NOTE

Warning for negative thoughts, and a brief reference to miscarriage.

43. Breathe

Poppy had waited up, as she'd promised. She was reading a book, her legs crossed and her feet up on her desk. I'd hidden the turmoil deep inside on my way to the hospital wing, but it was impossible to completely conceal the fact that I'd been crying. Poppy noticed, and was especially gentle with me, but didn't ask questions.

She did the examination quickly, and wrote the necessary letter to the Ministry. "I'll send it off tomorrow morning," she said.

"Thank you. Good night."

"Do you need anything, dear?"

I looked at her blankly for a moment, my mind taking too long to process her words. I felt the ghost of a smile attempt to tug up the corners of my lips. "No, thank you," I said. "Good night."

I went back to the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom, and started a fire to keep the room warm. I was in the shower when the main effects of the potion began to wear off. There was an aching sensation inside of me, which reminded me painfully of my night with Lucius. Terror awakened in my body as the fog of the potion cleared. Now that my memories were accessible, I was able to understand why I'd been so frightened when I was with Severus.

The very sensation of having been penetrated was overwhelming, and sent me back to my night of misery in Number Twelve Grimmauld Place, before Severus had arrived and so selflessly taken care of me. I prayed that he would stay away tonight–I couldn't bear the thought of him thinking my pain was his fault.

I felt disgusted with myself, especially because of the way I'd run away from him, when he was being so considerate. I should have stayed with him, let him comfort me in whatever way he could. But I'd been incapable. I felt sure that Severus wouldn't be too eager to be intimate with me again, after I'd suddenly pushed him away, then denied him emotional closure.

As the hot water rolled over my skin, I remembered how intense it had been. My body had been deeply aroused by his touch. I realised that I'd been full of need, full of longing to be held since Remus had left. Severus had given me so much of himself, and it had been impossible to resist letting go a little.

Now I felt a paralysing guilt, however. I had allowed myself to be very affectionate with Severus, an affection I didn't think I genuinely felt. I didn't know if it had been the same for him, but the gentleness he'd demonstrated, and the desire, if real, were extremely confusing given his usual behaviour.

Unbidden, the memory of making love with Remus under this same stream of water floated forward in my mind. What would Remus think, if he returned to find that I was with Severus? It was not as though I could simply go back to him, now that Severus had annulled his marriage to Frederica.

Shame made my body shiver. I shouldn't have such thoughts. Severus had been so generous. I should be content, and hated that I wasn't.

I cried until my head ached. At long last I stepped out of the shower. I was still sniffling, but at least not sobbing. I dried myself with my wand, which seemed just as torn and tormented as I was, and put on my dressing gown.

Sleep wasn't appealing at the moment, so I went out into the classroom to do some reading by the fire. I sat in a chair with Moste Potente Potions on my knee, trying to distract myself. But the grisly illustrations only served to deepen my anxiety.

My neck weakened and my head fell back slightly as I recalled the desire which had mastered me in Severus's bed. In frustration I threw the book aside. Tears sprang into my eyes again and I put my head in my hands. I shouldn't be feeling this way–not when I still loved Remus.

There was a knock on the door, and I knew for certain that it was Severus. My skin burned at the thought of him standing just outside. I felt the beginnings of another fit of sobbing and covered my mouth, not wanting him to hear, not wanting him to enter.

A moment passed and then, to my surprise, he opened the door himself. I quickly stood from the chair and hid from him in the shadows outside of the firelight, wrapping my arms around myself. I had to get myself under control. Behind me I heard the sound of something being set down. I sensed his presence as he walked slowly closer.

"Wilma."

My body shuddered involuntarily at the sound of my name on his lips. His voice was gentle, but demanding. I wanted to obey it, and was confused by this instinct which felt so unlike me. I shook my head, seeing him in my peripheral vision but refusing to look at him.

He was almost touching me now, his arms offering themselves. His voice remained commanding, but soft. "Let me help you. Let me help."

I tensed as he embraced me, resisting for a moment. But then my defences crumbled and I wrapped my arms around him, allowing myself to cry. Gratitude flooded my veins, and I went limp as he held me protectively. He had come to me, despite what I had done.

I gave my body to him again, somehow more intimately than I had done downstairs, as I allowed him to pick me up and carry me to the chair by the fire. He sat down in it, still cradling me, hushing me gently as I struggled through my tears.

"Breathe," he urged, his hand resting on my belly.

Air finally flowed into my lungs, but having his hand there made me think of the miscarriage. Soon I was only crying harder, releasing my ugly sobs into his chest. He was speaking to me, but I couldn't hear his words. I only felt the deep vibrations of his voice spreading over and through me.

It was a long time before I came back to myself. Severus was embracing me tightly to his chest, and my breathing had gradually synchronised with his. I looked over at one of the classroom desks and saw that he had brought me a cup of tea, and a book. Probably The Iliad.

Severus looked down into my face, seeing that I had become coherent.

"Was it the potion?" he asked. I realised for the first time that he looked extremely guilt-ridden.

My hand searched for his and found it, grasping it tightly. "No," I said, desperately wanting to erase the pain from his eyes. "The potion was working."

His hand gripped mine in return, but with reluctance. "Was it something I did?"

"No," I said firmly. Tears welled in my eyes, but I kept them from running. "I'm sorry," I breathed. "I'll be better next time."

I was a bit startled when he suddenly held me away from him. "Listen to me," he demanded, with a slight shake of my shoulders. I obeyed, wide-eyed. There was an anger in his expression which was so strong that, momentarily, I believed it was directed towards me. Then he softened again, seeming to remember himself. His grip loosened, and he caressed my face. "You did nothing wrong."

The look in his eyes made me understand something, then. It was one of those lightning-flash realisations, and it explained everything about his changeful behaviour.

But in the next second it was gone, and I couldn't even remember what I had been thinking of.

I felt a deep and bewildering urge to kiss him, and pressed my face into his chest as I began to cry again, very weakly now. He held me, keeping me from drowning in my own confusion. I let my arms reach up and wrap around his neck as he rocked me gently.

I was growing exhausted, and remembered that an aftereffect of the potion had been to help me fall asleep. I sensed the magic slowing in my veins, and almost nodded off. Severus stood, the steadiness of his arms never abating, and I was speechless as he carried me into the bedroom. He sat on the edge of the bed, still hugging me against his body.

"May I stay with you?" he asked.

"Yes," I said, and heard a note of my own panic. I clung to him, feeling out of control as I slid towards sleep. "Please– Please don't go."

His voice was dark with pain, and a desperation I didn't understand. "I won't. I'm staying right here."

It was a promise. And a feeling of solace and love came over me, so deep that it numbed me as I faded away.