It's Never 'Just' Anything

by Steren Heart

When Miranda does something unforgivable, Andrea won't take her calls. So she takes a different approach, reaching out by email. Can Andrea forgive her? More importantly, should she? (No cheating involved.)

Trigger Warning - Mentions of domestic violence, but no details given. Please be careful if this is an issue for you. ❤️

This story is told entirely through emails. I've seen a few of these fics across multiple fandoms, but I will definitely say I was inspired after reading EmeraldOrchids July Ficathon fic last year. If you would like to read hers, it's called Correspondence.

I have so many completed fics just sitting around… and I decided to start going through them and getting them posted. So you might see some really random things pop up from me over the next couple of months!

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Dear Andrea,

It is with a heavy heart that I write this. I fear that no amount of pleading will make any difference to your stance on things. I did the one thing I promised never to do, and I pushed you away. I will never forget the humiliation in your eyes as I shamed you in front of your peers and colleagues, and I will never forgive myself for being the cause of it.

I let you down. I let the girls down. I let myself down.

I truly wanted to be there with you tonight. I wanted to hold your hand, so proud to let the world see that you are the one I love and that impossibly, you love me, too.

When this invariably gets reported and is splashed across tomorrow's headlines, I know the world will be so disappointed in me. No matter what they say, it doesn't come close to how disappointed I am in myself. I hate that my actions have hurt you so badly, Andrea.

Please. You won't answer my calls, but I hope that you will read this and hear the sincerity in my words. I am so very sorry, Darling.

I love you. Always.

Miranda xx

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Miranda.

Denying our relationship in a blind panic, is one thing. It's something I half expected, if I am honest, and it was understandable. It would have been forgivable.

Physical violence, however, is not.

I didn't do anything that we hadn't discussed before the Gala and I thought you were comfortable. If you weren't, then you could have told me, Miranda. I wouldn't have held it against you. When have I ever put pressure on you to do more than you are ready for? I have spent months using the back door of the townhouse to protect your privacy and shelter you from gossip.

Coming out isn't easy at any age. If I had known how you would react, then I wouldn't have kissed your cheek. I owe you an apology for that. I should have noticed how difficult you were finding it.

So, I am sorry too, but that doesn't excuse what you did. My cheek is still stinging and the shape of your fingers are still outlined in red on my skin. I refuse to be someone who lives in fear of what their partner is capable of doing when angered or uncomfortable.

Letting you go is the hardest thing I have ever attempted, but I must.

Goodbye, Miranda.

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My Dearest Andrea,

I do hear what you are saying, but it was just a slap. An error in judgement that will never be repeated, you have my word.

I just wish that we could turn back time. I would declare to the world that you are mine without a second of hesitation. I was so proud that a woman like you could ever choose a woman like me. I am someone who has lived her entire life in the closet, being afraid, while you have been out there living a life free of shame.

You have held my heart for so long now, and I will never stop missing you, Darling.

All my love,

Miranda xx

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Are you fucking serious right now? Just a slap? The very fact that you think this way, tells me everything I need to know about you.

Just a slap? It's never just a slap, don't you see? When I was eleven, I saw my father slap my mother for the very first time. He begged for forgiveness, very much the same way you have, and she stupidly took him back. That was the first and last time he ever slapped her. Do you know why? Because next time it wasn't 'just a slap'. No. Next time, he beat her so badly that she spent three nights in the hospital.

You know about my family, Miranda. How could you ever reduce what you did to 'just a slap'? It makes me wonder if you did this, knowing it would push me away forever? You had to have known there was no coming back from this?

I can't come back to you. Not now. Coming home to you would make me less. I would be less than the woman I believe myself to be. I would become someone that I don't recognise. I always swore I would not let the same thing happen to me, and returning to you would go against everything I have ever promised myself. I don't want to look in the mirror and feel ashamed of myself.

Please don't ask this of me. You will destroy me and shatter the last remains of my self-belief, if you do.

Andy.

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My Darling,

I am so sorry. I didn't mean to belittle the events that occurred. You have every right to be angry with me.

I wish there was something I could do to prove that I would never raise a hand to you again. I regret very little in life, but losing you will forever be the biggest mistake I have ever made.

I will never stop loving you, and wishing for your return.

Miranda xxx

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Miranda.

You didn't lose me, you pushed me away. Physically. And you did it with the understanding you would be ending things between us forever. You knew I could never come back from this. That I could, and would forgive you almost anything… Anything, but this.

Thank you for letting me see the girls. I can't believe how much they have grown up in only a few weeks.

Andy.

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My sweet Andrea,

I know this won't make a difference to our relationship, but I wanted you to know that I am seeing a therapist. The woman has some rather unorthodox methods, but she has been helpful so far. She has made me see that whilst my reaction was unacceptable, there are deep-rooted reasons why things played out the way that they did that night. She's helped me understand that I need to deal with my internalised homophobia, before I can ever hope to have a healthy relationship with a woman.

One day, I hope to be able to prove that I can be the woman you want, need and deserve me to be. In the meantime, please know that I am doing everything I possibly can to earn a place back in your life. I don't expect your forgiveness, but I am truly trying to face my demons.

The girls have been asking about you. They asked me to invite you for dinner, but I wasn't sure how you would feel about it? If you are not comfortable with my presence, but you want to see the girls, then I will make myself scarce for the evening so you can spend time together at home. Well, not that you see it as your home anymore, but I have to hold on to hope that this changes soon.

They miss you so much, Andrea. I don't want this to be any harder on you than it has to be, but they are young and don't understand why you no longer live with us.

You will always hold all of our hearts in your hand, whether we are in a relationship, or not.

I love you, Darling.

Miranda xx

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Dear Miranda,

Thank you for dinner. I'm glad you joined us in the end, even if it was a little awkward in the beginning. I just want things to be as easy as possible for Caroline and Cassidy, you know? None of this is their fault and I know this has upset them a lot.

Maybe they could sleep over at mine, sometime? I'm not staying with Emily and Serena anymore. I finally got that promotion and using my new salary, I've found myself a great apartment. It's not far from you, actually.

I hope you're okay and therapy is still going well.

Andy.

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Darling Andrea,

You're right. None of this is their fault.

It's mine.

I know it's too late, but I'm finally ready. If you tune into the local news tonight, you might find something that surprises you.

I miss the sound of your heartbeat.

Miranda xx

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Dear Miranda,

I am so damn proud of you! Is it weird for me to say that?

I hope you didn't do this for me? I never once asked you to come out, and I would never have expected you to do it so publicly. You're Miranda Priestly, though. I guess I should have known it would be a dramatic event.

You looked amazing tonight, sitting there so regally while you bravely answered all their questions. Live on air, too! You didn't falter once and I wished with all my heart I could have been there with you.

I haven't wanted to say this to you before, in case it muddied the waters, but I do miss you, Sweetheart. I wish that we were different people. I wish that I could forgive you and truly believe that you won't hurt me again.

I wish that you were still mine.

Shit. I shouldn't have had so much wine. I have a feeling I'm going to regret this email in the morning. Please ignore me!

I'm sad, I'm lonely, and most of all I miss my family.

I think I will always love you,

Your Andrea xxx

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Andrea, my heart,

Isn't it true that people are closest to their truest selves when they are under the influence of alcohol? Isn't it possible that maybe you aren't quite as ready to move on from me, from us, as you previously thought? I can promise you now that if you allow me back into your life, I will never give you cause to regret it. Please, my love. Won't you give me just one chance?

My heart still beats for you, and you alone.

Miranda xxx

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Miranda,

Don't you get it yet? There is nothing I want more than to take you in my arms and hold you all night long. I miss your voice, your smell… the way you taste.

I miss everything about you.

But I refuse to be weak, and that is what coming back to you would mean, no matter how much my absence hurts both of us. I refuse to turn into my mother. I swore I would be stronger than she ever was.

Please. If you love me at all, don't ask me to do this.

Andrea.

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My Darling,

Haven't you heard? To err is human. To forgive is divine.

I know I made a mistake. Not just any mistake, but one of epic proportions. I can assure you that I will never make a mistake such as this again. If I ever did (I won't!) then I would let you walk away. Please, just give me this one last chance.

I have made so much progress in therapy. With help, I have dealt with and processed the triggers that my therapist has helped me identify.

Would you consider coming home for Christmas? Even if we are not together, the girls would love to see you. Their hearts are breaking at the thought you won't be here with them.

Won't you make our house a home again, just for one day? Just for them?

All my love,

Miranda xxx

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That's a low blow, Miranda, using the girls against me.

A.

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Dear Andrea,

I'm sorry.

Yes, I realise that was out of line. I knew the moment that I had sent it, that I should not have involved them. I'm so sorry.

I am a foolish woman, desperately in love with someone who no longer sees fit to have me in their life. My desperation causes me to act in reckless ways.

Please, allow me to rephrase the invitation.

Andrea, we would be delighted if you felt able to spend Christmas with us here at the townhouse. We all miss you. I don't want you to feel pressured by that. It's your decision.

Just know that you will always be welcome here.

I love you,

Miranda xxx

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Dear Miranda,

I'm still stuffed. I'm laying here on my couch with my laptop and I literally can't make myself get up and go to bed. You packed enough leftovers that I don't think I will need to buy groceries for a week.

Thank you so much, I had a wonderful day. It was nice to spend time with you all, and not just because it's Christmas.

I can't stop crying as I write this. I miss you. I love you.

I want to come home.

Is this just holiday goggles? Am I forgetting what's important just because we had a good day together?

I need to think.

I think… I think I still want you.

Andrea xx

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My Darling,

I am hesitant to suggest this. It's not my place anymore, and we both know that. However, have you ever considered therapy?

It's done wonders for me, as you know, and I wonder whether it would be of some help for you to process what you witnessed as a child between your parents. Whether or not that influences how you feel about our relationship, I strongly believe it would be beneficial. I only want the best for you.

My love for you has not faded in the slightest. No matter how long it has been, my heart is still full of you.

Miranda xxx

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Dear Andrea,

I'm sorry if my suggestion was out of line. I was only trying to help you.

Please, won't you reply soon? The girls keep asking after you and we just want to know if you are okay.

All our love,

Miranda, Cassidy and Caroline xxx

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Dear Miranda,

I'm so sorry that it's been so many months since my last email. At first, I was pissed with your suggestion. In fact, I had made up my mind, determined that I was going to cut all ties.

However, after I cooled off, I soon realised that you were right, and more importantly, I realised that you were not just trying to manipulate me for your own gain.

I've just come home after my fifth appointment with a therapist, and I've learned a lot about myself over the last few weeks.

I have realised I can still be strong, even if I forgive you. That giving you a chance does not make me weak. It does not make me anything like my Mom. I think maybe I need to try and forgive her for staying with him. For staying with someone that put her through what he did, and for making me and my sister watch it all unravel.

It's time to move on. From my childhood, and from what you did. You are not him, just as I am not her.

I think I am ready to talk. About the past, about the future, and most of all, about us. I need to set boundaries, but I also have to trust that you won't make the same mistake again. I think that what we have is too important to throw away. I hope it is, anyway.

If you are free on Thursday night, then I would like to invite you over to my place for dinner. It's not the most neutral setting, but I don't feel like talking about our issues in public would be good for either of us.

Let me know.

Love,

Andrea xx

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Andrea, my love,

Thank you so much for an incredible evening. I know it's probably too soon to ask this, but would you consider spending the weekend with us?

If the answer is no, then I understand, but I have to ask. As you know, it's the girls' birthday, and they would love to have you there. I won't mention the possibility of your presence until you reply, so there is no pressure.

I love you so much,

Miranda xxx

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Fifteen months later…

Miranda,

It's been a long time since we've used emails to communicate, but it seems fitting somehow, to email you today. After all, emails are the reason that we are where we are now.

Happy Anniversary, my love. I will be waiting at home for you with the girls, bags packed and ready to leave. We are all so excited to be going on this trip with you.

I miss you so much when you're at work, and I am home with the girls, writing.

See you soon.

Your loving Wife,

Andrea xxxxx

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