Author's Notes:

RELATIONSHIPS: Kurapika/Leorio Paladiknight, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck

RATING: Mature

Chapter 2: Revelation, or where they mourn for signs that never come

Sprawled over the double bed in the room they share, Killua rants away to his heart's content.

"Why did he bother to come to this ridiculous reunion Leorio initiated if he wasn't planning on saying anything to me? I'm telling you — when he and I turned up first at the meeting place, he spent the entire time before Leorio arrived curled up in a corner doing Ten and Ren exercises. He didn't look at me, didn't pay any attention to me, didn't talk to me. Not a single stinking word passed his lips till Leorio showed up."

Kurapika is facing away from the bed. He's preoccupied with neatly lining up folded sets of clothes in the closet. "What did you want Gon to say to you? What can he say that would make things okay between you two, after everything that transpired the last time you spoke?"

Killua pummels a pillow with his fist. "I don't freaking know! How about hello, to start? I'd be able to figure out a way to go from there if he'd just tried to break the ice. But no. This iceberg that's keeping us both apart — it's so gigantic it would instantly capsize any ship that so much as grazed it."

"Well, I'm glad you at least seem to comprehend that waiting and praying for Gon to change his mind is a pointless endeavor at the end of the day. People like us — who have the audacity to want things from people like them — need to stick together and repeatedly remind one another of the fundamental futility of our plight. So keep your chin up. I can tell you're making progress. You're well on the pathway to healing from this heartbreak."

"Oh yeah? Just like you are? Is that why you haven't once looked Leorio in the eye since you confessed your undying love for him? Hasn't it been nearly half a year since he told you and your homo feelings to shove off? Tell me, since you speak as if you're the preeminent expert at this — exactly how long does the process of falling out of love typically take?"

Kurapika, having finished arranging his outfits for each day of their weeklong vacation, closes the closet door. He stares at its polished wooden surface. He doesn't turn around or make any response.

Killua pushes himself up from his prone position on the mattress to sit with his back against the headboard. He winces upon remembering all the bruises Leorio has given him. "So here's a question that isn't rhetorical for once. If I'd come to you for advice before blowing it all up with the one I love, would you have discouraged me from my plans? Would you have urged me to seal my lips and throw away the key?"

Kurapika finally faces him. "In that situation, I might've told you what I'd already guessed — that Gon isn't interested in men. However, if you'd remained determined to confess your feelings despite my conjecture, then I wouldn't have stopped you. I would've supported you regardless of your decision and its outcome."

Killua grimaces. "The only reason I opened my big mouth in the first place was because I'd somehow fooled myself into believing he would feel the same. If I'd known beforehand that my chances of securing a positive outcome were slim to none, then I never would've said anything."

"Wouldn't you?"

"Why? Would you do something as absurd as that? Run headlong into a rejection you knew was coming for you?"

Kurapika's smile is gentle as he perches on the edge of the mattress. "But that's exactly what I did, Killua. You see, in many ways, Leorio presents as the most heterosexual man I've ever met. He's certainly rhapsodized about the manifold attractions of traditionally feminine physiques more times than I can count."

"In other words," Killua drawls, "he's a big old perv."

Kurapika ignores this in favor of continuing his explanation. "So I've known from the very beginning I had no hope whatsoever that Leorio would reciprocate my feelings. I've often wondered whether I subconsciously chose to favor him for this precise reason. Some part of me — the strongest part — is adamant in its conviction that I'm destined for a life of solitude and sadness everlasting. I don't believe I deserve all the wonderful things that most others have gotten simply by having a home and belonging to a happy family — things like being loved and wanted and cared for. However, despite my most valiant efforts, I couldn't kill the weaker part of me that still desired that happy ending. But I did thwart myself from ever getting that by falling for somebody like Leorio, somebody so far out of my reach he may as well be on the moon."

Killua snorts. "I disagree vehemently with this assessment, both of yourself and of Leorio. Haven't you noticed how he's been acting? He can't stand the sight of anybody touching what he believes belongs to him. He flies into a fury every time I lay a hand on you."

"No, he doesn't."

"Yes, he does, and he's not even trying to hide it. Listen, if you pretend to be in a relationship with me like I suggested we should, his resentment is going to keep building and building until he explodes and finally acts upon all the passionate feelings he clearly has for you."

Kurapika sighs. "Killua, come on. I told you word for word how he responded when I confessed. Which part of I like women and I wish I never learned you didn't because I can no longer see you the same way or continue being your friend sounds like he was leaving room for hope? I'm not so deluded that — after a rejection so absolute and unambiguous — I'll keep my eyes peeled for signs that aren't there. Can't you see that your attempts to make Leorio and Gon jealous will only amount to nothing in the end?"

"Explain why Leorio has been roughing me up for the entire car ride, then. I've got bruises on my back to prove my point."

"Let me see."

Kurapika makes Killua take off his tank top and lie stomach-down on the bed. There's a telltale thrumming as a healing ability is applied over Killua's back. A prickly but pleasant warmth dissipates over his skin. Can this be the impact of Kurapika's Holy Chain?

Kurapika speaks in a soft voice as he works. "Look, if Leorio doesn't appreciate the way you've been flirting with me, that's only because you're further muddying the waters of our friendship as a quartet. He's upset. Of course he'd be. Less at you and more at me, I think. You see, even though I was the one who was rejected, he's mourning in his own way too. Just like you and Gon, Leorio and I saw each other as best friends before I went and ruined everything between us. When I told him how I truly felt, I hadn't intended to hurt him as well as myself, but that's what I ended up doing. And I can never take back my thoughtless words or make things right again between us. I've already accepted that there will always be a hole in my life — for both the part he used to play and for all the roles he'll never end up fulfilling. You'd do well to quit playing these games and internalize the inescapable truth that you can never get your happy ending either, at least where Gon is involved."

Killua is pouting as he flips over on the mattress to lie on his back, which has stopped hurting by now. "Hmph. If you think pretending to be a couple is getting us nowhere with the ones we want, then why are you even entertaining my ploy? Why are you letting me flirt with you?"

Kurapika, whose chains have vanished again, flicks Killua's forehead with two of his fingers. "That's just because I know you, you fiend. You're using all this scheming and sneaking around as a coping mechanism."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Indulging your penchant for mischief equips you with a sense of agency amidst your impotence and distracts you from the agony of being in such close proximity to Gon without being able to touch him in the way you most desperately crave."

Indignant, Killua sits up. "You think you're so smart for reading me like this, huh? If you're so clever, then why couldn't you have predicted I'd do this?"

Without warning, Killua's hands dart forward to tickle Kurapika on both sides of his torso. Not too long ago, Killua discovered one of his friend's most well-kept secrets — that his composed demeanor and nearly perfect poker face are ultimately powerless against a well-placed tickle or two.

Within a minute of relentless tickling, Kurapika is thrashing nonstop over the bed, releasing one burst after another of infectious mirth. And despite all the difficult things that have happened today and that are surely slated to occur over the remainder of their summer vacation, in the midst of this golden moment of peace, Killua can't resist laughing alongside him.