If I wasn't so distracted, morning television would be fascinating to me. Women sitting around a table, discussing social issues and fashion, game shows and couples arguing over paternity of a newborn. People are insane and I could totally see how this is entertainment. In fact, I make a mental note to check into this when I snap out of whatever funk I am in. Usually I am in a morning briefing at this time with the First Lady's social and press secretary, going over the remainder of the day's events and finalizing any additional details. I love my job and right now I feel like even working a little bit would distract me from whatever Hell I am in now.

Yesterday morning, Josh and I returned home from the hospital at four in the morning and instead of soaking in the empty D.C views, I got right into bed and cried until I fell asleep. Then I woke up hours later to find Josh and his mother in the kitchen, talking quietly. Sarah Lyman didn't say much when she saw me, she just got up, held my face in her hands before pressing a kiss to my head.

I actually haven't even cried since I woke up yesterday. Now, I just feel completely empty. Like something was supposed to be in my body, but wasn't. It's nothing and a lot at the same time. When Josh came into the hospital room, I was set on telling him it was over. That the universe won and I was throwing my hands up, because I was at a loss. Poof. The world gave and took something at the same time. The universe was telling me something and so I threw up my hands in defeat. Donna Moss was ready to admit defeat.

But then, something happened and my logic took control. In that moment, his family ring was one small tug from coming off my finger and he threw his hand over mine. Despite what he had said in the kitchen that day, he wasn't ready. That's when I felt compelled to lay it out for him. Bad timing or not. No worse than him screwing me days after dumping me in his apartment or trying to put the moves on when I was tying his bowtie. He needed to figure it out and I didn't care how or when, but he had one chance to figure it out. Couples fight and it wouldn't be our last one, but what happened in our apartment that day wasn't your normal fight. He was so angry at the world and he was taking it out on me. So angry that he couldn't think straight and threw out whatever he could to push me as far away as he could and then I snapped. I wouldn't have been so alarmed, except that's not Josh and I. Even our arguments are a dance that turn more into productive discussions. So I gave him the chance to sort out what was happening and I agreed to come home. Why? Because issues aside, we had just experienced one of the hardest things a couple will ever face. We needed each other. I needed him.

I can live without Josh Lyman, make no mistake. I've done it before. It isn't ideal, but I can do it. The thing is, I can't die or break without him. When my world is crumbling down, I'm used to him being right there. So I let logic take over and I ended my brief standoff of wills. If the miscarriage hadn't happened, I couldn't say that I would be in his apartment right now. Except it did and now I'm sitting with my knees to my chest, trying to replay the last seven weeks. I'd had a glass of wine a few times, but never over indulged. I went to yoga a few times and had a brief trip with The First Lady to Oregon and played dodgeball with fourth graders. I thought about my fight with Josh and how I skipped breakfast sometimes. The pregnancy tests were negative and everything seemed mostly normal. It just didn't make sense. My body had failed us.

I stretch out my legs, covering them with the thick white down comforter. Before pressing the button to turn the heating pad back on and placing it over my abdomen. Before I can lay down, there is a knock and then the door opens just a little, a moment later, Sarah Lyman comes in with a tray holding coffee mugs and what looks like a little bit of food. "Donna my girl…"

"Hey." I breathe, resting my hands in my lap as Josh's mom sits the tray on the bed.

"Josh had to run to the White House, but he said you might be ready for some tea." Sarah explains, placing a hand on my forehead and then my cheek. "He's already called twice to check on you, but you were sleeping."

"He's a worrier." I claim.

"That he is." She sighs, handing me a cup of tea and taking the other one, before sitting on the side of the bed. "I brought you some toast and butter too."

"Thank you, but I'm not really hungry at the moment." I admit and Josh's mom just places her hand over mine. I don't know what it is about her touch, but my eyes immediately begin to water and I force myself to take a deep breath. "I'm sorry. You made me toast and…thank you. That's what I meant."

"Donna." Sarah squeezes my hand and lets out a deep breath as her bracelets clink together. "You don't have to apologize."

"Is there something I am supposed to be doing?" I ask, looking down at our hands. I've had a lot of heart to hearts with Josh's mom over the years and I think maybe I can ask her anything. "I don't feel like I have the right…"

"The right to what?" She frowns and my tears start to fall again. Her face falls as she gets up to move the tray to the floor.

"To be so upset." I shrug as she climbs onto the bed, sitting on the side where Josh normally sleeps. I wasn't expecting her to join me, but she just makes herself comfortable and takes my hand again. This time, holding it a little bit tighter. "I didn't even know I was pregnant. How can I be so upset over something I barely knew existed?"

"Donna, look at me." Josh's mother shifts on the bed, tilting her head to look at me. I hesitate, because I know that I can feel the lump in my throat again. I'm on the verge of losing it again and I don't want to. "Donna…"

"I would have been more careful." I whisper as a tear falls down my cheek and she wipes it away. "I could have been taking vitamins or eating extra vegetables."

"And Josh wouldn't have yelled at you and broken up with you." She retorts, raising an eyebrow.

"He told you." I murmur through my tears, my jaw drops slightly as I look down again.

"He's kicking himself for stressing you out and I'll tell you the same thing I told him." Sarah explains. "It wasn't anything you two did. It was no one thing and it wasn't your fault. It's one of the many unfortunate wonders of parenthood. Sometimes, your child is there one moment and gone the next."

"He misses her." I cry quietly, this time squeezing her hand back. "I can tell when he's thinking about her."

"Josh loved his sister so much." She nods softly, her own eyes sparkling. "Donna, I know you don't see it as the same thing, but you're allowed to love that baby just as much as I loved Joanie. In fact, I think you know you do and that's what makes you feel like you did something wrong. You didn't. Just like I didn't cause Joanie to die and it wasn't Josh's fault that there was a fire."

"I just feel so stupid." I whisper as she wipes my tears again and I rest my head on her shoulder. "Do you think Josh was ready to be a father?"

"Absolutely not." His mom says, before breaking out into a loud laugh. Something about her laugh makes me giggle weakly. "He's not going to be ready until he's holding his baby in his arms. Just like his father."

"Oh, that's probably good for me to know." I nod slowly.

"I know he's over a decade older than you, but men truly do mature at a much slower rate." She teases and I giggle nervously. "When it's time, you two will have a baby and he's going to shine as a father."

"He looks good with a baby." I sigh, letting out a tired sigh. Recalling the day at the White House again. The way he smiled at the little one and his own face lit up. The day that led us to now. "Like really good."

"I'm sure he does." She smiles, climbing off of the bed and walking to my dresser. She grabs a hairbrush and approaches the bed again, pulling the scrunchie from my hair. As she begins brushing my hair, I look at the muted television while a vitamin commercial plays. "Josh said you guys were postponing the wedding. Don't worry, I think it's a good idea."

"You do?" I frown.

"I think you are going to need time." She admits, stroking the brush through my tangles. "You and Josh will be okay and you'll both fight for each other and figure it out. I know you're worried, but I'm not. It's the miscarriage I think you'll need the most time to heal and get over losing a baby. You want to be present for your wedding. Delay it a few months and then really enjoy the day."

"Yeah…" I breathe as the door to the apartment opens. I hear Josh fumbling around, no doubt he's trying to be quiet in the event I am asleep, I want to ask if she thinks Josh is getting cold feet, but I don't and frankly it's probably best Josh came home in time to prevent that. I'm getting tired and the pain is starting to start up again.

"Okay when I said I fantasized about two women in my bedroom…I didn't mean my mother was one of them." Josh announces, pushing the door to our bedroom open.

"Don't be gross." I roll my eyes as his mother sits the brush down. She leans over and kisses my cheek.

"You're doing just fine, my love." She says warmly, urging me to lay back as she pulls the covers up.

"How is the patient?" Josh asks, wrapping an arm around his mother's shoulder.

"She's been up for a bit." Sarah smiles at me then looks at Josh. "I'll let you guys catch up, but she needs to get some sleep."

"Thanks, Mom." Josh smiles, waving as Sarah leaves and closes the door behind her. It's just Josh and I in the room now and he reaches for a notepad on the nightstand. "We can give you more Tylenol in an hour. Have you eaten yet?"

"Your Mom brought tea and toast." I pointed to the tray by the bed and Josh looked at it with disappointment.

"Usually you're supposed to eat the food." He signs, climbing onto the bed and lying down, propping his head up with his hands. "Mom is going to make some matzo ball soup. Hopefully you'll eat some of that."

"I haven't been too hungry." I respond quietly as he strokes his thumb on my cheek. I feel confused by it, but I don't say anything. I feel like I need his hands on me right now. To make me feel some sort of hope in a dark moment. Then there is us and what we've been through and I want to tell him not until he's made some progress. "Josh, you're messing with my head."

"How so?" He frowns as I push his hand away.

"You're loving on me, because we're sad." I whisper, moving a hand over my abdomen as I feel a wave of pressure and I wince. "And I am really sad and you are too. But you're still angry and we're not in a great spot and I just…"

"Donna." Josh moves his hand over mine, pushing my shirt up a little bit to rest his hand on my lower stomach. "I didn't have a meeting. I met with Stanley Keyworth this morning for a session. I called as soon as we got back from the hospital, because I knew I needed to talk to him. About us, about the baby."

"You did?" I breathe, knowing it isn't an immediate fix, but it's a step. A really good one. "How was it?"

"Enlightening, obnoxious…helpful." He laughs weakly, pressing a kiss to my shoulder. I can't quite nail down why, but it brings me some relief to have him want to tell me he went to therapy on his own accord.. "Donna, I love you too much to get this wrong."

"And if you realize you really aren't happy with me?" I ask, almost sarcastically.

"Yeah, I don't see that happening." He says, rubbing my stomach in circles, because last night I said it helped. "We are meeting again next week."

"Oh…that's good." I say with a little bit of hope as my insides begin to tighten again. I must look uncomfortable, because he places the heating pad back on my stomach and I'm grateful. "Make any progress?"

"A couple breakthroughs." He grins, rubbing my arm. "One being that I need to start being more open with you."

"I could have told you that for less than a hundred dollars an hour." I giggle tiredly, running my fingers through his hair.

"You would have done it for a new pair of shoes." He teases, kissing my forehead. He examines my face and his smile fades. "I think you should rest, your body is still working really hard."

"When I rest, all I think about is how empty my stomach feels." I admit, almost too embarrassed. "Then I am reminded that there was a baby in there and that there isn't one in there anymore. Then I go down a rabbit hole of trying to figure out what signs I missed."

"Yeah, that's not going to help you rest. I will go check in with my mom and I'll be back to rest with you." He says, sitting up. Josh takes the remote and turns off the television, thankfully not acknowledging the talk shows on the screen. He tucks the blankets around me and leans over the bed. "Besides all the head shrinking really made me tired too. You'll have to wake me up to make sure he didn't sneak in a partial lobotomy."

"Uh huh." I hesitate at his dramatics, watching as he exits the bedroom and closes the door. The last day and a half has been an emotional rollercoaster. There was a moment when I was perfecting the bowtie when he was getting a little handsy that made me want to grab him and shake him. I wanted to tell him that he had his entire future in front of him, but I got scared. I wanted to tell him he could fuck me against a wall, on his desk, or wherever. If he would just wake the fuck up. I was still angry and I felt like I would have been admitting defeat. Except defeat wasn't an option, because this wasn't a game. This was our life. I should have said something, before all of this happened. Then it wouldn't feel like the pressure was on him once the miscarriage happened. We started the day apart, but ended it together mourning a loss that will haunt us forever. I'm scared, but Josh has given me a sliver of hope. I hate admitting that I am holding onto it, but I will until he proves otherwise.