of her own shadow who pisses herself when you even think about being in the same room as me, wants me to walk around your house unleashed touching your shit because I was okay-ed by your pet bunny?!"
She winces at my raised voice and her ears fall backwards. "I-I guess if you p-put it like that…" She trails off.
I rub my forehead. "You ponies make no goddamn sense."
I look down at Angel and he's silently snickering at my confusion and rubs his paws together like a super villian. My eyebrows knit together realizing what just happened. That fuckin' rabbit tricked her into trusting me so I could fuckin' do shit for her! I was fucking hoodwinked by a rabbit!
Huh… I respect the hustle, Bugs.
Looking around the room once more while I decide my next move as I honestly didn't expect to be let inside given the circumstance with Fluttershy. I doubt she'd kick me out if I said no but who knows what else that rabbit has in store if I decline. I'm certainly not in the fuckin' mood to play a game of wits with an animal and possibly lose. I'd feed myself to an alligator if I did.
I sigh looking at the animal lover. "So, let's say that I fuckin' feel like doin' this shit for you. What would it entail? Cause I'm not picking up bird shit if that's a part of it."
She perks a little with her ears sprouting upwards. "Oh Celestia no. My little friends are quite good with keeping it outside." She giggles but you could barely hear it. "It's mostly preparing food for lunch and dinner nothing too hard. There is of course the mess in the kitchen, but you don't have to worr-"
"Fuckin' stop… I'm here and if I'm gonna be trapezing through your kitchen all day I'd prefer if I wasn't stepping on debris. I'll fuckin' clean it up…" I say rolling my eyes. She looks at me strangely making me snap. "What?!"
"You're not," She scrunches her nose thinking, "what I was expecting."
I narrow my eyes. "Well, what the fuck were you expecting? A big monster coming to eat you while you touch yourself at night?"
She blushes hard. "n-no!" She shakes her head trying to rid herself of the mental image. "I-I just thought you'd b-be a lot meaner."
I scoff and jut a thumb at my own chest. "Da fuck are you talking about? I am mean!"
She shakes her head. "W-when you a-attacked us in town I t-thought that you'd do it again. I've seen you angry before but that isn't it." She cocks her head. "You've been nothing but nice since you got here though."
I cock an eyebrow. "I could go feed your rabbit to a bear if you're not convinced?" Angels eyebrows shoot up and he freezes.
Her nose crinkled. "Harry would never eat Angel!"
Fucking. Harry.
I feel a vein in my forehead and my eye twitch. "…I'll be in the kitchen." With that I stand and march my way there with little conscious of the scurrying animals in my way without another word.
I stand in the kitchen gazing at the clusterfuck of a mess and really consider if sitting outside would be the better option as I really don't feel like cleaning yet another ass disaster. Especially if this one wasn't actually caused by me this time. The whited-out view on the other side of a window adjacent to the accident quickly gives me an answer. I sigh as I see a broom leaning by a dutch oven knowing what the next few hours of my life is gonna be like. Grabbing the broom, I get to work as I sink into my own brain and think.
More specifically about Dr. Doolittle out in the other room.
Out of all these mares the one I've had the least amount of contact with would definitely be Fluttershy. The mare is an actual recluse, and every little thing makes her want to scream in terror as she fled to the hills. Especially around me let me tell you. But here's what I do know from the little I have been around her. She is basically the towns de-facto veterinarian for the most part. I know she helps Applejack all the fuckin' time with her farm animals as they too are prone to get sick like anyone else. My first meeting with her was actually on that very farm about two months prior as I was getting the town tour from Twilight, albeit with the begrudging permission from the cowmare as it was like a week after my explosive confrontation with her and feelings were still definitely hurt.
We were taking a gander at the property, more specifically the cattle grazing in the field, who by the way are insufferable to talk to. They can talk like you or me so you must be wondering what cows talk about all day. Fuckin' grass. I know, shocking. Anyways this where Rainbow, who was watching from above, had the devilish idea to absolutely destroy me in a way that still makes me shudder. Her famous rainbow tornado suddenly struck the ground all around us and sending cow pies flying around like fuckin' baseballs.
Turd baseballs… The horror…
While Rainbow found it extremely humorous of our disgusting plight one of the panicked cattle ran directly into a tree at full speed giving itself a concussion. Applejack cursed Rainbow up and down for like a sailor (or at least the pony equivalent) but she just laughed, more so at me than at her. Just before the farm mare could go tend its poor cows needs a bolt of yellow furred lightning struck the cow in caressive fury tending to its needs almost faster than you can say 'Rainshit Ass'.
She babied and cooed the disoriented creature completely even forgetting we were there or even acknowledging us until twilight greeted her. When she did notice us she basically ordered everyone to get some medical supplies giving them this stare that pretty much looked like a manic episode. After everyone scattered leaving me with the pegasus she asked if she could borrow my flannel as a head wrap which I quickly answered by blowing a raspberry. She was rather adamant I relinquish my shirt even resorting to threatening me with her scowl answering that there was some truth to the old adage;
If you stare into the ass long enough, the ass stares back at you.
She kinda recoiled as I was undeterred, even overpowering her scowl with my own, making her sink into the floor. To her credit, as now I know how much of a fuckin' coward she really is, she stood her ground taking care of the bovine but not without worrisome glances. After the rest arrived, she pulled Twilight to the side asking her what the fuck I was and that I was dangerous quivering while doing so. The magical student dismissed her completely saying I was relatively harmless making me scoff at the insult. From then on out she avoided me whenever she could. One day I accidentally cornered her in the Sugarcube Corner and she did everything except soil herself as I asked if she wanted a bite from my cupcake or not. And before you go thinking I was being nice I dropped it in a trash can full of I don't even know what like 10 minutes previously and was trying to get anyone to eat it.
I think spike did take it eventually, the little freak. He saw me drop it too…
Back in reality I cleaned most of the mess but the cabinet was absolutely fucked. I did the best I could but all the anchors for the shelves were beyond FUBAR making it a weird giant closet thing instead. I sighed as I put what dishes weren't utterly destroyed inside and slid the bags of bird seed to lean against the bottom. Taking a step back I look the fruit of my labor when I notice some tapping on my boot making me look down to see Angel frowning.
I narrow my eyes. "What do you want, you little shit?" I lean the broom on the table. "You already got me cleaning up the mess in here, what else could you possibly want?"
He hops over to the wood oven and point at the kettle hanging on a hook and points towards the living room. I glance over and see Fluttershy looking sheepishly in my direction like she wanted something. I shrug still not understanding but the rabbit hops up opening a container and pulls out a tea bag.
My face scrunches. "Da fuck? You want me to fuckin' rub her hooves while I'm at it? This ain't a fuckin' bed and bath, cottontail!"
His eyes narrow and he kicks a spoon nearby onto the floor I spent an hour cleaning.
"Pfft like a spoons gonna convince me to-" I hear a scraping sound cutting me off.
Angel, using his legs, slowly pushes a fuckin' behemoth of a spice rack filled to the brim with all sorts of bottles and jars of herbs towards the edge and lifts an amused eyebrow.
"…You wouldn't." He pushes it a little further to prove he would. "Fuckin' fine! Just chill your tits, Easter!"
Walking over I grab the fuckin' kettle filling it with water from the sink and place it atop the already lit stove but I toss another log laying nearby inside just in case it wasn't hot enough. I was about to go sit down to wait for the whistle when I hear a slam nearby. Turning I see Angel had dropped a textbook onto the floor and he bounds down to start dragging it in my direction.
"Will you fuckin' stop making a mess!" I groan and snatch it from him getting pretty annoyed at his shit to be honest.
Staring at the cover I groan again even louder upon seeing a dog wearing a chef's hat and many different foods laid around him. It's a fuckin' cookbook for animals no doubt but I can only assume that as the text means nothing to me, but I'm not retarded I can put two and two together. I shake my head and toss it on the table without much care and sit down ignoring its existence. Angel hops up, opens to a specific page and thumps on it. I really don't want to look at it but curiosity got the better of me and I glance at the page. Again, all the text meant nothing to me but there was a picture of what looked like glazed carrots steaming in a dish.
I narrow my eyes at the little mammal. "Something tells me this is for someone in particular, isn't that right?"
He triumphantly makes a pose like he's won but I slam the book back shut, startling him and glare. He glares back with gusto.
"Listen here… Its fuckin' bad enough being basically enslaved to these fuckin' ponies but I am not a slave to a bunny!" I lick my lips and see some of the other animals run around giving me an idea. My gaze softens and I grab the textbook tapping it slightly. "What about a deal instead, my devious furred friend?"
His eyebrow lifts and he crosses his arms like he's listening but wary.
I hold up the cookbook. "I can't read this shit and even though you basically tricked me into being Chef Boyardee to this barnyard of a house I'm not doing it alone. Besides I don't know what half of these shits eat anyways."
He looks like he's trying to comprehend what I'm about to ask.
"I'll tell ya what. If you help me make these shits their food, I'll make you a crockpot sized dish of those carrots you want so bad." His eyes kinda bulge out of his head. "What do ya say, partner?" I stick my hand out for a shake.
He looks back and forth between my hand and the textbook and he starts sweating. I swear I could see his mouth start watering as well. He grabs his ears pulling on them like he's trying to resist the temptation but quickly, and let me tell you desperately, shakes my hand sealing the deal. As the deal is struck, I hear the whistle of the kettle ring through the air letting me know that it is indeed tea time.
I turn to my new partner in crime. "I'll get the tea for your 'marestress' together and you grab the ingredients of what you'll think would be the best to start with."
He puffs his chest out and salutes before comically running towards the pantry shoving any furred animals out of his way like he was a linebacker. Huh. I'm starting to like that little shit… Getting everything for the tea was easy enough and I put it all on a platter for the couch ridden pegasus including creamer and cubes of sugar.
I bring the platter out placing it on the cushion next to here. "Here's your fuckin' tea, baby."
She blushes out of embarrassment I suppose "T-thank you." She said softly adding some cubes with her mouth to a filled cup.
I sigh. "Whatever," I turn to leave but stop at the door as she takes a sip. "Oh, by the way Angel's gonna be helping me cook so if your wondering where the runt is he'll be in the kitchen with me."
She chokes and sprays tea all over the floor and stares at me. "A-Angel? My Angel? Is helping you cook?" She asks like I'm lying.
I cock an eyebrow. "Yeeeaaaaaaah? Is that a problem?"
Just as she was about to ask another question Angel bounds out with a bag of what looked like almonds over his head and hops up and down like he needed my help. Fluttershy rubbed her eyes like she was seeing things making me kinda chuckle. It seems like Angel doesn't do shit around here if the mares reaction was anything to go by. Walking over I grab the bag and follow the shit back into the kitchen leaving Fluttershy speechless.
The next few hours went by pretty fast to be honest considering the amount of work we had to do. Christ there were a lot of fuckin' animals that had to be fed. To be fair most of it was bulk stuff that was pretty easy like bird seed and grains. The weird shit that was more complicated were the 'special cases' I'll call them. As you know Fluttershy is basically a veterinarian around here so it's only obvious that her house was basically her clinic to help rehabilitate wounded animals.
There were tons of critters that required a little more care than the rest like that maroon colored parrot with a broken beak that needed warm oatmeal instead of raw nuts. There was a blind ferret who had to be hand fed but to be fair he was pretty good at being handled considering this is me we're talking about. And don't even get me started on that fat fuckin' raccoon from earlier. He needed a fuckin' bagel with cream cheese. Extra cream cheese. Don't fuckin ask me why. The shit came in reading a magazine like he was Scruffy from Futurama and snatched from me like a disappointed father.
Freak…
Speaking of freaks, Angel was actually pretty helpful all in all. He knew what every animal needed and even lined them up like we were a soup kitchen to make it easier to give out meals. I doubt I could've done it without him if I'm being honest. He's a funny little guy, too. He's got an attitude towards his fellow furred peers that could only be described as indifference and we definitely both felt it mutually every now and again making him kind of entertaining to be around. He's currently on my shoulder salivating as we're sauteing his carrots that he wanted, no needed, so bad. For all intents and purposes I was totally gonna betray him and not make them but I've got this sneaking suspicion that this is gonna be a regular occurrence throughout the weeks to come and I'd rather not make another enemy as I've already have so many to choose from as it is.
Twilight would be proud…
Bitch.
Finishing the caramelized carrots I pour them into an oblong oval shaped dish and walk out into the family room holding the steaming food. I notice a coo coo clock in the corner of the room that says it's about dinner time anyway so it looks like we lucked out in timing. Angel hops down putting a rag on the end table in the middle of the love seat and the lazy boy so I could place the plate down without worry of hurting the wood finish.
Fluttershy's eyes widen in delight upon seeing the food. "Ooh! Glazed carrots! They look amazing." She looks at me and Angel strangely. "Did you two make this?"
I smirk totally not letting a compliment of my culinary skills go to my head. "Yeah I made it but it was Thumper here who wanted to make this dish in particular." I place three spoons into the food and take a seat.
Fluttershy nuzzles the bunny but is completely ignored as Angel stares at the plate like it was Kaa from The Jungle Book. He looks at me as if he wants permission and I wave a dismissive hand at him letting him know to start gorging. And gorging is exactly what he does.
"Slow down, Angel, your gonna choke hehe." Fluttershy giggles watching her companion getting absolutely lost in the sauce. Eventually the mare takes a spoonful and moans a little blushing as she does so. "Hmmm this is really good, Charlie. Are you a cook back home?"
I shrug. "Not really. Haven't made my own food in a really long time. Never really cared for it." I take a spoonful as well and it's just as I thought it would taste like and just shrug again. "It's alright."
If you ate as many carrots as I've eaten over the last four months, you wouldn't be chipper about it either.
I take a few unenthused spoonfuls every now and then and notice Fluttershy staring cocking her head like she noticed something. "Can I help you?" I snap.
To my surprise she doesn't blush this time. "How have you been eating since getting here, Charlie?" She asks softly but I can tell there's purpose behind it.
I feel my lips purse. "I can't really fuckin' complain at least I'm eating." I take another spoonful and turn to her. "Why?"
She shakes her head lightly. "Oh it's just I noticed your teeth. You're an omnivore and was wondering if your diet here in Ponyville has been suitable for you. I don't imagine a strict vegetarian diet has been fun especially if you ate meat back home."
My face scrunches at her observation. "That's really fuckin' weird that you noticed that but your right on all accounts." I stare at another spoonful of carrots and almost gag. "I've been eating eggs and beans like they're going out of style and I'm getting really tired of it. I'm a fuckin' meat eater and I've been sucking on dafodils for months…" I rub my belly. "I also lost a lot of weight too… And not in a good way. I cant keep up with my protein intake anymore but what the fuck else am I going to do? Starve?"
She blushes a little. "W-well I think there's some frozen salmon in the fridge if yo-" My spoon clatters on the ground interrupting her.
I turn to her. "What did you say?" I state somewhat quietly.
She looks like she said something wrong. "S-salmon? The ferrets and Harry need it for their diet or else they'll get sick and getting sick is a big no no."
"I-I! B-but!" I stammer, "How the fuck can you have fish! This town is allergic to meat! Trust me I tried finding some for weeks! And aren't you miss animal lover?! How the fuck can you of all people have meat?!"
She sheepishly shrinks at my shouting but at least answers me. "T-the river sometimes dries up or my poor fishy friends hop out of the water and they die. I can save most of them but I'm not around all day so some pass away before I can get to them. Sometimes though, I'll have no choice to grab them myself if one of my babies really need it but I really try not to."
I slump in my chair completely baffled. "For four fuckin' months I've been craving meat and the only one who fuckin' understands is the mare I've talked to the least…" I sigh and rub my forehead. "Un-fuckin'-believable."
I hear her stammer. "I-is that a yes?"
I tiredly turn to her. "I'm thinkin' yeah…"
She smiles. "Okay! There should be some bags of them in the bottom shelf of the fridge. Take as many as you like but please leave a few as I still need them."
I stand and turn into the kitchen to find this fish that she promised and lo and behold there they are! A pile of numerous in season salmon lay cold in the bottom shelf and let me tell you they look fuckin' delectable! Nice and plump too. Aww man this gonna be so fuckin' good! I grab a rag nearby and place about 4 of the slimy things placing them in rows and fold the rag over to make a sack. It'll be wet and stinky but better than toting them home in my bare hands. I walk back out towards the front door and place them in the new fresh sheet of snow that had accumulated throughout the day to keep them cold and turn back to take my seat to finish eating.
Or I was gonna finish but I notice the dish no longer carries carrots anymore and rather holds a glutted, belly extended white rabbit. He belches and looks at me with a look that says 'do what you must for I have already won'.
This fuckin' rabbit dude.
I couldn't help but sigh and rub the top of his head in between his ears and let me tell you he loved it. All I'd need to do is get him some bunny strippers and the little dude would die without regrets.
Fluttershy smiles at the gesture I gave to her bunny friend. "I've never seen anyone else so good with him. He's usually so picky about who touches him."
I laugh a little. "With a belly like that I think a hawk could swipe him and he wouldn't care."
She shakes her head. "No, believe me you really are good with him." A bird flies down watching the whole thing and chirps in her ear. "Actually, you've been really good with all my friends. They all really liked having you here."
I grimace at that. "I don't think that's a mutual feeling…" I sigh and relinquish the pets away from Angel much to his displeasure. "Besides I'm not much of an animal person. Too much hair you know?"
A hard knock on the door causes us to spin around pulling us out of our conversation. I look at the clock which reads about 7ish.
I groan. "Must be that fuckin'asshole, Flash…"
I walk over to the door opening to see, guess what? An asshole. But not the one I expected.
I fuckin' freeze.
"Sup, Monkey?" The multi colored nightmare beams upon seeing me. "Ya miss me?"
My look of surprise quickly changes to disgust. I go to slam the door but a hoof blocks it and rainbow forces it open giving me a look of smugness before wiggling through the small space pushing me to the side. She flies over to my seat lounging on it like she owned the place and stares at me smiling like a cunt the whole time. I sigh and shut the door holding the knob for an uncomfortable amount of time before letting go. I just know this isn't gonna end well.
Fluttershy looked at Dash kinda warily. "R-Rainbow, I wasn't expecting you today…" She looks at me and shrinks. "Especially since Charlie is…" Her voice dies in her throat.
She looks at Fluttershy still smiling. "Oh come on! Like I wouldn't miss a day without seeing my bestest, goodest, friend!" She turns to me her eyes narrowing. "Right, Charlie?"
I glare and my hand starts short circuiting pretty painfully causing me to grab the wall to stop from falling. Fluttershy and Angel gasp seeing the sparks.
She laughs incredibly pleased. "Oh buck yeah! I don't even have to do anything anymore and it happens! You're just making this better and better!" She snorts. "Not that I was gonna do anything, at least not today." She looks at the clock and yawns.
I calm myself down but it was a lot harder than I'd like to admit as some small shocks still hit me.
She jumps up doing a somersault and lands by the door eyeballing me while smiling. "Just thought I'd let you know in advanced that it's my day tomorrow but you lucked out! I've got business in Cloudsdale and I won't be back until Monday… But don't worry we'll make up for lost time!" She cackles. "See you then, ape! HA!"
And opens the door flying away making me regret the oxygen I breathe. I rub my head and kinda slowly lower myself to the floor as the energy was sapped from me from the episode and close my eyes. As I lay in a pool of my own pathetic-ness I hear soft fluttering sound above me causing me to open my eyes to see cyan colored ones stare back worriedly.
"A-are you alright?" She coos.
I sigh and shut my eyes again. "People keep asking me that but the answer should be fuckin' obvious." I rub my hand where the mark is. "This fuckin' thing is getting worse…"
I hear Fluttershy hum. "I-it didn't look fun…" I hear her silently land next to me. "I'm sorry about Rainbow. She means well…"
I snirk at that. "Yeah… Means well to put me in a grave more like."
I sit up rubbing my head as I stand to head back to the couch. While on my way there Fluttershy tried grabbing my arm to help me but I fiercely pull away and ignored her stupid apologies. We sat in silence for quite some time with the mare studying me every second that ticked by wondering what was going on in 'Charlie Land'. That was until another knock on the door pulled our attentions away and it swings open to reveal the asshole I was expecting earlier.
Flash looked miserable from the walk here. He was covered head to hoof in snow and he looked tired. More tired than usual. The snow had started coming down in droves I notice before he shuts the door and shudders.
He turns to me and glares. "I see you have talked your way into Miss Fluttershy's home. It's a shame! I was really hoping to see an ice sculpture of you in immortal terror as I came upon the cottage. It really would have made my day." She turns to Fluttershy. "I'm sorry if this brute inconvenienced you any. He's not house trained yet, you see." He's getting really good at this.
Fluttershy shook her head vehemently and taps my hand making my nose scrunch. "Oh not at all! Actually the complete opposite! Charlie was great company and a gentlecolt!"
Flash looked confused and stared at me before looking back. "Are you sure you're not speaking of a different Charlie? You must be mistaken…"
She weakly looked at her hoof which by the way looked a lot better than a few hours earlier. "I had an accident today and if it wasn't for Charlie I might still might have been in trouble." She actually flies upward using her wings and comes toward me giving me a small nuzzle making me freeze. "Thank you by the way… You have a certain tenderness that the world needs more of…"
It felt really nice… So nice that I almost reciprocated the gesture but I look over to see a Flash Sentry at a complete loss. His confusion was quickly replaced with a coy smile as he looks between us.
"My, my, don't you have a way with the mares…" He laughs.
I recoil immediately. She looked hurt by this but I had to get the fuck outta here.
I grab my quilt and throw my hands up. "Alright! Fuck you, I'm outta here. Flash? Lets go!" I turn rather abruptly and open the door leaving the cottage grabbing the fish and walking towards the bridge as snow fell pretty hard. Flash caught up rather quickly and I notice the sly smile still on his face.
"Shut the fuck up, Flash, she doesn't know what she's talking about!"
His smile grows wider.
"She's talking crazy! None of that happened! That's what happens when you live alone all your life! You make up fantasies in your insane head!"
His eyebrows start wiggling along with that fuckin' smile.
I threw my hands up. "I actually robbed her! Yeah! That's whats up with her hoof ! I hurt her and I liked it! She just doesn't remember because of the amnesia! I'm a baaaaaaaad man, Flash!"
"Whatever you say, Gentlecolt…" He starts busting laughing. I groan making him laugh harder as we continue to trudge back into town as the snowstorm swirls around us.
The cold barely affects me as I touch the cheek she nuzzled making memories replay in my mind.
"I-I was trying to be nice…"
"What do you know of kindness, Charlie! Nothing!"
I scowl for the remainder of the walk home.
I need a fuckin' vacation…