Disclaimer: I don't own EastEnders.
And Beauty There Echoes the Speck of our Souls
(✉️➡️sms)i dropped my pzziza o nt eh floror im fuckgin pissed.
The phone rings halfway through the day. Suki pauses in the middle of her stock take, unable to stop her grin when she sees the caller ID.
"Hey, you," she says, putting the call on loudspeaker so she can continue her work. "I was wondering when I was going to hear from you."
"Missing me that much?" Eve teases.
"Enjoying a bit of peace and quiet, more like."
"Ouch!" Eve laughs. "Well, in that case you'll be delighted to hear what I have to say." She sobers. "Look, I know we had plans to see each other tonight, but I need to rearrange."
"Oh?" Suki tries to hide the disappointment that rises up inside her. It's bound to happen on occasion, when they're still juggling the secrecy. "Why, what's happened?"
"Nothing really. But Stacey seems really down today. I think she needs a good night out, you know, the chance to let her hair down and have some fun, forget her troubles for a time. And as her wife, it's my duty to step up and be that person for her. I take my vows very seriously."
"Apart from the one about being faithful, anyway."
"Oi, I'm trying to be serious. You don't mind, do you?"
Suki sighs. "What, and cement Stacey's belief further that I really am the Wicked Witch of Walford?"
"I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"You'll have to go to some pretty spectacular lengths."
"Flowers and poetry, the whole works. Stacey will testify that I'm a pretty great wife."
"Modest too."
"Even I'm not perfect. I'll text you later, yeah?"
"You'd better." Suki hesitates. She's still growing accustomed to the fact that she can express herself at liberty now. "I love you."
The unfettered joy in Eve's laugh makes her heart soar. "I love you too."
Suki tucks her phone away with a contented sigh. How wonderful it is to be free and living the life that she's wanted for so long.
True to her word, Eve texts her at six o'clock, a picture of her dressed for a night on the town. Skinny jeans, white shirt, a blazer with the sleeves rolled up to the elbows. Very smart-casual, very hot. Suki laments all over again that they're missing out on their time together tonight, because she'd very much like to slip her out of them. She sends the heart eyes emoji in response, and grins when her phone immediately begins to ring.
"Will I do?" Eve asks in greeting.
Suki settles herself on the sofa. "Absolutely. Where are you taking Stacey tonight?"
"I know this nice, classy bar in Soho. I think it'll be right up her street."
Suki fingers the stem of her wine glass. "A gay bar?"
"Unfortunately, Stacey wouldn't find the right sort of person in a gay bar, and I don't need the distractions if I'm going to be chief wing-woman. So, no, it's a place for the straights, but it makes up for it with the amazing beer. Why, were you worried?"
"Don't be ridiculous," she sniffs.
"You were!" Eve crows. "Jealous that some absolutely drop-dead gorgeous femme fatale type would steal my heart away. But there's nothing to worry about. I might have played the field a bit in the past, but I'm loyal to a fault when my heart's being taken."
"And is that what's happened?" Suki dares.
Eve laughs. "Believe me, it was stolen a very long time ago by the most beautiful, infuriating ice queen I've ever met. And between you and me, I don't think there's any chance of getting it back ever again. She's ruined all other women for me. There could never be anyone else."
There's a lump in Suki's throat. She tries to dissolve it with a swig of wine. Eve always knows exactly what to say to reassure her. She's never exactly lacked confidence—in the male dominated and misogynistic environment of business, she would have been eaten alive without it—but in this she does have less experience. Sometimes her nerves do get the better of her. And she can understand why women would be drawn to Eve, with her big heart and her warmth and her fun-loving attitude. She has experiences that Suki couldn't even dream of, and sometimes she worries that all of this hiding and sneaking around will grow tiresome, regardless of the reassurances.
"Listen," Eve says, breaking through her musings, "Stacey is shouting me. I reckon she's eager to get going. I'll text you later, let you know I'm back in one piece. And I'll be in the Minute Mart bright and early so I can see your gorgeous face."
"Okay, enough with the flattery. Go and have fun. I'll see you tomorrow."
With that, Eve disconnects. Suki throws her phone onto the coffee table, reaching for the TV remote. Vinny's out tonight. She might as well make the most of it.
The phone vibrates on the coffee table, jerking Suki back to awareness. She scrambles up at once—she hadn't even realised she'd dozed off over some cookery competition. She switches off the TV and reaches for her phone, glancing at her watch. Eleven. Eve and Stacey must have made it home.
She unlocks her phone, expecting a message confirming as much.
i dropped my pzziza o nt eh floror im fuckgin pissed
Suki blinks at the message for a moment, then bursts out laughing. Only Eve could be so ridiculous and so charming at the same time.
Or maybe it's just love's rosy tint. If it was anyone else, she would find the drunken foolishness irritating.
Love has made her softer, too. Under normal circumstances she'd just leave them to their own devices, but now she's compelled to make Eve happy.
And she knows just how to do that.
Number thirty-one's upstairs is in darkness, but there's a light on in the sitting room.
Suki pauses outside the front door. She doesn't want to knock and wake everyone up at this late hour, and she doesn't even know if Eve and Stacey will notice in their drunken state. She juggles with her phone, finds Eve's number.
It takes several seconds longer than it normally would for her lover to answer. When she does she is slurred, though it doesn't mask her excitement, and Suki's heart swells despite her amusement. "Babe! I thought you'd be tucked up all cosy in bed by now!"
"I probably should be," she says shrewdly. "Can you come to the door?"
"Um, give me a minute."
Suki rolls her eyes affectionately, shivering in the cool air as she waits. There's some clattering behind the door. It takes several seconds to open—no doubt the complicated locking mechanism is challenging in the current circumstances. But at last it does open, revealing Eve. She's lost her jacket, and she squints, doubtless in an effort to bring her into focus.
Grinning, Suki holds up the box. "Pizza delivery."
Eve's eyes widen comically. "Are you actually serious?"
"Yeah. Ordered from that new pizza place a few streets over. Take it in before it goes cold."
"I don't think I've ever loved you more," Eve gushes. Suki glances over her shoulder but the square is still and the house is silent. "And you're the hottest pizza delivery girl I've ever seen in my life. Why don't you come in a moment? I need to give you a tip."
The clumsy attempt at flirting makes her smirk, but she can't resist stepping over the threshold.
"If people saw," she murmurs, a throwback to that dinner so long ago, before either of them had got to grips with the chemistry that sizzled between them.
"Wait there," Eve says, turning in the direction of the sitting room. She smacks her hip into the door frame, then lurches forward, swearing. Suki shakes her head in tender exasperation, listening as she excitedly exclaims, "Oi, Stace, look what Suki's brought us!"
"Oh, is that pizza?" It's the most pleased Suki has ever heard Stacey sound in conjunction with her name. Small things, clearly.
"Yeah! Don't you go eating it all, I'll be back in a minute."
Stacey makes some kind of grunt—Suki can tell her mouth is already full. Eve bounds back out into the hallway, stumbling over her Converse. Suki reaches out to steady her, laughing. Eve's arms go around her waist at once, familiar, automatic.
"You're my saviour, you know that?" she mumbles. "I thought I was going to have to go to bed hungry."
"Well, I couldn't have that, could I?" Suki says, pushing an errant strand of her lover's hair behind her ear.
Eve's eyes half-lid with pleasure at the sensation. She lowers her voice to a whisper. "You're so good to me, you know."
Suki hums. "You're good to me too."
Eve somehow has the foresight to check over her shoulder, but the upstairs is still in silence, and the only light comes from the dim lamp in the room. Stacey is too preoccupied by the pizza to care where her wife has got to. She steps closer, moving to plant one forearm against the front door above Suki's head. Suki had slipped into her trainers just to cross the street, and she has to tilt her head slightly now to keep Eve's face in view. She's always secretly enjoyed the height difference, the feeling that, for the first time in her life, she has someone who would never use it as a power move, or to intimidate or exert control of a situation.
Unless it's the kind of control that she's very much into.
Eve leans in, her breath hot against her ear, and Suki feels the hot tremble of desire in her very veins, despite Eve's tipsiness, despite where they are.
"How about that tip?" her lover murmurs, and the tingles intensify. Suki bites her lip, a provocation, and the next moment Eve's mouth is on hers, her body impulsively pressing closer, barricading her deliciously against the hard wood of the front door. Her kiss tastes of an intoxicating combination of whiskey and wine, and Suki instinctively move her hands to Eve's hips to draw her even closer, relishing the sound of appreciation her lover makes in response. The kiss lacks the careful finesse that Eve is usually known for, technique blunted slightly by the alcohol, but it still gets Suki's heart racing, her blood thrumming. No one in the whole world could have this same effect on her. Eve is her soul mate, the one person she wants to spend the rest of her life with. Her everything.
"Oi, do you want me to throw that pizza back up?"
They spring apart at once at Stacey's loud voice behind them; Suki runs her thumb over her bottom lip, trying to compose herself, as if she hadn't just been caught kissing another woman in a darkened hallway. At least it's only Stacey, who already knows it all anyway, and who seems to live in a perpetual state of tired irritation at their sneaking around.
"Well, you shouldn't be lurking!" says Eve, regaining her composure. "It's your own fault if you saw something you didn't want to see. And it's hardly gonna scar you for life, Stace. It's two women kissing, not Freddie's foot antics. I walked in on you and Kheerat enough times."
"Thanks, Eve, but I'd rather not know those details about my son," Suki says. "Go and get that pizza before it goes cold. You'll be disappointed to miss out when you were in such a state about the last one."
"Why don't you come in?" Eve beseeches. "Just for five minutes. I'll even throw in a slice of pizza."
"You'll break her heart if you don't," Stacey advises. "She was supposed to be screening nice blokes for me but she kept getting distracted by how much she wanted to text you soppy stuff. I made her put her phone away."
"Well, I'm not really the right person to be asking about men, am I?" Eve argues. "The only six pack I'm interested in is one I can get from the shop. Unless it's on a beautiful woman. I could be persuaded to enjoy it then." She looks hastily at Suki. "Not that I ever would! Because I don't have eyes for anyone else but you. You're the love of my life, the person I've been searching for my entire existence. No one could ever come close."
"Okay, okay, I get it," says Suki, shaking her head at her lover's drunken ramblings, at her endearing attempts to rectify some perceived faux pas. Inside, her heart blooms with a warm, overwhelming affection, and tears threaten at the declaration. But she has a reputation of the unfeeling ice queen to uphold, and she isn't about to let Stacey Slater see her soft and open. "I'll come in for five minutes."
Eve's face lights up at that, and she moves to grab hold of her hand. Suki lets her, giving her fingers a squeeze as her lover pulls her down the hallway under Stacey's watchful stare. She moves aside to let them pass before following them in and moving to grab another slice of pizza.
Suki shakes her head at the sight that greets her. The sorry remains of the last pizza have been scraped from the floor and dumped on to plates, but the red smear of tomato sauce remains behind. Eve narrowly avoids stepping in it as she moves to collapse onto the sofa. Suki steps around the coffee table to take a seat at her side, grinning at the eagerness Eve shows at grabbing the first slice of pizza for herself.
Do you want a drink or summink?" Stacey asks her, moving towards the bar.
"No, thank you. Like I said, I'm not staying."
"We need more glasses," Stacey says, seemingly paying no attention. "Back in a minute." She stumbles out in the direction of the kitchen.
"I wish you would stay," Eve pouts.
"What, and give everyone living under this roof the fright of their lives strolling out of your room for breakfast? That's not the way I want people to find out about us."
"I know, I know," she sighs, reaching for another slice of pizza. Cheese oozes from it and lands on the floor with a plop. Eve ignores it. "I just…I can't wait for the day when I can be honest with everyone about how I feel. I can't wait to walk through the square holding your hand. I can't wait for the world to know how much I love you."
Suki squeezes her forearm. "One day they will, I promise. One day soon."
She can't pretend that the thought of coming out for the whole world to judge her doesn't still terrify her. The whispers that will follow her wherever she goes, the stares that will itch her skin like a rash. Everyone knowing such an intimate detail about her private life, when she has done so many hurtful things in the past, not least to her own daughter.
But the bigger part of her, the braver part, is finding it difficult to keep a lid on how she feels. How she wants to sweep Eve up into her arms whenever she sees her.
How she wants to hold her lover's hand in public, to kiss her in the middle of the bustling street and not care who might see them, because she's in love for the first time in her life, and she is happier than she could ever have imagined herself being, all thanks to one unapologetic woman who swaggered into her life, who challenged and charmed her, who made her see that if she only dared to breach the walls of the prison that she'd built around herself then she would be able to live the life that she'd never dared to breathe existence into.
A true, authentic reality, filled with the love and friendship and passion that she had always thought was just a fairy tale.
Before they tell anyone else, she needs her kids to know. They deserve to hear the truth from her, and not from the gossip on the street. She wishes that Kheerat could be here, to lessen the burden, to be her rock, as he always has been.
But Eve will be there, holding her hand, giving her strength. Giving her courage to face the truth head on.
Telling her kids is what terrifies her most of all. Yes, the reaction of the rest of the square might be daunting, but she can rise above that, pretend that none of it touches her. She's perfected the art of acting.
But she can't bear the thought of estranging her kids again. Of them hating her for living a lie, for the mask she's always presented them. She's terrified of having that conversation over the phone with Ash, unable to gauge her reaction, scared to face the rightful accusations of hypocrisy, the drudging up of old trauma that only she is responsible for. The awkwardness that could arise from the revelation that she has fallen in love with her daughter's old crush, another slap to the face. Especially if she knows how long the feelings have been there, the real truth behind Eve's rejection.
And then there's Vinny, the son she looked square in the eye and lied to about her future being with his father—even if, in that one brief moment, she had accepted the trap as her fate. And Vinny is smart enough to realise that the reason Eve knew so much about her feelings for someone else is because it was her all along, that they were carrying on underneath Nish's nose. He's no longer under his father's spell, but that doesn't mean that he won't be angry for the web of deceit that's been growing more matted around them for months.
"Suki? Hey, are you all right?"
Even drunk, Eve is always so perceptive when it comes to her emotions. Before, she had found it stifling, terrifying, that someone could see into the beating heart of her soul with no effort at all. Now it's one of the things that makes her feel most safe, knowing that for the first time in her life, she has someone who understands her.
"I'm fine," she promises now, leaning over to take one of the slices of pizza for herself just so she has something to occupy her hands. It's gooey and comforting in her mouth. She swallows, wipes grease from her chin. "Where's Stacey got to?"
Eve shrugs, disinterested. "I don't mind if she's missing for a bit longer. Means I get you all to myself. I had fun tonight, but I missed spending the time with you. I just want to be around you at any opportunity I get now that he's gone."
Suki smiles, reaching out to push Eve's hair back from her face again. "I know. I feel the same. We'll go somewhere this weekend, if you like, away from here, where we don't have to hide."
Eve brightens. "I like the sound of that. I treated my wife tonight, so I want to do the same for my girlfriend."
It still makes Suki's heart skip a beat to hear Eve refer to her like that so casually.
It's not a label she has ever dared to use aloud herself yet. Wonders if it's even a bit juvenile given their ages. But she'd tested it when she was alone, standing in front of the mirror in her room—my girlfriend, Eve Unwin—and the feeling of overwhelming giddiness that crashed over her had been impossible to hide; she'd grinned at her reflection, unguarded and untainted. Eve was her girlfriend.
"Well, I hope you have something a bit more upmarket than getting drunk in a bar in mind," she teases.
"Don't worry about that. I know your taste is more refined. I'll wine and dine you properly. And afterwards…"
Suki bites her lip at the seductive lilt in her lover's voice. "I can't wait."
"Neither can I," Eve says huskily. "Are you sure I can't tempt you to stay?"
"Nice try." Suki leans in to give her a quick peck, conscious that Stacey could reappear at any moment. "I'd better get going now. I've stayed longer than I should." She pauses, weighing up whether she should say it. Then decides: to hell with it. "Unless you want to spend the night at mine? Vinny's not there. You'll have to sneak out early to avoid being seen, but…" But she loves it when they get to spend the night tangled up together, Eve a warm, reassuring weight on the mattress beside her. She always sleeps better on those nights.
Eve's eyes light up. "I'd love nothing more." She stands, wobbles, then bends to pick up the final slice of the pizza, cramming it into her mouth. Her voice is muffled when she speaks again. "Let's go and tell Stace."
She managed to find her way to the kitchen without breaking her neck. Suki follows at a more sedate pace, and bites back a laugh at the sight before her.
Stacey Slater, sound asleep at the kitchen table, drooling slightly. The search for the clean glasses evidently came to a sudden end.
Eve rubs the back of her neck. "Never mind. I'll send her a text. She'll see it in the morning."
"And she's going to have one hell of a sore neck to go with the head if she's left like that," Suki observes.
"She'll be fine," Eve says. "That position will still be more comfortable than the digs we had in prison. Come on, let's go."
She grabs her jacket and pockets her keys, and takes Suki's hand once more, leading them back onto the square. She fumbles with locking the door, and Suki assists with an amused smile, slipping the keys into her own pocket.
"Come on," she laughs. "Watch your step. I don't want you tripping up and breaking your ankle."
"It wouldn't be so bad if I had you to nurse me back to health."
"I don't think we'd get away with that one. No, you'd have Jean pushing endless mugs of tea into your hands and Stacey's kids demanding your attention, and probably a healthy dose of disapproval from Stacey herself if you leave her to run the van all by herself. And I could hardly justify being round to see you all the time, could I?"
"You could be showing concern for a friend."
"With my stone cold heart? They'd wonder what had happened to the real me."
"No," Eve says quietly, "they'd be seeing the real you. The one who spent the last two years trying to keep me safe from harm and who brings me pizza when I'm drunk because I dropped it on the floor. That's the real you, Suki. And one day, when you're ready, you deserve to be loved and appreciated for who you really are, not the things you've done in the past to protect yourself."
Suki can only squeeze her lover's hand tighter in response. There's a lump in her throat, and she's afraid her voice would wobble if she tried to speak. It simply seems surreal how much her life has changed since Eve came to live in Walford. It's been a rocky journey, sometimes seeming doomed with no ending in sight, the pain of it all almost too much to bear, but the things she's said to Eve along the way…she has never been more sincere in anything. Eve has changed her. She is the best thing to ever happen to her.
She loves her. The one thing she has been certain about in a long, long time.
With Eve's support, patience, and understanding, she has slowly been able to come to terms with her true self. To accept that she is gay, to reconcile that with her faith and the expectations placed upon her in a time when she never even had the opportunity to question her sexuality. To become comfortable with the idea that she wants to spend the rest of her life with another woman. With Eve.
To one day have the courage to say that in front of the whole square, and allow herself to be happy.
They make it across the square, and Suki lets them into the house. Eve kicks off her Converse and hangs her jacket up by the door.
"Head on up," Suki says. "You know where to find your things. I'll bring you a glass of water and some Paracetamol. Something tells me you're going to need them."
Now that they are truly alone, with no possibility of anyone catching sight of them, she's the one step forward, to pull Eve into her arms. Her lover melts into the embrace at once, burying her face in the side of her neck, one hand automatically moving into the mess of curls that tumble down her back. Suki closes her eyes, breathing in the musk of her perfume, relishing the sensation of Eve's fingers idly playing with her hair. They are both equally infatuated with feeling the other's locks passing between their fingers; Suki loves it when the ends slip free and she's instead met with the warm, soft skin of the back of Eve's neck. It's her favourite like this; still short and shaped the back, but slightly longer at the front where strands of hair fall forward into her face. Suki loves that she is the only other person who can reach out and push them behind her ear. That she has intimate knowledge about this woman that no one else will ever have again, that the same is true in reverse.
She encourages Eve's head away from her shoulder, smooths her thumb over her bottom lip for a moment before leaning in to kiss her. It's soft and lingering, but she takes care to keep it chaste. Eve's in no real fit state for anything more than a cuddle in bed, no matter what she might proclaim to the contrary.
"Go on," she murmurs. "I'll be with you in a minute."
Eve nods, leaving her with one last kiss. Suki watches her wobble her way upstairs, clinging onto the bannister for dear life, then, satisfied that she isn't going to fall down and break her neck, heads to the kitchen for the water and pills. She listens to the sound of Eve creaking about above her head as she fills the glass, and she's hit all over again by the pang of longing that's growing harder and harder to ignore every time they're here together like this—which could never be often enough given that Vinny is home most days.
Shaking her head, she shuts off the water and treads the path upstairs. She finds Eve digging her things out of the wardrobe where they have been secreted away for times such as this. Suki places the glass on the bedside cabinet and crosses the room, wrapping her arms around her lover's middle and pressing her forehead between her shoulder blades.
"You're very affectionate this evening," Eve says in amusement, moving her own hands up to press over Suki's. "Are you sure you're not the one who's drunk?"
"Cheeky," Suki laughs. "Would you prefer it if I never showed you any affection?"
"Definitely not," Eve murmurs, turning in her arms and taking her face between her palms. They kiss again, before Suki slips free to change for bed. The ritual is comfortable and quiet. Dare she think it? Familiar. Safe. Suki no longer sees it as something she has to rush, feeling dirty beneath Nish's calculating eyes. She likes the way that Eve's gaze follows her around the room, the appreciative glint in her eyes that tells her she likes what she sees. She enjoys watching Eve in turn, those toned abs, the muscles in her biceps, the slim legs in those plain boy briefs.
But there is nothing charged or seductive tonight, just the comfort of established routine. When they're changed, they head for the bathroom, sharing the sink as they brush their teeth, elbows knocking, giving each other minty grins through the mirror.
And then it's time to crawl into bed. They peel back the covers and slip between them, finding their familiar sleeping positions. With Nish, Suki had always hated this part. When he was beside her she always slept fitfully, constantly aware of him being there. She'd tried to sleep on the edge of the bed as often as possible, had tried to keep him at arm's length by saying that she'd had twenty years sleeping alone to adapt to having space in the bed, but as was often the case with him, he rarely took any notice of her wants, sidling right up against her, trapping her in the circle of his arms.
"I've had twenty years to dream of this, Sukhwinder," he'd said. "Are you really going to deny me the joy of holding my wife in my arms?" A warning hidden in the smile. So, more often than not, she had been forced to lie there with him, claustrophobic and rigid, dreaming of the woman across the square who she'd been certain could never be part of her future.
But with Eve, oh, it's so different. Suki yearns for that closeness, for them to be tangled up together with no space between their bodies, for Eve's warm breath in her ear and their fingers laced. Their bodies yield to each other's, fit like pieces of a puzzle. If Eve doesn't hold her then Suki will spoon her instead, or else she'll rest her head against Eve's chest, letting the steady rise and fall lull her into a peaceful slumber. They just make sense in a world that is often chaotic.
"Soulmates," Eve had whispered to her once, under the cover of darkness, with nothing between them.
Suki has never been one for romantic fairy tales. The course her life had taken had forced her to be pragmatic, to abandon such ridiculous notions that love could fix anything. There had been no room for love in her life, except that of her children.
But Eve had proven her wrong. Had shown her that love was strong enough to overcome strife, that it could sustain them through the difficult times. That it was the answer in the blackest of periods, the only thing that had given her hope that she could find her way out of the darkness, the thing that had kept her strong when she had felt on the cusp of breaking.
She believes in love now. She believes that Eve is her soulmate.
She just believes in Eve.
Eve's breathing deepens behind her, and she begins to snore. Suki rolls her eyes affectionately. She always snores when she drinks too much. It looks like she won't be getting much sleep tonight after all.
She wouldn't change it for the world.