Milton must have done something to the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just wondering what happened to our favorite toaster!

Death Of A Toaster

"Ugh…" Lana groaned as she sat at her desk in her office. "All this stupid paperwork!"

"Then why do it?" Archer asked. He and the rest of the gang were in the office as well hanging around.

"Because Archer," Lana said. "Unlike Mallory, I'm going to make my agency legal and as ethical as possible! Well as ethical as you can being a spy agency."

Archer added. "Whose responsibilities include wiretapping, spying, assassinations, and some possible theft from mostly bad guys. I saw where you were going with that."

"I'm planning on being mostly ethical," Lana admitted. "Or at the very least more ethical than Mallory. Which shouldn't be that high a bar to pass."

"Well, you say that…" Cheryl quipped.

"Are we getting a new name?" Ray asked.

"Not sure yet," Lana remarked. "Depends on if I can find a better one."

Archer remarked. "I'm surprised you're not going to call it the Kane Agency."

"I didn't want to pull a Cyril unless I absolutely had to," Lana admitted.

"Good point," Archer nodded.

"Hey!" Cyril pouted.

"And I'm not asking Pam or Cheryl for name suggestions!" Lana added.

Cheryl remarked. "Yeah, I don't think marketing is our thing anyway. I'm more into demolition."

"I've known that for years," Ray quipped.

"Here's some good news," Pam smirked as she looked at her laptop. "I hear IIA is being investigated up to their tits. In fact, three of their offices closed and at least a dozen other people got arrested."

"In other words, that's another agency we wrecked," Cyril remarked. "Besides our own. I'm starting to think we might get a reputation for that."

"We haven't wrecked…" Lana paused. "That many other agencies."

"Oh yeah?" Pam asked. "How soon we forget our detective agency phase."

"We did more than our share in wrecking some of those agencies in LA," Ray admitted. "Remember that one detective Milton killed?"

"No," Archer said. "I wasn't there. But thank you for making me an accessory after the fact."

"We literally made him and his agency disappear off the map," Ray went on. "After burying his body in the desert."

"Again," Archer groaned. "Thanks."

"We also wrecked the Epsilon Agency," Pam added. "Killed a half dozen of their agents and got their higher ups arrested after that whole diamond smuggling fiasco."

"I don't remember that one," Archer frowned.

"It was during your coma," Lana explained.

"Sabbatical," Archer corrected. "Oh, wasn't there some other spy agency we wrecked while Mother was still in charge? What was it called? Something with rockets? Rocket Launcher something?"

"BETA," Lana looked at him. "It was called BETA. You blew up their building with a rocket launcher. Remember?"

"Oh right," Archer nodded. "I did! Heh. One of the pieces of rubble fell on Brett's foot and broke it. What did BETA stand for again?"

"Who remembers?" Lana waved.

"Don't forget ODIN," Archer added. "We destroyed that agency!"

"ODIN was bought out by IIA," Pam corrected him. "And dismantled."

"After we turned Len Trexler's brain to lettuce and killed over half of their agents," Archer pointed out.

"Yeah, we really did a number on ODIN," Ray admitted. "We may not have given it the killing blow, but we weakened the hell out of it!"

"We also wrecked a lot of CIA operations and their funding," Lana added. "I mean it's still there but…"

"We gave it some wounds it won't forget anytime soon," Ray nodded.

Archer took a drink. "So our toaster actually killed a guy?"

"Yuuup," Lana nodded.

"Electrocuted him or…?" Archer asked. "I mean now that I'm in the loop I might as well know."

"Knocked him down the stairs of the Figgis Agency," Pam told him.

"Ohhh. What did happen to Milton anyway?" Archer asked.

"Not sure," Krieger remarked. "I lost track of him the second time he escaped the police impound lot."

"Don't you have a tracking device or something built into him?" Ray asked.

Krieger blinked. "Oh yeah. I forgot about that! Let me check my phone! I put an app on it. Here it is. My Toaster!"

"Anyone else but Krieger…" Cyril groaned.

Krieger played with his phone. "Here it is. Huh. Says he's somewhere in Miami."

"Miami, Florida?" Cyril asked.

"No, Cyril he means Miami, West Virginia," Ray said sarcastically. "Actually, I have cousins there. But I'm pretty sure he meant the Miami in Florida."

"I did," Krieger paused. "Wait there's a Miami in West Virginia?"

"There is," Ray nodded. "It's not as well known as the Miami in Florida. For obvious reasons."

"Actually 11 states have a city named Miami in them," Pam spoke up. "Besides Florida and West Virginia there's Miami Indiana, Miami Missouri, Miami Ohio, Miami New Mexico, Miami Texas…"

"Hang on," Archer spoke up. "There are that many cities in the United States that are named Miami?"

"My question doesn't sound so stupid now does it?" Cyril asked acidly.

"No, you have a point," Archer admitted. "I feel like Miami Florida should have put a trademark on that."

"Well Milton is in the Miami that's in Florida," Krieger blinked. "Which is weird because I'm pretty sure I left him in LA."

"We did," Pam realized. "He didn't fit in the van. So I set him free."

"You did what now?" Lana raised an eyebrow. "I ask knowing the answer will be completely and utterly stupid."

"I just opened the back door and let Milton run free," Pam admitted.

"BOOORRRRN FREEEEEE!" Cheryl cried out singing. "AS FREE AS THE WIND BLOWS!"

"AS FREE AS THE GRASS GROWS!" Pam joined in with Cheryl.

"ENOUGH!" Lana shouted. "I was right. Are you telling me all this time Milton has been roaming around the country? For at least four years?"

"Apparently," Cheryl paused. "Wow, can you imagine all the adventures he must have had?"

"No," Archer told her. "Because he's a toaster!"

Krieger blinked. "So are we going to go get him or…?"

"Sure," Ray said dryly. "Let's all go take a trip to Florida to recover our killer toaster."

"YAY ROAD TRIP!" Cheryl cheered. "We can take the Tunt Jet!"

"All aboard for adventure and safety!" Pam added.

"More like all aboard for insanity and stupidity," Lana sighed. "Oh, why not?"

"You actually want to go track down a toaster?" Archer asked.

"Beats doing paperwork," Lana shrugged as she got up.

"Good point," Archer shrugged as they left.

It wasn't long before Ray was in the cockpit of one of Cheryl's private planes. "Good afternoon passengers," Ray remarked. He was wearing a pilot's uniform with shades. "This is your Captain Ray Gillette. We're flying at an altitude of who the hell cares and the weather is sunny with a chance of scotch and margaritas."

Ray took a sip of a daquiri in a glass. "I myself am enjoying this lovely daiquiri and if you think I shouldn't be drinking while flying, well you are in the wrong spy agency! I'll stop when everyone else stops!"

Ray went on. "We should be landing in Miami in less than three hours, so sit back and relax and stop bitching about how long this is taking! We've got drinks and everyone has streaming devices on their phones so they can watch whatever the hell they want! Thank you for flying Spy Airlines. Where nobody knows what the hell we're doing! Including us!"

Back in the main section of the plane the rest of the gang were lounging in first class accommodations drinking. "You think it's weird that nobody went over the safety procedures?" Pam asked.

Cyril looked at her before taking a drink. "Pam, even I think that's a lame question!"

"He's not wrong," Archer remarked. "What really shocks me is how into this Lana is. I mean, seriously? You're blowing off paperwork to go on a mission to track down Milton?"

"I've already decided to log this in as a mission tracking down a piece of rogue technology," Lana admitted as she took a drink of scotch. "In case anyone asks."

"You think people will actually ask if we're hunting down a rogue toaster?" Archer snickered.

"Well with this group," Lana paused. "Odds are fifty-fifty."

Archer nodded. "Yeah, I can see that happening."

"Again officially," Lana said. "We're hunting down some rogue technology created by an insane scientist."

"Technically I'm not insane…" Krieger spoke up. "I've just been off my meds. Mostly because I haven't had a chance to make new ones."

Cheryl took a drink of scotch before speaking. "I wonder what Milton has been doing all these years?"

"I don't want to know," Lana remarked. "Mostly because I can have deniability and not be liable for any damages."

"But that would be an interesting storyline don't you think?" Cheryl asked. "The Adventures of Milton!"

"Okay here's everything wrong with that sentence," Archer sighed. "One, our lives are not a TV show!"

"Said the main character whose whole life is in denial," Cheryl quipped. "Wait, this is my show! I should be the main character!"

"Oh, you're a character all right," Cyril quipped.

"And two," Archer decided to press on. "Nobody wants to watch a story about a toaster!"

"A giant sentient toaster!" Pam added.

"A giant killer sentient insane toaster," Archer looked at her. "Which is admittedly one step up from Robert the killer sentient insane tire from Rubber! But unlike that movie which was a waste of two hours, I don't want to waste two minutes thinking about what that thing did!"

"Mostly because we don't want to become accessories after the fact," Cyril added.

"Look we'll just go to Miami," Archer said. "Get the toaster and then go out to a nice seafood dinner."

"If there's time," Lana pointed out.

"There's always time for fun in Miami, Lana!" Archer told her.

"The last time you said that we ended up with a suitcase full of counterfeit money and ended up in a shootout!" Lana reminded him. "And you gave tongue to a guy!"

"THERE WAS NO TONGUE!" Archer snapped. "It was just a quick peck!"

"Oh, there was tongue all right," Lana snorted. "And that kiss was waaaaaayyy too long for a peck."

"Oh yeah," Pam perked up. "I remember that!"

"No! You weren't there!" Archer snapped. "You were hopped up on cocaine in the car!"

"There was so much tongue," Lana went on.

"NO THERE WASN'T!" Archer shouted. "Besides Ramon is dead. I think. Probably."

"Which means he isn't," Cheryl added. "Ooh! He'd be a great guest star on the show! That would be great if he came back!"

"Cheryl…" Archer began.

"Just let her think that she's in a TV show," Pam told him. "It's just easier that way."

"If there is a show I'd love to be in an episode where I beat Sandra's ass," Lana grumbled.

"Et Tu Lana?" Archer asked. "Now I know you're just saying that to annoy me!"

"Pretty much yes," Lana admitted. "But I do really want to beat that cheating whore up."

"Oh yeah that's what the audience wants to see," Cheryl rolled her eyes. "A smackdown between Truckasaurus and Snoreadon! Then again, I wouldn't mind seeing Sandra get beat up so…I'll float the idea to the writers."

"How about having them give me a girlfriend?" Krieger asked. "One that isn't a hologram."

"Well, we need to do something different," Cheryl remarked. "Some kind of new exotic location that we've never been before."

"How about a psychiatrist's office?" Cyril remarked.

"Technically that was a location last season," Cheryl admitted. "But you do have a point. We are running out of new and exotic locations. I mean we did outer space to death. And under the ocean. And ice locations. Jungles. Deserts. Beaches…It's getting harder keeping it fresh."

"What cities haven't we blown up yet?" Krieger asked.

"Ooh! How about a sex dungeon?" Pam asked. "A fun murder mystery in a sexy sex dungeon!"

"Yes please!" Krieger brightened up.

Archer grumbled as he took a drink. "Things made a lot more sense in the coma."

Cyril then spoke up. "They really made a movie about a sentient tire? As in a car tire, tire?"

"Named Robert," Archer added. "That goes on a killing spree. And falls in love. And eventually gets reincarnated as a tricycle. That leads an army of killer tires."

"Seriously?" Cyril did a double take.

"I know," Archer admitted. "The writer of the script admits he was out of ideas after forty five minutes. He should have stopped at the first one."

"And you watched this movie?" Lana asked.

"No, but I read the synopsis online," Archer admitted. "And even those two minutes seemed like a waste of time. Not as much as actually watching it…"

"I watched it," Krieger admitted. "I was looking for ideas about what else I could scientifically bring to life. Not even science could save that script."

Archer added. "Apparently this movie makes Mannequin look like Masterpiece Theater."

Cheryl spoke up. "Robert is a strange name for a tire don't you think?"

"Well, what do you think a tire should be called?" Archer asked. "Keep in mind trademarked names aren't allowed."

Cheryl paused. "Bumper."

"That's a good name for a tire," Archer blinked.

"If you gotta go with a tire name," Lana admitted. "That's a good one."

"Or Streak?" Krieger suggested. "Skid?"

"Those aren't bad either," Archer admitted.

"Rubber Man!" Pam added.

"That sounds like a character made to sell condoms," Cyril remarked. "I mean it's still better than Robert."

"Anything sounds better than Robert to me," Lana groaned.

"Oh right," Cheryl realized. "You were married to a Robert."

"Yeah, and he tried to run me over every chance he got," Lana quipped. "Huh? Maybe Robert does work as a name for a tire?"

"I bet you got a lot of flats with him in bed," Archer quipped. "Get it?"

"Eeehhhh…" Everyone said judgmentally.

"Not that funny dude," Pam shook her head. "Oh how's AJ doing?"

"She's doing well," Lana said. "Robert agreed to pay for the rest of her schooling this year. It was the least he could do. She's at school now. She just took second place in her school's science fair. I'm very proud of her!"

"Proud of second place?" Cheryl scoffed. "Setting the bar low, aren't we?"

Lana snapped. "Considering her competition were mostly certified geniuses and one kid who actually builds rockets for her home country…I think she did pretty well!"

"I still have a problem with you shoving AJ into boarding school," Archer admitted. "I mean it could warp her."

"She seems pretty well adjusted to me," Krieger blinked.

Lana looked at Archer. "Aren't you the one that told me that AJ could get warped anyway no matter what I did so all I could do is try my best and hope I get lucky?"

Archer shrugged. "You could have at least went to her science fair."

"Parents weren't allowed to attend this science fair," Lana told him. "Mostly because of what happened a few years ago. Some of the parents were rival tech moguls, a few Nobel prize winners and a scientist who helped his kid build a weather dominator knock off. And since they just rebuilt the roof…"

"I get it," Archer winced.

Lana added. "Plus, she has a horse show at the end of the month with her school's Dressage team. I told her we'd go see that."

"AJ rides horses?" Archer did a double take.

"She does," Lana nodded. "She doesn't own one. She's too young but she's been taking riding lessons for years. And the school has a very good team. A lot of riders go to the Olympics."

"I did not know that," Archer blinked.

"And she's also going to Paris Disneyland with her friends after that so…" Lana shrugged.

Cyril said sarcastically. "Gee, science fairs, horse riding, friends, going to Paris and Disneyland…What a horrible situation AJ is living. She might actually become…dare I say? Well adjusted?"

"Well, where's the fun in that?" Cheryl asked.

"Can we talk about something else?" Lana snapped. "Maybe I don't know? Krieger have you pinpointed Milton's location or…?"

"Oh," Krieger blinked. "I should probably try that."

"It would be helpful," Lana sighed.

"That's why she's the boss," Cheryl said cheerfully.

Krieger looked at his phone. "According to this Milton is near the ocean. By the seaport."

"Possibly a warehouse?" Lana suggested.

"How did Milton get in a warehouse?" Cyril asked.

"Maybe he shipped himself by Federal Express?" Archer shrugged. "And he's in storage? Great. Now I'm coming up with backstories."

"If Milton is in a warehouse, then he probably is in storage," Lana reasoned. "Then all we have to do is sneak in when it's dark. Use the tracking device to pinpoint his location and remove him. Easy."

Later that evening.

"Or maybe not so easy?" Lana blinked around the large warehouse full of people cheering and drinking. In the center was a large cage where two robots with weapons were fighting. And one of them…

BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

"And KILLER TOASTER TAKES IT FOR THE WIN!" An announcer cheered as Milton destroyed his opponent with a buzz saw attached to his body. He was also brightly painted with fire patterns.

"Well, this is an unexpected development," Ray blinked. "Or is that my thirteenth daquiri kicking in?"

"No, this is real," Lana told him. "And you usually don't start hallucinating things until after your twentieth."

"Oh good," Ray remarked. "For a second there I thought my tolerance had lowered."

"Milton is in an underground robot fighting ring?" Archer blinked. "And we get to save him? AWESOME!"

"You're interested in his backstory now, aren't you?" Cheryl asked.

"Well duh!" Archer pointed. "This obviously beats a crazy killer sentient tire by a mile!"

Cyril remarked. "Pretty much anything beats a crazy killer sentient tire by a mile."

Archer shrugged. "You're not wrong."

"Killer sentient tire?" Ray blinked.

"Don't ask," Lana rolled her eyes. "Okay so let's do some recon…"

"WHOOOOO!" Archer ran off. "NEON JELLO SHOTS!"

"COPIOUS AMOUNTS OF UNKNOWN DRUGS!" Cheryl cheered as she ran off.

"YES PLEASE!" Krieger whooped as he left with them.

Lana groaned. "And by recon, I mean the majority of you go off and party. Leaving me and…"

She saw Ray, Cyril and Pam with her. "Okay Ray and Cyril I'm not that surprised. But you Pam?"

"I can do both," Pam casually grabbed a drink from a bar. "Besides you're gonna need someone to help you navigate the scene."

"And there's nobody that cute here," Ray looked around. "At least at first look."

"I'm definitely not gonna get laid here so…" Cyril admitted. "What do we do?"

"Follow my lead," Pam told them. She casually grabbed some glow in the dark necklaces from a rack and put them on. The others shrugged and did so.

Meanwhile Archer was doing shots on top of a bar. "WHOOOOOOO!" He slammed several empty glasses down and broke them.

Krieger had already grabbed some glow in the dark necklaces and somehow made his way to the DJ booth. "Let's turn this mother out!"

"They don't waste time, do they?" Cyril remarked.

"WHEEEEEEEEE!" Cheryl was being carried along in a mosh pit area. "THIS IS AMAZING! MY ASS IS BEING GRABBED BY SO MANY STRANGERS!"

"No, they do not," Lana sighed as they walked by.

"This place is so loud!" Cyril half shouted as they walked further in. "How do the cops not notice these things?"

"One it's by the docks," Pam casually took a drink off of a tray from a woman nearby after giving her some money. "Two the cops in this area are either paid off or just don't care. Probably both. Have a drink on me."

"I'm good," Lana waved as the others took a drink. "Someone has to stay sober."

"Good plan," Pam nodded as she drank.

"Wow," Cyril gulped down the drink. "This really has a kick in it. I wonder what it is."

"Probably a good time and a big bag of regrets in a small glass," Ray remarked. "Hang on." He downed his drink as well. "I was right."

"Okay let's move," Pam told them. They moved towards the area where the robots were fighting.

"I didn't even know robot fighting was a thing," Lana admitted.

"It is," Pam said. "Have you never seen Battle Bots?"

"Not for over a decade," Lana told her. "That's still on?"

"It is," Pam nodded. "Plus, a lot of high schools now have robot fighting teams."

"Nobody tell Archer that," Ray remarked.

"He has other things on his mind," Lana rolled her eyes.

"WHOOOOOO!" Archer's whoop was heard across the room.

"Underground robot fights are also pretty big," Pam added. "Think about it. You don't have to pay the person doing the actual fighting. And robots can just get rebuilt. Or recycled for cash."

BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! SAAAAAAAAAAAWW!

"Which will probably happen to Milton's opponent," Pam blinked. "Damn the little guy's become a real bad ass since we've last seen him."

"So what's the plan?" Ray asked Lana.

"Simple," Lana said. "Find out who's controlling Milton. Then either buy him out or beat him up. Get Milton. Go home."

"I vote for beating him up," Pam remarked. "It would save us cash."

"Or we could just get him drunk and steal Milton," Ray suggested. "It would be easy to drug him if we get him a drink. I know Krieger and Cheryl are always packing."

"That's not a half bad idea," Lana admitted. "We'll play it by ear."

"Hang on," Ray looked around. "Where's Cyril?"

"Over there," Pam pointed.

"WHOOO HOOO!" Cyril whooped as he rode in the mosh pit.

"Okay so we lost Cyril," Lana remarked. "Not a problem. Come on." They walked away.

At the edge of the fighting cage was a young man with wild hair and a controller. "All right Dave!" His friend high fived him. "Another win!"

"Oh yeah!" Dave whooped. "Me and the Killer Toaster score another one! WHOOO!"

"Excuse me," Pam asked as she walked up to him. "I can't help but wonder where you got that robot of yours. Where did you get it?"

Dave blinked. "Don't know."

"That's helpful," Ray rolled his eyes.

"I mean I know where I found it," Dave told him. "But I have no idea how a giant toaster ended up in that strip club in Kansas City."

"Wow," Archer walked over carrying a small bottle and wearing a glow stick necklace around his neck. "There's so much about Milton's backstory I want to know about now."

"So you find this giant toaster in a strip club," Lana blinked. "And then you think okay…Robot fights?"

"Well, it already had the buzz saw attached so…" Dave shrugged. "Duh!"

"Krieger did you add a buzz saw to Milton?" Archer shouted.

"NO!" Krieger shouted. "A corkscrew yeah, but not a buzz saw."

"Why a corkscrew?" Ray asked.

"Uh so you could pop open bottles of champagne for mimosas!" Krieger walked over to them. "Duh!"

"Oh that makes sense," Archer nodded.

"I wondered about that," Dave blinked. "Oh man that does make sense now!"

"Right?" Krieger asked. "But where did he get the buzz saw?"

"Probably the same place where he got the lasers," Dave remarked.

"Lasers?" Krieger blinked. Milton has some other scientist been upgrading you? God damn it!"

"Yeah," Archer remarked. "Now I really want to find out Milton's backstory!"

"Wait?" Dave blinked. "Milton?"

"That's the toaster's name," Pam explained.

"Ohh…" Dave realized. "That's why I kept seeing that name on that little screen. I thought it was some kind of company or something that produced weird toasters. Huh. That makes so much sense now."

"I'm glad something does," Ray quipped.

Dave popped some pills into his mouth. "Drugs?" He asked as he held some out.

"We just took some, we're good," Pam waved. "So about Milton…"

"Whoaaaaaaaa…." Dave's pupils grew wider. "Do you guys hear that rainbow?"

"And he's gone," Pam groaned. "We can just take Milton and get out of here."

"On it!" Archer started to climb the fence.

"You know there's a door right over there?" Lana sighed as she pointed.

"Oh," Archer blinked. "Yeah, that makes things a lot easier!" He jumped down and went through it.

"It's just as well you're in charge now," Pam said to Lana. "I mean if Ms. Archer left her son in charge…"

"The whole agency would collapse and everything would go up in literal flames," Ray added. "I saw where you were going with that."

"Me too," Lana sighed.

"Hey Milton!" Archer said as he approached the toaster. "Hey buddy! It's me! Archer! You remember me don't you buddy?"

BZZZZZZZ!

"Milton buddy…" Archer gulped as Milton whirled on Archer with the buzzsaw going. "Uh…Little help here?"

"Dave! You gotta…" Pam began when Dave collapsed to the floor. Pam bent over it. "Dave's dead. I guess those pills were too strong for him."

"Damn," Ray whistled. "Wait, if Dave isn't controlling Milton…"

"Uh Archer," Krieger called out. "Milton isn't being programmed to attack you. He's doing it on his own!"

"Figures," Archer groaned. He looked at Milton. "What are you mad at me for? I wasn't even there! I was in a coma!"

"You just trot that excuse out every chance you get, don't you?" Ray remarked.

"He does," Lana nodded. "He's really milking it!"

"He so is," Ray agreed.

"COME ON!" Archer shouted as he ran around the ring from Milton who was slowly chasing him. "HELP! KILLER TOASTER!"

"Why doesn't he just walk out the door?" Ray blinked. "Milton's not that fast and…He's passed it! He just passed the door!"

"Archer is not good at looking for exits, is he?" Pam sighed.

"No, he is not," Krieger sighed.

"IT'S A TOASTER UPRISING!" Archer shouted as he pulled out his gun and started shooting at Milton. "AAAAGGGGHHHHH!"

"And people are running away screaming," Lana sighed as people started to scream and run. "Because a crazy half-drunk asshole is shooting up the place and at a crazy giant toaster with a buzzsaw."

"Well the ones that aren't dead from overdosing," Pam pointed. "Holy shit there must be at least ten bodies on the floor including Dave!"

"Let me see if they're all dead," Ray used his super speed to check and loot wallets. "Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead, dead…Yeah they're all dead all right."

"Wow," Lana blinked. "There really is a drug epidemic isn't there?"

"Yeah it's really getting bad out there," Ray returned with several wallets. "Anybody want a wallet?"

"I'll take one," Pam held out her hand.

"Me too," Krieger nodded as he took one.

"Why not?" Lana sighed. "It's really a shame how many people are dying from drugs."

"Well today's drugs are way stronger than they used to be," Krieger added. "And sometimes people purposely mix in lethal amounts and sell them to other people! Which is really dumb because you don't get any repeat customers."

"It's not like the old days," Ray sighed. "Where you could go to a nightclub. Just try a little cocaine on the bar. Smoke a joint in the bathroom. Grab a few pills from the pill jar and let the night take you away."

"What nightclubs did you go to?" Lana blinked.

"It's ironic, isn't it?" Pam asked. "Everyone else takes one pill and croaks. We take God knows what for how many years and we're still around."

"But for how long?" Lana pointed out.

"Yeah, we really need to start becoming more responsible," Ray nodded. "Okay that's it. I'm done with pills. From now on it's good old-fashioned alcohol and marijuana!"

"And I'm only going to take drugs that I made myself!" Krieger added.

"Good for you," Pam nodded.

BANG! BANG! BANG!

CRASH!

FOOOM!

A large light Archer had shot and fallen and crashed right on top of Milton, which was now wrecked and on fire. "WHY?" Archer had fallen to his knees. "WHY MILTON WHY? WHY DID YOU MAKE ME DO IT?"

Pam remarked. "Archer shooting up the place. Dead bodies all over the floor. Drugs and alcohol. A toaster is on fire. Huh…It's like our old office parties all over again."

"This does take me back," Lana nodded. "And not in a good way."

"I don't know," Krieger shrugged. "It kind of makes me nostalgic."

Archer sniffed as he walked out of the cage. "That's the second robot buddy I had to destroy in a rampage. It doesn't get easier."

"Or…" Lana sighed. "You could have just walked through that door and locked him in the cage until Krieger got him under control somehow."

"Oh," Archer blinked. "That might have worked too. Hey. Where did everyone go? And why are there so many dead bodies on the floor?"

"Overdose," Pam explained. "Due to some really strong pills they took without knowing the contents."

"Jesus," Archer remarked. "It's not like the old days is it? Back when you could do a line of cocaine on the table, take some drugs from the drug jar and make out in the bathroom with a porn star. Or a hostess. Depending on what was available."

"What kind of parties did you people go to?" Lana blinked. "I'm seriously asking!"

"Okay this is kind of a wake-up call," Archer remarked. "From now on I'm only sticking with alcohol and marijuana."

"Me too," Ray nodded.

"Yeah, we're not the same kids we used to be," Pam nodded. "Time for some moderation."

"And by moderation you mean just eat anything you want and drink anything you want," Lana remarked.

"Well…" Pam paused. "I can't have coffee after three anymore. Not if I want to sleep."

"Me either," Ray admitted.

"Yeah, I should cut back on the caffeine too," Archer nodded as he took out his flask and drank. "So everyone just ran off when people dropped dead?"

"That and the crazy man shooting his gun wildly at a giant toaster with a buzzsaw," Lana added. "Speaking of crazy…"

"Like where did everyone go?" Cheryl walked around.

"Overdose and gunshots," Archer explained.

"That's the reason?" Cheryl snorted. "What a bunch of wimps!"

Pam whispered to Ray and Lana. "Are we telling Cheryl about the pact not to take any more weird pills?"

"Depends," Ray said. "Are we in her will?"

"Oh yeah," Pam nodded. "I made sure."

"Then no," Lana told her.

"Got it," Pam agreed.

Cyril staggered over. His clothes were rumpled and his tie was missing. He had lipstick prints all over his face. "I have no idea what happened to me," He said in a dazed voice.

"That's pretty much par for the course with you," Ray remarked.

"One minute I'm drinking something," Cyril blinked. "The next I'm in a mosh pit. Before I knew it was being carried into the bathroom and was making out with two women! At least I'm pretty sure both of them were women."

"Yeah that's happened to me before," Pam remarked.

"Me too," Archer admitted.

"I know one of them was definitely a woman because her breasts were hanging out and I fondled them," Cyril remarked. "The other one…Either a mannish woman or a womanish man in very convincing drag. I mean I wasn't really sure…"

"But you didn't want to be rude and say anything," Archer finished. "And odds are she was probably a woman anyway…"

"Exactly!" Cyril told him. "And before we could go any further there was an explosion and the sprinklers went off and they ran out the door."

"Been there," Archer admitted.

"Me too," Pam and Ray said at the same time.

Cheryl spoke up. "I'm usually the one that sets off the explosions and the sprinkler system."

Cyril looked around. "So…What are we doing?"

"Playing a game of checkers!" Lana snapped. "What do you think we're doing? We're retrieving Milton! Well, what's left of him." She looked at the burned wreck.

"Wait the sprinklers went off in the bathrooms but not here?" Cheryl asked.

"Just don't think about it," Cyril waved.

"Okay," Cheryl nodded.

"So…I guess we just grab our burned toaster and run," Lana remarked. "Before the police show up and arrest us."

"What about the money?" Cheryl asked.

"What money?" Lana looked at her.

Soon they were inside a small office with an open safe full of money. "I'm not even going to ask how you found this…" Lana remarked. "Or why it's open. Or why there's a dead guy in the corner with his face deep in a small bag of cocaine."

"It's best you don't," Cheryl nodded.

"There really is a bad drug epidemic in this country isn't there?" Krieger asked. "Maybe I should stop contributing to it?"

"That might not be the worst idea you ever had," Ray groaned.

"You know…?" Archer looked at the open safe. "We could just…"

"Steal the money and put it into The Agency," Lana finished his sentence. "Good idea."

"Oh no," Archer blinked. "I was going to suggest going out for a nice seafood dinner. But yeah, your idea is good too."

"That's why she's in charge," Ray told him.

"Hey somebody's gotta think of the bottom line," Lana shrugged. "Cyril go check the office and see if they have any stamps or office supplies we can use."

"Ooh! Fun!" Cyril did so.

Everyone looked at Lana. "What?" She asked. "Stamps are expensive! And Cyril does know about office supplies."

"You are good at delegating," Pam nodded in agreement. "Hey some of those chairs look pretty good."

"Take them too," Lana ordered. She turned to Archer. "What?"

"Nothing it's just…" Archer paused. "Whatever happened to becoming a more ethical agency?"

"Archer we're stealing from some drugged-up punks running an illegal drug slash robot fighting ring," Lana told him. "Not the Vatican!"

"We're stealing from criminals," Ray added. "Stupid criminals."

"Stupid dead criminals," Cheryl pointed to some of the bodies. "I mean odds are these losers were gonna get bumped off anyway."

"We've done this so many times before…" Lana shrugged. "So. So many times before."

"I'm not complaining," Archer pointed out. "And I'm not against it. I'm just pointing out…Hey! Is that alcohol?" He went to check the shelves.

"And now we need to cover our tracks," Lana paused. "Cheryl…Krieger…"

Ten minutes later the gang watched from a safe distance as the building was on fire. Lana turned to Archer. "Okay maybe this part isn't ethical?"

"Practical yes," Pam remarked. "Ethical…Not so much."

"Okay now we know what we need to work on," Archer remarked.

The following day the gang took stock of their haul at the office. "That was a fun day out!" Cheryl grinned.

"We got several thousand dollars, some office supplies, two chairs and a book of stamps," Lana remarked. "And we technically took out a drug ring. All in all. One of our better missions."

"And we had a nice seafood dinner," Pam added. "At a really swanky restaurant."

"I got laid in the bathroom," Archer grinned.

"Me too!" Ray grinned. "Hot looking waiter. You?"

"Sous chef," Archer admitted. "I was in the ladies' bathroom."

Ray nodded. "Coat room. Got fifty bucks from some rich guy's coat."

"Damn it," Archer pouted. "I got a dollar thirty-three from a tampon machine. An empty tampon machine."

"Still one of our better missions," Pam remarked. "Which is saying something."

"Hey it's a lot better than the shit Fabian made us do," Archer pointed out. "And some stuff my mother did."

"That's my goal yes," Lana nodded. "Krieger can you…? Krieger…? What are you doing?"

Krieger had pictures of Milton on a desk and some candles. There was a wreath in white with the banner saying REST IN PIECES. "I'm going to hold a wake for Milton. I'm ordering a case of scotch."

"Make that two cases," Archer told him. Everyone looked at him. "I need to grieve! I just murdered my second robot friend who tried to kill me!"

"You know he's just going to rebuild that thing, right?" Pam asked.

"I knew that!" Archer snapped. "I'm just grieving for past Milton, okay? Did that make any sense?"

"It does to me," Cheryl told him.

"That's not a good sign," Archer blinked.

Ray sighed. "We really need to cut down on our drug use around here."