I've come up with a million and one excuses that I could give the First Lady for me to skip tonight, but if I'm being honest I want to go. I don't want to sit in CJ's apartment tonight and cry. I've done a humiliating amount of it and frankly, I like getting dressed up. I debate whether I want to wear the earrings Josh got me for my birthday at tonight's event. They are gold and diamond David Yurman earrings I had shown him from a magazine, only to say 'Oh those are pretty' and then weeks later they were on my pillow when I woke up. I could count his ability to listen to what I say as one of his strengths and one of the things I am missing he most right now. The earrings look great with my dark blue gown, but I don't know if it's the right move. Josh will likely look good with my dress too, but I try not to think about it. There is a gala at The Kennedy Center with a performance by my favorite, Yo-Yo Ma. A part of me is nervous for Josh. He rarely has a major PTSD episode, but I'll admit I am a bit worried that it might show its ugly head tonight. We haven't spoken since he was in my office a few days ago and I know stress can also trigger an attack. I vow that no matter what is going on with us, I will be there for him if he gets worked up tonight. He'll need someone and I know him best. Not that he'll want me to, he doesn't seem to need me at all right now.
I look at the earrings one last time, closing the box and going with my Tory Burch earrings instead. I need to be making smarter choices. As I finish putting them on, I wince and run a hand over my lower already bloated abdomen. Clearly mother nature has sent my time of the month and it's a bad one. I've been cramping for the last few hours and while I considered it as an excuse to bail, the last thing I need is one member of the press to speculate about Josh being there without me. I once had Bronchitis and a high fever, according to People Magazine I had kicked Josh out for sleeping with Annabeth. The rumor mill is brutal and Annabeth was offended. So I will pop some Advil and pray for the best. I grab my lipgloss, powder and a couple of essentials and place them into a gold evening clutch.
I look to the side again, making sure my dress doesn't look too bad with the bloat before exiting the bathroom in the East Wing. I want to procrastinate, but I know I have to be ready to be in the car with Josh and the First Couple. So, I grab my shawl from Justine's desk and make my way over to The West Wing. I run into Bram on the way, smiling as he opens his arms for a hug. "Look at you Handsome, hot date?"
"Actually yes, I'm taking her to The Bombay Club." He nods, adjusting his jacket. "You look magnificent. Josh is a lucky man."
"Tell him that." I laugh weakly. It's a light joke, but I immediately worry that it will cause him to speculate. I adjust my cream shawl. I smile and walk towards Josh's office. I would rather go find Helen and Potus, but I know the optics are better if I find my fiance. Or Ex-fiance. Or…whatever I should be calling him. I pause for a moment, feeling a bit of a chill as my cramps rage on but quickly gather myself and stand outside of Josh's office, learning in the doorway. "Josh?"
"Hey." He looks up, fumbling with his bowtie., We just look at each other for a moment as he fails to properly assemble it. "Could you…"
"Yeah." I breathe, walking across his office and I take it from his hand and put it on over his head, laying it flat and pulling one side longer than the other. I can't tell you how many times I have tied a bowtie for him, but it always feels like one of our most intimate shared moments. "You may need to learn to do this on your own."
"I don't want to learn how." He says quietly, looking down at my dress. He lets out a mouthy groan. "You look good."
"Thanks…" I smile weakly and run the two ends together, forming a small loose knot.
"Do you need to put your stuff in my pocket?" He asks, moving his hand to my waist. I immediately feel a little warmer when his hand is on the silk of my dress.
"No, I brought a clutch." I reply, neglecting to push his hand away. I should, but something about it feels a little comforting.
"Since when do you carry a clutch?" He groans, putting his hand out. "Give me your lipgloss…I'll carry it."
"Josh…Josh." I sigh, passing one end through the loop I made. "Taking a break to figure things out means we don't do things like couple things."
"I carried your stuff before we were ever a couple." He argues as I finish off the bowtie and drop my hands.
"Can you stop?" I half laugh, before wincing a bit. The pain isn't too terrible, but I honestly wish I could just take a hot bath. The first thing I will do when I get back to CJ's, but find myself wishing I had my favorite bath products that are still out home. Josh's home.
"What's wrong?" He frowns, his eyes narrowing.
"Nothing, just lady things." I answer, pushing his wandering hand away from my waist. Josh puts his hand immediately back, his fingers reaching to push hair behind my ears. "What are you doing? You wanted a break."
"We might be taking a break, but I still really like touching you." He teases, pressing his head to mine as his thumb strokes my cheek. I internally roll my eyes at myself. I need to stop him, but I miss him so much and just for a moment I want to enjoy this safe feeling. "You're fun to touch."
"Josh…stop." I groan, before he presses a soft kiss to my lips. For a moment I want to, but instead I pull my lips away from his. I know if I don't stop, my head will go somewhere else and that can't happen right now. Josh knows what to do to turn me on and in moments like this, it's dangerous. "You..you can't do that."
"I know but…" He whines a little as I walk back to grab my clutch and there is a knock on the open door.
"Josh…Donna…" President Santos and Helen Santos are in the doorway and my eyes meet Helen's. "The motorcade is ready for us."
"Of course." I say, adjusting my shawl and stepping out of the office near Helen. Josh looks at me before stepping out and walking alongside the President.
"Did we interrupt something?" Helen asks quietly as we follow behind the men. We don't follow behind symbolically most of the time. Helen and I have become the closest of friends so we just stick together naturally.
"Not at all." I lie, tucking my clutch under my arm. I pushed my hair behind my ears and suddenly wished I had put it up. I'm feeling a little out of breath and I think it would have felt better.
"Are you feeling okay?" Helen frowns, stopping in her tracks.
"What do you mean?" I ask, looking down at my dress. I worry maybe something has shown on my dress but it doesn't appear to have. The truth is I feel like I need to be in bed, but I refuse to 'call in' with monthly cycle.
"You just look really pale and tired." She frowns, putting a motherly hand to my head.
"Wow, you know how to charm a lady." I joke, taking a few steps. Helen hesitates, but when I nod my head to keep up with the President and Josh she begins walking again. "It's just monthly stuff, Helen. Unless you can get a Presidential Proclamation ruling period pain a nuisance, I think I just need to work through it. ."
"Of course, but maybe it's something we should fight for." She smiles weakly, before we reach the car. Josh and I get in first as Helen and Matt wave at the press corps. When I take my seat next to Josh, he immediately and likely instinctively puts his hand on my thigh. I look around, before pushing it away.
"Sorry." Josh sighs and before I can acknowledge him, the President and Helen slide into the car. "Just so you know Mr. President, the first person you'll greet when we get to the Kennedy Center is Morgan Freeman. He's the host of the evening."
"Good to know." Matt adjusts his tie and Helen lightly touches her hair. I already feel like the car is too hot, but Helen leans forward and opens a vent near me. "Is it hot in here or something?"
"I just thought maybe we could use some air flow." Helen says with her eyes on me. She's been a very protective friend lately. She likely senses the anxious feeling I have about Josh and I appreciate it. I don't know how to navigate this situation with Josh and having Helen nearby has been a great distraction. I close my eyes, trying not to feel as nauseous as I feel right now. The car is making a few turns and mixed with my pain I am just ready to be there.
"You, sure you're alright?" Josh asks and I can feel his eyes on me.
"Are you sick, Donna?" Matt asks, as I brace myself on the leather seats.
"I promise, I am fine." I put a hand up, leaning back and just silently praying that we could get there fast. Every now and then I get a little car sick and tonight is one of those times. We're just minutes away and Josh puts his hand on mine and I think he's trying to comfort me. If I wasn't so focused on trying to breathe, I would swat it away. He knows me well and is just trying to do his part. It's a little known fact that we occasionally laugh about when we're having our couple's nights. Josh has stories about us on the campaign trail and talks about how I usually need to be in the front seat. However in the motorcade, that isn't an option. For safety.
"Donna, they'll charge me if you vomit all over the car." Matt jokes and I try not to laugh, my head back as I look at the ceiling of my car.
"Ba…Donna, we'll be there in a minute." Josh reassures me. I close my eyes, letting him rub my arm as we drive. I know once we get there, I'll be fine. I need to be standing and getting out of this car.
"Donna if you end up not feeling well tonight, we can have a driver take you home." Helen adds, leaning into her husband's shoulder. "Don't hesitate to tell us if you're not feeling up to this."
"I promise, I am fine." I reply, giving her a soft smile.
"Okay." She smiles. As we approach the Kennedy Center, I feel a wave of relief. The car is going to stop and the Advil will kick in. I'll be good as new. I'll be able to maintain my sense of awareness to draw a line with Josh. If he's going to work through whatever is on his mind, clearly he still needs me to keep him focused and in this case, it means drawing a line between us.
The motorcade slows, then comes to a stop and we're here. Thank God. The driver opens the door and the First Couple get out before Josh and I. Josh then steps out and turns around to hold a hand out for me. I take his hand and let him lead me away from the black car. I'm filled with relief as the fresh air hits my face. I'm good now. I still have cramps, but I can feel some immediate relief on the nausea front. There is press everywhere, so Josh and I pose for a few photos which the press loves. For a bit, I had forgotten about how our wedding has become a top interest for them. It reminds me that we're going to have to make a decision soon and I can't help but think CJ is right about the postponing. As Josh wraps his arm around me to pose, we fall naturally into our sweep smiles before quickly joining them inside. Since they had the President arrive right before the show starts, we're whisked away to our seats.
Sometimes I am still stunned about how robotic these moments can be. To some they may seem glamorous, but the Secret Service has it down to an art. Josh and I are seated and I watch as he clutches his program. I lean over quietly, to whisper. "Josh if you…if you need me when the music starts…you can squeeze my hand."
He looks at me, smiling weakly. "Thanks."
"Yeah." I nod, A moment later, the lights in the house lower and minutes later the famous host comes out for the evening. Having just greeted the President minutes ago, Morgan Freeman begins to tell us what we're in for this evening. I rest a hand on my stomach, willing these cramps to stop as I think they may be starting to ease up a bit. Josh looks at me from moment to moment, checking to see if I am okay. I wonder if it's really obvious that the cramps are wearing me out tonight. At some point he takes my hand, but the music hasn't even started.
"Donna?" Josh whispers, leaning in to whisper in my ear.
"Yeah?" I breathe.
"You good? You're squeezing my hand. " I look over at him and then down at our hands where my knuckles are tensely holding his hand. I release my grip and smile weakly. "Sorry, just really excited for Yo-Yo Ma."
I put my hands back in my lap and begin to watch as the show begins. Some sort of opening act with dancers from a local ballet school. I'll admit that tonight is a night I would rather be at home in my pajamas, watching some reality tv or something. Ideally with Josh to rub my back. He takes the best care of me when I am under the weather, but tonight I will have to settle for the show and then go home alone, taking care of myself. I'll survive, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him tonight. Tonight, I wish we could just press play and then he'd rub my back until I fall asleep with hopes of feeling better in the morning. I'll self soothe, but I really wish he would get it together. I wish just for tonight, we had it together enough to make it work. I contemplate what would happen if I went to his apartment to sleep just for tonight. Would we put aside all of this for the evening. Would he rub my back in soft, slow and circular motions until I fell asleep? Would he draw me a bath and put a warm cloth on my head? As I feel a little bit of sweat on my brow, I take a deep breath. I don't feel great, but it will pass. Being a woman isn't always a beautiful thing. He looks at me again and I smile warmly, urging him to enjoy the show. If he needs me, I'll be right here.