Across the Hatchetfieldverse

by authoranyaleigh

Alice Cooper thought the weirdest thing to ever happen would be that night in the park, but then she receives a cryptic email three days later. It's unnerving and out of her league, so she reaches out to someone else who was there that night...

Hey, this is Alice, Alice Cooper. I know you probably don't remember me, but I was that girl who was screaming her head off after that weird thing happened in the park three days ago, and then ran for the hills. Your sister goes to my school, and I might've gotten your number by asking her really nicely. Anyway, I'm texting about that weird thing that happened. Sorry for bolting, but I got really scared, and, well, um, since I don't really think it's a good idea for minors to smoke, I may have gotten really wound up and gone on my computer later than night and talked to one of those chat bots on a lawyer's website. I didn't think they'd actually contact me-but I don't think they did.

I can't tell my mom, 'cause she's too aloof to care, and I can't tell my dad, 'cause he'll freak and call the cops, and I don't know what to do, and you looked like you really knew what to do! Anyway, the screenshots of the email I got are right here. I don't know how they got my email-I didn't tell them anything! I'm not an idiot when it comes to internet safety and child predators. But-it's kind of creepy. Anyway.

To our valued client:

Every day, attorneys across the multiverse are swamped with cases pertaining to all sorts of disputes: child care, public fines, parking tickets, divorces, accidental killings, evictions, wrongful deaths, civic lawsuits—the list goes on and on. And you'd better believe that if you've got a unique case of any kind, it'll take years and years—maybe even decades—before you find the lawyer who can suit your needs. And if you've got too convoluted of a situation, so bad that not even the Unitary States Supremacy Court can handle, then it's off to the United Countries for deliberation. Can't be solved by the world's sixteen most powerful countries? Then you're out of luck, because there's no power higher than the whole world.

Or is there?

Hi, Gary Goldstein, attorney at law. Are you aware that we are living in a transdimensional universe in which multiple realities exist at different frequencies? I hope you have your identity in order! Get ready for alternates—alternate selves! Alternate locations! Alternate cute little coffeeshops! If you aren't sure who you are, where you are, what you are, and what you're doing, it's easy to get lost in a universe full of people who look exactly like you, except for minute details on the bottom of their backs.

I've attached an Informative FAQ and Graphic Sheet (IFAQGS) to avoid the email back-and-forth and help you assimilate to a higher level of knowledge. Please read every detail carefully and sign to indicate that you were provided with the IFAQGS and it is no one else's legal responsibility as to whether or not you abide by the principles therein.

You may be wondering how you ended up on this email list and be eagerly looking for the unsubscribe button. Rest assured of two key truths in this massive world of ours: first, every multidimensional person is entitled to remove any emails from their inbox, and it is illegal to coerce persons, animals, ethereal and ungodly dimensional creatures who crave chaos and extreme violence, or insects to be subscribed to an email list. Secondly, this is a response to a lawsuit you filed with the company indicated below:

GARRANGE & GOLDSTEIN, ATTORNEYS AT LAW: WORKMAN RIGHTS.

Your query has been directed to my office due to the inclusion of the following key terms:

·"Hatchetfield Aquarium"

·"more terrifying than a giant pufferfish"

·"if Grace Chastity raises her hand one more time in chemistry class, I'm shoving her on the Cyclone"

·"cozy little town of Hatchetfield"

·"blinking? a lot?"

·"sounded like a god"

·"said her name was El, like in that one TV show, god, I can't remember the name of it. You know the one? With the big plant monsters, and Kate Bush?"

Let the record show I did not cuss out a client comparing demigorgons to Audrey II.

Typically, one of our thousands of associates here at the Hatchetfield Office of Multidimensional Law (THOML) would refrain from contact, review your case, determine if your circumstances met our criteria, and send your paperwork to the appropriate office, but your case resembles another set of circumstances and required further inspection. Please see the query attached for the investigation. However, as spam emails tend to go and as the multidimensional sphere appears to be science fiction, I will provide meager context for why your input is of the utmost importance.

Our work at THOML lessens the amount of cases received by law offices which touch on the Black and White and certain canon events in the Hatchetfield Multiverse (see IFAQGS). The Artificial Intelligence system at THOML uses a web of signals through an outside dimension to connect with all other computer systems in Gary Goldstein offices. When a key word or phrase delineates a breach in the space-time continuum, our highly trained lawyers resolve the issue in the United Countries Court, which deals with both earthily and ethereal cases. Many issues are resolved quickly, for the legal system, and the client receives compensation, consolidation, or reality-altering therapy without their unduly knowledge. Given the abundance of Hatchetfields in the interdimensional sphere and the attention of certain beings on its coordinates, we here at THOML receive an immense amount of cases.

I will now disclose several cases which I am at liberty to discuss with the Receiving Party. Failure to carefully study and sign the NDA attached below will result in PEIP intervention. Any disclosure of these stories or the information contained in this email will result in legal action, up to and including life imprisonment.

One such case crossed our desks three months ago, that of one Ethan Green, from Hatchetfield #5679. I understand that an Ethan Green lives in Hatchetfield #200156 and has never dealt with this specific case. You would be mistaken in thinking that Ethan Green from Hatchetfield #5679 is the same as Ethan Green from Hatchetfield #200156, but you would also be mistaken in thinking that Ethan Green from Hatchetfield #5679 is a different entity than Ethan Green from Hatchetfield #200156. Both are renditions of the same DNA, but not in the way that twins share the same DNA. Take the capybara, the world's third largest rodent, after the porcupine and the Southern American Beaver. You're likely thinking now that the capybara is the largest rodent on earth, and you'd be correct, for Hatchetfield #200156. But here on Hatchetfield #5679, the porcupine weighs 2 pounds more on average, and the Southern American Beaver is four inches taller than the porcupine. The implications of this difference are immense, resulting in the law office contacting you today. Regardless, the capybaras in all Hatchetfields (or located in the southern hemisphere to your particular Hatchetfield) are of the same breed and species, but with slight differences in height, weight, and lunchtime preferences. So it is with every Ethan Green across Hatchetfields. The Ethan Green from Hatchetfield #200156 dropped out of Hatchetfield High School at the end of ninth grade, so your recollection of his person is likely slim. In Hatchetfield #5679, where Walt Disney was hit by a truck early on in his career, Ethan Green was enrolled at Hatchetfield High School until eleventh grade. In the summer of his eleventh grade year, which corresponds to our present, he was detained for public defecation and used his one phone call to contact the Jerry Goldstein Law Office for Parks and Recreation Infringements, at which point his query was directed to us. After a brief investigation, we determined that this case did not infringe upon the space time continuum and allowed the communication to continue to the appropriate law office on Hatchetfield #5679. You may be wondering, did Ethan Green actually shit in Hatchetfield Public Park, and if so, do you have footage of that? The THOML has no business knowing about Ethan Green from Hatchetfield #5679's business, only that his conflict will not attract the forces of darkness to his reality. We are not at liberty to disclose multimedia elements at this time.

Another easily dismissible case is that of Sherman Young on Hatchetfield #108. Since you are a teenage girl living in Hatchetfield, you are well aware of Sherman Young, the town creep, and have likely been hit on this, and I quote the subject in question, "nice guy." In Hatchetfield #108, Sherman Young is no different; he joined a cult at the Hatchetfield Mall in January of Hatchetfield 108's 2005, was arrested for public profanity, then released when he claimed insanity. Upon arriving to the parking lot, Sherman Young discovered his car was covered in seagull feces despite Hatchetfield's relative distance from any lake, ocean, pond, underground cave, or puddle. He contacted Gary Goldstone, Your Friendly Neighborhood Lawyer Law Office, claiming he had been victimized by the police force while detained inside the mall. His query was pinged to THOML offices due to his description of his car as such: "black and white all over!" After a brief investigation, our staff released his case back to Hatchetfield #108's appropriate lawyer.

Clients may have a viable case which will result in compensation on their Hatchetfield, but the business of THOML is to determine liability in the interdimensional sphere. Grievances concerning "Canon Events" are identified and dealt with by THOML in the legal sphere and PEIP on the ground. PEIP, which may or may not exist and we are not at liberty to disclose that information, uses information gathered by our office to inform their investigation and stop worldwide catastrophes on a daily basis. When Canon Events occur and are reported, THOML investigates thoroughly to ensure events proceed as necessary, and recommends forces when certain events do not present themselves. Some cases are not strictly Canon Events but involve known interdimensional forces which we find necessary to monitor activities of.

Some Canon Events are easier dealt with than not. For example, on Hatchetfield #20087, Thomas Houston turned to legal action after General John McNamera offered his firearm to a minor, the minor in question being Hannah Foster. However, in order for dimensions to be secure, General John McNamera must offer his firearm to one individual over the course of apocalyptic events. As such, THOML collaborated with Hatchetfield #20087's PEIP to determine appropriate punishment for General John McNamera, as he knowingly upheld the timeline yet chose Hannah Foster as his subject. And certainly, some Hatchetfields and duplicates submit cases at a higher frequency. Linda Monroe, for example, submits a case every two weeks—per Hatchetfield—and half of her cases are pinged to THOML. Our office receives an average of 250 queries from Linda Monroes daily. Nearly all do not interfere with Canon Events, except for a case on Hatchetfield #26, in which her son, River Monroe, was wrongfully killed during an extraterrestrial invasion of reddish octopus-like aliens. While River Monroe is not determined to survive each Hatchetfield occurrence, his death was determined to be wrongful and excessive on the part of forces at work; the settlement resulted in his resurrection with minor disabilities in his speech and gestures.

Other Canon Events are black and white, however. Take Hatchetfield #1000, in which Hannah Foster filed wrongdoing after an interdimensional superbeing named Pokey decimated her entire earth, yet left her alive due to an alliance with lesser interdimensional beings. She filed her own suit, since the roof was partially collapsed due to acid rain and a now-uneven foundation allowed her to enter the Goldstein Office on Hatchetfield #1000. After a thorough investigation which gratefully evaded Pokey's attention, the council determined that all Canon Events had been upheld and would not have been upheld should others have survived, namely Hannah Foster's loved ones. The turning point in the case was the Canon Event that General John McNamera must give his life in the line of duty, with no guarantee that the Hatchetfield will be saved. General John McNamera detonated a building with several survivors inside, destroying Pokey's main base and causing their retreat. The rest of the planet had already been turned to ash, but General John McNamera's survival would have destroyed the whole universe and cause ripple effects throughout the interdimensional sphere. So, despite the unfortunate situation and Hannah Foster's response to THOML's denial of her claim, nothing could be done.

Few claims are so deadly. Many duplicates are predisposed to abide by interdimensional Canon Events, and in even fewer cases are apocalyptic events brought to THOML's attention. However, every case reviewed is a multidimensional sphere saved. A Pete on Hatchetfield #89910 complaining that his hot chocolate has still not been delivered after what feels like five years may seem trivial, but houses the Canon Event that coffeeshops in Hatchetfield must have terrible service. A Professor Hidgens on Hatchetfield #102 filing suit against a theater company who refuses to put on his production "Working Boys" will be denied, since it violates the Canon Event that Professor Hidgens must be a biology professor, but THOML will ensure that he receives the appropriate copyright and retains rights for his original work. THOML is skilled at determining what to do in specific situations to uphold timelines yet ensure all Hatchetfield citizens are treated according to their dimension's Constitution. Because Hatchetfield is a town full of red-blooded Americans who have nothing to do with injustice. At all.

This brings us to the nexus. Three days ago in our time, one of our associates recommended a unique case to me. It involved a duplicate not unknown to us, but rarely seen. Cornwallis of Hatchetfield #47008981 reported that the interdimensional being known as Blinky kidnapped his wife, Eleanor Dickrats-Lobster, as they found no body after the accident, and he can still hear her voice when he taps into the Black and White. Two terms must be elaborated on here. First, Hatchetfields are identified by their relative distance from one another in the interdimensional sphere. Doors to the Black and White appear in relation to the Hatchetfield's distance from each other, so a canal on Hatchetfield #306 will appear closer to a door on Hatchetfield #557 than a door from Hatchetfield #1009. Similarly, though the interdimensional beings can travel great distances, they typically reveal themselves and interact with dimensions between #-2005 and #100096. Cornwallis of Hatchetfield #47008981 is hugely unlikely to interact with any interdimensional being, and the canon on that Hatchetfield should proceed as usual. Not to mention, Cornwallis lived from that Hatchetfield's 1791-1887, underwater, not even in Hatchetfield. Secondly, certain individuals possess the ability to tap into the Black and White. They must be called by other beings in the Black and White and respond; then, it is their ability, much like riding a bike, or crocheting a simple sock.

Your query, while it does not violate Canon Events, is of interest. You reside on Hatchetfield #4700780, remarkably close to the Cornwallis in question, and we here at THOML have reason to believe that the individual you encountered may be the Eleanor Dickrats-Lobster referenced in the paragraph above. However, THOML upper management would like to confirm the identity o the individual in question before informing the appropriate authorities.

Please respond to the questions below and provide the appropriate signatures.

3 ATTACHMENTS – SIGNATURE REQUESTED

Att. 1 – IFAQGS

Informative Fill and Answer Question and Graphic Sheet (SIGNATURE REQUESTED)

By United Countries Chairman Ted Miller

You keep saying multidimensional. Don't you mean parallel universes, or alternate universes?

No. We don't. They're dimensions. Get over it.

How many dimensions are there?

Okay, genius, how many layers of water are there in the ocean, huh? It's different, right, you cockroach idiot. Why don't you go to the little blip of air over the Marina Trench and ask them how many molecules of water are between you and the center of the earth? It's always changing, always churning, with dimensions beginning and ending with the flick of a switch. Let's say you go on a nice beach trip with your Grandma, huh? She packed you a nice lunch, with a turkey sandwich and mozzarella cheese. You know who else loves mozzarella cheese? LOBSTERS! So all those lobsters march up to the land and pinch at your toes and call you a cotton headed ninny muggings, and you start crying, in front of your sweet, sweet grandma, and she turns and leaves the beach with a huff in her step, leaving you stranded in Fort Lauderdale. So you decide there's nothing left for you on this godforsaken planet and throw yourself into the ocean. But you know what? The water churning you to a watery grave isn't the same from when you arrived! It doesn't know that the lobsters called you a ninny and you lost the only thing that mattered to you! That turkey sandwich is being enjoyed by a bunch of crustaceans who don't even appreciate the thick layers of mayonnaise, because it got whisked away by ANOTHER DIMENSION'S WATER! So quit asking for 'a hitchhiker's guide to Hatchetfield multiverse' because I don't got time to draw up a new one EVERY THREE NANOSECONDS!

Don't you mean Mariana Trench?

Shut up, shut up, shut up, get in the trash can, and get shipped to Australia, with the rest of nature's rejects.

What is the Black and White?

Hell if I know.

How did you even get elected?

I have everything an American politician needs—brains, brawn, good looks, a thirst for blood, and incredible aim. Also, there's no elections in this dimension. I was born into power.

Who are you descended from?

You may ask a question that I choose not to answer.

Are you quoting Pride and Prejudice?

Wh—no, that's Bugs Bunny. Useless. You think I'm gonna quote some chick flick in a government document, like some kind of sissy?

Where are the graphics?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Is…therapy provided, or something?

Go find the Professor Hidgens in your universe and cry into his shoulder. He's hot and can sympathize with your whole plant-people situation.

PLEASE SIGN TO INDICATE THAT THE IFAQGS WAS PROVIDED AND EITHER REVIEWED OR DEEMED UNNECESSARY BY THE RECEIVING PARTY.

Signature _

Typed or Printed Name _ Date: _

Att. 2 – Nondisclosure Agreement (SIGNATURE REQUESTED)

This Nondisclosure Agreement (the "Agreement") is entered into by and between The Hatchetfield Office of Multidimensional Law with its principal offices at Hatchetfield #4116 ("Disclosing Party") and Alice Woodward located at Hatchetfield #4700780 ("Receiving Party") for the purpose of preventing the unauthorized disclosure of Confidential Information as defined below. The parties agree to enter into a confidential relationship with respect to the disclosure of certain proprietary and confidential information ("Confidential Information").

of Confidential Information. The Receiving Party will not disclose any Confidential Information which was received during interactions with The Disclosing Party. (1) For the purposes of the Agreement, "Confidential Information" refers to the existence of the Disclosing Party, any written communication between the Disclosing Party and the Receiving Party, interviews within any specialized government organizations that may or may not exist, details regarding extraterrestrials and interdimensional beings, history regarding canon events, and applicable individuals. (2) Assets which fall under "Confidential Information" further includes latitude, longitude, and continuum to Headquarters at Hatchetfield #4116; the THOML Handbook to Multidimensional Travel; and the Black & White Canon Constitution (BWCC).

from Confidential Information. The Receiving Party retains the right to disclose information regarding their independent situation, given that the disclosure does not reference the existence of canon events, encourage the Listening Party to pursue the Black Book or other interdimensional literature and knowledge, or imply that canon events can be changed. The Receiving Party is not required to retain Confidential Information and is entitled to pursue legal compensation for any lasting conditions caused by stress either on the plain between space and time or as a result of extensive knowledge.

of Receiving Party.Receiving Party shall hold and maintain the Confidential Information in strictest confidence for the sole and exclusive benefit of the Disclosing Party. Receiving Party shall carefully restrict access to Confidential Information to employees, contractors and third parties as is reasonably required and shall require those persons to sign nondisclosure restrictions at least as protective as those in this Agreement. Receiving Party shall not, without the prior written approval of Disclosing Party, use for Receiving Party's own benefit, publish, copy, or otherwise disclose to others, or permit the use by others for their benefit or to the detriment of Disclosing Party, any Confidential Information. Receiving Party shall return to Disclosing Party any and all records, notes, and other written, printed, or tangible materials in its possession pertaining to Confidential Information immediately should Disclosing Party requests it in writing.

Periods. Termination of this Agreement does not occur when the Receiving Party dies on any material plane, with the exception of Hatchetfield #103, and the Receiving Party will be held legally accountable for any information disclosed when their essence is contained in the Black and White. The Receiving Party retains the right to denounce PEIP and THOML in private and with individuals bound by an NDA or a similar agreement prohibiting the distribution of information in public. Upon the eventual heat death of the universe and THOML and PEIP's subsequent demise, the Agreement is terminated.

. The Receiving Party cannot, under any circumstances, add any individuals or groups to the Receiving Party without express consent of the Disclosing Party. Breach of this clause will result in immediate and definite legal action, should the forces of darkness not get to the Receiving Party first.

. Breaching the Agreement is punishable by life imprisonment on Earth #415. Infractions will be dealt with on a case by case basis, as evaluated by omnipotent beings and/or artificial intelligence, as scheduling allows.

. This Agreement expresses the complete understanding of the parties with respect to the subject matter and supersedes all prior proposals, agreements, representations, and understandings. This Agreement may not be amended except in a writing signed by both parties.

.The failure to exercise any right provided in this Agreement shall not be a waiver of prior or subsequent rights.

of Immunity. Compliance with this Agreement does not bind the Receiving Party to Hatchetfield #4116, the United Countries Council, or edicts originating from other Hatchetfield dimensions.

This Agreement and each party's obligations shall be binding on the representatives, assigns and successors of such party. Each party has signed this Agreement through its authorized representative.

DISCLOSING PARTY

Signature _

Typed or Printed Name _ Date: _

RECEIVING PARTY

Signature _

Typed or Printed Name _ Date: _

Att. 3 – Questionnaire – RESPONSE REQUESTED

1. Did the 'El' in question bear a striking resemblance to anyone you know?

2. Was the subject wearing or smelling of the 1800s?

3. Are you opposed to interdimensional transportation for further inquiry?

4. Are you aware of the Watcher with a Thousand Eyes? Have they made contact with you? Have they made contact with you? Have they made contact with you? Are you compromised? Are you in a safe location? Are you safe? Can you see him? Can you see him? Can you see him? Can you see him? Can you see him?

Thank you for using the Hatchetfield Office of Multidimensional Law for all your legal needs. Feel free to reach out with any questions.

Gary Goldstein, PhD

Attorney at Law

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!