As Cartman stepped on the bus to head to Kenny's house, he breathed in a deep sigh. Since Kenny had saved his life, Cartman felt a sense of duty to have his friend's back, even in his darkest times. However, what he failed to anticipate was the sheer number of times he would have to comfort Kenny over getting a porn magazine taken away. These particular times forced Cartman to practice extreme discipline, as the desire to smack some sense into his friend's thick skull was at its strongest.
"Mrs. Balzac sucks," Kenny whined, "Why would she try to read a trash can maintenance book anyway? My plan was foolproof!"
"A plan's not foolproof anymore if you've be caught twenty-plus times, retard," Cartman wearily responded, "You deserved to get caught for bringing a foot fetish mag anyway."
"Keep that kinda shit talk up and I won't show you the movie," Kenny sternly retorted.
"Kenny, If I wanted to see hookers on television I could just turn on the fishing channel," Cartman chided, chuckling at his own terrible pun.
"It. Is. Not. A. Porno!" Kenny insisted, "It's the best horror film ever made!"
Cartman didn't believe that for a second, but decided that arguing about it wasn't really accomplishing much. After a brief time, the bus stopped and the pair headed off into Kenny's house. Kenny's house was certainly a bit run down, though it was nicer than it'd been in the past thanks to a strange gentrification effort that had been abandoned several years ago. The McCormick's had utilized some of the leftover materials to improve their house and slightly upgrade their standard of living.
Upon entry, Cartman was greeted by a familiar sight: Kenny's parents sitting on the couch, drinking beer. "Howdy there, Eric!" Kenny's dad called, "Hope yer excited fer that movie we gon' watch tonight!"
"…Dear God Kenny, please tell me this isn't a porno," Cartman whispered to his friend. His fears were averted when Kenny's mom showed him the DVD.
"Its 'Saturday the 14th, Part 11'!" Kenny's mom exclaimed, "I thought them movies got a little stale after part eight, but this one's sposed' to return to the series' roots."
Cartman felt a weight lift off his shoulders at the revelation. He'd take a bad horror film over watching porn with his friend's family any day. After the group ate a quick frozen dinner in the living room, they settled back to watch the movie. Cartman wasn't exactly impressed by the film, but his joy was elevated by seeing how much Kenny had liked it.
"Holy shit dude! He just chain sawed two people in half at the same time!" Kenny excitedly proclaimed between mouthfuls of popcorn and sips of beer. By the end of the movie, the general consensus from Kenny's parents seemed to be that it was a modern masterpiece, though that could have just been the booze talking. Afterwards, the two friends went back to Kenny's room together. Cartman had made a point to keep an eye on the time, as Wendy would be there to pick him up at midnight.
"8:45," He mumbled to himself. Kenny had taken multiple bottles of beer with him, so Cartman figured it wouldn't be long before he was out cold. After playing video games for a while, Kenny had broken out his "Magic: The Gathering" cards and challenged Cartman to a game.
"C'mon man, I gotta be ready for the tournament on Friday!" Kenny explained. The boy usually beat Cartman's ass pretty handily, as their gap in skill was quite expansive. However, Kenny was just drunk enough that Cartman believed he could finally win a game or two.
As they played, Kenny looked at Cartman quizzically. "Hey man, you had any nightmares lately? This is the first day I haven't heard about one in a while." Cartman wasn't sure how to reply, truthfully his dreams the night before had been quite pleasant, though he suspected this was due to the company he'd kept.
"…Didn't dream last night," Cartman said casually, "Probably a blessing, really."
"Not even those two hot angels?" Kenny quipped, eyebrows raised.
"I'll beat your ass if you even tell that one, dude," Cartman replied.
"Not as hard as I'm beating your ass at this game!" Kenny laughed, claiming his third victory of the night. It seemed his drunken state hadn't dulled his skills in the slightest. The pair continued to play a few more games until Kenny inevitably passed out, after downing what must have been his hundredth beer.
Cartman checked the time: "11:55," He observed, "I'd better get out there and wait for that ho." Cartman cautiously snaked his way out from Kenny's room, careful not to trip over his passed-out parents in the living room. He then discretely shut the front door behind him and journeyed into the front yard, snow crunching under his boots. Cartman's wait would prove to be slightly longer than expected, but a small purple station wagon eventually pulled up in front of the McCormick's house. The boy then proceeded to quietly slip into the front passenger seat.
"You're late, hippie," Cartman greeted, shooting Wendy another characteristic grin.
"Only by five minutes, Fatass," Wendy countered, "Doubt you'd have frozen to death."
Cartman responded by sniffling loudly and shivering, "W-W-W-Wendy… I-I think y-you g-gave me f-frostbite!"
Wendy's only reply was a quick punch to his arm, which was quickly becoming a signature greeting between the two. After a short drive, the pair arrived at their destination. "Hope that card of yours actually works," Wendy stated, eyeing the small piece of white plastic Cartman held.
"Bitch, I've been breaking into school for years," Cartman asserted, "Who do you think left that bag of crack in Mr. Woodcock's desk?"
"That was you?" Wendy's surprise was evident in her voice. "He got five years in prison for that!"
"And he got a hell of a lot more time when the cops found those 'pictures' on his laptop. Always knew Woodcock was a freak, figured that was a good way to force the cops to check him out." Though Cartman's revenge plots were often conceived over petty squabbles, he occasionally saw fit to dispense some manner of true justice, particularly to those he viewed as degenerates.
Surely enough, Cartman's I.D. card worked like a charm and the two were soon standing in the school's foyer, its eerie silence a far cry from the boisterous noise that typically characterized it.
"This is creepy as hell," Wendy breathed, eyes wide as the pair slowly made their way through the darkness, illuminated only by the flashlights on their phones.
"Want me to hold you?" Cartman flashed Wendy an attempt at a sultry look. She didn't respond, but Cartman was pleasantly surprised when he noticed that she had quietly begun to hold his hand. The pair continued to slink their way through the darkness until Wendy stopped dead in her tracks.
"Cartman," She whispered, "Do you hear that?" Cartman felt Wendy's grip tighten as he listened intently. After a few seconds, a very faint shuffling noise became apparent to him.
"What the hell is that?" Cartman's whisper was far more audible than Wendy's. Immediately the two heard a sharp voice call out.
"HEY! WHO'S THERE!"
"Shit!" Cartman mouthed, "The night janitor!"
"We need to hide, fatass!" Wendy harshly whispered as she dragged him along behind her. The two quickly ducked into the nearby teacher's lounge, Wendy recalling that the lock on the door had been broken when Kenny slammed face-first into it. She even noticed imprints of what appeared to be teeth on the doorknob.
The pair hid together in a dark corner of the room, concealed by a small box fort of unopened new textbooks. They sat there in complete silence for what felt like hours, listening closely to the steady footsteps of the approaching janitor.
"Musta been my imagination," The janitor finally stated. "Really gotta lay off the Nyquil," he muttered, proceeding to shuffle away from the door that concealed the pair of intruders. Cartman breathed a sigh of relief, only to quickly inhale again upon noticing that Wendy had pulled herself very close to him. In fact, she had been hugging on to him very tightly, her gloved hands perched upon the small of his back. Her eyes slowly raised to meet his own, a blush forming on her cheeks.
"Wendy, I –"
He was quickly silenced as the girl responded to him with a passionate kiss. Cartman wrapped his arms around her and returned the favor, the blush on his cheeks now matching hers. The pair kissed lovingly for several minutes before breaking their tight embrace.
"Erm…" Wendy mumbled awkwardly. She reached up and gently wiped a small drip of saliva from the corner of Cartman's mouth. "Eric, let's get back to work." Cartman nodded silently, unsure of what to say, or even what to think. They then resumed their journey down the shadowy hallway.
Eventually the two made their way to Heidi's locker, Cartman observing carefully as Wendy produced a small pin from her jacket pocket. She then set about carefully maneuvering the pin through the small key hole, managing to crack open the locker in a shockingly brief amount of time.
"Damn ho, remind me not to get on your bad side," Cartman whispered, Wendy only replying with an impish smirk. Cartman then carefully inserted the bright blue dye bomb into the locker, meticulously angling it for maximum impact.
"Wendy, about what happened earlier-"
"Eric, I don't have any answers for you. We should just forget about it."
Cartman knew there was no chance he would ever forget about it, but he nodded understandingly nonetheless. Together, the pair then quietly slipped out of the building, the night janitor nowhere to be seen. The ride back to Kenny's house was populated by a deafening silence, only broken by the soft classical music playing on the radio. As the station wagon pulled up in front of the McCormick house, Cartman looked over at Wendy.
"Tomorrow's gonna be awesome, hippie. Can't wait to see the look on that bitch's face," Cartman remarked, smiling faintly at her.
"Make sure you're there to watch it with me," Wendy replied simply, returning his weak smile. She then drove away into the darkness of the night, Cartman watching keenly until her taillights had disappeared from view. The boy then snuck his way back into the house, observing that Kenny's parents were now passed out in different positions on the floor from when he'd left. Cartman slipped into Kenny's room as quietly as he could manage. Just as Cartman thought he was in the clear, a voice spoke.
"Joy riding at this hour?" Cartman nearly jumped out of his skin, looking alarmedly at the blond boy who'd sat up in his bed.
"Kenny… you're, um, dreaming, yeah that's it! This is all a beer induced hallucination!" Cartman waved his hands about wildly, poorly attempting to mimic a ghost.
"…Wow. That's the shittiest lie I've ever heard, and I've known you practically my whole life," Kenny noted, grinning at Cartman, "I know whose car that was, by the way." The boy then laid back in his bed and returned to sleep.
The next morning came quickly, Cartman and Kenny waking to prepare for school. While Cartman had packed some nice clothes to wear for picture day, Kenny simply threw his faded orange jacket on over a muted, casual set of clothes. "You seem awfully excited for picture day, man. Does it have anything to do with your little trip last night?" Kenny laughed, lightly jabbing Cartman's stomach with his elbow.
"As a matter of fact, it does," Cartman replied, "But you'll just have to wait and see why."
"Well, color me intrigued!" Kenny quipped.
Cartman shot a nefarious look at his friend. "You won't be the only one whose colored by the end of the day."