This morning's meeting with the Joint Chief's ran a bit long and I find myself rushing into my office with hopes of getting right to work on picking apart some legislation we are sending over to the Hill as early as next week. We have had plenty of aides look it over, but with twelve billion on the line, we want it to be clean and clear. Later I have a meeting with the Vice President, so I need to get right to work and frankly I just want to be busy. The President had insisted I take a few days off and I did, but like Donna, I returned to work today. I couldn't sit at a hotel for one more day. Not after yesterday. I don't know how to explain what happened yesterday. I had made a last minute decision to be there when she got to the apartment. I wanted to see how she was doing for myself and tell her I just think we should take a break while I sort out whatever happened. I had been telling myself I didn't have a right to be emotional after breaking up with her, but she was there and she looked so small and sad. Even after Gaza, she didn't look like this. It broke me and then we needed each other. We shouldn't have done it. It wasn't going to help anything and when it was over, it felt wrong. It felt like we were being selfish and that maybe I was sending her mixed signals. I went back to the hotel and showered, feeling ashamed of what I was doing to the woman who had been by my side.
The truth is, she said things but I caused this. None of this would have happened if it were not for me. I said things that any woman would flip out about. I find myself wondering if she really believes those things she said to me. Was she rethinking having a baby or being my wife? Was I bottling everything up like she said? Still, something had happened on the plane on the way back from Europe and it messed with my head. I had a conversation with a congressman from Texas just an hour after some negotiations on energy fell apart and it was a recipe for disaster. The congressman probably meant well, but when I got off the flight I was different. I found myself defensive, guilty and a little angry. I was tired and my anger was building up as I thought more about the conversation. I found myself mad at Donna for no reason as the driver took my the White House to our apartment. Mad at her for things she might say one day, but had never even shown signs of feeling. Who does that? No, we need a break as I work through this. I've been carrying Stanley Keyworth's business card in my pocket, toying with the idea of asking for his help.
As I sit at my desk, I reach for a red pen so I can begin to make any necessary notes. She's just over in the East Wing today and so I need to keep busy. This job requires a lot of my focus and I know seeing her runs the risk of derailing me. Okay, that's a cop out. I can focus just fine. I'm avoiding her. Let's call it what it is. I lean back in my chair, tapping my pen against the paper. Focus.
"You got a sec?" I hear and look up to see Sam in the entryway of my office.
"Uh yeah." I lean forward, tossing the stack of documents back on my desk and he walks in, taking a chair across from me. "What's up?"
"We have a problem with the twelve billion." Sam announces, adjusting his thin rimmed glasses.
"We have a problem?" I question, trying to think of which politician is causing an issue.
"We do." He confirms.
"What is our problem, Sam?" I ask, my eyes widening. "Did McDonald suddenly decide he wanted a million of it to go building a moat in front of abortion clinics?"
"No, but don't give him any ideas." Sam suggests, shaking his head. "No, this might be a bigger problem for us though."
"What's the issue then?" I ask, eying him suspiciously over the dim office lights.
"The First Lady wants two million designated for research on government childcare programs." Sam explains, with a little smile on his face. He hands me a piece of paper explaining her request. "Sent over bright and early and signed by The Donna Moss."
"She didn't." I groan, tossing the paper on my desk before pinching the bridge of my nose. It isn't like Donna to just throw legislation out or interfere. In fact, she's normally keeping the First Lady out of it unless it was a really important initiative. "Okay…you know what I need to do?"
"You need to go see Donna." Sam quizzes as I stand up.
"I'm going to go see Donna." I stand up, reaching for my suit jacket. I feel a little nervous, because I was going to try and avoid her, but this is too important to get derailed. "I'm going to tell my fiancé that we can't make any changes. It's too last minute and…"
"Ex-fiancé." Sam corrects me.
"Not Ex." I argue, shaking my head. I don't like the term 'ex,' even if we did briefly break up. Maybe I don't know what is happening with us, but I can't stomach her being anything but mine. "We're taking a break."
"Are we on an episode of Friends?" Sam jokes as I walk around my desk. I look back at him and he stands up from his desk. "I'm meeting with the President at ten, but let me know if Donna tries to beat you up."
"Yeah." I say, before I head over towards the First Lady's office. I'm walking quickly, but dread is rising in my chest. I need to handle this, but I'm not ready to see Donna. Not after yesterday. I wave as I pass one of the press aides, giving them a light nod before heading into the halls of the East Wing. I'm hoping Donna is away from her desk and I can turn around or just meet with The First Lady instead. It's unlikely, but I repeatedly plead with my thoughts. Maybe she ran to the restroom or took a meeting on The Hill. It's a Monday so there is always a chance.
When I arrive at her office, her receptionist Justine is at her desk, sorting through some mail. I want to hesitate to enter, but I just power through with a mission on my mind."Is Donna in?"
"Hey Josh!" Justine beams, sitting a stack of envelopes down. "She's just off a call. I'm sure she'll be happy to see you."
"Yeah, I wouldn't count on that." I sigh, bypassing Justine and strolling into Donna's office. She's focused at her desk, her fingers on her temple as she reads from a book and mouths the words to herself. It's actually one of my favorite ways to find her, because when she's working hard to understand something she's fueled by determination. Her hair is pulled back into a tight ponytail, leaving her creamy skin exposed and if things were different, I would sneak a little nip at her neck right here in her office.
"What do you want, Josh?" She speaks suddenly and I'm reminded of how quick she can feel me lingering. I can do the same, but she's always one step ahead of me. She closes the book and looks up.
"Two million for research aimed at government childcare programs isn't going to happen for this bill." I declare, my hands moving to my hips. Donna doesn't say anything, she just looks up and sits back in her chair. She's wearing one of my favorite dresses and suddenly I feel like I'm a target of a game of Cat and Mouse. She just looks at me as if to say 'And?' so I just keep talking. "Okay, we have a bill almost perfectly packaged and you can't just come after it as a way to get back at me."
"Josh, I appreciate the confidence you have in me to play dirty." She speaks, standing up from the desk. "But if I send something to your office with legislative notes, it comes at the request of the First Lady. Not my feelings about our relationship."
"You're telling me that the First Lady suddenly requests that we make a change to a package we've been working on for months, just coincidentally after we pause our relationship?" I quiz, reaching for a stress ball shaped like a block of cheese on her desk, a gift I bought her when I flew to Wisconsin a few months ago. "A little suspiciously timed."
"She called me first thing this morning." Donna counters, pulling the stress ball from my hand. "Give me my cheese. You've lost the right to squeeze my cheese."
I stand there in shock for a moment as she walks and tosses it into her desk drawer. As I get ready to open my mouth again, a door opens and I hear a familiar voice. "Josh Lyman, why don't you come into my office?"
"Sure, Helen." I sigh and Donna just shrugs, sitting down at her desk. The First Lady of the United States is standing in the entryway of her office, gesturing to me to join her. I look at Helen Santos then back at Donna who is now sitting there with her arms crossed. I feel like a dead man walking in both directions. I throw out a little wave to Donna before I walk across the office and into Helen's.
"Have a seat, Josh." Helen directs me to a chair, before sitting down at her desk. She runs a hand over her skirt, making sure it's tidy. "I've been trying to figure out how I was going to get you in here without anyone getting suspicious."
"Wow…I'm flattered, M'am." I say, chuckling a little but when I see her face doesn't break into even a small grin I stiffen up. "Look, I know you want the two million for…"
"I figured it was a little late for that." Helen interrupts, clasping her hands together on the desk. "I told you, I needed a reason to get you in here. We need to talk and I didn't want Donna to know anything else."
"We do?" I frown, looking around her office, suddenly realizing I've only been in here briefly. "You had her draft a letter interfering with legislation as a ruse to get me in here? You couldn't have her send a memo that you were requesting time with me?"
"Now, where is the fun in that? You guys play tricks…I wanted to have some fun too." Helen shrugs, leaning back with a smirk on her face. My jaw drops a little and then I start to wonder what she wants. She can tell, because her face softens. "I want to know what Congressman Collins said to you on that plane back from Paris."
"What?" I question, shaking my head. I don't know why Helen is asking about the Congressman, but I now suspect this is her wanting more information on why Donna and I are in this position.
"Matt said you were in a bad mood after the energy talks, but that you were in a deep discussion with Collins and by the time you arrived back at the White House, everything about you was different." She explains. I'm surprised that the President and Helen discussed this in their rare bit of alone time, but Helen knows she's pieced something together. "Matt claims guy code is that he doesn't ask you about it, so I am. What changed on that 8 hour flight?"
"I don't mean any disrespect Helen, but…" I start as I begin to get up from the chair, but she leans forward as if she wants to stop me.
"Do you still love her? I know you do. No matter the occasion, there is nobody else in the room if she's there with you. You're fascinated by her." She cuts me off and I look at her, feeling immediately offended and Helen looks almost desperate. "Something happened on the flight. It wasn't the energy bill. I know it made you mad, but you've had talks fall through before. You're not clever enough to carry on an affair. No…something about your talk with Congressman Collins. He put something in your head or you talked about something. Josh, just answer me. Do you still love her?"
"I…do I still love her? Are you kidding me?" I snap. I sit back down, throwing my body into the chair as I lean forward and try to keep my voice down. Donna is just on the other side of the heavy dark wood doors, but I feel offended by the question. "I love her more than anything in this entire world. She gave her life to me and I put her through so much and she came back for more and worked to get your husband elected. You want to know if I still love her? I will never stop loving her."
"Then why? Why did this happen and you can't just say it's the fight or the things she said. Fights happen and are stupid, but they don't just result in breaking up." Helen bites, crossing her arms. "If you still love her, you need to figure this out. Either fix it and show her how much you love her or let her go. She's an amazing woman, Josh and she loves you maybe even more than she should right now. If you have no intention of addressing the issuer then let her go and I'll find another suitable man for her in Washington. Lord knows they would be lining up!"
"Can you stop?" I groan, running my hands through my hair and I feel the frustration building. Even a small thought of Donna with someone else makes me sick.
"She's putting on an act out there. Don't get me wrong. She's tough as nails, but its different. She's a little broken and confused." Helen says suddenly, not caring how it makes me feel. "She barely eats, she's throwing herself into anything in this office that will keep her busy and it's her first day back. I'm her boss, but before that she's my friend and I want her to be happy, which means if that means with you, I want you to be happy too. So I need something to work with. Something to stand by and have hope so I know she's not holding on for nothing."
I try to let Helen's words marinate and I try to digest more of my conversation with the republican congressman. I don't know what to say and I don't have a ton of time to be dealing with this, but it slips out anyways. "I sent her to Gaza and she almost died. She spends more nights at home alone than with me or worse, falling asleep on the couch in my office while I work, I'm in a world where most of us end up with a divorce…she doesn't complain but she deserves more than that. Not to mention I don't have the best track record for keeping people around me alive and somehow she doesn't leave me."
"Josh…" Helen frowns, pushing up from her desk. "Whatever Collins said to you…you're not Leo McGarry."
"There are a lot worse things to be called then Leo." I chuckle weakly.
"True." Helen nods, against her desk. "You have what I hear are his best skills, but he was a loyalist to the job to a fault. You can still be good at your job, loyal and have your life. Matt was adamant that his staff still be with their families, even if that meant spreading you guys out in different ways. You can be the best of Leo and still be the best Josh to Donna."
"And what happens when one day, shes been waiting for me and she decides she's done?" I ask.
"Donna gets this job more than any other woman would and if she hasn't bailed yet, she isn't bailing due to your hours. She stayed with you through the time you called a White House reporter an idiot for suggesting Matt was plotting to stack the courts or the time you walked into a wall on national television." Helen laughed weakly. She leans forward putting a hand on my shoulder. "You're busy and I know that. I just wanted you in here to do a temperature check and encourage you to start working through whatever you need to work through to get back to her. She's patient, but right now she's convinced you don't want to be with her anymore. Don't let her go on believing that if you don't want her to believe it."
"Yeah…" I stand, not really sure how to feel about this conversation. I adjust my tie and turn to FLOTUS who is returning to sitting at her desk. "You won't tell her…about…"
"No, she thinks this is about the two million and I think it's easier to let her go on thinking that." Helen smiles weakly, waving towards the door. "Be sure to say something snarky on the way out about it."
"Will do." I smile weakly, throwing up a little wave before opening the heavy door and stepping out into Donna's office. She isn't at her desk, but I look around at the big room and silently wonder if I have ever told her just how proud of her I am. I've thought of telling her many times, but I don't think I have ever just said it. Sometimes I think I get a little nostalgic and sensitive about her no longer working for me and refrain from saying too much about her job wins. Just as I go down that road, Donna walks quickly into her office, stopping when she sees me. "Hey."
"Hello." She breathes, walking past me with little focus as I am standing in her space. "Did you get everything squared away with the First Lady?"
"Yeah…listen…" I start, my hands sliding into my pockets nervously. "I was thinking maybe we should…"
"Josh, I have a meeting in ten minutes and I can't really chat." She says, her ponytail swinging as she sits down. Never once looking up at me. "Can you close the door on your way out?"
Tell her she looks nice. That you love her dress. Say something.
Instead of saying anything, I just nod and step out of her large office and close the door behind me. I have a lot to work on. A lot to figure out. All I know is I love her and being with her is better than being without her and the very idea that another man could take my place is nauseating. I've seen her date other people that aren't me and I was miserable. A possibility I'll have to face if I don't figure this out.
.