TRIGGER WARNING-Covering some women's health issues.
My brain is swirling as I try to control my thoughts and questions. We've been at George Washington University Hospital for the past four hours and the First Lady has been in with Donna for the last hour. When the doctor came with an update, I wanted to go in, but Donna asked for Helen. I suppose Helen may be better equipped to handle this first and at this moment, I am grateful that my boss's wife has formed such an amazing bond with Donna. We know what happened, but I don't understand it. It doesn't make sense. Or maybe it does and that's why it hurts even more. The doctor came out a little over an hour ago and told us that Donna was seven weeks pregnant and had experienced an incomplete miscarriage. That there was no real explanation for why this happened. The doctor said she sees it all the time, but that they were going to start medications to resolve the issue and that Donna would be ready to go home in a few hours to recover and finish the process.
The last time I cried in a hospital was when Leo died on election night. Tonight I am crying for someone that never got to experience life. I'm crying for Donna, because I can never understand what she's feeling. I'm crying for me, because I lost something I fell in love with after knowing it was already gone. I'm crying for my mother, who would have been thrilled to know she was going to be a grandmother. Something she asked me about the first day she ever met Donna. Then tonight I called her, because I was scared and didn't know what to do. She said she would be on the first flight out in the morning. Long before we knew we were going to ever pursue anything, my mom loved Donna. That there was nothing that could have been done. Sometimes it just happens, I hear the sound of heels walking down a wide cold looking hallway and Helen approaches me. "I told her I would send you in after a few minutes."
"Did the doctor say anything new?" I ask, wiping at my nose. "Should we have come here earlier?"
"There is nothing you could have done. They started the medication, but as far as miscarriages go it's mostly routine. As insensitive as that sounds." Helen adjusts her wrap, and leans against the wall next to me. She'e looks like she's cried too. "She's quite emotional. I swear I broke down just watching her cry."
"I wonder if all the stress…" I begin.
Helen cuts me off, putting a hand on my arm before I say anything else. "Josh, you both are going to question a million things and stress I am sure can play a role, but the doctor seemed pretty sure that this was going to happen with this pregnancy."
"But he can't be sure?" I ask and Helen takes a deep breath. I guess it's just one of those things I'll ask myself for a long time. "Can she still come home tonight?"
"They'll discharge her in a few hours and it will probably be another day or two before it's…finished." Helen swallows. "I told her she needs to take at least a week, maybe two off. She can take longer if she needs. Emotionally and physically, she's going to need some time."
"I um…I want her to come home with me tonight." I mutter, crossing my arms. "I need her with me tonight."
"I made that suggestion and she said she would think about it." Helen nods and I'm surprised she has my back. "I told her you care about her and that you two should be together."
"I need to talk to The President." I say, knowing I am going to need some time off work. I know it probably won't be as long as Donna, but for the next few days she has to be my focus. It has nothing to do with us and getting back to where we were. I simply need to take care of her.
"I'll have him call you in the morning." Helen responds and they stand in silence again. "I'm sure it's no problem. This has to be more important for a moment."
"Yeah,I'm not sure the rest of the country agrees." I breathe, making a mental note to call Sam later and fill him in. If I am being honest, for the second time ever I don't care about politics. What I care about is Donna. "I'll work from home and make sure everything is properly staffed.
"Josh, I'm not the president and I'm not here as anyone other than your friend at the moment." Helen says before wrapping me in a hug. I hear a light cry in her voice and I remind myself how I picked the right guy. The real deal with a wife that was the real deal for Donna. That is a rarity in this field. "I'm here to make sure you and Donna are okay. And to hopefully make sure that you and I don't have another heart to heart for a very long time."
"Yeah, twice in a week." I laugh, pulling away. Looking down the hallway that Helen came from, I know I need to go see Donna now. "Are you going to head back now?"
"Yes, I'll have them take me back to the White House." Helen responds, reaching for her clutch. "Go see her."
"Thank you, Helen." I smile weakly, before turning to walk down the hall. I take a deep breath, pushing down any more tears I have.
"And Josh?" Helen calls after me, stopping me midstep. I look back at her and she takes a deep breath. Almost to think about it for a moment.
"Yeah?" I ask after she doesn't say anything.
"Be patient with her." Helen announces, before gesturing to a secret service member and they begin to follow her.
Before I start walking again, a question comes to my mind. "Helen?"
"Yes?" She stops, turning around.
"Did you know?" I ask and what I am really asking, Helen already knows. She knows I want to know what Donna knew and didn't know.
"She took tests. She was convinced she was." Helen answers, looking down for a moment before lifting her head. "She took some before Europe and one during, but they were negative and she figured you guys would try again when you got back. She really didn't know, Josh."
"Thank you." I say as Helen resumes walking away. There are a few secret service members of mine who are following me down the hall and at this moment I wish they weren't around. They've always been amazing at letting us have our space, but right now they feel overwhelming. When I get to her hospital room, I stop before I go in the doorway. The truth is, I don't know what to expect and I don't know what to say. If Donna was seven weeks along, it means she got pregnant right around the time we started trying. Somehow that makes this more painful. We had decided we wanted something badly enough and it happened. Then it went away. All while we were falling apart,
I nod at my security before heading into the room, pushing back a thin gray curtain and Donna looks up at me, a tissue in her hand, her eyes and nose dark red from crying and in a hospital gown. Immediately I feel like I could lose my breath and fall down to my death. She just cries quietly, looking down at her hands in defeat. "Donna."
"Don't, Josh." She puts her hand up, as if to stop me from coming closer. Not a chance. "I don't need you right now."
"Yes you do." I say quietly, stepping forward. I try not to feel the stab in my chest, but it's there.
"No." She gasps, tears escaping her lips as she stiffens in the bed, but I don't stop, I just move closer, now at her bedside. "This was the last thing holding us together so if you want your space and your time and for this to be over…it's over. The last thing that was yours and mine…God Josh. It's a sign if I ever saw one."
"Donna…if it was a sign, it's not the one you think." I swallow, sitting down on her bedside as she shakes her head again. I reach for her hand, but she pulls it away. "I know I have made the last couple weeks of your life really difficult, but I'm not bailing. I'm here."
"You aren't happy and you need your space. Gather ye damn rosebuds Josh and leave." She says, reaching for the ring on her finger. I don't know what comes over me, but I throw my hand over hers, stopping her from taking it off. She struggles, but I just tighten my grip. I can't let her take the ring off. "Stop…let me take it off. You can have it back. You don't want me to have it."
"No." I say firmly, placing my other hand on the back of her neck, trying to stroke her side softly. I know I've put her through Hell and I know Before tonight, I had a lot of questions. I'm still not done resolving issues, but I know one thing is for sure. She can't take that ring off and I can't leave her right now. That ring belongs on her finger and if she takes it off right now, we're in trouble. I left Germany and mistakes were made. It took us a long time to find our way back. Shit to figure out or not, I can't let this be a repeat. "Donna…no. Don't."
"No." She repeats as a sob escapes her lips, pushing her arms against my chest. "Let me take it off. Let me go."
"No." I breathe, barely holding in my tears as I move next to her on the bed, wrapping my arms around her. It's at this very moment that I think I realize how badly she wants to be a mom. We talked about kids, but we never talked about a passion for them. I knew she wanted them and she knew I wanted kids with her. I didn't realize that maybe this was something Donna needed. That maybe my fun, fierce and lively and smart girl from Wisconsin, was made for more than a world of politics. She was destined to work in politics, she was meant to complete me and made to be a mom. I've seen her with kids and she's magical. After a moment She stops fighting me, dropping her hands and leaving her ring in its place. Now she's just crying on my shoulder as I try not to cry too. I have a million things I want to say. That I'm not going to leave her side, that I want us together while I try to sort this out. All of that can wait, but for now, I just need her. "I'm sorry."
"I don't know why I am crying over something I didn't even know I had." She spoke quietly as her sobs slowed.
"It's because it was something quite spectacular…" I whisper, trying to envision for just a moment what it would have been like. I'm pained that I can't picture this baby. I can picture Donna pregnant in the future, what our kids might look like, but this child…it pains me that I can't picture it. Him or her. "Donna, I'm so sorry."
"I can't talk about you being sorry or our fight or whatever right now…" She breathed, lifting her head. She stiffens up her body again and I pull my arms away. She's hiccuping from the tears, but her fingers begin to twist at the tissue. "One thing I am incredibly aware of right now is that you and I are not working like this. Us being a part isn't working."
"I know." I nod, pushing some hair behind her ears. "I don't like being apart like this, Donna. I know I basically asked for it, but I hate it and…"
"And we're not working together." She whispers, trying to hold strong. "We're not working."
"Donna…" My voice shakes.
"Let me finish. " She breathes, wincing a little as she touches her abdomen. She's finding the strength to share her mind right now, even as she's in pain. I quickly put my hand to her back, rubbing it as she breathes through it. A moment later, she shivers and continues. "I'm not done with you yet. I'm not done with this, but I wasn't the one who was unhappy…"
"I don't think…"
"I'm not done, Josh. If you really want to sort some stuff out and believe that you can't, I'll wait it out. " She cuts me off, moving her hand over mine as she tries not to cry. "If you're not willing to try or you don't think it will change anything, tell me right now. I need you to give me the respect of telling me, because if this happens again or we have a fight reminiscent of that again before you straighten it out or after…I'm done. There will be no more Donna and Josh."
I don't say anything, looking down at her hand over mine. I look at the freckles on her fingers, trying to memorize them all. She's right. We're not working apart, but she makes me better. I disagree with something she said. "You're wrong though, about one thing. We do work together. When we're not screaming at each other."
"I am sorry for the things I said, because those things were wrong. I was trying to hurt you like you hurt me and I wish I hadn't." She admits, letting out a deep sigh. "But I'm serious. The window now is that you make a decision and you only get to make it once when it comes to me."
"Donna the question isn't about wanting to be with you…" I start, entangling my fingers with hers.
"Then figure it out." She shrugs with all finality in her voice. She's quietly crying again, biting her lip back for a moment before talking again. "I'm not weak. I can take a lot from you, but I won't do this again. Figure it out."
"I will." I sigh, knowing I need to call Stanley. "I promise."
"This really sucks." She admits in a whisper, trying to compose herself. "I…are you okay?"
"You always have to worry about me?" I laugh weakly, looking down at her hands. I take a deep breath, before pressing a kiss to her forehead. "No, but you're not either."
"I'm really not." She cries, resting her head against mine. "I didn't know. I swear, it wasn't something I was hiding from you. I would have blurted it out as soon as I saw you or thrown it out during our fight."
"I know." I respond quietly, rubbing her back once she turns on her side. "I know you didn't."
"The doctor said there was nothing wrong with me, but what if there is?" She asks, shivering as she curls into me and I pull the blanket up on her. I know I need to be careful and not push, but I just need to be close to her right now.
"Donna, there is nothing wrong with you." I sniffle, running my fingers through her beautiful platinum blonde hair. For some reason it makes me think of all the dates I used to sabotage, now I'm lying in a hospital bed with her, mourning the loss of something we were given and robbed of in the same night. "I don't know why it happened, but it's not because of anything you did."
"I don't believe you." She sighed and I know I'm not done talking with her yet.
"Donna?" I stammer, rubbing her back again.
"Yeah?"
"You have to come back home." I mutter quietly. She tenses again and sits up again in the bed too quickly, clutching her side.
"Josh, not until you…" She starts, immediately getting a little angry.
"Okay, I'm the one who is going to talk now and you can't interrupt me." I smirk, holding my hand out as her shoulder's fall. I pause to see if she'll comply and she does. "First, be careful moving around so quickly. I'm not a doctor but I don't think you're supposed to move that quick."
"Fine…just talk." She groans, lying back against the pillow in defeat.
"First, you just had a major medical event and I refuse to let you deal with it alone." I explain as I push hair from her face. I'm not always the best at being clear on messages when it comes to her, but this time I want to be pretty damn clear. "We need each other. Maybe I need you a little more than you need me, but we still are pretty great together. And I don't want to figure all of this out without you. I used to sleep fine, but I can't even sleep in the apartment without and I don't want to keep staying in a hotel and if you refuse…well I have one more offer to try and sweeten the deal."
"And what's that?" Donna asks, running her finger along the cool blanket.
"I have a short Jewish woman coming to town to help us out when I have to work." I say quietly, a small grin breaking on my face.
"You told your Mom?" Donna quizzes, her eyes going wide. I don't know if she's angry or just surprised that I told her at all. I know Donna won't tell her parents. She doesn't always feel like her parents approve of some of her life choices and while she's close with them and loves them very much, she doesn't want their input on some of her life choices. Probably one being that she's not marrying a good Catholic boy or the idea that she was pregnant out of wedlock. "Josh…"
"Yeah." I breathe, taking a deep breath. "I had to and I think she'd be helpful for the both of us right now."
I can tell Donna is thinking, probably considering what if anything she wants to tell her own mother. I can also tell how tired she is, because she doesn't say anything else, she just nods and lays her head back down and I pull her to me. I'm ashamed to tell her that I felt like I needed my mother. That I don't know what to say or how to help her right now. I don't know how to even begin to navigate what just happened. The truth is, I think she can help us. I think she can help Donna get through this. I'll be there every step of the way, but I know my mom can be there when I have to be at the White House. She can help us at home, where we need a lot of work.