NOTE

Warning for a very brief reference to miscarriage.

49. Something Good

The next day I left to watch Teddy. I hadn't been able to adequately explain my arrangement with Andromeda when I'd last told Severus I was going, but now I took the opportunity to do so. He listened and did not seem to disapprove as much as he had last week. "Please be safe," he said, before I left the castle to apparate.

"I will," I promised him.

Teddy's hair had now settled on a darker shade of blue as its favourite colour. Andromeda was prepared to leave after we sat for a short lunch. She stayed only a moment longer to inform me of Teddy's new love for a muggle film called The Sound of Music, and to show me how to use the small television in Tonks's room. The tape was already inside, she said, so all I had to do was 'hit play.'

Balance and peace were brought to my soul by Teddy's company, as always.

We spent the afternoon walking near the small church, and returned to the house just as it began to rain slightly. It was the gentlest spring sprinkle, and it brought Teddy joy to be out in it–as proven by the golden colour of his hair. I ran around with him in the back garden for a while, until it became a bit chilly and I carried him inside.

As faint thunder began to rumble, I gave him a warm bath in a shallow tub of water, his nonsensical singing echoing off the walls of the bathroom with his splashes. Then I patted him dry and dressed him again, carrying him against my chest.

"You're getting heavier!" I exclaimed, allowing my body to respond happily to the smell of his soapy skin. My miscarriage behaved like an old ache most of the time, but in moments like this I was reminded of how recent it really was. I didn't linger on it, though. I was grateful to have Teddy.

We went into Tonks's room, and I turned on the film as Andromeda had instructed, summoning Teddy's toys as well so that he could play while he listened to the songs. I found myself quite engrossed in the film. They'd had a telly at the care home in London, but I hadn't seen one in a long time; not since Mr. Weasley brought one home–and even then, he hadn't gotten it to work. The colours and images and music were thrilling.

My eyes began to fill with tears as I watched the silhouettes of Maria and the Captain in the beautiful blue moonlight of the gazebo, as they confessed their love. The music bloomed in my chest and overcame me, and suddenly tears were flowing freely from my eyes.

For here you are, standing there, loving me… whether or not you should… So somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good…

I pressed my hand to my chest, feeling my heart weeping. Teddy clambered over to me and touched my tears almost curiously. I was helpless when faced with the tender beauty of the scene, and couldn't help thinking of Remus. With all of the upheaval over the past week, I hadn't been able to pause and remember him very deeply. But now the heartache returned. I'd known while I was with him that our relationship had been something to be grateful for, but I hadn't had any idea just how easy it was. Getting along with Remus had been a day at the seaside compared to getting along with Severus.

But I told myself not to compare further. They were two very different people. I simply allowed my heart to respond to the song without forcing myself to analyse my emotions.

When the film was over and all my tears were shed, I carried Teddy downstairs, to where his crib was kept. I held his little hand and hummed to him until he fell asleep, his hair relaxing into a soft pale blond. I stayed with him for a few minutes longer, looking at his peaceful face. And then I went to the kitchen window, through which I could see the bright face of the moon. It was waxing very close to full.

I conjured my raven.

"I don't know where you are, but I want you to know that I'm with Teddy. He's sleeping. His hair likes to stay blue most of the time. He loves The Sound of Music. It's this muggle film. I don't know if you know it, but it made me think of you. I hope you're safe. I miss you."

Andromeda arrived the next morning as I was finishing breakfast, looking as though she'd returned from a walk in the clouds.

"I spoke with a man there," she told me, when I asked why she looked so happy. "Alright… more than spoke. He was a couple years younger, but it didn't matter. He was truly lovely, and very romantic…"

"Was he French? What was his name?"

"Yes, he was. Gabriel."

She pronounced it with fervour, and I could easily imagine that Gabriel had flirtatiously coached her on how to pronounce it properly.

I told her how glad I was. I knew how hard it was to be with someone for the first time after losing a deep love. Listening to her speak about their lovely evening walking on the beach uplifted me. But, simultaneously, her news made me nervous about the following night, which would be the first of my fertile window. My first time with Severus had been lovely in the beginning, but had still ended in difficulty, even with the potion. Now that there was even more tension between us than there had been then, I wasn't sure how it would go.

"Is everything alright with you?" Andromeda asked, sensing that my thoughts ran on two tracks at once.

I nearly lied by omission, but decided to tell her.

"I'm having trouble in my marriage," I admitted.

She nodded her head.

"It takes time, even when you have the luxury of falling in love first. He hasn't hurt you, has he?"

"Once or twice," I admitted. "Nothing I can't handle."

She nodded, but looked at me with a bit of fire behind her eyes. "I hope you won't mind my saying it, but in an odd way… I see you as a daughter. If you ever need my help, you only need to ask."

"Thank you," I said. Her words were so meaningful that I didn't know how to properly take them in.

"And we both know you've got more than a little fire in you. Don't be afraid to let him see it."

I waited until Teddy woke up to go back to Hogwarts, so that I could hug him goodbye. His hair sank into a deep, mournful blue when I started out the door, but after I waved to him it returned to its lighter turquoise.

As I left the village, I thought of Andromeda's words. They held a pearl of wisdom that I'd truly needed to hear. Though it was frightening, and would take effort, I needed to show Severus my full self. Not only whatever facet of myself I thought would fit best with his wildly fluctuating mood. Perhaps if I made myself a steadfast boulder in the sea, he would come to trust me more, and it wouldn't be such a struggle. It was a lofty goal, but one I could still aim for.

Made confident by this understanding, I walked into the windy woods near the church, and apparated.

NOTE

"Something Good" is a truly beautiful song, and the lyrics connect quite deeply to the emotions and pasts of both Wilma and Severus. Lyric credit to Oscar Hammerstein.