NOTE

Content warning: this chapter will include the dissection of an animal. It is not too explicit, but if this would be distressing for you, skip from "I nodded my understanding, and he began," to "When he was finished, he set aside his instruments and cleaned his hands." There are a few brief references to the body and blood of the animal after that, but nothing explicit.

48. Dissection

Severus came back to Hogwarts one night later. I was preparing for bed when I saw the small dot that indicated his presence, sitting still within the confines of his office.

My heart thudded with equal parts relief and apprehension. Clearly he wanted his return to be secret for the moment, so I did not even consider going down to see him. I would have to wait until morning. If it hadn't been for my Dreamless Sleep potion–which I had continued to take nightly–I would not have been able to get a wink all night. With its help, though, I woke the next morning well rested.

He came to the doorway of the great hall at nine o'clock, halfway through breakfast. I'd been watching the entrance in my peripheral vision since my arrival, and turned at once when I noticed him.

His eyes found mine the next instant, and then lowered. I could see that he was not going to enter without some kind of invitation. I beckoned to him, but he did not see. He had, in fact, stepped out of view again.

"Excuse me," I said to Minerva and Sybill, who had both noticed the very obvious change in me, and had also seen Severus.

I stood from the table and went to the doorway. He was still there, standing near the suits of armour. He did not speak, or lift his eyes. His entire body remained in the posture it had been in when I'd seen him in his home two days before. He seemed beaten down and exhausted, and deeply ashamed. I felt my insides grow still; I had never seen him quite like this.

After a painfully silent moment, he lifted his eyes. They were black and impossible to fully penetrate, but I could clearly see the guilt behind them.

I knew he might have apologised to me then, but I was glad that he did not. I didn't want words. I wanted him to show me.

"Come on," I said, after a moment. "Come and eat; you must be hungry."

I went to him and took his arm. After a few steps he freed himself gently, but continued to follow after me. We walked down the length of the table to our usual seats. Neville was glaring at Severus and seemed about ready to stand, but Luna put her hand on his shoulder and he kept still.

"Good morning Severus," Minerva greeted, a certain reservation in her tone. I looked at her, trying to relay with my eyes that she did not need to intervene. She understood, and returned to her breakfast and her conversation with a very wide-eyed Sybill.

Severus ate very slowly, and I could tell that–as I had suspected–he had been taking very poor care of himself in his isolation. I knew it was unhealthy to be in the same space, or to interact at all without discussing what had happened between us. But I was too afraid of bringing up the argument again–the mere thought of it made me sick. I wanted so badly for it not to have happened, and that desire made me try very hard to ignore it.

Hagrid soon arrived with his wolves, a welcome distraction. The little one came directly to me, as it had come to do every morning. It looked a bit intimidated by Severus, though, and stopped to look at him with wary eyes.

"It's okay," I consoled the wolf, and leaned over to pick it up from the flagstone floor. It sat in my lap and I rubbed between its ears until it was calm. Severus appeared pained by its presence, but his expression was not judgemental. He looked at the fox steadily. "Want to hold him?" I ventured, not sure how to respond to his silence. He shook his head.

"Shall we go to the forest today?" I asked him when the meal was over.

"Yes," he answered. His voice was unusually quiet and reserved.

It was a fine day so we walked directly out of the castle. I realised that the little wolf was trailing me, and the mother was following after. "The little one loves ye, Wilma," Hagrid said, noticing how comfortable the baby wolf seemed with me. I glanced at Severus to see if he would react, but couldn't read him. His shield was up once more. It was not an angry one, but its neutrality was equally impossible to see past.

Just as well, I thought to myself, a bit sadly.

The little one followed us all the way into the beginnings of the forest, and the mother came after, watchfully.

"Ye don't mind, do ye Professor Snape?" Hagrid asked, seeing that they wanted to accompany us on our journey.

"Not at all," Severus answered, and I was very surprised to see his mouth twitch in his approximation of a guarded smile.

Hagrid nodded happily, and went into his cabin, already calling out for Pouncer.

We were only a few steps into the forest when the little one seemed to catch a scent trail. He ran ahead, leaping and yapping in excitement. The mother was also trotting a bit more quickly. I hurried up to make sure I wouldn't lose sight of the baby, but it did not go far before it stopped. It was standing in a curious pose over the body of a small red fox.

Severus went to it and bent down, touching its side.

"Dead, but still warm," he observed. I felt relieved to hear that his voice had returned to its former strength and authority. It was a comfort–hearing him so quiet earlier had worried me. "We can use his body in the dissection I promised."

"Oh," I answered, feeling my insides pale slightly at the suggestion. But I did remember his promise on one of our previous walks through the forest, and it seemed today was the day it was meant to happen.

He drew his wand and put a suspending charm on the fox's body, so that it would not go any further into its process of slow decay. Then he picked up the body of the small red fox, holding it quite tenderly. I looked at its face and unbidden tears rose to my eyes. It was sad to see an animal dead.

We left the wolves with Hagrid, and returned to the castle.

Inside the potions classroom, Severus cleaned his hands and asked me to do the same. I obeyed, my fingers trembling slightly.

"Are you squeamish?" he asked, approaching the fox, which was laid out on a wooden board.

"Um… probably," I admitted. My stomach was already turning over.

"Then I will only ask you to observe," he said. I was grateful. I had been nervous about using my wand at all, since it had disarmed Severus without my willing it. "And if you need to," he added, "at any point, you may leave."

I nodded my understanding, and he began.

He explained everything he was doing as he cast a spell to erase the odour of what was to come, and showed me how to magically remove all of the hair from the fox's body. Fox hairs were extremely useful in many of the potions taught at Hogwarts. He put them into a small leather pouch.

Then, using a small knife, he began to cut open the animal. I watched with mounting horror, not knowing how to process what I was watching. I'd never seen anything like this before.

"Oh, Merlin," I whispered, as the organs were fully exposed, turning my face away.

"You don't have to stay," he assured me. I closed my eyes, continuing to face away. Though it was only an illusion, the air seemed cooler, clearer, over here. "It's a good way to save money, and to make use of a carcass which would otherwise be left to decompose. But you never have to do it if you don't want to."

"No," I said, forcing myself to toughen up. "I'll stay."

I knew what he said was true–it was a useful skill, and was indeed a way of respecting the animal, however strange.

I looked back at the table, to see that he had pinned the fox's skin to the board, so that the organs remained exposed. Moving slowly, he showed me how to remove the heart, which was the most valuable part. Then followed the liver, the kidneys, and the spleen.

I continued to watch through the whole process, appreciating the respect with which Severus treated the body. He harvested from it every useful part, laying them out upon a cloth.

When he was finished, he set aside his instruments and cleaned his hands.

I stood back, glad to finally avert my eyes from where the carcass still lay open. He returned to the cloth where the organs were and waved his wand over them, causing them to dry and shrink slightly. Only now did I recognise some of the ingredients I had once used in class.

"One last step," Severus said, just as my stomach was beginning to settle. "We need to collect the blood."

I nodded hastily, not wanting to back out now. He described a glass flask for me to retrieve from a cupboard of empty glass containers of various shapes and sizes. I found the one he desired and brought it to him.

"Carefully," he said, as I brought it near, and I gasped at the touch of his hand on my lower back. I was so startled that the flask slipped from my hands and fell to the floor, where the glass shattered.

"Sorry!" I breathed, crouching down, blushing fiercely. It had been such a casual touch, but it had caused a pang of inexplicable and frankly ridiculous desire to echo through me.

"Don't!" Severus demanded, seeing that I was in danger of cutting my fingers.

I stood up again, stepping back. Control yourself, I thought fiercely, relieved as I felt the blood leaving my cheeks.

"Reparo," Severus said, and the reformed flask flew into his hand. He gave it to me and I held it tightly while he used his wand to direct a steady stream of drops of blood into the opening.

"Well done," he said afterward, when the flask was full and the carcass drained. I couldn't bear to look at it, or at him. I had pressed down the storm inside of me, but it was still raging, however well-hidden. This was nonsensical. There was no reason for me to feel anything physical for him under such circumstances. But that faint throbbing was back, just as it had been in the days after our consummation.

Meanwhile Severus's own body showed no sign of weakness–not even the faintest hint.

Don't be a fool, Wilma, I thought to myself. Don't be a fool.

"Take everything to the storeroom," Severus instructed, having firmly stoppered the flask. "I will take care of the remains."

"Yes," I said, deliberately biting back the instinct to say sir.

Grateful for an excuse to escape, I gathered the ingredients and went out.

Every available Hogwarts teacher arrived the following morning, to prepare for the next day's parent visit. Sinistra, Babbling, Vector, Grubbly-Plank, Madam Hooch, Pince the librarian, and Filch, who arrived sporting a strange tan. Binns, who had been blending in amongst the other ghosts, made himself distinct for the first time. Of course there were also those of us who had stayed all along. The returning professors congratulated and welcomed Neville and I especially.

It was a bit overwhelming to have so many people inside the castle, which had been so empty in the previous months. But it was nothing compared to how it would feel once the students arrived, and I had to admit to a bit of excitement at the promise of the corridors being filled and fully alive again.

After a shared meal, Minerva provided us all with every password in the castle, and led us in preparing the great hall for the parents. This involved vanishing the long tables and multiplying the benches, placing them in rows facing the staff table. It took next to no time with all of us working, and then we separated to ensure that our classrooms were presentable and prepared.

I spent two hours in the potions classroom, making certain that I was as well acquainted with every corner of it as I could be. The room itself was quite perfect, and I knew how lucky I was–it had survived the battle intact, and Severus had slowly accumulated everything any teacher could possibly ask for over his years as Potions Master.

I knew that The Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom was quite a different story. It had been almost fully barren since its reconstruction. All that it really contained were the original wooden desks. It had nothing that would be required to teach a lesson.

After thinking it over, I decided to go upstairs and see if I could assist Severus in any way.

The door of the classroom was already standing ajar, so I invited myself inside. It looked restored almost precisely to how it had been before the battle. Heavy gold-and-glass instruments hung from the ceiling, more glass bell jars and magnifying glasses stood on the windowsills, a few large chests sat in the corner, a cupboard filled with books, the silver projector, and of course the small dragon skeleton suspended from the vaulted stone ceiling. I gasped when I saw it, feeling my eyes light up with nostalgia.

Severus turned, looking a bit defensive, but seemed to relax when he saw my smile.

"How did you do this?" I asked. "Where did you find it all?"

"Various places," he said. I chose not to pry. He'd probably found most of it in the Room of Requirement.

I felt relieved to see that he had not hung up any of the intimidating illustrations that had adorned the walls when he'd taught the subject in my final year. I did, however, notice that he had shuttered the tall windows, seemingly on impulse.

"I'm impressed," I said.

He made a dismissive sound. He was standing in front of the teacher's desk, surveying it all and looking rather paralysed. I wondered for the first time… could he be nervous?

"Do you want help with anything?" I asked.

"No," he said.

I was surprised at myself for almost smiling at his response. "Maybe a little light," I suggested.

I went to the windows and unlatched the shutters. In the sunlight the golden equipment glowed, and the glass, though revealed to be dusty, looked still more beautiful. The room took on that special energy of a room which is going to be learned in.

"That's better," I said.

Severus's mouth narrowed doubtfully.

"Keep them open," I urged him. "The students will like you more." Then I smiled a bit sheepishly and left him alone.

At two o'clock in the afternoon, Luna and Sybill and I stood in the main courtyard to receive the parents. They had been instructed by letter to apparate into Hogsmeade, and Hagrid had prepared the thestral carriages to transport them from there to the castle. As they appeared over the viaduct bridge, I was able to see the thestrals for the first time. There would be few witches and wizards who couldn't, now that we had all been through the war. Watching the movement of their lithe black bodies kept my mind away from the many deaths I had witnessed in this very courtyard during the final battle.

Luna was a natural, giving polite greetings to everyone who stepped out of the carriages. Sybill collected their names in her airy, awkward way, and I led them up the stairs and through the doors into the great hall.

Two pureblood couples were there, and so were a few muggle parents. The latter looked astonished by the sight of the castle, gaping up at the ceiling of the hall. After all had arrived, the hall was filled with a quiet chatter, old friends reuniting, the non-magical parents conversing in awed whispers, as though they were in a cathedral. The two pureblood couples cast subtly unpleasant looks their way, remaining tight-faced and silent.

I was disturbed to notice that many of the younger mothers appeared pregnant. The result of the marriage law.

Soon the doors were closed and all of the professors–including myself–were seated at the high table. I was separated from Severus by Flitwick and Sinistra, and looked down the table at Neville, who seemed just as anxious as I was. I was especially worried about the purebloods. I didn't know what to expect from them.

Minerva stood at the headmaster's podium, her strong voice ringing throughout the hall. "Good afternoon," she said. "I am Minerva McGonagall, head of Gryffindor house, and headmaster of Hogwarts. Behind me are seated some of the most qualified witches and wizards of our time…"

She went on to introduce each of the professors. I hesitated before standing, but the attention was not so terrible as I had expected. I watched Severus's guarded nod when he stood; there was a strange mixture of hearty applause and suspicious silence among the parents.

Minerva organised the parents into groups which would rotate among the teachers throughout the afternoon. Hagrid would give a tour of the grounds, Filch a tour of the castle, and the other teachers would be in their classrooms to introduce their subjects individually. We dispersed, and I led my first group of three couples to the potions classroom, making sure they skipped the trick step on the way down into the dungeon.

I felt quite intimidated by the fact that most of the parents were twice my age or older. But most of them were genuinely curious and kind, and wanted me to succeed. One father in my first group asked why Snape was no longer teaching potions, and I explained that he had moved to Defence Against the Dark Arts, "where his skill and experience will be even more valuable."

I was more confident after the first group–all I had to do was briefly introduce myself and the classroom, and answer any of their questions. The following groups came to me after seeing Trelawney, and appeared relieved to be entering a classroom devoted to a much more tangible subject. Those who had graduated Hogwarts themselves remarked that the classroom looked more pleasant than they'd ever seen it.

Even the two pureblood couples did not prove too difficult. Both of them also asked why Severus Snape was no longer teaching potions, but seemed satisfied to hear that he was teaching Defence Against the Dark Arts–the most prestigious post at the school–and that I myself had trained as potions master under his tutelage. I actually felt a bit of sympathy towards them, realising that they did not have bad intentions. It would be important to them that their children had a professor who had also been ensnared by the dark side of the war, and had emerged alright in the end.

Quite soon the day was over. It was getting on to early evening, and the parents were to return to the great hall for final questions before departing the castle.

I stepped into the nearest girls' toilets for a minute's break, cupping water in my hands and cooling my forehead with it. I felt that, despite my anxiety earlier, the day had gone very well. I was rather proud of myself.

When I returned to the potions classroom, I heard hushed voices speaking within, and paused outside the door. I would have interrupted to bring them along to the great hall had I not realised they were speaking about me.

"Did you know she's married to Severus Snape? This law has produced some strange matches, but I must say, this is one of the strangest I've seen."

"She wasn't married to him first, you know. Her first husband was Remus Lupin–the… well, you know–but he left her after just three months. Snape must have stepped in, and good thing, too. Did you see her this morning? She seems terribly broody, poor girl. I expect he's the only one who'd have taken her."

"Well who could blame her for that? First she lost that other Weasley boy, and then she's abandoned? I challenge you to go through the same and not brood."

"I do think it's a good thing though, don't you, that Lupin won't be teaching this year. If he were, I'd honestly feel even less secure than I do now. I'm sure he's a fine fellow, and my Camellia adored him when he taught in her second year, but one simply cannot ignore the risk."

I hastened away, going up the stairs and turning sharply into the tapestry corridor. Severus was just approaching from the other end, which was rather inconvenient as I had begun to cry. He noticed at once and a look of concern came into his face.

"What's wrong?" he questioned.

But I shook my head. "It's fine," I whispered, and quickly stopped my tears before going with him into the great hall.

After Minerva had answered every remaining question, the parents were escorted to the carriages. When the last door was shut and the wooden wheels were rolling away, I finally let myself turn off, as I had been waiting to do. Sybill saw me staring into space, and when her glasses loomed close I was startled back to earth.

"Your inner eye seems clouded, my dear," she said earnestly.

For a little while I helped to put the great hall back in its usual state, but soon had to slip away. I returned to the potions classroom and sat down at the desk in exhaustion. I held my forehead and the tears from earlier returned. The way they'd spoken of Remus… The way they saw me…

Severus entered a minute later, knocking as he pushed the door open. I looked up at him, trying to shake my head, but he came to me anyway.

"What happened?" he urged.

"It was just a couple of gossips," I said, sniffling. "It was nothing."

A defensive look entered his face. "Did they offend you?"

"They didn't know I was listening… It was nothing."

He clearly doubted it, but did not press me. "I'll make some tea," he said. I nodded, and watched him brew it, and by the time it was finished my tears were gone.

"How did it go for you?" I asked, wanting to hear, and to remove the attention from myself.

I'd expected a monosyllabic answer, but Severus told me everything–the many questions of the nervous parents, the suspicious silence that radiated from some. I listened, and as he finished I began to cry again. Here we sat, despite everything, exchanging the simple pieces of our day, listening and being listened to in equal measure. There was something pure about it, and that purity made me emotional.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He spoke gently, and touched my hand.

"Nothing," I whispered, shaking my head and wiping my tears away. It wasn't true, but for that moment, I allowed it to be.

I looked at him, the light from the windows catching his eyes. For the first time I really saw them, the rings of colour hidden in the irises.

"Severus…" I began, not knowing how to say what I needed to. "You're… You are good."

I leaned forward into him, and after a moment of stillness, he held me in his arms.

NOTE

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