NOTE

Warning: Severus is a bit of an arse in this one.

45. Apothecary

Severus's mood only soured after I returned from Teddy's party. Every encounter with him became increasingly exhausting. I had vowed to be open with him, to try to let him care for me. But Severus seemed to have forgotten to hold up his end of the promise.

He was as irritable and domineering as he had been before the war, seeming to inexplicably blame me for some inner private pain which he would not reveal.

It was no help that I felt hot whenever I was around him. His silences only made my body more aware of his, and I always wound up pulling my hair in frustration once I was alone.

I felt like a fool for hoping that his attitude would begin to reflect his behaviour in bed. Of course he'd wanted to be gentle with me, knowing what I'd been through, and to make it easier for us both. But he was clearly incapable of expressing to me what he had expressed with his body in any other way.

I still caught small occasional glimpses of the Severus I desired behind his relentless bad temper. The Severus who had held me so gently, who had shed a tear when I'd seen his scars.

As the middle of the month approached, I noticed him watching me rather intensely at breakfast time. I realised after three days of this that he was waiting to see if I was nauseous–if I was pregnant. His eyes revealed nothing about how he felt about the possibility, which only made me fear it more. I uneasily counted down the days to when my cycle was meant to start.

It was heavily raining on the day we apparated to the lakes to visit Severus's preferred apothecary. I let go of his arm the moment we arrived, unable to bear touching him. It was a tiny hamlet, old houses among lush hills at the tip of a long, narrow lake. I held my cloak over my head to keep off the rain as I followed him down a long pathway towards a house with a thatched roof.

Severus knocked three times on the door and a wizened man answered it.

"Severus," the man said, bowing his head slightly as he opened the door wide for us to enter.

I looked around at the walls, which were covered in shelves of every strange ingredient imaginable. Most of it I'd never seen before, and must have come from places far away from Britain.

"Hieronymus," Severus said. "Allow me to introduce my wife. She is taking over my post as Potions Master at Hogwarts."

For a moment I glanced wide-eyed at Severus. He'd never referred to me as his wife before, and my heart gave a shameful and unpleasant start when he did.

"My name is Wilma," I said quickly, offering Hieronymus my hand. He looked at it for a moment as though to inspect it before shaking it.

"A pleasure to meet you, Mrs. Snape," he said respectfully.

"Wilma is fine," I emphasised.

"Would you show her around, please, whilst I attend to my own business?" Severus requested.

"Happy to, Sir."

Severus turned to me with a curt look that seemed to say behave yourself, before turning and disappearing amidst the small dark corners of the shop.

"Follow me, Mrs. Snape," said Hieronymus.

Perhaps when I inevitably visited on my own I would succeed in making him call me by my first name. But I sensed that while Severus was about, it would be impossible. Hieronymus clearly deferred to him.

I was keenly aware of Severus's location in the shop as Hieronymus showed me all there was to see. I felt my blood simmering at how he had spoken, and how he had looked at me. He easily could have introduced me only as the new potions professor, but instead he had introduced me first as his wife. Through the haze of my spite it felt as though he'd done so on purpose, so Hieronymus would see me as Severus's inferior.

Hironymus finished showing me around at about the same time that Severus was ready to purchase what he'd found.

"Thank you, Hieronymus," I said, needing to step out.

"You are welcome, Mrs. Snape," he said.

The fresh air was a relief as I walked around the side of the shop into the muddy alleyway. I leaned against the wall and pressed my palm towards my desperate heartbeat. I rarely allowed myself to feel the depth of my anger, but in this moment I truly loathed him. That aloof air in which he'd said my wife.

He emerged a minute later with a brown paper package under his arm.

"Are you going to be ill?" he said sharply, seeing that I was slightly hunched over.

"No," I growled.

"Are you certain?"

"Yes." I glared at him briefly, and internally kicked myself. That one look alone was enough to give him an excuse for his own attitude. He held out his arm as though I were a child having a temper tantrum.

"I can apparate on my own, thanks very much," I said. I'd been forgiving enough to take his offered arm back at the castle. But I was no longer in the mood to please him.

His expression was darkly triumphant. "As you wish," he said, and disapparated.

I waited another minute, letting the rageful pulsing of my wand die down before apparating myself. I landed near the Shrieking Shack, and walked back to Hogwarts, pulling myself together bit by bit.

My relief was boundless when my cycle began on time. The first day was always very painful, so to distract myself from the cramps I went out after breakfast to fly. I stayed out until early afternoon, walking in the hills, and arrived back at the castle just after two o'clock. I was still hurting, and I grumbled irritably to myself as I walked in from the broomshed.

My hand was pressed to my abdomen when I walked up the stairs to come face to face with Severus. He was approaching from the other end of the corridor and I figured he was on his way from the library to the dungeons. His eyes flicked down to my hand before I could move it, and then returned to my face. I couldn't read his expression, but figured there was some measure of relief in it.

I forced my grimace to relax. I would suffer my way through this interaction, and then have a shower.

"I could give you something," Severus offered, clearly meaning a potion for the pain.

I was startled to hear this small kindness from him, but remained wary, expecting some hidden unpleasantness. "No, thank you," I said. "I'll handle it."

When he next spoke, my suspicions were validated.

"Where do you go, when you fly?"

His tone was critical. I was yet again resentfully impressed by how quickly his attitude could change.

"Just around," I said.

His chin moved slightly downward. "Just around," he echoed, doubtingly.

"Yes."

"You go out often, don't you."

"I suppose."

I began to walk away, but he stopped me with his voice.

"I don't believe it's safe for you to roam around alone."

I actually ran my fingers through my hair in agitation as I turned. "Please don't do this now," I said, and then continued on my way. This time he pursued me.

"It's not safe," he demanded, his tone harsh.

I stopped again and faced him. "We're not at war anymore, Severus."

"I'm well aware of that, but that does not mean your behaviour is wise. Have you forgotten the existence of the shapeshifters?"

I looked at him searchingly, trying to see if he'd meant it cruelly. "No," I said. "Of course I haven't. But I'm fully capable of resisting the temptation. There's no reason to worry about me."

He scoffed. "That remains to be seen."

His voice was as scathing as it had ever been. In his eyes I saw reflected all of the times he had happened upon me when I'd been helpless. He was looking at me like I was a child in his charge, who continuously ran towards trouble. I felt my eyes watering with anger.

"You're being a real prick, d'you know that?"

A look of cold fury crossed his face as he reached forward and took me by the wrist. I drew my head back as he pulled my arm towards his chest, his eyes storming.

"Don't. Tempt. My hand."

My face was as still as death, my heart bathed in paralysing rage. I honestly could not believe that he'd threatened to strike me.

"Let go," I said, very calmly. "This isn't you."

"How do you know," he said bitterly. His voice was raised and I felt my eyelids flutter slightly from the sound. He twisted my wrist and I winced. But I didn't let the looming fear take me over. This was an empty pantomime of violence. He wasn't really going to hurt me.

"I've seen your tenderness," I said. "Why do you insist on hiding it away? Or is it honestly so difficult to maintain?"

I knew I was in dangerous territory, allowing my words to sting him on purpose, but I felt no guilt. I spoke the truth. He twisted my hand harder but I forced myself not to react.

For a moment we stood there without saying a word, his eyes fierce and dark. Despite his roughness, as I looked into them, I was overtaken by a wave of empathy.

"Severus," I said. "I'm not one of them." With my free hand I touched his left arm gently, pressing the place where his scar was, so that he would know my meaning. "You won't be punished for being good."

Some of the hatred had gone from his eyes, and in its place was something like numbness. "You know nothing," he said.

"Then tell me."

I looked at him imploringly, feeling his grip on my wrist loosen. I believed for a moment that he might finally make a kind of confession which would explain why he'd been relentlessly torturing my emotions. Instead, he wrenched himself away and stormed down the corridor, turning the first corner. I looked after him, holding my wrist.

Minerva announced to us all in the great hall that in a week's time, Hogwarts would be opening to welcome the parents of returning and first-year students. There had been concerns that, after the war, the castle would not be a safe place. She thought that to offer a tour and introductions to the professors would be fitting to ease the parents' worried minds. All of the Hogwarts professors, who weren't too far away for the summer holidays, would be coming to the school for one day to answer questions and show the parents through the classrooms.

I felt nervous as the shadow of the looming school year fell over me. Now not only did I have to worry about handling students and lessons for the first time, but I also had Severus to contend with. If we didn't find a way to cooperate soon, I had little faith in my ability to keep my head on straight.

"We need to sort out our bedrooms," I said to him, after the announcement was over. I took a blunt and unemotional approach, hesitant to be open after he'd grabbed me in the corridor. "It wouldn't be exactly convenient for each of us to be sleeping where the other has their office, would it?"

"I would prefer to keep my room," Severus said sharply.

I'd thought he might see the sense in my proposition, but wasn't going to push. It was understandable that he would want to remain where he'd resided for many years.

"Fine," I said, my tone admitting that I hadn't been as considerate as I could have been. Still, I couldn't help but throw in some sharpness of my own. "I'd prefer to keep mine."

The weekend arrived, and I prepared myself to go to Hunston and watch Teddy while Andromeda had a night to herself.

"I'm leaving. I'll be back next morning," I informed Severus, in the entryway after breakfast.

"Where are you going?"

"To spend time with Teddy," I said honestly.

The corner of his mouth twitched downward. "I don't blame you for escaping me," he said, his drawling tone obliterating any genuine emotion his words might otherwise have conveyed. "But I would prefer it if you admitted that's what you're doing."

"I'm not escaping you," I said dismissively, and opened the door.

His voice came, half-muttered, from behind me. "You're leaving rather frequently for that to be true."

I wheeled around, but bit back the urge to challenge him, to list all the ways he made himself intolerable to be with. I looked at him evenly for a moment before I went out the door. "Stop pushing me away, then."