One and a half months before…

I had babies on the brain. I wasn't proud of it. I was in the midst of planning a wedding and the last thing I needed to think about was motherhood except something had happened and now all I can think of are little Lyman babies. Curls and dimples like Josh, but maybe my eyes and hair color. And my wedding dress would hide the early signs of a bump. It would be perfect if hypothetically I got pregnant. Which I won't. Because this is insane.

"Hey." Josh strolls into my East Wing office so casually, pulling me away from this irresponsible daydream. He walks around the side of the cherry wood desk and kisses the top of my head quickly. We don't make a habit of being too touchy feely during working hours, but he always sneaks in a chance to touch me. "Helen make it to Rhode Island?"

"Yeah." I answer, before he gives me a smile. The first lady is on her way to see a preschool that introduces performing arts at the toddler age and as he grins, I am suddenly back to my thought about having his child. I decide this is the best way is to just bring it up to read the temperature. "So, the early childhood development luncheon was a success. The President and First Lady looked really good."

"They did great, but I think anyone who can handle being around an army of babies will look good by comparison." Josh laughs, leaning against my desk. I am immediately reminded of how natural he looked holding a six-month old boy when Matt Santos insisted, he pick up one of the children for a photo op. It was all I could do to look at the camera and maintain support of the twins I was holding in each arm.

"You looked good with a baby." I grin, but only because I now can't help it. I'm sure I am all but drooling, because honestly it was the sexiest thing I have ever seen. "Hot."

"Did you think I wouldn't?" He questions, a hand moving over his chest dramatically. "I was a baby once. I know what babies like. They want to be held and smiled at and..."

"I'm just saying as it turns out…a turn on for me is you with a small child." I push my chair out from my desk, crossing my leg over the other and poking him with the bottom of my black heel.

"Oh…if that works for you then maybe we should go hang out at a park or something." Josh suggests and I raise an eyebrow. His smirk falls as he realizes what he's said. "Actually no…let's not do that."

"Yeah…let's not." I giggle, shaking my head. I look down at my long fingers, before taking a deep breath. "I um…I think it gave me some sort of baby fever. I mean I know we're being careful and using protection and it's not something we have to do right now…what with the wedding and…I just was thinking. It put my head somewhere."

Josh's eyes look back up at mine and for a moment I expect to see him freak out. When I see a small smile tug at his lips. "Yeah?"

"Yeah." I blush, before standing up in front of him. "I was thinking about the wedding and my dress and I know it's insane. I know this is the last thing I should be thinking about right now, but I feel ready. You don't have to be ready yet, but I am. I know we talked about kids and we never talked about the when. I just think I would be ready when you are. But obviously, we'll still be very careful until you decide."

"I see." Josh says quietly, as his Blackberry chimes in the middle of our conversation. He's saved by the bell and frankly, good for him. I find that I may regret this conversation later. "Shoot. I need to head to the Sit."

"That's okay." I swallow, suddenly feeling like an idiot. Why would I bring this up? We're getting married in the spring and he has enough on his plate. He would never make me feel bad for voicing my feelings, but he has enough to think about. "So, maybe dinner tonight?"

"Either in my office or at home. But yes, dinner." He smiles weakly, putting his phone back in his pocket. He places a hand on my face and strokes my cheek with his thumb. His eyes briefly soften and he places an unexpected kiss sweetly against my lips. I open my eyes, to see a smirk replacing that boy like grin and before I can say another word he speaks. "You just let me know when you want me to be a little less careful, okay?"

"I…" I feel my jaw drop as he drops his hand and walks towards the door. I was expecting anything but that. Maybe a reason why I wasn't actually having some sort of urge for babies or a thought out and clear explanation that it isn't the right time. Our careers are too wild and hectic right now. Not before reelection. Or at the very least a bunch of panicking and stuttering until he had an exit plan and could leave. No. He actually said…to say when. When? He's long gone as I sink back into my chair. I have thinking to do, but something tells me I already know what I want, because the man I want it with told me it was up to me. My phone rings and I am forced to push it to the side, but my stomach is in the hopeful knot that I know I will live with until I get home tonight.

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Now

The sun in slipping into CJ's apartment just a bit as I sit huddled in the corner with my oversized cardigan wrapped tightly around my body. I use the sleeve to wipe at my nose which I know is all kinds of wrong, but all I have done for the last 12 hours is cry, throw up and stare at the wall. In this moment, I am grateful CJ kept this place for when she returns to D.C., but I miss my apartment. I miss my home and I miss Josh. I haven't heard from him since he left yesterday and I haven't tried. What would I even say? He brought up breaking up first.

And maybe it was for the best. What if the universe was telling them to stop now. To turn back. That marriage was the biggest way to ruin what they had. Clearly, they had torched everything just yesterday.

The sound of the doorknob breaks me from my thoughts and I hear keys dangling on the other side of it. CJ slowly opens the door and I look up at her, expecting her to be caught off guard. I texted her yesterday that I would be at her place, but I don't know if she was expecting swollen eyes, tear stained cheeks and a mess of a woman hiding out in her home. Her already concerned face falls even more as she sits her bags down and rushes to the couch. "Donna."

"CJ." I breathe, before the most recent sob that has been hiding in my chest escapes. She wraps her arms around me and I just cry into her shoulder. "I don't know what happened CJ. I don't know what happened."

"Donna." CJ hugs me tight before breaking away with her hands on my shoulders. "Josh called me late last night or I would have gotten on an earlier flight. Donna, he's a mess and so are you."

"You talked to him?" I breath, leaning back into the corner of the couch.

"Yeah, he seemed really worried about you." CJ pushes herself off the couch and walks towards one of the bathrooms. She disappears before coming back out with a box of tissues and sits it on the couch next to me. "Frankly, I'm pretty worried about you too. I've never seen you this upset in my life, Donna."

"I've never been this upset in my life." I laugh dryly through my tears. I don't know where to start. "I know he's your friend and…"

"And you're my friend too and he's devastated Donna. I know Josh and this is…he's a mess too. He tried to act all pulled together, but he's a wreck." CJ tells her and Donna wishes she could take any pain he was feeling away. She doesn't want him to be upset. That is enough to make her want to be sick. "But…what happened?"

"We had a fight."

"Clearly." CJ scoffs leaning back into the other side of the couch. "But you've fought before. A lot of your relationship is practically built on little arguments and banter."

"Not like this." I shake my head furiously as I try and compose myself enough to tell her. "He got back from Europe yesterday and he went straight to The White House instead of coming home and I know he does that all the time and that's fine but…"

"But what?" CJ frowns, because I know what I said isn't all that unusual and she knows that I know that. I feel like I might be sick, because somehow in my head I don't know how to explain it and it makes it all the more final in the end. "Donna."

"Josh was in Europe for two weeks which is fine. I missed him, but I get it. I know what his job requires and there are times when I am gone long too and I know we had plans, but he had to go into the White House instead. I get it. I don't want to sound like the little impatient fiancé sitting at home. I'm not.,..I get it." I explain, talking with the issue in my hand. "I just…he never called when he landed and then went straight to the office and I was worried, because Carol said they landed. Then when I called him, he sent it to voicemail and sent me a text that said, 'Not now."

"Not now?" CJ retorts, shaking his head. "Well, that was his first mistake. He should have just said something came up or even that he would call you when he got a chance."

"I know it's not a big deal and he was probably in the middle of something serious, but when he got home, he was mad at me." I sigh, scratching at the messy pony tail on my head. "He was cranky and irritable and I would be too, but he was mad that I was upset at all and then I made the mistake of saying, I don't know if I can have a baby when I don't even know if my kids' father will be home. I didn't mean it, but I was so upset that he was mad at me and really, I shouldn't…"

"Wait a minute." CJ jumps up in her seat with her hand out. "Donna, are you pregnant?"

"What? No…I'm not. Trust me, I'm not." I deny quickly, because I know with exact certainty that is not the case, but then I see her confusion and decide take a deep breath before meeting her eyes again. "We were trying. It hadn't happened yet."

"Trying to get pregnant?" CJ's eyes widen, before she rests an arm on the back of the couch. "Wow."

"We just…we were ready. The wedding is…was coming and we both wanted…the point is I'm not and thank God." I groan, falling back against the couch. "CJ…I don't even know. Somehow it became about both of us defending out careers and our actions and him feeling like I am angry for how much he works and I'm not."

"You understand it more than any other woman would." CJ affirms, then takes my hand and lets out a deep breath that I can tell she's been holding. "Did he break up with you or did you dump the Lemon?"

"He brought it up first." I breathe as I shift on the overstuffed couch. "I was just so mad and hurt that I fed into it."

"Well, you were angry with him." CJ shrugs, pushing her hair behind her ears. They sit in silence for a moment and my head is throbbing now. "And he was angry with you, except neither one of you seems to realize the person you're mad it is yourselves. Not the other person. So instead, breaking up is the only solution."

"It is?" I frown, wishing she had something more helpful to say. "Great."

"No, but it feels that way." CJ smiles weakly, before pushing her self up to walk into her open kitchen. "Even after Danny and I got together, it hasn't always been rainbows and butterflies but you work through things."

"We broke up, CJ." I remind her, swallowing the lump in my throat. "I know you weren't in the apartment with us, but I assure you it looked and felt very final. He said I could stay there until I got a new place."

"Well, he's a dumbass. Josh isn't exactly fully equipped for the healthy relationship fight so he handles it like he's in peace negotiations with a wall." CJ shrugged as she began to put water in the coffee pot. As she searches her cabinets and finds the coffee grounds, she begins to speak again. "Josh Lyman loves you more than he loves anything or anyone. What you guys' need is a break, not a breakup. You need to take time a part and really evaluate what you want and how you can be happy with this demanding lifestyle. Although, I think this really has little to do with the jobs."

"And the wedding?" I swallow, looking down at the engagement ring on my finger. I will myself not to cry when I think about how he took us to the building of the campaign office where we first met and got down on one knee in the middle of the night. "The dress fittings, caterers…The Bartlet's!"

"Don't cancel it yet. We don't need a story if we can avoid it." CJ insists, reaching around to plug the coffee pot into the wall. "We can always come up with a reason to postpone, but let's not touch it yet. If I know Josh Lyman and I do, he wants to marry you. Do you want to marry him?"

"I wanted to marry him, yes." It pains me as I say it and maybe it's the confusion, but in this moment, I'm not sure that the want to marry Josh is stronger than the hurt I feel. "I…of course I love him."

"Okay." CJ walks over, checking her watch. "Well, I have a few hours until I am meeting an old friend on the Hill. I think we should get you cleaned up and maybe some sleep? You can stay in the guest room; I keep it made up and I could come hang out and watch something dramatic like The Notebook with you."

"I can't sleep right now, but I will have a cup of coffee." I gesture to the coffee pot that is freshly brewed in the kitchen and push myself off of the couch. I feel a bit dizzy, because I haven't eaten but I know coffee will be the first step to trying to bring life back into me. Although my life is currently working at sixteen-hundred Pennsylvania Avenue in the West Wing. I hate that I feel pathetic and I hate that CJ is looking at me like I am.

CJ pours me a cup of coffee and puts the sugar and cream on the counter for me to make it to my liking and again I feel like the tears might come. I think I have cried more over Josh than Dr Freeride, Jack Reese and any other man combined. I can see my reflection in the mirror across the room and I don't even recognize my face. CJ and I aren't talking as we sip the coffee, but she does put a hand on my back when she can tell I am feeling emotional again. There is something about this step-in life that makes me feel like I won't survive. That calling out of work today was the right choice, but that the rest of my days will be consumed with dread and fear of what seeing him will feel like. But for now, I'll slip into the guest room and think about how one argument blew up in record time. How we said things we can't take back. How I said things I didn't even mean, because I was so angry that I couldn't think clearly. I broke his heart as much as he broke mine, but I didn't mean half of what I said. I don't know what came over me. All I know is I am slowly dying, waiting for a life raft. Something to keep me afloat.